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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to mil about her comments?

55 replies

ShushBaby · 25/03/2011 11:21

I have touched on this briefly on another thread, but having done so, actually am feeling quite riled about it now, and thought I would air it here for some advice.

My dd is nearly 14 months old and I went back to work when she was 11 months. Since then (and this is what the other thread was about) she has had various colds, eye infections, tummy bugs etc. Before that she hadn't been ill at all.

My mil is a complementary therapist and believes that phsyical symptoms are a result of emotional experiences etc etc. She also didn't work until her children were well into their teens and even then only worked a couple of mornings while they were at school. So, very much a sahm, and I think a great believer in mums staying at home (though she would never quite say that to my face).

My mother in law has made various comments about my daughter's ailments being caused by the huge transition my dd is going through, being separated from me while I am at work. According to mil, for example, dd's eye infection this week is a reaction to me going away last weekend (my first nights away from dd). When she looks after dd she makes a point of having a 'gentle day' to allow dd to 'readjust' after being with a childminder for 2 days. And if she's skriking at bedtime mil will put it down to her having missed me all day.

It's starting to upset me now, partly because mil seems to be couching her opinions about me going out to work in her 'professional' opinion and I think she should just come out and say it if she disagrees with the decisions I've made.

To my eyes, dd is a very boisterous, outgoing and lively child who loves nothing more than being with other people. She's always adjusted to new situations with ease, and by all accounts had a whale of a time with her daddy while I was away at the weekend. For my part I have enjoyed being back at work, and absolutely loved my weekend away.

But I'm torn between feeling indignant and scornful (and NB that mil has never made a comment about DP going away, missing bedtime, working late or whatever, or put dd's illnesses down to anything he's done!); and feeling guilty about my parenting decisions.

In lots of ways mil is very supportive (if quite keen on giving advice) and she is certainly a kind and loving grandmother to dd.

But AIBU to ask her to stop making comments about dd's wellbeing?

OP posts:
giveitago · 25/03/2011 13:43

oh wow - bloody hell - nice she's a loving gp but shite she's putting her mumbo jumbo onto you - it IS mumbo jumbo - if she's this sort of alternative practitioner then she has a vested interest as she makes a living out of it love. Lucky her she didn't work for ages. But in the real world and all that........

So there's nothing in her mumbo jumbo about mums who either need to contribute to family finances or women who feel better balanced and therefore better mums for working.

Oh dear. Just like my mil. I was told that babies should be with their mums until 3. And I've also been told that putting ds in a school holiday club for one day (so I can go out an f'cking buy paint for his room and go to the gym) is tantamount to abandonment and hence I'd lose any custody case (in her dreams).

All of the same ilk in my view.

Ignore, ignore, ignore OR tell them to piss off.

TakeItOnTheChins · 25/03/2011 13:44

Let's get one thing straight.

If your MIL is a "complementary" anything, she is NOT a professional.

If complementary medicine worked, it would just be called "Medicine". Ditto with complementary therapies.

She is talking rubbish. Next time she starts gibbering, cut her off with a "I'd love to see the peer reviewed, repeatable, scientific tests that prove a baby can get an eye infection from her mother being away all day" or whatever.

If she wants to believe in fairies it's up to her, but when it leads to her being stupid and rude, it's time to shut her up.

plopplopquack · 25/03/2011 14:23

I liked 'are you REALLY of the belief that all bateria/viruses etc just whizz around the atmopshere waiting to infect children who's parents have gone away for the weekend?'

She is using her apparent expertise to make her point and it's not too nice!

Next time she says that your dc is ill because you did xyz how about just saying "don't be so ridiculous! Oh you were joking?! Of course you were!"

Original poster
ShushBaby · 25/03/2011 14:23

I think as someone suggested (sorry am getting lost with all the replies!), it would be good to lay it out, not in a confrontational way, but just to clarify exactly what she means ie 'are you saying x, because if so that upsets me'.

Mil is very complimentary (ha!) in general about the way we parent our dd, which is nice. Though this is itself can grate a bit- we're not doing anything for her approval or anyone else's. But I do get the sense she feels sorry for dd now that I go to work/away for the night (which I will also have to do for work, quite regularly, now that my 'grace period' is over), like she needs to treat her very gently to help her cope with all this upheaval. I am not against someone treating my dd gently, but I think it goes too far. If you could see my dd you'd see that she's a total court jester who spends her days shouting happily, singing and clattering about. She's verging on over-confident, if that can be said of a one-year-old Smile

But there, I sound like I'm justifying myself...

OP posts:
exhausted2011 · 25/03/2011 14:36

this is upsetting for you, but you can't just address this one time about the eye infection e.g.
It is fundamental to her thinking, it is ingrained in her, it's her belief and her education, she can't help but feel that way

What she does have control over, is talking to you about it.
You need to have a discussion with her and say
a) you don't believe in that stuff
b) try and make her see how it upsets you- this is key. In her eyes an upset mum will have an effect on the child's health too
c) you do not want to hear it in regards to your child

Vallhala · 25/03/2011 14:44

"Tell her to take her twat-wankery-woo elsewhere."

I couldn't agree more and thank you Florence for an expression I'll take joy in using whenever and wherever I can. :)

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 15:01

Most welcome. I've been trailing it through several name changes to see if it catches on, but so far no. Wink

5Foot5 · 25/03/2011 17:06

Tricky. Obviously she is talking complete and utter bs. You know that, we know that. All kids get one cold and eye infection after another when they start nursery, I remember it well! It's a pain in the rear but console yourself with the fact that maybe she will get that much fewer such infections when she starts school.

