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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if I'd ff instead of bf...

98 replies

Thatbastardcat · 24/03/2011 10:42

Put ds in his own room at a week old rather than co sleep and gone back to work rather than be a sahm and skint, people would hold me in higher regard than they do now?

I am so so sick of people telling me I should stop bf my 1 yo, should put him in his own room, should put him in nursery blah blah blah.

My dh wants me stop bf and gets angry with me all the time about it. I enjoy it as does my ds. Dh asked me not to do it when his parents come down next week as it embaresses them.

I don't see people who ff getting as actively slagged off to their face about it not being normal.

Am regular on here but have nc.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 24/03/2011 15:24

OP I know exactly what you mean. Constantly feeling like I have to hide the way I do things with DS or explain or etc etc - I know it's fine and TBH, he's been ill this week and he's lived off breastmilk - I haven't got a clue what I would have done if he hadn't been feeding any more. But still when people have such vehement views against it you can't help but feel a little got at.

Spudulika · 24/03/2011 15:51

"why can't you compromise a little on the PIL thing? if it makes them uncomfortable, would it be that difficult for you and DS to go to a different room to BF?"

Hmm
TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 24/03/2011 15:53

Oh fgs - the child is 12 months.

He is not at the feeding constantly stage. How hard would it be to go to a different room?

doctormonkey · 24/03/2011 15:53

You need to learn to shrug it off OP.

It only gets worse as they get older, you've got dealing with a tantrumming toddler in public to come yet.

CrystalStair · 24/03/2011 15:54

I was 'actively slagged off' for ff by some other mothers. Some people are judgmental whatever you do. Is bf the only thing your DH and in laws get their knickers in a twist about or are they interfering in other ways too?

Spudulika · 24/03/2011 15:55

"Of course partners have a right to their own views on breastfeeding, and they should be taken seriously"

Yes - because the father's right to free access to his partner's breasts are VASTLY more important that his child's right to breastfeed.

Cause we all know grown men sulk when they're not getting serviced in the way they think is their due.

Grin
LionRock · 24/03/2011 15:56

Why can't the PIL go to a different room if they are uncomfortable?
Also, have the PIL / DP been discussing this among themselves without the OP?

notso · 24/03/2011 15:57

I have been told DS2 should be in his own room by now (he's 15 weeks) and that I'm mad for tying myself to him by BFing when it's only the first few days breast milk that counts.
It does happen, some people feel it's their way or the highway and don't mind telling you.

Spudulika · 24/03/2011 15:57

"How hard would it be to go to a different room?"

Why the buggery bollocks should she?

It's about as fair to expect her to do this as it would be for me to go round to my in laws and ask my MIL to go into a different room to read her Daily Mail, because the sight of her doing so offends me.

BertieBotts · 24/03/2011 16:00

Oh I like you, spudulika. What a brilliant argument!

Olivetti · 24/03/2011 16:02

Spudulika - why are you viewing a famly in terms of husband's "rights" versus child's "rights"?

A family is a unit, within which the members have to work out what works best for all of them. That does involve some degree of compromise in all areas, or, at the very least, taking each other's concerns seriously.

And some people on here seem to think men are animals, for daring to think of their partners in a sexual way once children have come along!!

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 24/03/2011 16:08

Olivetti - could not agree more

I find this anti-DP approach alot on mumsnet and it really winds me up.

I chose to marry my lovely DH and bring up by lovely boys together with my DH.

TheseThingsAreGoodThings · 24/03/2011 16:09

And where has the OP gone ?

Why are any of us bothering?

I'm off !

scaryteacher · 24/03/2011 16:11

I ff and 'Put ds in his own room at a week old rather than co sleep and' went 'back to work rather than be a sahm and skint'

Do you know what? He survived and is 15 now.

