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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to resist attempts to get my 8mo a nanny or a nursery?

61 replies

FlowerBee · 23/03/2011 21:52

I am a stay at home mum with no family nearby and a DH who works very long hours. Every time i suggest that my DH should help me out more in the evenings/weekends with our very active (exhausting) and clingy DS is met with him desperately trying to convince me to put my DS in a nursery one day a week or get a part time nanny.

I have a strong gut feeling against this as 1. it would prove that i cant cope with the pressure (despite 3 baby classes/groups a week), 2. i would be over-ridden with feelings of guilt, especially as DS is going through a clingy patch, 3. my MIL and mother would recoil in horror at the suggestion.

Any advice?

OP posts:
notmyproblem · 24/03/2011 12:01

Agree with diddl, if you send your kid off to a CM or nursery a few mornings/days a week, then that just makes the evenings and weekends ALL THE MORE your problem because you've had "time off" during the day? Even easier for your DH to slough off all the work of childrearing to you.

Sure, get some childcare if you want, but I don't think it will solve your problem! Your problem lies with your DH not wanting to actually be involved as a parent. Sad Fixing that is a whole issue apart from some extra childcare hours here and there.

chaya5738 · 24/03/2011 12:21

Honestly, you need to get a grip.

If my DH earnt enough for me to stay home with my DD but still be able to pay for a nanny/CM/nursery for me to have time to myself then I would be counting my lucky stars.

Most mothers are either 1) stuck in a situation of having to work in fulltime jobs that only just pay nursery fees, then rush to pick child up from nursery, then do the whole dinner and bedtime routine; or 2) looking after their kids fulltime with no break.

Your husband is offering you the best of both worlds! He is offering to pay for you to have some help! Oooooh, how bloody terrible of him.

Honestly. You are being so damn unreasonable.

controlpantsandgladrags · 24/03/2011 12:26

Do it. You need, and deserve, the break.

DD1 started going to a childminder 2 mornings a week at 15 months, and DD2 will be doing the same in a few months time. I'm a sahm with no family nearby to help out too.

No one will give you a medal for doing it alone Smile

chaya5738 · 24/03/2011 12:34

And you wait til your 8 month old becomes a toddler! Then you'll be screaming for a break! Best to start now so they can get used to being looked after by someone else.

dixiechick1975 · 24/03/2011 12:36

I'd do it if you have no family nearby in your circs. Get child and you comfortable with a carer - then when something happens and you NEED childcare eg a medical procedure etc you have an option you are both happy with.

There was a thread recently where someone had no one to mind DC one whilst DC two was born - gist of alot of replies were why haven't you tried to sort it in the 2 years you have lived there.

rosie1979 · 24/03/2011 14:41

OP, YANBU
but a friend of mine was in similar situation, her dh worked away a lot and paid for her dd to go to nursery one day a week. One day quickly became 2 and she seems to doubly struggle on the full days she has with dd.

Why can't dh give you a lie in/ help at the weekend and you do the same for him the other day?

Original poster
FlowerBee · 24/03/2011 17:52

DH wasn't great in the beginning with the LO but is slowly interacting more with him and i do agree swanriver i need to be more encouraging and complementary about this to him rather than being critical for what he doesn't do IYSWIM.

I am slightly worried notmyproblem if i do get some childcare that any extra effort DH will be tapered down as 'you've had your day off' but i will try to remain positive about this.

I appreciate that my circumstances are extremely fortunate chaya and that most women work full time and raise children and don't have the luxury of my 'problem'.

Perhaps my biggest worry is being separated from my LO, and to analyse even more Wink i am perhaps worried that being he will be absolutely joyous fine being away from me! Sad

But as branchingout and others have mentioned, it's probably very useful to have back-up childcare, especially as i will need a wisdom tooth removal operation and a mole removal operation in the near future (and getting appointments for saturdays for things is a nightmare).

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 24/03/2011 18:39

you are over thinking this and bigging up what ifs were none exist
use a nanny or nurery if you can afford it.you dnt need to be super glued to ds all the time. and time away wont irreparably break mother-child attachment bonds

you wont be perfect so dont try just be good enough mum and ease up on notion you have to be responsible for everything to do with ds,cut yourself some slack

onepieceoflollipop · 24/03/2011 19:02

Having read most of the thread it occurred to me that if you are fortunate enough to have help with the cleaning and a bit of time to yourself in the week (mother's help or whatever you choose) then this could make weekends really lovely for all of you (dh, you and your ds) :)

For a lot of us (and I don't mean this in a critical way) weekends are spent trying to do household chores and fit in other things such as hair cuts and shopping etc.

Potentially if these chores had been done in the week this would free up time for all of you to spend time together. And as a bonus if you had a babysitter/mother's help you and your dh could have an evening out too.

Don't waste time feeling guilty. I had a lovely day to myself today, and when the dds came back we had a good play while dh got back and had a shower. I am now having a glass of wine while he "does" bedtime. He is going out later.

You can be yourself as well as a good/good enough mummy. :)

mercibucket · 24/03/2011 20:22

what do you want, op? there's really no need for nursery if you don't want to - you can surely find a friend or relative to look after your ds on the odd occasion you need to. It can also be quite a lot of stress and hassle for not much benefit if you have a child who doesn't go to others easily - particularly if you're only looking at a few hours a week in nursery. And unless it's something regular and often, your ds might not settle very easily.

On the other hand, if you feel you'd benefit from a few hours r and r, go for it - maybe try it out with one of those 'gym creche' places for an hour to see how things go first?

personally I'd be going for the cleaner - ah the dream Grin - choose well and you could get someone who could look after him at home for the odd hour or two as well. Mother's helps sound fabulous Smile

PenguinArmy · 24/03/2011 20:32

What does your DH do at the weekends?

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