WWYD this is abuse but complex situation.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

I know this is not really the correct place to post but i know aibu is the best place for heavy traffic, great advice and good opinions.

Me dp and the two dcs were made homeless 4 weeks ago since then we have stayed in a bnb.

opposite us is another family, youngish couple 27 and 25 with a son the same age as ours 3.

Now i try and keep myself to myself but im becoming increasingly distressed at how this child is treated, for starters they have no toys for him there this has upset the lady running the bnb so much she went and purchased toys for all the children staying there. He is forced to sit in front of the tv or sleep basically. but all that is pretty much nothing compared to the violence, id been there 3 days when she slapped him clean around the face full force because he was wriggling on her lap, this morning she wanted him to sit silently while she ate breakfast, he wasnt allowed any as he was naughty last night, he didnt sit still, hes 3 ffs. so she slapped him 5 times around the face after throwing him on the couch, my two started screaming and i left the room with them asking her partner to go see to his son.

this is daily, every evening he is forced to nap at around 5, she then screams at him all evening as he wont go to bed at 8, she had a pop at my two last night as they were talking in the hall and he was asleep, yet when theyre in bed at 7 hes allowed to roam and has even walked into our room shouting when theyre asleep, basically he is ignored and never being watched unless its to hurt or shout at him. It really does come accross as she doesnt like him, the dad seems terrified of her (dont blame him me and dp are) shes attacked him several times aswell. Recently she was away for a couple of days and the child was lovely with his dad and his dad is brilliant.

As well as this she has him in and out of the doctors claiming hes very ill etc, and then when he was ill with an ear infection didnt allow him to have the medication as shes overdosed him by accident before,

the problem is me and dp are terrfied of reporting her, something coming of it and her knowing its us, we have to live there, so does she. shes already been aggressive in words to my dcs, and im scared.

weve spoken to the owner and cleaner of the bnb and theyre reporting her, i think us also making a call would help this poor child, WWYD? do i stand a chance of horrible repurcusions?

sorry its so long.

Is there a similar organisation to Women's Aid for men? It sounds like he needs help - help to stand up to this godawful woman and help to know how to protect his DS (and himself). Hopefully SS will be able to help him out - but it might help him to know more about the things available to him beforehand. Actually, he could go to the police himself and get a restraining order against her. Tell him that's one option he has.

I don't know how SS work in cases like this but I would have thought they'd be prepared to let him keep his DS if he can show that he is capable of caring for him AND will keep that abusive thing away from him - after all, he is the child's father!

Good point thumbwitch If the father is ready to get out with his son whilst she is out of the B&B then he should diall 999 & report DV with a threat of return iminant & tell them about DS.

He should be offered a refugee at least & then Jj can try to keep in touch & support from there.

I do believe that this is the time to react whilst she is gone.

I feel sorry for the Dad as well as the child. This sounds like a reverse case of DV towards the Dad. It does happen and the charity that can help him is

this one

I hope this man gets the help and support he needs, just the same as women do.

If this woman has previous then SS and police should have a file on her.

Please try to convince this man jj that he can and should get custody of his son if he can look after him. It isnt unknown, but is very sad.

she was back this morning, bnb owner hasnt left the childs side. everyone in the bnb had reported her yesterday after the extreme outburst at breakfast and her social worker called saying she is making a visit today. ive made myself scarce, she is on a major warpath claiming she will find out whos done it, shed never hurt her boy she loves him and so on. Her dp has said she was abused by her step dad so its the cycle of abuse going on here and i think genuinely she needs some help.

i want to approach the dp with where he can get help but im wary of saying to much and dropping myself in it. i did however reasure him with all the evidence of what she does he and the dc COULD get away and get help and all he had to do is ask. ive given him my number as we will be absent during the day for a while as we are house hunting and in alot of meetings have one dc at grandmas on in school and so on, chaos as usual.