Back to your MIL though. Although she is spouting rubbish I appreciate how hard it could be to handle this if you don't like confrontation. Kaitisha's plan is pretty good. Or could you just be completly forthright but polite and say something like:

"I am sorry but I really do not share your belief in complementary medicine. I hope you won't be offended but I would rather place my faith in the conventional sort and that tells me that all this is quite normal"

If she persists then I think sarcastic come backs would be quite in order - who knows it might persuade her to give up and maintain a hurt silence on the subject.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/03/2011 17:11

Really, this is none of MILS business. You need to politely but firmly point that out to her .

As for the quackery that is "complementary medicine", dont' get me started!

Vallhalla: Twat - wankery - woo - what a wonderful expression!

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 25/03/2011 17:13

Thats mine! Wink

Actually though, not all kids get one cold after another when they start nursery, neither of mine did. Smile

Katisha · 25/03/2011 17:20

I actually think the wankery-woo is a bit of a red herring here. I believe the issue is the MIL making subtle jibes at the OPs decision to work and leave her DD with a childminder.

This is what needs nipping in the bud, because I think it will just run and run otherwise.

plopplopquack · 25/03/2011 17:20

A complete stranger once told me that my close relation had died of cancer as they "didn't let their anger out". Apparently bottled up feelings cause cancer!

Sorry a bit off subject.

oldwomaninashoe · 25/03/2011 17:22

My reaction when she came out with any such nonsense in the future to raise my eyebrows and say very lightly "your not serious are you?(laugh a little)your joking aren't you" And then change the subject.

I used to pretend not to hear half the twaddle my MIL used to come out with about all sorts and laugh at the rest, she gave up after a while filling my ears with her rubbish as she realised i just wasn't interested!

mousymouse · 25/03/2011 18:19

op is your mil my mother?

I learned to smile and nod and putting the phone down on her if she starts with her insulting ramblings.

moving away 1000 miles helped as well :)

Violethill · 25/03/2011 18:25

I suspect she's a teensy bit envious that you have a proper job, whereas she diddled about doing a couple of mornings when her kids were teenagers, and now diddles about as a complementary therapist.

I would take the advice of others, smile sweetly, make a few comments like 'oops, better get dh to give up his job then, as clearly dd needs to be velcroed to a parent 24/7'

lololizzy · 25/03/2011 18:44

sounds like she is a devout Louise Hay follower

rookiemater · 25/03/2011 19:02

Oh don't get me started on Louise Hay. I went to a self affirming woman session run by someone who was into her, apparently all our illnesses are caused by our own personality failingsHmm, I had to walk out because it seemed odd to me that my chronic endometriosis was somehow my own fault and if only I was a better/nicer/less resentful person I wouldn't have it. Complete bags of sh*te, sorry she makes me angry ( whereas I should be calm serene and therefore not ill)

lololizzy · 25/03/2011 20:03

ha rookie apparently my dodgy thyroid was caused by lack of creativity as i used to be a photographer and when i stopped that caused thyroid decline (but it turns out i always had a thyroid problem, it just wasnt spotted till late in life)

pointythings · 25/03/2011 20:52

Oh, my aunt used to put little wooden blocks engraved with pentagrams in her car to cleanse it of the evil vibes of mechanics and modern life. They then had to be placed in salt overnight to re-charge them.

Smile and nod, smile and nod...

grubly · 25/03/2011 21:17

thats nothing. my mil has told me she can cure autism, help women with unwanted pregnancies spontaneously abort their babies by telling the foetus "its not their time" and that epilepsy can be controlled by the power of thought.

all of these examples have come up as her solution to real problems within my family.

smile and nod at the harmless stuff, intervene when it crosses the line- i.e. when it upsets you, your family or puts anyone at risk.

RevoltingPeasant · 25/03/2011 21:20

A woman who lives near my mum tried to cure my sister's sprained ankle by putting cabbage on it.

Apparently the chlorophyll in the leaves will er magically leap through my sister's skin and mend the sprain Hmm

I resisted the very strong urge to say, 'But I always thought the only chemical function of chlorophyll was to help green plants make food, are you saying animals can use it too?'

She also believed she could give people The Light by putting her hands on them, and gave my mother a chart of food to eat which was organised (seriously) by how close the animals we ate spent their lives the ground.

Yeeeees....

hairfullofsnakes · 25/03/2011 21:47

If you are happy and confident in your choice to go back to work why does it rile you so? Maybe she has touched a nerve?

mamatomany · 25/03/2011 21:48

And if she's skriking at bedtime mil will put it down to her having missed me all day.

Well she's not wrong about that, but what can you do ?
And yes the bugs are as a result of mixing with other children which wouldn't happen if you weren't working as much i'd imagine. She's not completely wrong, just handling it badly, do you think she'd like to have DD more often as it's bothering her so much ? Might save you a few quid.

Frizzbonce · 25/03/2011 22:53

Tell her to read SUCKERS: Why Alternative Medicine is Making Fools of us All by Rose Shapiro - or read it yourself so you've got some comeback when she starts wittering on about 'healing' and 'woo woo sticks'.

palomadove · 25/03/2011 23:05

All children in childcare catch loads of bugs - its a pita but it means they have fewer infections when they then start school.

So, yanbu. I'd ignore hairfullofsnakes unhelpful comment - every mother I know has some concerns about their choices, whether that's being a sahm or wohm - and it sounds like your MIL has the insecurities - didn't have a proper career herself and is projecting her feelings about that onto you.

How you and your dh deal with it is up to you both - but you should discuss it with him and agree a joint strategy about her attacks on your joint decision.