There is no 'right' way to parent, so please don't be so dismissive of other peoples choices as you don't know what is behind them. You would have had my sympathy had you not written that first sentence.

onlylivinggirl · 24/03/2011 16:14

Why are you assuming that OP DH's objections to bf are due to him wanting to look at her breasts? He may have different motivations (may want to be involved in feeding his child, may have concerns how bf is impacting her life/his life their family life or any number of reasons)?
I think DH has right to opinion on all the other things- not sure how it counts as interfering- when nursery/sleeping arrangement/work affect him as much as they do OP.

And fwiw - it does feel that OP was equating all those things FF/Sleeping in separate room from 1 week/going back to work early and was making it clear that she thought they were bad parenting - if you are going to criticise/judge others be prepared to put up with it in return

KatieWatie · 24/03/2011 16:15

I obviously didn't read the OP in the same way as everyone else did.

To me she is saying "these are 3 of the things I did and I got slagged off for it, perhaps I should have done the exact opposite of these things and I wouldn't have been slagged off"

But in truth as someone else pointed out, as a mother you'd be slagged off whatever so do what you like!

BlingLoving · 24/03/2011 16:16

It's not just anti DP. It's this weird assumption that they suddenly have no rights when it comes to children. I don't get it. Assuming DH/DP is involved and part of the process I don't understand why he is automatically dismissed so quickly so often.

DH has concerns about me bf. Not because he's anti it but because he's worried that I will not cope having to do all the feeding alone. Ultimately, yes, it will be up to me, but of course he has an opinion - if I'm walking around like a zombi, hormonal and crying through lack of sleep, he gets to have a say on what that is doing to our family.

notso · 24/03/2011 16:21

Thats exactly the way I read it KatieWatie.

VajazzHands · 24/03/2011 17:21

TheseThingsAreGoodThings

The Op is the primary care giver for this child. SO I woudl leave it to her discretion day to day dealings with the child such as how to feed the bbay. She is doing the work. Her decision. This is nothign to do with slating husbands.

On a recent thread a mother asked if she or her dh was being unreasonable. She was still bf her 2 year old (I think 2 year old) baby when she came home from work. DH was the primary caregiver

Her dh wanted her to stop as he felt it disrupted their family dynamic when the mother wasn't at home.

I agreed with the DH in that case (and was slated for it) as I felt like it should be his choice since he was doing the bulk of the work and it would be unfair for the mum to come home and expect things to be her way.

Also I dont care how old the baby is the OP should not hide away because the PIL have issues

Kleftico · 24/03/2011 17:31

Noodle69 my thoughts exactly. Why does everyone feel the need to discuss the details of their lives? MN is fine I guess, but really who cares. Only ever on MN have I heard people say you're wrong!

Spudulika · 24/03/2011 18:14

Re: all the comments on dp's and breastfeeding, apparently the single thing which is most likely to influence whether you breastfeed is your partner's attitude to breastfeeding.

Maybe that accounts partly for the very, very low rates of bf in the UK. Because there are men out there who somehow think that their right to experience sharing the feeds trumps their baby's right to drink their mothers milk.

BlingLoving · 24/03/2011 18:23

But what if the woman didn't want to breast feed becaus she found the whole thing slightly distasteful but DH wants her to breast feed because it's better for the baby? by your argument, in that case you'll support DH because it's about the BF, not the mother's decision?

[this did happen in the case of a friend of mine. She agreed to bf but they also agreed she wouldn't do it for too long to make her happier]

BertieBotts · 24/03/2011 18:46

Bling - that's a good example of a compromise. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

BertieBotts · 24/03/2011 18:48

Or another compromise in that situation is the mum could pump and the baby could be bottle fed expressed milk.

eragon · 24/03/2011 18:56

I suggest that you do just get more confidant, list the postive aspects of breastfeeding, and point out that baby and you are happy feeding.

your list of postive points should be longer than his negative points anyway.
remind hubby that you are not harming your child by breastfeeding him, just to make him think hard about WHY he is asking you to stop.

if he is worried about his parents, by all means feed away from their view.

i fed my kids for years, it worked for us, and hubby did question why, but i simply explained how i felt about it , he respected my view.

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