Help - dd is a FB bully

[01march2011]

Have name changed. Posted here cos it's busy...

What do I do. DD is just 13 and has been cyber bullying a girl who was her friend. School now involved and police too apparetnly. Going to see them tomorrow. Don't know what to expect.

DDs emails indicate she knows police and school involved but we knew nothing of this till a phone call from school this morning.

Am sat here in tears not knowing where the hell we went wrong, or what to expect from the meeting tomorrow, or why on earth she turned out like this. She's normally a model child, friendly, hard working, bright, mature....

Any words of wisdom?

Oh you poor thing. Girls can be very bitchy at this age, sometimes it's easy to get led into things because everyone else is doing it, and sometimes kids bully because they're unhappy themselves. I don't know how sustained this has been from your daughter, but sitting her down and talking to her about it is key. Try not to get her on the defensive because then she'll just clam up and get angry, but do try and find out where her aggression to this other child stems from and why she thought it was fun/acceptable to do this.

I'd also ban her from facebook and the internet in general for a good long while (ie take her smart phone if she has one and stop internet access at home).

Perhaps give the bullying helpline for parents a call. They are there for parents of bullied kids but I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help from the other side too. www.kidscape.org.uk/helpline/index.asp

Sit her down and ask her why she's done it. Delete her facebook account after you've had the meeting, not before or it may make it look like you're trying to hide something. I haven't had any experience of this, on either side, but just a couple of suggestions. Hopefully someone will be along soon who can give you some advice.

And this is why DD will never have FB while I have breath in my body. Unrealistic much?
OP, I would do what the previous posters have said. No internet access except for homework.
You won't be the first nor the last in this situation, so cut yourself a little slack.

What Kreecher said.
No blame for you, but your daughter, at 13, is old enough to know better.
Make sure you don't make, or accept, any excuses for her, or from her.
Hope it all turns out OK for you, and your daughter learns one of life's lessons that will never leave her.

It is true - I've done some digging around of accounts myself. Which apparetny is what the police are going to so today (I'm resisting the urge to wonder if they have;t got enough criminals to catch but hey ho).

I will certainly be removing access to facebook, emails etc (she doesn;t have smartphone) and grounding her till the end of the Easter hols.

Anyone know what school and police likely to do? How can I get her to own up to this?

There was a really good thread in chat last week about the long term effects of bullying - can't remember the title and posting from phone so can't link, but it was about the bully wanting to be forgiven. Maybe find and show to your dd? I posted on it, if that helps.

Sorry meant to add thank for comments so far.

Listen. Talk. Get to the bottom of it and try and stay calm. I have a 13 year old myself and I am quite shocked when I see some of the things they talk about. Most of it is posturing and insecurity.

They must have evidence in the first place but try not to second-guess what they will say and do. You just need to let it unfold...

Oh dear. Has she ever been bullied herself? I have to admit I was a horrible cow to a friend when I was around her age, and had been extensively bullied myself.

Her age and mediums like text and facebook do make it easy for them to fall into this trap and once it's started it inevitably escalates.

This is an opportunity to put a stop to this behaviour, find out what she's been thinking and hopefully make amends with the poor girl she's been having a go at.

Make sure she understands the seriousness of it but strike a balance between punish and support- hard to do I expect!

I've done some digging around of accounts myself. Which apparetny is what the police are going to so today (I'm resisting the urge to wonder if they have;t got enough criminals to catch but hey ho).

so, if someone on here called police cos their kid was suicidal from being bullied, and they said sorry sod off, we have criminals to catch, you would be ok with that??

cos i can hear the stampede starting now

I wouldn't worry too much about what the police will do, I wouldn't be happy about it going down on record though so maybe make sure that anything said is on an informal basis.

I'm glad it's been highlighted tbh. My DD who is 16 now and has kept herself to herself all through this difficult stage had some nasty comments posted (by a boy) on fb just recently, the comments got deleted but after she had read them. I'm just hoping DD can see through them and it doesn't crush her self esteem. I hate it when fb is used as a bullying tool.

Agree with everyone else take her profile down. I'm sure she isn't the only one and has possibly been party to this as a popularity and fitting in issue.

Admittedly I know nothing about this because DD has only just started school. But do you know what has actually gone on? I would think it is quite unusual to involve the police in a case of bullying unless some threats have been made? Or if they have tried other means to stop the bullying and failed. But I'm guessing.

I hope you can work this out between you. I am starting to dread DD's teenage years.

I wouldn't give internet access for anything, even homework. If teachers know that she's been bullying someone via facebook/internet then I imagine they'll set homework for her that she can do without it.
The most she'll get is a warning and a stern talking to, but it'll stay on her school record.

OP... So sorry, I hear your pain. :(

Is it the 'not knowing of the likely/potential consequences' that is bothering you? I don't know if there is anywhere or anyone you can ask about that.

If you have your meeting tomorrow then I would imagine that the information is being collated ready to go and by tomorrow you'll know what's what. Prepare yourself to hear other stuff you might not know about yet.

As far as your DD is concerned, she needs consequences but good. It is too easy to be a follower in this age of constant media and I think most bullies are followers as they lack the confidence to stand for themselves, they need cronies.

If it were my DD... this is how I'd probably deal with it.

No internet - you've already done this.
Long discussion about bullying - getting feedback from DD as to why and what she got out of it. Visit bullying websites together to show how destructive and harmful this behaviour is.
No 'treats', possible removal of tv and music from bedroom - this depends on the type of programmes she's watching and music that she listens to.
No access (except for school) from the 'friends' she's been bullying with
No going out at all for a specified period.
After that period, going out to specific places where she will be taken and collected by parent.
I'd make it quite clear that although I loved her, I am terribly, terribly disappointed in her behaviour.

