Help - dd is a FB bully

[01march2011]

Have name changed. Posted here cos it's busy...

What do I do. DD is just 13 and has been cyber bullying a girl who was her friend. School now involved and police too apparetnly. Going to see them tomorrow. Don't know what to expect.

DDs emails indicate she knows police and school involved but we knew nothing of this till a phone call from school this morning.

Am sat here in tears not knowing where the hell we went wrong, or what to expect from the meeting tomorrow, or why on earth she turned out like this. She's normally a model child, friendly, hard working, bright, mature....

Any words of wisdom?

From what i gather, she won't be able to access facebook page at all from her pc, the page just wont load....as a result, she wont be able to view / post anything

I leave the techie bit to others but from a user perspective your DD (and frankly everyone of her age/generation) need to learn how to use social media wisely. IMO for them its a life skill just like how to make friends face to face or money management. Its not going anywhere and it will only get bigger and more influential.
So yes put some parental blocks in place but please push the school - even if you have to use this situation as a bit of an example to force the issue - to teach your DD and her peers about the power of these tools.
She is going to have to accept that people are already gossiping about her/the meeting on facebook - I'm sure most of the school already knows what happened and facebook is their new "playground". She needs to learn that her internet history will follow her about - whether its her lashing out after an arguement or suffering the consequences of being found out. Frankly if she was already "wise" enough to set up an account you didn't know about - then she'll find another way to get back into play, so the more you teach her how to handle this type of technology as a social skill the better it will be.

Sorry - will get off my soap box but it really winds me up that people think you can just ban teenagers from this stuff and that will make it alright

soeraemaeul agree with you especially the last sentence.

Thanks bemybebe - I know I can rant on this subject (rewrote that post at least 6 times!)

Oh dear, Girls can be so horrid can't they.

I'm glad the internet wasn't around when I was a teenage girl. It gives what would, in other circumstances, be a hurtful but short-lived private comment a really wide audience and long shelf life.

Have you suggested that the school try a restorative justice approach?

In some ways, although this is awful, she has had a very shocking warning about her behaviour and I'm sure it will be enough to stop it in her tracks and perhaps mature a bit along the way. She probably never imagined that a comment (which was nasty but could have easily been shouted in the playground) could land her in trouble with the police/school. I think you should now absolutely stand behind the school and her designated punishment, but in some ways I think you are lucky it was nipped in the bud now and she has received a right royal telling off. She's probably mortified.

Hello March, thanks for posting back.

It doesn't sound as serious as first thought to me, just a pair of girls being spiteful to each other, with one being 'liked more' than the other. I think that the girl's parents completely overreacted and I hope they've removed her access to FB as well. It sounds as if she was more 'devastated' about the 'likes' than the comment as she realises that she's not so popular. That's life and she needs to learn.

I'm glad your DD understands that there are consequences to things like this and that she needs to be very careful in future - and stay completely away from this girl.

If you're going to give FB back to your daughter at some point, make sure she knows that it's 'on trust' and if she ever does something like this again she'll lose it for good.

I'm glad the worst is over now.

Good grief. What a ridiculous waste of police time. The other parents have overreacted big time in my view. I say this as someone whose son has been nastily tagged in a silly photo by a couple of thoughtless teasing meanies with lots of mutual 'mates' piling in to take the piss only yesterday. Shit happens and he's told them to f off. Problem sorted without painting children as bullies / victims or wasting police time, etc.

Your daughter was mean. So are most people at one point or another and I'm sure she'll learn from it. Think you're absolutely right to make your displeasure and disappointment known and to punish her. But this has been badly handled by the other girl's parents and they are not doing their daughter any favours painting her as a victim who needs police input to right these wrongs. I think we've totally lost perspective sometimes, I really do.

FFS even the OP doesn't think the police wasted their time.

