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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my boyfriends sister to move out?

57 replies

crazychic141187 · 24/03/2011 14:21

Hi,

I live with my fiancée and his sister also lives with us for now - she has a 7 month old baby and has been 'looking' for a house for over a year now (strangely though only had the interview with the housing people in February).

I am due in June and I think it is reasonable that she should move out so that I can get the babies room ready (currently the one she is occupying).

On other sites people have told me that she has more rights to me in the house even though we need to start our own family and I want to be able to look after my own baby without her input all the time (like ooo just wait till your baby is up crying all the time, do you really think you'll take her upstairs all the time to change her? ha)

Its just beginning to annoy me and I wanted to see what other people's opinions are!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 24/03/2011 14:26

I disagree with the people on the other site - she doesn't have more rights than you. You and your fiance are a couple, a unit. This is the home belonging to both of you now and unless she owns half of it, or is a joint tenant paying rent, then you have every right to expect her to move out now you are starting your own family.

Did you have a time frame, when she moved in for how long she was going to be staying?

What is your partners view on all this?

LionRock · 24/03/2011 14:37

It doesn't matter what random people on the internet think though - what matters is the people involved. You haven't mentioned your partner / her brother's thoughts on this - or how long you both expected her to stay. Or whether she wants to stay. Or whether this was broached when she found out about your pregnancy. (It sounds like she's been with you for over a year, so moved in while she was pregnant.)

Anyway, it seems clear that you don't want her there and presumably her brother's less keen on her moving out otherwise she'd know where she stood already. I think some clear talking is needed ASAP. She can't be expected to guess how you are feeling. You/your partner must be clear about what you want and what you expect from her, and if you have a fixed date that she must be out by, let her know. If she's trying to get into social housing then they should take that into account and prioritise her accordingly.

Personally, I would have talked to her about how long she can stay well before now as the idea of a third adult plus their baby staying indefinitely with me is a no-no.

Original poster
crazychic141187 · 24/03/2011 14:37

This is where the problem lies because the house used to belong to my fiancée's mum and she stayed when he took over the house. He expected her to move out when she started uni but then she got pregnant and said that she would move by the time her little one got to 6 months but she doesn't seem to be making any effort to.

Thats why I feel bad about it because she has lived here most of her life (which is probably why others told me I was mean to say she should move out).

I have spoken to him about it and all he says is "I'll talk to her" but I've been asking him to do that every since I found out I was pregnant (when her little one was three weeks old).

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 24/03/2011 14:39

So it is her home then. She hasnt just come to stay, she has been there longer than you.

Tricky one.. where did her mother go?

ENormaSnob · 24/03/2011 14:39

Who was the house left to?

Is it owned or council?

Original poster
crazychic141187 · 24/03/2011 14:45

Exactly VERY tricky - my partner bought the house off his mum and his sister just stayed here!

OP posts:
Original poster
crazychic141187 · 24/03/2011 14:46

their mum moved out to go and live with her husband!

OP posts:
warthog · 24/03/2011 14:47

if he owns the house and paid for it surely he can ask her to move out. he probably doesn't have the heart.

ENormaSnob · 24/03/2011 14:47

So he bought it off his mum?

On his own?

She needs to move out then.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/03/2011 14:48

If she owns half the house, then she does have more right to stay there than you. If she and her brother own half each, then you are stuck with her.

If he has bought the whole house, then you have a right to ask her to move out.

If the house is still owned by her mum, then again, she has the right to stay until her mum says otherwise.

Think you should have put this detail in earlier OP, because it would help us to advise you.

brass · 24/03/2011 14:49

I feel sorry for her situation however it is your home and you have a baby on the way so no doubt you want to 'nest' and get things ready. She's been with you for a year which is admirable but it's ok to feel you want her to go now and reclaim your home.

Giving her a time frame is only fair with a small child. Can your BF's parents take up the slack?

I suspect if she continues to sound like a know it all it will just grate even more as you get closer to your due date. Maybe start now by telling her you are looking forward to your experience of motherhood and finding out what suits you and what doesn't in caring for your baby.

Her comments might be well meaning but not terribly helpful if they are niggling away at you. You have every right to anticipate the arrival of your baby without someone else's attitude getting in the way.

She may well be feeling anxious and threatened by the arrival as she will be aware there will be an issue with space etc. and her future within your home.

catinhell · 24/03/2011 14:50

crazy, you shouldve mentioned all this in your op Smile
YANBU but she probably still sees it as home, as she's been there so long. need to get DP to gently remind her that he bought the place.

brass · 24/03/2011 14:54

Has she been staying there rent free all this time? Does she contribute to the household at all?

If she has had it easy she will be daunted by the prospect of living on her own with a small child and bills to pay etc. She may need lots of help in getting settled elsewhere so try to be gentle.