Re. BNB owner, this isnt a normal bnb set up, its 3 houses on a plot of land, one is the familys home, one is single rooms and one is familys and couples, the bnb owner is in for breakfast and then in her own house or out, she cant hear anything or see the child except breakfast so was oblivious.

please JJ do all you can to protect this child and help the Dad.

I am surprised she has been allowed back over the door. Poor wee boy, I hope the SW sorts something out today so she can't stay with him.

They will only share your identity between SS and the court, the only time that the offending family can find out is if you were ever willing to go to court to give evidence ( that would be to remove the child or grant the father residency). If all this was happening then you would not still be living at the same address as the offender, it would compromise the case. You need to realise that if she injured her child infront of you or the child was taken to hospital and had old injuries found, then you all would be interviewed anyway. If you watch a child being abused, which you have, you cannot be kept out of it completly. SS should have had complaints from yourself, your DP and the staff, theres no excuse.

The link Jax posted above should be www.mankind.org.uk/
JJ, I'm looking at their site now, and they can offer both practical and emotional support, so if you can speak to the father discretely it would be worth passing on the link.

Oh JJ, this is appalling.
Apart from feeling desperately concerned for the child, I hope you are coping with your circumstances too. Chin up!

Does the child have any marks ?

I would call the police. Make a report of assault/ABH.
They can take UV photographs which will show up even very minor bruising.
But sounds like this needs to happen now before marks fade.

Clearly, LL may not wish police involvement, but that really isn't the point.
This child is clearly in significant danger, and unfortunately is best taken into care.
Even if the immediate danger is past (she I'm sure will be on her very best behaviour), "life" for this poor child is destined to be horrific.
Remember this is the stuff she's been prepared to do in front of witnesses/strangers. IT will be a lot worse behind closed doors. Guaranteed. :(

We all know how utterly fucking useless SS can be (Colimbier etc).

Please JJ call the police.

so sorry tally should have checked the link.

what is it you are actually asking? does it need asking? report her. I swear.

it's already been reported. SS are onto it.

SS are useless when they do not know what is happening. Yes there are mistakes but its other peoples silence to the SS,that is always a factor. If there is definate abuse the NSPC should not be contacted but SS. In the Climbie case alot of people knew the abuse was taking place as in Baby P and recent cases but thought someone else had reported it, assumed it was known to SS. So kept quiet.

If the b and b owner takes in families 'in need' then she will have some child protection protacol training and is aware that she is breaking guidelines, i can only speculate this is to keep recieving the weekly money without any hassle, which is digusting.

any further developments OP?

how is the little boy now?

Any news ?

any update?

hi all,

sorry for the long absence as you can imagine weve been very busy.
SS came round friday, and child services and a social worker saturday (shes convinced herself its because they need help moving)

Anyway she told me at length that theyve told her its all his (the childs) fault, he winds her up and shes just a stressed parent (all total bull) but anyways shes been warned one more chance basically, and theyre visiting today at 2 for a big meeting.

two days ago she swore and shouted at my two because they came running in from the car talking loudly, not shouting and her son was asleep on the sofa, we were cooking there dinner in the kitchen and keeping the quiet as possible and dd knocked something over and woke him, it was 5pm ffs and in a shared room, she has a bedroom he could be in. when i said sorry she said, ''next time you will be ill have em'' i said pardon ''well if you wont teach em whose boss i will'' i calmly replied, me and dp were the boss in their lives not her and she claimed she can do what she likes to them and we cant stop her.

