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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to resist attempts to get my 8mo a nanny or a nursery?

61 replies

FlowerBee · 23/03/2011 21:52

I am a stay at home mum with no family nearby and a DH who works very long hours. Every time i suggest that my DH should help me out more in the evenings/weekends with our very active (exhausting) and clingy DS is met with him desperately trying to convince me to put my DS in a nursery one day a week or get a part time nanny.

I have a strong gut feeling against this as 1. it would prove that i cant cope with the pressure (despite 3 baby classes/groups a week), 2. i would be over-ridden with feelings of guilt, especially as DS is going through a clingy patch, 3. my MIL and mother would recoil in horror at the suggestion.

Any advice?

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 23/03/2011 22:47

i am a SAHM with no family nearby. I don't have a cleaner and the combination of both childcare and housework can be relentless. When i did work, it was a break from all that, though I didn't like handing over my child to somebody else.
Long term, its not ideal to be isolated so if you can get your head round it, accept some help. Wait until DS is less clingy and perhaps a mothers help is the way forward - makingaminime how does a person find a mother's help??

Dozer · 23/03/2011 22:57

Dh should not get to "wind down" after work - the journey home should be the wind-down time!

Dozer · 23/03/2011 22:59

Am annoyed with your dh. Think he is making these suggestions for him rather than to help you or ds.

scottishmummy · 23/03/2011 23:02

what a bizzare post,if you dont want nanny dont get one.not compulsory but if he works all hours god sends and then listens to you go on about "exhausting" then a nanny or nursery is a good suggestion

but you know what only person judging it is you (oh ok and your mil and mum), but knock yourself out.get proper tired to prove you dont need help

BranchingOut · 23/03/2011 23:07

I think it is a good idea to have some fall-back childcare, whatever your position.

I found this out the hard way when I basically blew an interview when my son was 9 months due to not having watertight childcare arrangements. Long story....

After that I asked around and found a brilliant local lady who does ad-hoc babysitting.

Thank goodness I did, because not long afterwards I had a series of dental problems and had to dash off for emergency dental work several times - I was able to use my ad-hoc childcare and was very relieved that i had something in place.

Makingaminime · 23/03/2011 23:27

cerealqueen I think one way is word of mouth - I have worked for a lot of friends of friends of friends! It probably makes it easier on the parents knowing that I have looked after a friend's baby and not dropped them down the loo

The other main way around here is Gumtree - massively busy site with loads of traffic.

There is a MN section on nannies/mother's helps so someone on there might be able to recommend someone in your area.

mercibucket · 23/03/2011 23:38

if you're going to be guilt ridden it's hardly going to be much of a break - and perhaps your dh knows full well that you won't take him up on the offer so it's an easy way to deflect criticism of him not pulling his weight the rest of the time
get a cleaner and organise some 'me' time when you will feel comfortable with childcare eg do swaps with friends, ask mil to take baby out for an hour, whatever you feel happy with. and get your dh to see it's not just about buying his way out of helping out when he is at home

scottishmummy · 23/03/2011 23:44

dh offering you break,if you want to march on exhausted up to you but no this isnt a he's a git thang (as some suggest) it is a you're not accepting support offered thang.

no one will pat you on back for doing it all- no one handing out medals

get used to using nursery- you will surely want to get dd used to it so you can plan return to work esp when she at school

CheerfulYank · 23/03/2011 23:58

I second what making said. Mother's help would be great in your situation, I think! I was doing that at 12 years old. :) I just helped out around the house, took the baby for walks, etc. You'd most likely want someone older (for the company if nothing else!) but I think it's a great idea.

Firawla · 24/03/2011 00:05

possibly the mother's help suggestion sounds like it could be good for your situation. however what I would find annoying from your dh is that you are asking him to take part in bringing up your ds and he is giving the message "im not going to do it, if you need help hire someone else" it's not just about the help aspect of it surely, but that as a parent he should also look after and bond with your ds, spend time with him etc? so is he saying he does not want to do anything with him at all? that would upset me and i think is more important than the 'help' side of it because your ds also needs to know his dad.

CheekyLittleSox · 24/03/2011 00:08

YANBU i put my 12mth old into a nursery as he was clingy and i couldnt cope. he went once a week every week for about 6months and it worked. He loved it anad i love it, then i got a full time job, DH stayed at home and looked after kids so it stopped that clingyness

Al1son · 24/03/2011 00:12

You need to forget what other people think you should do and work out what feels right for you and your DD. You sound like a lovely mum and nobody has the right to judge you.

If you think your weekends would be nicer all round if you had a break during the week then go for it. Start looking for a nanny, childminder or nursery tomorrow. Take your time to find the right one and if you start to get cold feet then you can always back out.

If you want to keep her with you that is exactly what you should do. In five minutes she'll be starting school and you'll wonder where the time went.

If you feel it's a lot to cope with at the weekends could you arrange for a babysitter on Saturday evenings and have some meals out, theatre trips, etc with your DH? That way you get a break and to spend some quality time together.

It's a shame that your DH sees spending time with his daughter as such a chore but my guess is that you're not going to change that, although he might find her a lot more interesting as she gets older. Would he feel more inclined to do things with her if you were on family days out at the zoo or whatever you usually enjoy? If so try to make a few more of those happen.

The most important thing is that you stop worrying about people judging you. You know what's right for you and your DD so have faith in your own judgement. You have instincts for a reason.

startail · 24/03/2011 00:45

I'm a SAHM with a DH who works normal longish hours and helps with the DCs when he's about. However, I have no nearby family and no baby sitting.