Triskaidekaphile, bully for your son (as it were) that he felt able to do that. Unfortunately as a lot of the parents on this thread have pointed out, other children are driven to contemplate fucking suicide because of bullying. So don't belittle it, and them with your platitudes and world-gone-mad-isms.

OP- thank you for coming back.

It is NOT a waste of police time. These things can spiral into something much nastier if not checked. Hopefully, OP's daughter has had a short, sharp shock and will desist from bullying those weaker than herself. If it hadn't been picked up on it could have ended up being a whole world of shit. What a ridiculous remark to make.

For goodness sakes... there's a world of difference between some spiteful remarks and bullying. There was no need to involve the police but then again, some parents simply can't seem to 'parent'. Anybody's child can make an uncalled for remark at any time... at what point does that become bullying?

This was a sledgehammer to crack a nut and I really would rather the appropriate discipline be used by the parents, without resorting to wasting police time. Surely parents are competent to do a little investigating amongst themselves to find out what has happened?

I'm sick and tired of hearing minor incidents referred to as 'bullying'... you even hear it on MN between members. It's pathetic and that is what belittles real bullying, which does need official intervention.

It probably felt like bullying to the other girl.

I wouldn't be surprised if OP was downplaying things a little bit, either. I would too. The police wouldn't waste their time on that, I am certain.

The police have been doing the investigating, mamaladewatkins. You don't know that the OP has been downplaying things either. She didn't know anything until the meeting today, all the information she had was from her daughter who, I grant you, was probably downplaying it.

There are some people who cry 'bully' at the slightest thing, they even cry it when it's proved that they instigated an argument in the first place. They don't like what they hear and they play victim. They deserve no sympathy whatsoever.

There are other people who are bullied, truly, they are hounded and heckled and ganged-up on and it can be absolutely relentless. These are the incidents I would like the police to step in on and protect the people being bullied.

From the information we have, I don't call that bullying. It's spite. Girls can be very spiteful, but when both are party to it that's not bullying by any stretch of the imagination. One girl is always going to have the sharper put downs to lob at the other, and one girl will always have more friends to press 'like'.

The police actually ought to reprimand the parents of the bullied other girl for wasting their time. I don't think the right messages have got through at all.

I agree with you. I don't think that a few isolated spiteful comments constitute bullying. I just think that there is more to it than the OP is telling us.

it doesn't seem to have been that bad if what the OP says is true but it could have easily escalated to more but was nipped in the bud quickly. What police involvement will do however, is highlight to the whole school in a serious way how this kind of pettiness can lead to big trouble for those involved and might make them more aware and think twice about using Fb in this way - that even a comment or a 'like' can come back to bite them in the bum.

another thing - it sounds as though the girls who pressed 'like' to your daughter comments are just as bad and hopefully will be dealt with as well. your daughter was silly and mean in arguing on line with her friend but sounds as though it was done in the heat of the moment - the other girls had no such excuse and should share some punishment.

I profoundly disagree, Bucherest. If children are feeling suicidal at a facebook thread such as this (assuming that we now have the full story) then they have other issues, other serious problems. Maybe they have suffered other bullying, maybe there are family problems, perhaps emerging mental health issues. It is not impossible that the over dramatic response of the parents is one of the issues, imo, if this is their typical modus operandi.

It is quite simply unhelpful to teach children that you deal with unkindness by calling the emergency services, imo. What message does it give? It says that they are powerless to help themselves against people being nasty, that there is nothing they can do but suffer until the bad person is brought to justice. That this is a problem beyond the ordinary help of parents, friends, teachers. Of course, in the case of sustained bullying this might be the right message to give. But this is NOT such a situation. Calling in the police is unhelpful to everyone. Not least the police who have better things to do with their time.

I think my main concern would be dd's deceit about the fake fb page. That would really worry me. Also, why is she on fb when she's 13 - you have to be 14 to be on it.

My dd is still very young but internet safety terrifies me (I teach about it so know too many of the dangers). I will be very controlling about dd's internet access but you have to show some trust - tricky to balance so definitely not your fault. Hopefully dd learns her lesson - does sound like standard girly nastiness, it's the lying I would worry about.