Despite all this the last few days she has decided we arent welcome and she has just been baiting us, all because the bnb owner told her theres no excuse for her behaviour, were dealing with the same and not attacking our children, last night she had the child screaming and messing around outside our room at 10pm, dp asked politely if they could keep it down, so she ignored him went to the kitchen which is directly below our room and was stood slamming a cupboard door over and over (shows her mentality, doesnt it) Dp went down to ask her to please stop as by now the kids were awake and quite scared by the amount of noise he asked what exactly wed done wrong and she started swearing at him and telling him 'to take your perfect fucking family and piss off' claiming wed turned down a house etc, all total fantasy. When dp didnt rise to her slanging match and told her to grow up and shut the F up, a lad from the other house came in and threatened all kinds of violence for swearing when the child was awake, this child could teach us a few choice words, yes dp shouldnt have sworn but he was doing his best to keep his call. I rang the bnb owner and her husband came over to deal with it, and contact the police.

this morning we got up and left asap before they were up, and we just had a call saying bnb owners asked her to leave, just her the dad and child may stay but my guess is shell take the dc so the dad will follow, ive continued to report everything i see to SS and i can only hope he is eventually properly protected but today the threat to my dc was enough, i put a formal complaint into her housing officer and the owner and she is leaving, my family have done nothing wrong and i refuse to have my children scared by a nasty bully.

jj, what an awful experience, your children must have been terrified with all the banging. You are in a very difficult position, I hope she goes indeed and that the dad and child have the sense to stay behind. SS really ought to react to what's going on here, this woman may need help, but she's bonkers and sounds dangerous!

sorry for the essay in my last post,

they all went, the dad had to be kicked out too as they were caught trying to break into our room as they knew we had an ipod in there that we used to play music to the kids at night. basically petty revenge.

I lost alot of sleep last night worrying about the little boy but after speaking to the bnbs owner today, the parents were told they had 7 days to move into her dads or dc would be placed in care. and thats where they are heading so i can only hope he gets the protection he needs.

I was extremely upset yesterday as i was called into preschool, ds had been unusually quiet at school and in one on one he told his key worker (child living with us) mummy said shed hit me, key worker reasured him that mummy and daddy would make sure she didnt and he replied she said shed hit mummy and daddy too. i was so angry i was shaking. Hes 3 FFS and already quite bemused by his situation, im fuming, its a bloody good job they had left by then or id have ended up being thrown out. How evil and twisted, i barely let him out of my sight around her except when i clear our breakfast things to the kitchen

In addition to this she attempted to tell the bnb owner, chef and cleaner that my dp had threatened to hit her son if he didnt shut up. Dp wouldnt threaten to hit an adult let alone a child, luckily bnb owner told her shed never heard such utter rubbish, thank goodness we'd spent alot of time there so they knew my dp is mr patience and brilliantly calm with the kids, what an evil cow. She looked like a total idiot when everyone there failed to back up her claims.

now all the other residents there are avoiding us, im guessing she got a few words in in our absence, joy.

bump

what a horrible episode in your life JJ. I really hope you will all get through it soon.
you know you did the right thing getting involved with these horrible people, and I don't think you could have done anymore.

you are obviously very strong to have stuck to your guns through this, and I wish you the best of luck and strength to get through your own situation.
What's the latest btw, not sure where your other thread is
x

That sounds absolutely horrific Why on earth was she given another chance? How many second chances does someone who is openly abusing her child get? Until the child is seriously injured or worse?!

JJ so glad to hear the worst is over.

So is this "other lad" who confronted your DH still there ?
Did you ever discover the relationship he has w the family ?
Is he still a problem/ pouring poison in the ear of others ?

Hope you get housed soon.

Just wanted to say that social services will follow this up; they have an obligation by law under the Children Act to fully investigate any reports of physical assault against a child, so they will be conducting a full assessment of both of the parents. They need to see that the father can protect the child, as well as assess the risk from the mother. The child will be placed on a child protection plan to make the parents engage with social services and to protect the child. If social services feel that there is significant risk of harm they will remove the child (with an order from court), which would be in his best interests to protect him.
I hope if the B&B owner knows where they went to she passed on the address. If not, social services could trace them through the benefits system as it is a child protection case.
If it is something that has happened before and social services are aware of that they will take that into consideration.
Child protection is taken seriously, this family will not be able to dodge the issue.
And WELL DONE for reporting them - you did right. Well done.
(And I wish you a speedy resolution to your housing difficulties - good luck)