DD2 went to nursery one day a week from 1+ (DD1 was just starting school).
Yes it was expensive luxury, but it kept me sane and she loved it. So much so she kept her Wednesday nursery slot right up to starting school (even though she did their pre school 3 mornings a week.) She has also been back and done the holiday club since starting school

Do not feel a bad for needing a break, take it. Believe me one day you can book appointments on, go shopping, swim or just chill does amazing things to your stress levels the rest of the week. You never know you may even have the energy to "gently" encourage a bit of help from DH Wink

Original poster
FlowerBee · 24/03/2011 07:32

Thanks for the advice everyone. The general gist is that if i choose to get some help to not feel to guilty as it may make me refreshed and a better mum for it. I am going to look into getting a 'Mothers Help' first and if that fails may go on to look at Nurseries but probably not put him in until he is a little older.

OP posts:
Violethill · 24/03/2011 07:50

Sounds like a sensible solution. I don't think your dh is being unreasonable at all (as a few people have suggested). He's working long hours, he has sole responsibility for providing for you (very scary in the current economic climate) and when he arrives home and you're miserable and worn out, he's offering a sensible solution. It's up to you to judge what you can cope with, no point comparing with other people.

holyShmoley · 24/03/2011 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbaluv · 24/03/2011 09:32

Having a day off per week doesn't mean you spend all that time getting your mails done and watching daytime TV. It gives you a chance to do essential things like going to the dentist which are pretty much impossible with a bub about.
Also, nursery is wonderful for children IMHO - my DS1 started when he was 1yo and got sooo much out of it.

Bubbaluv · 24/03/2011 09:33

nails I meant - not mails!

swanriver · 24/03/2011 11:09

I was you OP, but my husband did help in eves and weekends. The baby needed that extra input from dh. It could have been anyone, but it just happened that it was dh. And he has reaped the reward. All my family were astonished I didn't have a "helper" as that was norm in our family setup. I really didn't want to share baby with anyone except dh.
However, I now see that babies do enjoy the company of more than one adult, (in most cultures this would be provided by uncles, aunties, grannies, teens, neighbours) so really nothing would have been lost by letting my ds1 enjoy the attention of another person during the day, even if it was just someone who came round and talked to him whilst I was there pottering around . I don't think nursery is a sledgehammer to crack a nut, you just someone to lend you a helping hand occasionally,so you have more time to enjoy the baby. Someone who will take baby on a walk, play new games, talk in a slightly different way etc.

I think what you are really saying is that you feel cross that your dh is essentially farming out the responsibility of bonding with his child to someone else. He is losing out massively, even if he does need to relax. In the end he needs to do things for the baby or he won't have a relationship with him.

swanriver · 24/03/2011 11:11

Sorry, I mean I think nursery is a sledgehammer to crack a nut, not I don't think...Blush

diddl · 24/03/2011 11:17

But if it´s help with your son in the evenings that you want, how will nursery/nanny/mother´s help help you?

Other than saying that you had a couple of hours off in the day, therefore evenings are your responsibility.

Your husband needs to come home with a view to finally being able to spend some time with his son.

swanriver · 24/03/2011 11:19

I think crux is that you feel unsupported by your dh, and you want him to show some interest, not just offer a quick fix. He feels unsupported by you [neglected, rightly or wrongly], and thinks you should not dismiss his offer to pay for help out of hand. It is a common scenario. I think you need to tell him you are very grateful for his suggestion, you will think about it, and you are also very appreciative of all his efforts, but that you don't feel ready to share baby at the moment with a stranger. (if that is indeed the case)
Then camp up your reactions to his helpign with baby, how much baby adores talkign to him, how much baby likes sound of his voice, how wonderful it is to have him around at weekend, rather than complaining you are tired, resentful etc...

Mothers should be allowed to say they are tired, without being told they should organise "help". Husbands should be allowed to say they are stressed too, without being told they aren't entitled to feel stressed....

Most of these problems are a kind of impasse which has nothing to do with childcare, but just feeling unsupported and unappreciated.

swanriver · 24/03/2011 11:27

flowerbee the other trick is to get a really good routine sleepwise/napwise with your little one, so that dh doesn't feel so pressured and knows what is happening when. I think my husband knew he was going to get a break for two hours in afternoon from 2-4 at weekends and baby in bed by 7.30, made all the difference to his tolerance of general chaos.
is your husband basically feeling a bit jealous that you are giving all your time and attention to little one and have nothing to spare? Totally unreasonable of course Wink but understandable too Hmm Once he is giving a bit of attention to lo too, he won't find your level of involvement so odd, it will be second nature to him to feel that way too.

redstripeyelephant · 24/03/2011 11:34

sorry, but your DH should help more. Surely he wants to spend time with his son? If you want to get a nanny/childminder and you can afford it then fine, but it doesn't seem like that's what you want!

My DH works very long hours and still manages to help with our 2 DDs and do housework when he is home.

crw1234 · 24/03/2011 11:34

CM is childminder - I love them - and if I was a SAHM which I am not- I would think about a couple of mornings a week for my younger one - depending on money of course

Or its not quite the same but some sports centres/gyms have creches -which means you can do some exercise etc
And with your OH "helping" - the thing is as well as giving you a bit of a break - its about his relationship with his child - I am lucky enought that my DH can get come most nights to do bath time - and its just a lovely time - and at weekends we do shifts - ie one person gets up early, other has a bit of lie in - we do family stufff as well but a bit of our own time -

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