...to resist attempts to get my 8mo a nanny or a nursery?

[FlowerBee]

I am a stay at home mum with no family nearby and a DH who works very long hours. Every time i suggest that my DH should help me out more in the evenings/weekends with our very active (exhausting) and clingy DS is met with him desperately trying to convince me to put my DS in a nursery one day a week or get a part time nanny.

I have a strong gut feeling against this as 1. it would prove that i cant cope with the pressure (despite 3 baby classes/groups a week), 2. i would be over-ridden with feelings of guilt, especially as DS is going through a clingy patch, 3. my MIL and mother would recoil in horror at the suggestion.

Any advice?

I am a stay at home mum with no family nearby and a DH who works very long hours. Every time i suggest that my DH should help me out more in the evenings/weekends with our very active (exhausting) and clingy DS is met with him desperately trying to convince me to put my DS in a nursery one day a week or get a part time nanny.

I have a strong gut feeling against this as 1. it would prove that i cant cope with the pressure (despite 3 baby classes/groups a week), 2. i would be over-ridden with feelings of guilt, especially as DS is going through a clingy patch, 3. my MIL and mother would recoil in horror at the suggestion.

Any advice?

2 out of your 3 reasons are unreasonable imo. Why worry about proving to others that you can or can't cope? So what if your mother/mil would recoil. Are either of them offering to support you?

Sometimes in families with a sahp (mum or dad) the other partner does have to work long hours to compensate so it sounds as if your dh is trying to look at sensible solutions.

I am a CM and have part-timers for this very reason. Having even a morning off could be wonderful for you. Try not worry re what your MIL thinks... people will always have 'opinions' on how you 'should' raise your child ad what you 'should' be able to cope with. Do what's right for YOU and your DH and child, not others. 99% of the mums I have ever dealt with have guilt feelings, this is perfectly natural.

Whatever you decide, do what's best for YOU, your DH and DS :)

Unless your mother and MIL are going to come and help you because you're obviously struggling, it's none of their business!
It's not about "coping with the pressure," and it's not about anyone else but you. Having one day off (or even a couple of hours) may make you more able to cope with the other 6 in the week. You need a break, you deserve a break; so give yourself one. There is no need to feel guilty about it (easy for me to say I know) and if it helps where DH thinks he can't (due to crazy working hours) then take that help!

If ds wasn't in nursery 2 afternoons a week I wouldn't cope. He's constantly on the move and I cannot leave him unsupervised so minimal housework gets dine before he try's to destroy somethin or throws all the laundry on the floor so I have one afternoon for housework and one for me time. Don't care what others think.
He didn't start til he was one though. He went thru clingy phase at 9 months and I would have put him in then but maybe you can think about it
In amfewmmonths time when less clingy?

Excuse typos I'm on my stupid buggering iPod.

Incidentally (but completely different circumstances to you) my dd2 settled much better with a cm than a nursery. (dd1 loved nursery from 8 months so I am not anti-nursery at all).

Possibly your ds would settle more easily with a nanny or a cm that doesn't have lots of other children. Lots of cms are quieter during the school day as some of the dcs will be at school from 9-3ish (and some of the older toddlers will attend playgroup/preschool for a few sessions too)

Wouldn't have put him in then!

Yes Rosedee that is an idea. It also gives me a few months to get me used to the idea and also provides some light at the end of the proverbial!

Sorry poop what is a 'CM'? I totally agree with the doing what's best for us thing and trying not to care what the MIL/mum's think - but they were both BRILLIANT mums and i've never been the one that anyone expected to have a baby so in a way i want to prove everyone wrong that i can 'do it'.

Erm, why can't your dp help out during evenings/weekends? He's basically suggesting you hire someone to do his share of the parenting, isn't he?

I took the same line as you and ended up with crippling post natal depression. I didn't start to recover until I put DC1 into nursery two mornings a week. Give yourself a break. Many "brilliant" mums are often screaming inside. Our mothers also had a lot less self imposed pressure and often had extended family to help out

Firstly, I don't think you should worry about what other people think about your childcare. Unless your MIL actually offers to come and help out it's none of her sodding business.

I'm concerned that your DH seems to be opting out of all responsibility for his child. Fair enough he works long hours so I can see that it might be hard during the week but I don't get why he can't share the responsibility at the weekends. Does he work weekends too?

I suppose he is Linsay yes. But then he does a very stressful job and wants to wind down a bit.

Somedays this drives me insane (especially when i have just picked up the 905millionth sock of his off the floor) but then other days i think back to when i was working in a stressful job and i would've cracked if i couldn't have relaxed at home.

His argument is that we can afford it (Though i could think of plenty of other things i need like a new washing machine for starters..) and our Mums might've done the same if they could have afforded it....

If he is willing to pay, then perhaps get someone to do cleaning and housework for you rather than nursery. that way, you get a break and so does he

Guilt is such an exhausting emotion to have to deal with.
Your primary concern is your child and the rest of your family. If having someone else care for her now and again helps you to be a better Mum then give it a try. You can always change your mind.

If you were working you'd need childcare. Plenty of people put their children in sport centre creches at the like.

Having said that, one day a week for a clingy child might not work very well. As someone else said, a child minder (CM) might suit you better (less children, more of a home environment).