Wamster · 24/03/2011 15:03

With respect, I would resist going down the 'rights' avenue. To be brutally frank, if it is your fiancee's house and you are not on deeds/mortgage etc, then you have no rights, either.
If you half own it, fair enough.
Obviously, you could have a word with your fiancee, and, yes, I can see that you wish to nest, but, I think if your are going to go down the 'rights' route, you are asking for trouble.

Wamster · 24/03/2011 15:10

Whatever you do, don't approach the subject talking about 'rights', If I were you, I would try a gentle approach else you risk putting your fiancee in a very awkward position.

LionRock · 24/03/2011 15:20

Hmm that is more complicated... I'd still say you and your partner need to get a clear decision in your own minds about what you both think is reasonable (e.g. timescales for her to go elsewhere) then speak to her about it. It might be tempting to make plans for her (e.g. find out if she can stay with her mum) but that could leave you in the position where she feels that "other people" will sort her out and she doesn't have to do anything herself.

I'm trying to steer clear of the fact that she stayed put when her brother bought the house - presumably the plan was for you both to move together i.e. it's no longer a family home but a couple's home - but I can't understand why she wants to stay put unless she's there rent-free or she's getting lots of emotional / practical support from you both. How old is she?

LionRock · 24/03/2011 15:22

Also in the meantime, I'd definitely let her know that you don't really want to hear her baby advice - all babies being individuals etc - and will enjoy going through the experience for yourselves.

missmehalia · 24/03/2011 15:33

It clearly has no long-term future for you all to stay there under one roof.

Some options that might work are:

  1. She buys it from you and stays there
  2. She does far more about finding her own place (and you could offer to give as much help as you can with that so you don't appear too cold-hearted)

It doesn't sound particularly clearcut, lots of sentimental attachment to it, and also there's implications for the sibling relationship.

However, I don't think you should have to get too involved in the discussions - the nice thing about you not owning the house is that it's your fiance's responsibility to resolve this with his sister.

And in the meantime, I'm sure you can nicely say you don't want her childrearing advice, everyone does it their own way. (One way might be to come home one day from toddler group/antenatal/visiting your family and say something like 'If one more person tries to offer me well-meant advice for this baby, I will swing for them' Grin)

Original poster
crazychic141187 · 24/03/2011 21:17

Thanks for all the advice - ive just got home from work and so much to contemplate! ok

ENormaSnob He bought the house on his own so it is completely his and he bought it off his mum when she wanted to move out.

karmabeliever the house is his - she didn't pay anything towards it so it is completely his.

brass their mum couldnt pick up the slack because she is now looking to move out of her marital home because of problems in her relationship. She pays something but i never see any money passing hands so i dont no how much she pays and ive never seen her lift a finger to help around the house - just keeps her mess and baby things tidy!

Wamster I never agreed with going down the rights route - someone else said to me I had no rights! And i do pay rent aswell!

LionRock She is 21 has never had to do anything for herself as she lived with her mum doing everything for her to her brother pretty much doing everything for her

Im trying not to get too caught up in conversations they have because i dont want to feel like im pushing her out but it nearly caused me and my partner to break up last year because i agreed to move in with him not him, his sister and her baby!

OP posts:
LionRock · 25/03/2011 09:11

Crazychic

I'm not surprised that you are fed up - you planned to move in with your boyfriend and now find that you have a long-term lodger with her own family. This should be an exciting time for you both and having a 3rd adult must inevitably put a dampener on your new lives together. I'm going to go out on a limb here (obviously lots of assumptions about the situation) but it's time your partner put YOU and HIS NEW FAMILY first. Otherwise you could feel like the 3rd wheel and pg/new baby is enough of an emotional rollercoaster without this as well.

Please do have an honest chat with your partner about how you feel, find out his thoughts and let him do the talking to his sister. I do think the message should be that he / both of you need to know what's happening re: her move - you are right not to want her to feel the blame's on you.

LDNmummy · 25/03/2011 09:22

Its simple, she has no right to live there beyond the invitation your fiance extends.

Get him to deal with it, it is not fair on you.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 25/03/2011 09:29

Go see CAB and get your rights sorted as well as hers. It will probably take a while for her to move out. If you are going to have kids you must take responsisbili for life and the SIL clearly isn't doing a great job. She must go before it gets really awkward.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2011 09:32

You need to find out the details of the argreement behind the property. There may have been conditions put on the sale, such as him housing her until she was 21, especially if he got it cheaper than the market value. I know of someone who only took a minimum amount as a divorce settlement on the condition that the children would be housed if needed, so conditions put on the house may go back further than the sale to your DP. You need to now communicate alot more openly because you are pregnant. You have every right to also speak to the sister about what her plans are. You will have to accept that you need to be involved with what is happening especially if she is occuping the only room that you can use as your childs bedroom.

Wamster · 25/03/2011 12:34

I don't see what CAB can do; as things stand, the opening poster simply has no rights to stay in property.
She is not the owner of it nor is she married.

If her dp wishes his sister to stay- she stays. End of. It is up to him.

Wamster · 25/03/2011 12:35

Anyway, even if married, the owner can have to stay who they please.