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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to mil about her comments?

55 replies

ShushBaby · 25/03/2011 11:21

I have touched on this briefly on another thread, but having done so, actually am feeling quite riled about it now, and thought I would air it here for some advice.

My dd is nearly 14 months old and I went back to work when she was 11 months. Since then (and this is what the other thread was about) she has had various colds, eye infections, tummy bugs etc. Before that she hadn't been ill at all.

My mil is a complementary therapist and believes that phsyical symptoms are a result of emotional experiences etc etc. She also didn't work until her children were well into their teens and even then only worked a couple of mornings while they were at school. So, very much a sahm, and I think a great believer in mums staying at home (though she would never quite say that to my face).

My mother in law has made various comments about my daughter's ailments being caused by the huge transition my dd is going through, being separated from me while I am at work. According to mil, for example, dd's eye infection this week is a reaction to me going away last weekend (my first nights away from dd). When she looks after dd she makes a point of having a 'gentle day' to allow dd to 'readjust' after being with a childminder for 2 days. And if she's skriking at bedtime mil will put it down to her having missed me all day.

It's starting to upset me now, partly because mil seems to be couching her opinions about me going out to work in her 'professional' opinion and I think she should just come out and say it if she disagrees with the decisions I've made.

To my eyes, dd is a very boisterous, outgoing and lively child who loves nothing more than being with other people. She's always adjusted to new situations with ease, and by all accounts had a whale of a time with her daddy while I was away at the weekend. For my part I have enjoyed being back at work, and absolutely loved my weekend away.

But I'm torn between feeling indignant and scornful (and NB that mil has never made a comment about DP going away, missing bedtime, working late or whatever, or put dd's illnesses down to anything he's done!); and feeling guilty about my parenting decisions.

In lots of ways mil is very supportive (if quite keen on giving advice) and she is certainly a kind and loving grandmother to dd.

But AIBU to ask her to stop making comments about dd's wellbeing?

OP posts:

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 11:23

Tell her to take her twat-wankery-woo elsewhere. She isn't a professional she can't hide behind that.

Katisha · 25/03/2011 11:23

ONce a child starts coming into contact with other children at nurseries/child minders they pick up bugs. Fact. Gets even worse when they start school.

Your MIL is being ridiculous.

Yes - do say something - and say it plainly - please stop implying that my decision to work is somehow harming my child.

Portofino · 25/03/2011 11:23

YANBU She is talking out her arse. Babies pretty much always get lots of bugs when they first start nursery. They are suddenly exposed to a lot more. My dd was the same. They grow out of it quite quickly. She is 7 know and is rarely ill.

Dropdeadfred · 25/03/2011 11:26

YANBU - I would challenge her on it. I would say 'are you REALLY of the belief that all bateria/viruses etc just whizz around the atmopshere waiting to infect children who's parents have gone away for the weekend?'

I would state that for whateverreason you ARE a workign mum and plenty of mums these days are - all well and good for her to have been a SAHM but that is not your situation and her comments are making you feel sad. You work for the benefit of your dd as much as anything so tell her that her opinions about that area of your life are not welcome

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 25/03/2011 11:26

YANBU Get your DP to say something to her as it's his mother.

Bucharest · 25/03/2011 11:27

YANBU

Mahraih · 25/03/2011 11:28

YANBU.

I hate an argument so would be tempted to do one of these:

"Oh you think the eye infection is because I was away? I suspected it was because DP was late home last night, but there you go." Repeat as necessary, making sure she understands that you are not the only parent, and certainly not the only parent who leaves the house.
"Oh you think the eye infection is because I was away? Gosh, maybe I'd better quit my job then. Such a shame ... the mortgage/leccy bill/whatever won't get paid." With a sharp look.

My mum's a bit of a quack too (in the loveliest way possible) - she tried to do reiki healing on her computer! But she doesn't try and push her views on anyone, and your MIL needs to learn not to, and if you have to tell her off, do.

Katisha · 25/03/2011 11:32

It doesnt have to be an argument and you don't necessarily have to tell her she is talking bollocks.
But she does need to be made aware that her insinuations that you are causing harm to DD by being absent is making you feel very unhappy. Could she either talk to you straight about it or desist.

Original poster

ShushBaby · 25/03/2011 11:36

Thanks so much ladies. I too hate an argument, and am well aware that much of this issue is down to me not laying down boundaries and nipping these comments in the bud. As much as it is tempting to use the term twat-wankery-woo (love it!) I think a lighthearted but clear comeback as per mahraih's suggestions might work. I just find it incredibly difficult to talk back to her (or anyone, but especially her!) partly because her opinions are given in quite a softly-softly, 'advice'-led way- like little bullets wrapped in cotton wool! So there is little room for comeback without sounding confrontational. To me this feels... manipulative, but I maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

The thing is, I like going to work, I don't feel guilty about it and I don't think it affects my dd adversely (in fact, chances are she will want to/have to work when she grows up so I'm providing a good role model in one sense). So why can't I grow some balls (or the feminist alternative) and speak up about this?!

