To talk to mil about her comments?

[ShushBaby]

I have touched on this briefly on another thread, but having done so, actually am feeling quite riled about it now, and thought I would air it here for some advice.

My dd is nearly 14 months old and I went back to work when she was 11 months. Since then (and this is what the other thread was about) she has had various colds, eye infections, tummy bugs etc. Before that she hadn't been ill at all.

My mil is a complementary therapist and believes that phsyical symptoms are a result of emotional experiences etc etc. She also didn't work until her children were well into their teens and even then only worked a couple of mornings while they were at school. So, very much a sahm, and I think a great believer in mums staying at home (though she would never quite say that to my face).

My mother in law has made various comments about my daughter's ailments being caused by the huge transition my dd is going through, being separated from me while I am at work. According to mil, for example, dd's eye infection this week is a reaction to me going away last weekend (my first nights away from dd). When she looks after dd she makes a point of having a 'gentle day' to allow dd to 'readjust' after being with a childminder for 2 days. And if she's skriking at bedtime mil will put it down to her having missed me all day.

It's starting to upset me now, partly because mil seems to be couching her opinions about me going out to work in her 'professional' opinion and I think she should just come out and say it if she disagrees with the decisions I've made.

To my eyes, dd is a very boisterous, outgoing and lively child who loves nothing more than being with other people. She's always adjusted to new situations with ease, and by all accounts had a whale of a time with her daddy while I was away at the weekend. For my part I have enjoyed being back at work, and absolutely loved my weekend away.

But I'm torn between feeling indignant and scornful (and NB that mil has never made a comment about DP going away, missing bedtime, working late or whatever, or put dd's illnesses down to anything he's done!); and feeling guilty about my parenting decisions.

In lots of ways mil is very supportive (if quite keen on giving advice) and she is certainly a kind and loving grandmother to dd.

But AIBU to ask her to stop making comments about dd's wellbeing?

Ploppo - there is some truth in repressing feelings/anger can have an impact with regards to cancer. Illnesses are a mix of physical and emotional symptoms a lot of the time. We are more likely to get colds for example when stressed. I am not a new age flake (!) but can see how these things ring true. :)

Why was my comment unhelpful palo? What's wrong with saying it could have hit a nerve? Honestly...

hairfullofsnakes Are you taking the f*ing piss? Seriously?! Does that actually seem to you like a sensible thing to say to someone who has recently lost someone to the disease . . . they caused it themselves by repressing their feelings? (I actually tried to put that as politely as poss although it may not seem it)

If this is so true then I would love you to explain to me why babies get cancer . . . I'll be waiting . . .

In MIL's defence - some physical ailments are directly related to emotional issues. Stress, trauma etc all take their toll on the body. A tummy upset can be due to many things - and emotional distress is certainly one of them - running to the loo before an exam/interview - I'm sure many people here have experienced it! But it can equally be a bug, something she ate etc etc.

BUT - a cold is caused by being in contact with the cold virus. I would be very surprised to hear that an eye infection was started because mummy went away - much more likely that she may be prone to infection having a reduced immune system due to the bugs she has been in contact with at her childcare placement.

I think your MiL has taken what is very sound information and ran with it to that extreme that tars all therapists with that 'woo woo' tag. And I am sorry yo hear that you are bearing the burden of that. I would be tempted to join in, and blame DH for everything. 'Oh poor DD, she's suffering because DH was out drinking after work on Friday night' 'Poor love has a cold, it must be because DH had that football match so he wasn't here for her' etc etc. Even make up symptoms to suit. 'Oh, poor DD was SO looking forward to seeing you (MiL), and when you cancelled she had to go to bed early as she had a tummy upset' if MiL ever does anything that might affect her.

But then I'm a bit twisted like that....

'Oh, poor DD was SO looking forward to seeing you (MiL), and when you cancelled she had to go to bed early as she had a tummy upset' if MiL ever does anything that might affect her.

Such a good (and rather evil) idea.