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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD this is abuse but complex situation.

104 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 23/03/2011 11:30

I know this is not really the correct place to post but i know aibu is the best place for heavy traffic, great advice and good opinions.

Me dp and the two dcs were made homeless 4 weeks ago since then we have stayed in a bnb.

opposite us is another family, youngish couple 27 and 25 with a son the same age as ours 3.

Now i try and keep myself to myself but im becoming increasingly distressed at how this child is treated, for starters they have no toys for him there this has upset the lady running the bnb so much she went and purchased toys for all the children staying there. He is forced to sit in front of the tv or sleep basically. but all that is pretty much nothing compared to the violence, id been there 3 days when she slapped him clean around the face full force because he was wriggling on her lap, this morning she wanted him to sit silently while she ate breakfast, he wasnt allowed any as he was naughty last night, he didnt sit still, hes 3 ffs. so she slapped him 5 times around the face after throwing him on the couch, my two started screaming and i left the room with them asking her partner to go see to his son.

this is daily, every evening he is forced to nap at around 5, she then screams at him all evening as he wont go to bed at 8, she had a pop at my two last night as they were talking in the hall and he was asleep, yet when theyre in bed at 7 hes allowed to roam and has even walked into our room shouting when theyre asleep, basically he is ignored and never being watched unless its to hurt or shout at him. It really does come accross as she doesnt like him, the dad seems terrified of her (dont blame him me and dp are) shes attacked him several times aswell. Recently she was away for a couple of days and the child was lovely with his dad and his dad is brilliant.

As well as this she has him in and out of the doctors claiming hes very ill etc, and then when he was ill with an ear infection didnt allow him to have the medication as shes overdosed him by accident before,

the problem is me and dp are terrfied of reporting her, something coming of it and her knowing its us, we have to live there, so does she. shes already been aggressive in words to my dcs, and im scared.

weve spoken to the owner and cleaner of the bnb and theyre reporting her, i think us also making a call would help this poor child, WWYD? do i stand a chance of horrible repurcusions?

sorry its so long.

OP posts:
BaadRobot · 23/03/2011 15:12

It's great that you've emailed and that Childrens Services will be involved now but I'm confused - earlier on you said you were on the phone to NSPCC? So..what did they say on the phone?

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 23/03/2011 15:16

i emailed whilst i waited for phone credit.

They said roughly the same on the phone, took names, address and so on, as accurate dates as i could give whats happened on those dates it was a long long call. i asked that i remained anon and they said of course then the email sayes i might not be?

Doesnt really matter though, ive done all i can to protect this poor child, but weve just had a call saying we are intentionally homeless (god knows how) but we are so were out of there so she wont know where i am for revenge iyswim.

how fast do you think they will act, im so concerned they will leave before he gets help

OP posts:
exhausted2011 · 23/03/2011 15:20

i think what they are saying is that they can't guarantee anonymity because they are passing it on to Children's Services, so it's out of their hands.
However I'm sure children's services will have the same confidentiality, surely they would know it's sensitive.
BTW you sound remarkably calm about your own situation, are you ok?

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 23/03/2011 15:28

no im not, im so close to breaking down i cant move, luckily the kids are in the garden at grandmas very happy.
i dont have a clue what im going to do, but ive took that to another thread on aibu as ive been told off before for changing subjects in a thread Blush

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 23/03/2011 16:07

Oh well done on reporting the family. I hope they act quickly.

And I am really sorry about your own situation. I hope you get sorted out. Must be a really tough time for you.

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2011 16:17

childrens services ime DONT avct as quickly as you may all think....if she is in process of hurting the child in your view again,then call the police.

also,you may all be scared of her....but sounds to me like she is actually wanting help with docs trips/abuse being in public view. if you had a chat with her it might be all she needs to seek help....then again,maybe not

its hard to get involved,for fear of repurcussions, i appreciate

hairylights · 23/03/2011 16:19

You absolutely MUST report this to social services immediately. This child is being abused, and I'm afraid that your thoughts must not be to any repercussions but to the safety of the child.

You can do this anonymously and SS should ensure that you are protected from them knowing who reported.

I have had to do a similar thing in the past, and my anonymity was protected.

Good luck.

BaadRobot · 23/03/2011 16:21

Ah I see JJ, apologies for my misunderstanding. And I'm glad you've reported it.

bintofbohemia · 23/03/2011 16:26

Can you lie about your identity if they're saying they can't guarantee anonymity? I'd phone 999 personally.

cauliflowersfluffy · 23/03/2011 17:41

I agree you must call the police about this issue that poor child is being abused and is at serious risk I do usually like to act as devils advocate at times but I couldn't about this there is no way around it this woman (animal) must be stopped.