OP posts:

Cymar · 25/03/2011 11:36

Could you pull her up on why she isn't saying things like that about your DP? Ask her how she figures it's all your fault and never your DP's, even though you both work and parent your DD.

By asking questions which put her on the spot, she may feel bad about it and change. Besides, you're not going to get any answers if you don't ask . Good luck and keep us posted.

Katisha · 25/03/2011 11:44

I wouldn't beat about the bush. Just tell her her comments make you feel unhappy next time she does it. She won't "hear" you otherwise. You don't have to justify yourself to her either.
I do recommend setting some boundaries now as she might think you are a pushover in other areas she would do differently as time goes on...

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 12:38

Its a matter of respect. I am qualified in various holistic healing therapys but would not push them onto other people. If she is of the opinion that there are no real physical illnesses then it is not worth getting caught up in arguements. I have had to agree to disagree with the more radical people that i have been on courses with and associate with. She just needs to keep her views private (if she minds her she can do whatever cleasing routine she wants but you don't have to know about it). Tell her how you feel. It does not matter if she disagrees with you. Its respecting your and your DPs decisions that matter.

LessNarkyPuffin · 25/03/2011 12:44

She's a 'complimentary therapist'???? She doesn't have a professional opinion.

Original poster

ShushBaby · 25/03/2011 12:57

She's a homeopath. I am quite happy to use remedies for my dd and myself when she recommends them (and indeed they seem to have been effective at times), but I don't sign up to mil's whole ethos. I think she assumes I do so perhaps this is about miscommunication as much as anything else.

Once or twice I have had to be quite frank. Our discussion about vaccinations was rather short, for example!

But it's the more woolly, veiled stuff which I find harder to respond to- eg comments about dd's little ailments.

OP posts:

LessNarkyPuffin · 25/03/2011 13:00

Homeopathy. Google Richard Dawkins homeopathy and enjoy. Basically the dilution used is so extreme that it's the equivalent of a few drops in an ocean. It is complete and utter nonsense.

cazza40 · 25/03/2011 13:00

Yanbu at all ! She sounds batty. Ask your dh to speak to her. Those comments from her are just awful .

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 13:03

Homeopathy is nothing but sugar and water, it is of no help to anyone at anytime apart from the dubious properties of the placebo. Thats not a profession, its at best delusion and at worst actual fraud.

Katisha · 25/03/2011 13:04

If DH is a standard sort of DH he will brush this under the carpet. I think you need to speak to her yourself and clear the air otherwise this will fester.

you say it's the woolly veiled stuff which is hard to deal with - this is exactly what you need to haul out into the open by saying something along the lines of, "Sorry if I have got this wrong, but you seem to be implying that DD gets infections and so forth because I have gone out to work. I'm sure you can't mean this, but it's making me feel pretty miserable."

Then she either says "yes I do believe that" and you have the discussion about how she can believe what she likes but can she desist from making remarks, or she says "on noo you have misunderstood me" and stops.

hopefully.

PorkChopSter · 25/03/2011 13:06

"Oh, MIL, that's an interesting idea. Can you give me the peer-reviewed, scientific research that proves it's true, so I can read it? No.... oh well"

RevoltingPeasant · 25/03/2011 13:16

I think Katisha's idea is a good one: it is direct but definitely not impolite.

Another way might be to say, 'Oh really...? That's interesting. I'll have to ask the GP about that, because he said it was a normal reaction to her starting nursery.'

Kind of deflects the situation from you, iyswim.... but then I am hopeless at confrontation!

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 13:27

It does not have to disend into a personal attack on her views because there is scientific research to show that some holistic healing; the power of positive thought, meditation and placebos, work, to name some. Some people just take it to far and become closed minded (on both sides). Thats not the point, respecting each other is, otherwise the OP will spend the rest of her life bogged down going round in circles, proving and disproving each other.

OTheHugeManatee · 25/03/2011 13:30

Tell her that childhood ailments help to strengthen the etheric body, and so it's in your DC's long term interest to 'work through' them.

It's as much bolleaux as what she's saying, so has the advantage that she can't argue against it on the basis of science

ensure · 25/03/2011 13:32

I think katisha has the best plan. Good luck with your conversation.

"Skriking", hmm, I haven't heard that for a long time!

buttonmooncup · 25/03/2011 13:33

It will just be because she's mixing with other kids.
I've been at home with dd since she was born and she was hardly ever ill but her nose has been streaming constantly since she started nursery in Jan and the whole house has pretty much had constant coughs and colds.
Unless you're going to keep your kid away from other children forever it's going to happen at some point.

memphis83 · 25/03/2011 13:36

my 8 month old ds is on his 3rd virus in 5 weeks, i suspect from recently starting creche and mums and tots groups, my doc said its better to get things now and build up his immune system, as then he shouldnt be as sickly once a bit older, your mil sounds lala

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