I do know how you feel. If I leave my son at nursery to do something other than work I feel rotten and don't really enjoy my time. Silly really because he doesn't know! I've done this a couple of time - one to go shopping (he howls when we enter a shop so I did him a favour really) and the other to get my hair cut (my treat thank you!).

I also felt the same emotions as you when we had a cleaner after my first son was born. I was SO embarrassed when she turned up when my Mum was visiting. She managed to raise FIVE children without a cleaner and there was me with my first newborn having someone else clean my bathroom!

It's all complicated, but you have to grow a thicker skin sometimes. If you do choose to do it, then think about what you'll say to family and MIL. You DO NOT need to justify yourself to them.

Good luck. The clingy phase won't last....not so sure about the very active bit though....sorry!

if you feel like you need the break and you can afford it, then that's fine imo; I'm not sure that there's any advantage to going to nursery for DS at his age - not that it will do him any harm, either. DD is 2.2 and goes 3 mornings a week; we started her on 2 mornings a week at about 21 months, primarily because we felt that it would be good for her to hang out with other children. It took a while, but she really enjoys it now, which is why we upped it to 3 mornings. My DP is at home, and I work flexible hours, so it's not really about needing childcare per so, but about socialisation for DD and some time for each of us to do something for ourselves (work, in my case).

If you want to do it and you can afford it then just go for it. Please please please don't feel guilty or worry about what other people think. Your DS will love nursery. Honest. And you'll get a much needed break and not end up losing your mind.

I do find your DH's attitude a bit worrying though. I get it during the week but I think he should share the responsibility much more at the weekend.

Err, not sure whether to admit to the fact that i already have a cleaner 2 mornings a week !

flowerbee - so what? if we could afford a cleaner, I assure you we would have one! parenting is not an extreme sport - do whatever you can to make life easier, as long as you (and not someone else) are comfortable with the decisions you've made and their effect on your DS. It's your call - if you are struggling/feeling stressed/resentful or whatever, you won't be the best parent you can be. Some people find it easy, some don't...there are fabulous parents in both groups!

Hello

I have BEEN that nanny/mother's help over the years Mostly during my student days but also more recently when I was made redundant from my previous job. I have worked for a few different families, each with different needs but it has been incredibly enjoyable. I think the mums have found it hard sometimes leaving their precious bundles with someone else but I have seen with my own eyes how great it can be for Mum to get on with stuff (sometimes sleep!) and for baby too. We have a lovely time together, I am well-rested rather than poor tired Mum, maybe I know different games or songs to keep baby entertained. The babies are always utterly delighted to see Mummy at the end of the morning/afternoon but we have had fun and Mum feels better for it.

If not comfortable with leaving baby, you could have a mother's help. Basically they come to the house and help a bit with baby, take them for a lovely walk in the pram, change nappies etc but more than that they might help you prepare veg for the dinner, watch baby while you have a bath, help you clean out that cupboard you have been meaning to get to for ages... just provide adult company as well! That way you can get to know them and if you feel comfortable eventually leave them longer and longer.

So from someone who has been on the other side - firstly LOTS of people do it. I was hugely in demand and could have given up on my other career plans altogether if that way inclined. Secondly, there are ways of easing yourself in rather than just giving the baby to someone you barely know and having to leave. Thirdly it could be great for you and most importantly a great experience for the baby.

great post makingaminime

Aw thanks drivingmisscrazy that's made my night

We are group animals and we are not biologically evolved to take care of tiny children alone, day in, day out, until they hit 5. We, as a group animal, stay in touch with family members for a reason. If your Mum and MIL are so concerned, hand them the baby.

Job Advert: Wanted - person to take sole responsibility in a high-stress job. Working hours 6 a.m. - 8 p.m. Also includes night-waking as required. This job is initially 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Pay minimal, but with great rewards.

After 9 months there is an option for 2 mornings off per week, if desired.

If you'd seen this advertised, you would think the successful applicant would be absolutely barking mad to not accept the 2 mornings off per week, wouldn't you? What's the difference in your current situation????

I was in a similar position with DD (who is now a teenager, which proves it is survivable!)
DH at work 6.30am till 8.30pm, mother 200 miles away but always on the phone with a handy guilt-trip, in-laws not up to looking after little ones.
I too got PND, and my salvation in the end was a panic phone call from my old boss asking if I could come back part time. I found that one of my NCT friends was looking to start child minding and there we were. It was brilliant for both of us - back to having a brain, for me, and company and a fresh set of toys for her.
Went on to various other child-minders, with DD and later DS, and only ever had 2 bad ones, who was the "I'm doing this for a career, what, you don't want to mess up my floor with TOYS do you?" type. We didn't have her long, she was a stop-gap when our good one got ill. The other was a slightly bonkers woman I had to have, briefly, after moving to a new area where there was a big shortage of minders. She is now a kind of bogey-man to my kids - "remember H* who brushed her hair with a DOG brush?" I am sure they didn't suffer from this exposure, except for giving DD a pathological hatred of parsley because she made her eat it chopped up on her baked beans!! (for the vitamin C )
I am not a tidy kind of person, though - picking up socks wouldn't bother me cos I would just leave 'em on the floor! Maybe the cleaner idea would work out better for you?
oh and don't worry about guilt trip DPs or MILs. you will never stop them yakking, you just learn to say oh yes good idea then ignore them.