My 11 yo DSD is on FB, she lied about her date of birth to sign up and then changed it once she had an account. This was all done with her mother's permission, because everyone else her age that she knows had one as well. It is not really appropriate IMO, some of the stuff her friends say, not anything bullying or horrible, but stuff far too mature for people of their age.
I agree with PrincessScrumpy, the fact your DD set up a separate account to do this shows she did intend to do things on it without your knowledge, and that is worrying. It sounds like you're dealing with it very well though.

To those few on here, who say it wasnt bullying, and a waste of police time, well, why dont we let the police decide what to act on and what not.
And, who says your definition of bullying is right?
It might have started as a few spiteful remarks, but it didnt just stay between the two girls, lots more got to see each comment posted, and "joined in." So, now, the "victim", knows that probably most of her class has seen what was said. Imagine what that does to someones self esteem if that goes on for a sustained period, and how unhappy that person would become. Its good it was stopped quickly.
Oh, for the "lovely" person that said that the victim now knows shes not popular tough, thats life. She does not need a grp of people on fb pointing this out! Most young people know very well themselves who is popular and whos not, and have to deal with that on a daily basis. Would you like your flaws on the internet for everyone to read and laugh at, or would that be tough??
And what the fuck has the victims parents done, for you to say, smugly, that its just a case of not being able to parent!(BTW,Im NOT implying that the other girls parents did wrong either).

God help your dc if they are ever bullied in any way. Must be mighty drafty way up there in smug land. Better watch you dont come crashing down!

In terms of monitoring activity, do you have any older children/nieces or nephews who could keep an eye out? My friend's little sister is 13 and has an account on the condition that my friend set it up and so knows all the privacy controls etc. and can check it. She isn't allowed photos tagged of her or anything like that. All that sounds like the sort of thing you were doing, but I think maybe she feels less restricted because it's her sister not her parents (so it's less like spying, I suppose, which is how it may have felt for your DD?).

I'm not saying you shouldn't be checking - it sounds like you were trying really hard - but there might be less deceit if she felt less trapped? A relative who is a bit older (perhaps at university?) who has her best interests at heart and so wouldn't abuse the privilege might help?

Bigpants... I was the "lovely" poster who said that the 'victim' now knows she's not popular. I agree with you that she probably knew that anyway, kids - especially girls - do have a 'barometer' of who and what is cool and they can be very exacting about it.

Assuming that the 'victim' (who is a girl of OP's DD's age and is a peer) has been involved in this on/off friendship for some time, why would she engage in a FB discussion anyway? It is not bullying to press 'like' to some spiteful comments. Yes, the comments are spiteful, FB is a venue for spiteful people just as much as any other chatboard is. Where were the 'victim's' parents in all this? What were they doing in terms of checking their daughter's online activities, hmm? You have no idea of the extent of the involvement of the 'victim', nor the people who pressed 'like'. So the comments weren't appreciated, and? From what the OP has said, this seems to have been a spiteful spat between two girls being well, spiteful girls.

It is tough for kids finding their way in life, their peer position within their school or group of pupils. It has always been so. What has changed, is the communication media available and the unwillingness of some parents to monitor or curtail anything their darling children may do. That's not parenting, not in my opinion anyway.

It's the unbearable smugness of some of the posters on this thread, berating the OP, that I couldn't understand. Children can be horrible, spiteful and unthinking, with a tendency to 'gang up' an find 'easy targets'. Much of the time their comments are just ignored. As soon as somebody shouts 'bullying', those comments previously ignored will be given a different label... and it can happen to any parent at any time that their child will have the 'bully' label attached.

If it were to happen to or by my child, I'd make it my job to find out what has happened with the parents of the child/ren concerned and agree action (if possible), directly with them. That doesn't make me smug, it would be my job as a parent.