MissMcGeek · 23/03/2011 17:53

If this is happening NOW and very publucly, then you NEED to call the police. One more night could be one more too many and in the morning....

I dread to think. Get this child help! Fuck the owner and who she thinks should call the police, childs life is in danger RIGHT NOW. Poor litttle boy :(

londonone · 23/03/2011 18:06

Call the police. Children's services often do bugger all due to lack of staff. I have learnt this from bitter experience.

SooooCynical · 23/03/2011 18:18

You must call the Police now. From what you say this child is likely to have visible injuries and he seems to be abused daily. Ring 999. You can remain anonymous (just don't give them your name!). However you need to give as much detail as possible so they know that the call is genuine and they can act appropriatel. Maybe leave your phone number and a pseudoname

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2011 18:29

i would call the police too and report everything you have seen.

RunAwayWife · 23/03/2011 18:34

poor child you must report it you must.

You ask what would I do, well the next time I saw her hit the poor child I would floor the bitch but thats just me.

Glitterknickaz · 23/03/2011 18:37

I'd agree with the others.... get in touch with the police as Childrens Services might be too slow.

Also as for your homeless situation get onto Shelter now. Many local authorities try to abdicate their housing responsibilities by saying people are intentionally homeless when they really are not.

LDNmummy · 23/03/2011 18:39

Call SS and NSPCC at the same time. Also let them know about the issue with the homelessness and that he will be gone by Friday, that way they may check up on the issue ASAP to avoid the LO becoming homeless too. And call the police if you are willing to make a statement, they may let you do it anonymously though I am unsure, it will just be good if there is a police report for SS to take it seriously too.

Horrid cow Angry Sad

Wish I could do something.

TidyDancer · 23/03/2011 18:48

Oh what a bloody horrible situation. That poor child.

I have to say, I have reported somebody to the NSPCC before, and they sent the police round that same day. And that was a weekend evening when things are generally slower in offices but busier with police, so I was quite impressed. That wasn't a case that involved violence, it was neglect and squalor (which is obviously not a minor thing, but probably not considered as pressing as a child who is beaten daily). So these things do get actioned quickly.

I hope your own situation has some good news soon. :)

racmac · 23/03/2011 19:15

Call the bloody police! NOW its assault - she will be arrested and the child taken into emergency care

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 23/03/2011 21:53

well,

i got in to little lad in bed at 7, which has never happened. she got a call from child services apparently dad said hes not suprised, she is a REPEAT OFFENDER and she vanished. Surely if shes a repeat offender they should take the child?

tbh im hoping she never comes back he is so happy and settled with his daddy.

the minute shes back ill call 999

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 23/03/2011 22:03

Well I'm not too impressed with his daddy if he can't protect his own little boy! FFS, how can anyone profess to be a decent parent and stand by while their tiny child is assaulted? Yes, if she comes back, call the police AND SS. Because while they might agree that the boy can stay with his dad, it should be on the proviso that that woman is not allowed within 10 feet of him. Women who allow abusive partners back into their home are at risk of losing their DC for failure to protect them - should be the same for men.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 23/03/2011 22:16

fair point thumbwitch, from what ive seen though hes treated in a similar manner and he asked me what the chances of him getting the child if they split, shed convinced him he never could so he stays for his son, and ive seen her attack him a few times too, its all extremely sad.

will report back tomorrow. im worried shell arrive back while were in bed..

OP posts:
upyourdiva · 23/03/2011 22:23

Oh god this sounds awful for everyone involved especially that poor little boy, well done for calling NSPCC but I am a bit miffed that the B&B owner would allow this to go on and not call the police.. I thought if anything it would be their responsibilty over anything else?!

I do hope that the dad can get himself together and kee the child away from his 'mother' as obviously care should be a last resort unless in obvious danger.

Bigpants1 · 23/03/2011 22:37

Glad the little ds is out of immediate danger. If she is a repeat offender, where the heck were the checks from SS on her and the wee one? Is this another wee one allowed to fall through the supposed safety net?
Also glad, that ds is happy with his dad, BUT, dad has stood by while his son has been abused, and knew his partner was a repeat offender.He had a choice to stay with her, his ds did not. I hope he keeps his ds safe from now on. This story is so sad.

TheSleepFairy · 23/03/2011 22:41

You can log a call with the police on a non emergency number right now to explain what has happened & the if you/poor lads dad needs to diall 999 tonight, you can quote a reference number without going through everything again.
Stress how she is violent towards adults & children & you fear for the safety of the child.