Help - dd is a FB bully

[01march2011]

Have name changed. Posted here cos it's busy...

What do I do. DD is just 13 and has been cyber bullying a girl who was her friend. School now involved and police too apparetnly. Going to see them tomorrow. Don't know what to expect.

DDs emails indicate she knows police and school involved but we knew nothing of this till a phone call from school this morning.

Am sat here in tears not knowing where the hell we went wrong, or what to expect from the meeting tomorrow, or why on earth she turned out like this. She's normally a model child, friendly, hard working, bright, mature....

Any words of wisdom?

Do talk to your dd about this - get her to tell you what she has done and said. Sometimes having to repeat your actions to someone has more of an impact than being punished, shouted at etc etc.

My DSS stopped using facebook after witnessing cyberbullying of a friend. I think it is very very prevalent. These young kids don't actually have the wherewithall to understand what they are doing or the impact that it has. It's a bit like mumsnet in that regard - lots of people on here can be quite vicious in their posts when I am sure they are not like that in RL. To a teen, facebook feels anonymous even when it isn't.

Lovecat's post is really worth bearing in mind I think.

My god-daughter was bullied on FB and even though it was for a short time it was very distressing for her.
One thing the bully's parents did - which you may or may not agree with- was they made their daughter put an apology on FB, confessing to what she had done and how wrong it was. Their logic was that their daughter would see first hand how these things spread and the impact it can have on someones life - in the bully's case, her own. Yes the bully had to go through a tough time at school but she at least had her parents and school's full knowledge and support that it was happening, and frankly that wasn't as bad as the private hell I know my god-daughter went through prior to telling anyone.
You need to see the school and police tomorrow, get the facts from them and then sit down with your daughter and have a very candid chat about what happened from her perspective. I suspect only then can you decide the most effective punishment and way of ensuring she learns the lesson.

Sounds like a horrendous situation for everyone involved.

Take a look at this video clip for some ideas on how to talk to your DD.

If it has only been happening for a week, I'm surprised the police are already involved. Also I would definitely not call it "silly" in front of your DD. I don't mean to kick you while you are down but it does seem that you are most irritated about the involvement of the police, rather than what has happened to the girl being bullied.

I do really feel for you, it must be a shock to discover your child would be capable of such cruelty towards another human being.

I'd deffo go with the no facebook thingy, grounding... the usual suspects.

And maybe print off a shedload of articles about kids who have literally been bullied to death. There were two in my town last year, a nine year old boy hung himself at the end of the holidays. He obviously couldn't face going back to school and a few weeks later a 12 year old did the same.

Make her read the articles and when she's done she can write you an essay, telling you how it made her feel, the possible consequences of her actions, and how she/ you would have felt had she been the bullied girl.

(if she were mine i'd make her read the bugger out to the class too. But i'm a cow like that)

I know it's been a shock for you but you do seem more concerned about your dd and very flippant towards the girl involved. Which is an attitude your dd must NOT see as it basically makes the situation ok so long as you get away with it !

Having been bullied all through senior school, hearing bullying dismissed as 'silly' gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is not silly - it is very damaging and serious - and I did end up feeling suicidal in my mid-teens because of the bullying.

That said, OP, it seems that you have caught this early, so hopefully no major damage will have been done, and your dd will get a short, sharp lesson in why bullying is so wrong and will never do anything like this again.

In one way it doesn't actually matter whether she was the ringleader or a follower - it causes the same pain for the victim either way, but in another way it does, because your dd needs to learn not to follow other people when they are doing something wrong/nasty. She took the easy route by bullying her friend rather than standing up for her. This happened to my ds2 at senior school, and his best friend ended up joining in with the bullies - which I find hard to forgive even now.

I would suggest that your dd needs to think about ways to make reparation to this girl. Seoramaeuel's suggestion of a public admission and apology on FB is a good one, and I think there needs to be an apology in person too, with some sort of reparation - a letter of apology, perhaps.

I'd be beyound sick if I discovered any of my children were bullying, wouldn't give a crap if they were 'following' bullying behaviour it is an evil thing to do.

I don't know what I'd do, but I'd have no sympathy or worries about what the consequences of their bullying behaviour where and they would most certainly know how disappointed and sadden I was by they nastiness.

If she gets a police record, which is only got if someone is found guilty of a crime (isn't it), then it's means she's commit a crime. Her own fault.

I'm with ApocalypseCheeseToastie and I also would make her read it out too. Zero tolerance for bullying model children, my own children, from anyone.

I do agree with others who have said, please don't let your DD pick up on the fact that you regard this as 'silly teenage girls' bullying' - she needs to think that you take it as seriously as the police (rightly) do, and also please try to encourage her to show more concern and remorse towards her victim than you have done thus far (on here, at least )!

