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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I possible am BU, but i cant help feeling like 'Oh well you brought it on yourself'

58 replies

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:18

Someone on FB i know, went to school with. She is in council property. Last year she was threatened with Eviction for non payment of rent. It went to court, she got postponed possession order on her house.

In the months that has followed shes complained and complained about neighbours, gypsies nicking stuff out her garden (scrap metal etc etc) how the area is rough and she hates it, she cant leave the house because she get threatened by locals because she complained to the council about noisey parties that neighbours have held etc etc.

Last week she posted on her status about how her life is fucked and nothing goes right for her. It turns out shes been given an eviction date for again non payment of rent. She says its because housing benefit fucked up by not paying the full rent and that she didn't need to pay anything.

BUT last year she told me that she had to pay so much per week to pay off arrears.

Now am i being unreasonable for thinking 'you brought it on yourself' her bloke hasn't had a job for a few years, shes pregnant with baby number 3 so cant work as shes due in next 2 months. When he bloke does get a job he lasts one day as its not the job he thought it would be

Am i BU or am i just being a heartless cow?!

But whats pissing me off is that she goes on about having no money and how shes skint and that she needs to find £500 by middle of April before eviction date to pay off arrears, yet she dines at Mcdonalds everyday, always having takeaway and buying animals like Geckos and bearded dragons.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:20

BTW iv told her about 2 houses i know that are private rent that will accept DSS. Her excuse is 'i cant climb stairs in a terrace house'

OP posts:

elseIlltellyourfather · 25/03/2011 13:20

Judge much?

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:25

yes i have judged her, her son is under hte care of social services, she is moaning that if she doesnt find a place to live in the next month then her son will be taken off of her, i have mentioned of 2 houses that i know of that are free for rent and shes faddy about it been a terrace and having stairs? Im sorry but if i was in that position my first worry wouldnt be about the flaming stairs. or is that just me?

OP posts:

elseIlltellyourfather · 25/03/2011 13:27

As I said. I think you need to have lived someone's life in order to understand their behaviour. People saying "if it was me...." makes no sense becasue you are a different person. If it was someone else they may do something you approve of even less.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/03/2011 13:28

I'd judge too tbh. When you have DC, paying the rent is a priority, and comes above takeaways and new pets!. I doubt the council would be trying to evict a pg woman if she'd made some attempt to pay the arrears. And actually, I think that if you are a man fathering your third child, then you ought to be doing everything within your power to financially support those children and keep a roof over their heads.

If you can't be arsed to do that, then don't have kids.

It's different if you lose your job through no fault of your own, or genuinely cannot work, but this does not seem to be the case here, assuming the OP knows the facts about their circumstances.

Portofino · 25/03/2011 13:29

Cannot you not just block her on FB?

mumblechum1 · 25/03/2011 13:31

I'm afraid I'd judge too, if only for deciding to have another child when SS already involved with her other child and not being able to afford to pay the rent.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 13:32

Is there a physical reason that she cannot climb stairs? Does she not have stairs where she lives now?

NigellaPawson · 25/03/2011 13:33

I've got my judgeypants so far up me arse I've a wedgie.

You just can't help some people, you really can't.

elseIlltellyourfather · 25/03/2011 13:35

Do you all know a lot about her then? Patents? IQ? Education (I know you went to school with her but beyond what you know)? All other aspects of her life?

Why I am defending her I don't know! I just think this may start to smack of self-congratulating smugness in our oh-so-perfect-I made such good decisions-had such good opportunities/partners/parents/friends/finances-Lives! Or whatever.

FabbyChic · 25/03/2011 13:36

ha ha Nigella that made me laugh. Pick out that thong.

cheesesarnie · 25/03/2011 13:43

tbh id judge too.youve done what you can.

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:49

She has rheumatoid(SP) arthritis(SP)

She lost her first daughter due to a hemorrhage on the brain through her pregnancy but she is blaming the hospital.

She is quite brainy actually, she got better grades than me at school.

Also cani just point out i was in her situation 2 yrs ago. We got an eviction date but went to court, got a postponed possession order and paid off our arrears. When we got money it went on the rent, whether we had paid the extra that week. Keeping our house was top priority, not buying animals, mcds, kfc, etc etc

Else can i just say i am far from perfect in my life, i am skint to the bone, i have £17 left in my purse and £1.38 in my bank until wednesday next week. i have to buy food with that and also hope that the £5 of emergency credit in electric lasts until wednesday. - reason being? Bank charges!!!