Your DD is going to be surprised how quickly her reputation as a bully spreads. She's going to have to live with it for a while... I'd prepare her for that.

Tomorrow your DD has to apologise - and mean it - regardless of the consequences and punishments she is given by the school/police.

I really do feel for you, OP... it's an awful situation to be in. No point blaming yourself though, you're taking action now and that's the important thing.

Good luck for tomorrow, post back and tell us how it went.

wonkey - yes I do see your point, and I'm not dismissing this at all - I'm worried sick. But it's only been happening in the last week or so and I'm pretty sure the girl in question isn't suicidal. Incredibly upset yes but suicidal no.

If your elderly parent was being mugged in the street and the police's response was 'Oh sorry we're too busy sorting out some silly teenage girls' bullying' you'd wonder on their priorities too.

I don't think she is being bullied herself but she doesn't open up much so maybe so (or am I grasping at straws?). My instinct says ti was more a fitting in issue as adamschic says. Will try to get her to open up.

There are more than 2 police (ah, men?) on duty at any time, I'm sure they can handle a mugging and a bullying girl at the same time.

A relative of mine did this when they were the same age, in conjunction with another child in their school. They'd set up a page specifically for people to post on, mocking the victim. This relative was also a model child...

They too were banned from FB, grounded, made to go and see the victim and hear how it had made them feel.

The relative is now an adult and a lovely person, this sort of behaviour was never repeated. Although there's no excuse for the behaviour, it may help to know that they're not beyond hope at that stage.

Lying witch (good nn!) - yes it's the not knowing, and I don't want to pre-empt any outcome as that means I have to say 'Yes I know my dd is a bully' which almost pre-determines what's going to happen tomorrow. She is a follower yes.... so maybe there is more to this.We will follow through with those anf others' suggestions.

and yes she will be in for a hell of a time at school i suspect whcih will probably be worse than anything we do

I think you?re still minimizing it by saying "some silly teenage girl bullying". If the police are actually involved then it must be fairly serious, has she been making physical threats?

If the girl your DD has been bullying was previously a friend of hers, do you know the parents? If so, is it worth asking (via the school / police) if there parents would be willing to meet with you, so you can apologise on behalf of your family and tell them what you're doing about it. This might give them some comfort, especially if they know you had no idea and are furious with her.

I'd be worried about the police record. You should ask them about that. ie what goes on her record, how long for, does it have to be declared in the future etc
If they know you're taking steps to deal with it, this may help

You haven't said how your daughter has reacted to school / police being involved. Is she now full of remorse? You could scare her with some stories about kids who take their lives after being bullied to help her understand the seriousness of it. People hide behind the internet to say some horrible things that they wouldn't say to your face.

Re Facebook, my DH is an IT teacher and he says lots of kids have a Facebook account their parents know about, so Mum can be a "friend " if she wants to, but they also have another one in a different name for their private life. Sorry to scare you, but I think it'll be difficult to phase FB out entirely. If she's determined to use it, I think she'll find a way.

My son got suspended from school - a boy in his year v bravely abused ds3 aged 10 over an xbox live account ( he did in fact say sexual related things about me to ds3) next day ds2 went to school and beat the boy up (i dont condone this) Ds2 was understandably suspended but H did point out that these children safe in the sanctuary of their homes say things over the internet that in real life they really wouldnt,I know that you feel very disappointed in your dds behaviour and will take steps to punish her,but I dont think shes the only one theres a lot of it,In fact when we first got internet before I discovered mumsnet I used to go into a chat room where Im ashamed to say a group of 'ladies' actually bullied me .

My Kaspersky antivirus has a parental control feature and it's easy to ban the type of sites you don't want them to have access to, including Facebook. My ds1 is denied access to sites like Facebook.

Facebook is bloody shite and causes more harm than enough.

As a mother of a dd who was bullied through school and fb, I can say that my dd went through hell for the best part of a year.

The police will take it seriously, more so than the school in my experience as it is happening outside of school, (but our school were crap). What they did was printed off every single comment that every single child had made to my dd and then went round to their houses's unannounced and spoke to them.

They had records of everything, tagged pictures and all sorts. It will go on record that your dd has been spoken to but she won't have a criminal record. The children in question, (and there were alot of them by the time it got to fb from school) were told in no uncertain terms that if they approached my dd again, spoke to her, or otherwise intimidated her in any way, they would be arrested and the matter taken further.

We have never had any comeback since that episode but that final warning was along time coming, dd was out of school for a whole school year almost before it all came to a head. She was a little older than your dd though, 14 when it started, (over a stuipd boy would you believe).

Hopefully your dd has just got caught up in something that perhaps she has got out of her depth with, and being that little bit younger she'll be able to step away from the others involved, (i'm sure there'll be a ringleader somewhere there always is).

try and support her in keeping her away from playing the big I am to the others involved, girls have to be one of the gang and don't want to be different, but you must be firm with her that this cannot be tolerated, children have died through being bullied, it's not a bit of harmless banter.

Stay strong, she's very young and you sound like a normal parent who is horrified that their child could be involved in something like this. It can happen to anyone.

Good luck.

I do really feel for you - the only thing I think would be worse than hearing a dc is being bullied would be hearing they are the bully. Btw even the fairly mild verbal bullying I experienced changed me forever, so thinking of it as 'silly' isn't really something you want your dd to take away.