I was bullied at school by silly teenage girls and have suffered from low self-esteem all my life as a direct result. The effects of bullying are terribly terribly painful and stay with you for life. Please please try to think about the victim of your daughter in all this.

It's a good thing that the police are involved - it will give her a fright and hopefully scare her off doing anything like this again. Agree that you need to back up the police's message and not let on to your daughter that you think they are wasting time - she needs to take on board how serious this is.

I also think a written apology to the victim is a good idea, maybe posted on fb, or maybe sent privately.

I wouldn't take a softly softly approach and worry about her opening up to you. There doesn't have to be a serious underlying issue for her to bully - and it kind of absolves her of responsibility if take that angle. As others have said, I would go for a zero tolerance approach.

I'm still suffering from depression as a result of long term bullying at school, TheCowardlyLion - it is getting better, but I've been on antidepressants for years, and am only now recovering because I've been given long term psychotherapy in a group.

OP - I'm not saying this to imply that your dd is going to have caused damage like this - but it might be worth telling her about the harm that long term bullying can do, to shock her into realising why what she did was wrong.

OP- as I said on previous page, I feel mortified for you, but try, as others have said, to not try and minimise this by using words such as "silly FB bullying".

I don't know much about how the police work, but would echo what others have said, in that this is unlikely to be a bit of silly namecalling and has probably been going on for some considerable time.

I think any kind of treatment that makes one feel left out, different or inadequate can be extremely hurtful for 13 year old girls, or anyone but at this age I think these things are particularly important. So theres no way this can be described as silly. Stillfrazzled is right simple verbal bullying can hurt for a ling time.

Don't get her to post any more on fbook, even an apology validates her use of it and that it is a public forum for airing ones dirty laundry.

1. Accept how serious this is yourself
2. No Facebook account full stop
3. Find out the names of the other girls involved in bullying. Ban all contact with them. She obviously can't behave normally in their company.
4. Contact one of the organisations that supports children who are/have been cyber bullied. See if you can arrange for her to be put in touch with someone who's suffered this kind of bullying to talk about the inpact it had on them.
5. New activity/club for her. Without any of these 'friends'. Exposing her to some new people and keep her busy away from Facebook.

op i would go into the school and get the full facts of the situation and as a punishment/consequence in addition to the FB being taken away, grounding etc I would be asking the school about restorative justice for the victim. If done well can be very cathartic for the entire cohort. Is this a one on one situation, or is a whole class/year involved in some way? Youth workers can come into the school and work with a group on bullying and so on.

What is the schools policy on bullying, how is that put into practice?

I would want to see how victims could be better protected and situations delta with BEFORE the police were involved.

Apologies if I seemed not to take this too seriously - believe me I am and my heart goes out to dd's victim. Silly was just an off the cuff word - it's clearly far more than just silliness.

Re joining other groups - she is in lots of groups outside school -all good 'wholesome' type groups. I won't list to preserve anonymity, but suffice to say she is surrounded by nice sensible non-judgemental friends whisch is why thsi is such a shock.

Am liking the idea of the public apology - maybe via fb...? Yes others were involved so maybe some group restorative work as ongak suggests.

We haven't talked yet - this has all been discovered after a phone call from school this morning.

Not via fb! Fb is really not the place a) for 13 year olds and b) to proclaim everything to the world. The lesson surely has to be not to use fb to publicly embarrass anyone?

Noooooooooooooooo, not on facebook. EVERYONE involved should be made to apologise in front of the whole school

I would like to point out that the police are involved because your daughter can be charged with harrassment. When bullying occurs via text/ email/ facebook, it is outwith the school and they don't really have a lot of power. It is more than bullying, its targeted, consistent harrassment.

And another thing, when you close a facebook account it isn't really ever "closed" as such. It can be reactivated by the user by them signing back in. I think you would have to email the facebook team and actually ask them to close the account permanently. And I agree with the person who said that often kids will have 2 accounts, it is true.

But to me, this isn't a facebook debate, this is about accepting that the behaviour is not appropriate or acceptable and working towards changing that behaviour. You can never really monitor her facebook access 100% so you need to work on changing her behaviour rather than restricting her access to FB.

And for what it's worth, I would make your daughter own up and apologise via facebook before the account is closed. Her friends on there may extend beyond her own school, so a school based apology isn't going to reach everyone. And the girls involved will probably make out to others that they only apologised because "stupid Mr xx, or Miss xx" made them do it. Plus a face to face apology to the other girl involved AND her parents. Girls can put on a front to other girls, but most 13 year olds would crap themselves having to deal with the parents as well.