My hubby goes to work and works bloody hard for this family, always has done always will. Last year it was hard as he was finished from his job due to a heart problem which saw him cartered off in an ambulance on fathers day due to erratic heartbeat. He lost his job 3 weeks later. We struggled and we are only just getting back on top. He strated his new job in jan, feb was his first pay and thats just gone last week. We rely on tax credits mostly apart from monthly wage that pays rent, CT, bills etc etc. So i know what its like to be in her position.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:51

apart from us having a monthly wage she doesnt. she relys on her tc and cb if it was me, id be cancelling internet, sky, phones etc etc and paying what i can.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 13:54

Should have mentioned her first daughter died 4 weeks after birth, her second son is 1yr old now i think and in ever picture on facebook he is eating CHIPS and they look like mcds chips - i know i shouldnt really judge on that but i am.

She posted last year baout how her social worker had bollocked her for feeding her 6mth old mcds and how it was bad for him, she said 'what i feed my child is my doing not hers, whats it got to do with social worker anyway'

From then on i have judged her. Sorry but have my judgey pants on with everything she posts.

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 25/03/2011 14:04

"She lost her first daughter due to a hemorrhage on the brain through her pregnancy but she is blaming the hospital." ??? How is this relevant?

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 14:05

You need to block her then because you are not thinking through her real situation. Unless you need her daily updates to feel smug and so much better than her. What is the point of re-housing herself into a property which in the future she will need help with care in if her condition worsens. This will cost the ss more in the long run. So you know that the hospital wasn't negligent in its care during pregnancy or birth? It is normal to look for answers and find someone to blame when a younger person dies. The kindest thing you could do is distance yourself from her, she does not need people like you around her.

Original poster

CheekyLittleSox · 25/03/2011 14:09

People like me? She came to me last week asking what should she do!

What i mean with blaming the hospital is (i should have made it clear) she is waiting for the hospital to accept liability of her daughters death so she can use the money that the hospital would pay her (or she is hoping they would pay her for her loss) so she can buy a house and live their rent free. To me she is living in cockoo land.

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 25/03/2011 14:11

You should only judge someone when you have walked in their shoes

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 14:13

She may be delusional and that will stop her from being able to manage her life as well as she does. Whilst she is thinking that the hospital will admit liability she is not moving on and accepting her loss. She sounds as though she needs a understanding supportive friend and whilst you are judging her you cannot be that, so distance yourself.

plopplopquack · 25/03/2011 14:13

Wow it sounds like she's been through a terrible time losing her daughter, that may have some bearing on why she is like she is.

You say she is brainy but if she thinks feeding McDonalds to a 6 month old then she isn't!

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 25/03/2011 14:14

I think you need a little compassion. No, things don't seem to be perfect, and a lot of it could be changed with a change in attitude from her and her DP, but she is bereaved, pregnant and in a difficult situation. If you are really her friend, you will keep your snidey judgments to yourself and try to help. If not, you should stop pretending to be her friend, she doesn't need false friends.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 14:14

That should be 'manage her life as well as she should' not does.

Pancakeflipper · 25/03/2011 14:16

I don't think am I sneering at you for wearing judgey pants ( ha ha to Nigella and her wedgies). I get why you are fed up with it.

I think this woman is in a mental and physical slump. Her health, her bereavement, living somewhere she doesn't like, lack of money which brings lack of freedom/choice. Once in the slump mode it's actually very difficult to change it. Often helpful suggestions from friends are brushed off with what appears to be weak excuses. When really they fear change and continue to grumble on. Alienating and irritating friends who are trying to help cos there's only so much sympathy to offer.

Step away a little. I think it's natural to be frustrated by her cos you've tried to help. Be grateful that it ain't you. That your mentally is to strive to improve things and not be in position she is in. It's her life. Sounds like there is support there but she is currently selecting to not use it. Hope that changes with the arrival of the next kid.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 14:17

I went through a period of profound grief and stopped functioning which for a while, including cooking properly, i also cound not reason very well so made stupid decisions. Also there's two parents allowing the child to eat MDs. Her DP needs to try to take charge.

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