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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this the norm and I am odd..

24 replies

Theantsgomarching · 22/03/2011 16:26

Have just moved onto an housing estate having never lived on one before so not sure if this is just how it is..

A couple of weeks ago we were all playing on private driveway, dd had just gotten a bike for her 3rd bday. A girl came along and started playing with dd and ds( 1yr ). After a while and seeing no sign of any adults I asked her where she lived and she pointed at a house a few doors up on opposite side of the road, I would guess that she is 7 or 8 maybe.

Anyway, she must have been with us an hour and half or so, no adult appeared during this time. she kept lifting ds despite me telling her not toas she could drop him on Tarmac etc, and followed dd into the house on more than one occasion.

Is it wrong that I find this a bit inappropriate? We get precious little time together as a family not to be babysitting unasked for someone else. I bring it up here now cause she called to see if dd could play out today. I told her dd was to young to play out alone and I was to busy...

So am I a horrible cow or is this a little off?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/03/2011 16:29

You aren't a horrible cow at all, but I don't see it as off, I think it's the norm on housing estates where there are children. I'd rather keep myself to myself and sod the neighbours and their kids.

MmeLindt · 22/03/2011 16:30

Hmm. Bit worrying that no one checked on her in 1 1/2 hours.

And she should know not to go into strangers' houses without asking her mother.

Not sure what you can do, other than allowing her to play with DD when it suits you. If you see her mother you could introduce yourself and see how she reacts.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 22/03/2011 16:32

Do you live down my road, lol....we have a little girl like that!! Actually, I feel really sorry for her, she is 10, she walks to school on her own and spends a lot of time hanging around outside as her parents have gone out and left her!!

She was playing with DS and his friend in our back garden (She lives oppsite DS's friend and knows him and his family but didnt know us at the time)and then it started raining so they all came in and DS put a film on. I kept asking her if it was ok for her to be here, should I call her dad etc etc but she said no, she does it all the time and they dont mind! Her dad didnt have a clue where she was and had to walk up and down the road till he spotted her bike.........i found that quite shocking!! He knocked on the door to ask if she was here and wasnt at all bothered that she was. She did this a few times but she was a manipulative girl and was getting DS to do things I didnt agree with so in the end I stopped her coming round altogether.

She now has a key so she can let herself in when her parents are out!

poochela · 22/03/2011 16:33

welcome to estate life, they'll be out till its dark in the summer!!! let your older one play out front for half an hour but she isnt to leave your line of eyesight from your window or something similar. Sit in the garden if you like to try it out.

But, dont do/say anything rash yet as you have to live there and so do your kids. You'll get used to it in time, just make firm simple rules like not to go in others houses and not to have them in yours etc and it'll be fine. Honest.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/03/2011 16:33

Perfectly normal on our estate. It's a neighbourhood, inhabited by, err, neighbours. If you don't want a child in the house you tell them so. It's not a big deal.

Every chance her mum or dad were looking out the window now and then, which is what I (and other parents on the estate) do.

Original poster

Theantsgomarching · 22/03/2011 16:33

They could have looked out there windows and seen her I think. More the fact that it's a bit rude not to check it was okay to join us...and I was very uncomfortable with her just walking in to the house..

I am normally very friendly and relaxed but this just really felt wrong to me

OP posts:

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 22/03/2011 16:34

My DS is 8 BTW and no way is he allowed to play outside the front!! Not so worried of stranger danger, more of getting run over - I have told him we will discuss it when he is 11!

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 16:36

Estate life! Just practise your firm voice and saying ' You need to go home now dear, we are busy" while clenching your teeth!

MrsH75 · 22/03/2011 16:38

I don't see what is wrong with a 10 year old walking to school on their own but being left unsupervised for long periods (for the 7 or 10 year old) and not asking their parents before they go to someone's house is a bit off.

What I like about where we live is it's like where I grew up - groups of kids play in the street when the evenings are lighter from about the time they can ride a bike without stabilizers.

saffy85 · 22/03/2011 16:38

I'd be a bit concerned for sure. No one checked on her for a good long while after all. I'd be horrified if my DD ever walked into a stranger's house without asking me first- but then again I wouldn't want my DC approaching strangers at all unless with an adult they know already, like me or their dad, whether the stranger had DC of their own or not.

usualsuspect · 22/03/2011 16:42

Sounds like normal life to me ...maybe put a gate on your private drive so the local riff raff stay away

MadamDeathstare · 22/03/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 22/03/2011 16:43

I wouldn't like it, personally (overdeveloped sense of personal space) - but at the same time one of the things I liked about living on an estate was that the children played out in the cul de sac and were collectively loosely supervised because they were always in sight of someone's window, IYSWIM.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/03/2011 16:44

I think it's off that she didn't ask before coming in. Ds has to check with me and the other dc's parent before going into someone's house.

There are some who don't however.

zikes · 22/03/2011 16:49

Be firm: say to this girl that she isn't allowed in your house without asking and that she should get her parents' permission anyway beforehand.

But in a few years, you'll be glad that your children have the opportunity to play out with the neighbours' kids. It's great.

Original poster

Theantsgomarching · 22/03/2011 16:53

No-one mentioned riff-raff usualsuspect so I don't know what your problem is..I mentioned the drive way was private to explain that we weren't on a common green or whatever.

I have neighbours where I usually live but it is not common practise for them to come round if we don't know who they are!

I am not familiar with how these things work on estates so I asked on here. ( we are here cause our house flooded over Xmas)

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 22/03/2011 16:57

Oh, yes estate life! One of ds's friends was regularly let out alone on his trike aged 3. He would hang around, we didn't know where he lived and no-one would ever come to look for him. He drove dh mad one summer as he never went home.

taokiddy · 22/03/2011 16:59

Don't live on an estate but our road is like that. Gardens are at the front so kids just go from one garden to another and all the parents just keep an eye out for them. I think its lovely. They're really close a real little gang and they have so much fun. They get a sense of freedom, whilst learning a bit of responsibility eg. road safety, not talking to strangers, looking after littler ones etc. All ther kids seem to respect the different family rules and expectations too. Its how we grew up i suppose and I'm not one to follow my DCs around. I think kids should play with other kids how they want not have their parents watching their every move. We do lots of stuff just me and my DCs too :)

Original poster

Theantsgomarching · 22/03/2011 17:06

taokiddy I think that's lovely too. But I don't know these people at all, and they don't know me

OP posts:

taokiddy · 22/03/2011 17:14

I understand. The day we moved in (nearly a year ago) the little lad from 3 doors down appeared IN our house (door was open cos trying to air the place) introducing himself and asking my DS's if they wanted to play Star Wars, could he see their bedrooms, have some crisps etc! I went round and asked his mum if it was ok if he played round ours! I don't think we've had a day without him so far. Drives me mad sometimes but he feels like part of the family :) Took me a while to let mine go to his or other neighbours houses but its great now. None of them think twice about having my 4 while so i can nip to the shops on my own.

Hulababy · 22/03/2011 17:16

We live on a cul de sac and it is lovely that all the children are now old enough to go and play out together on our cul de sac. 8y DD loved it last summer and will no doubt be out again half the summer this yer too. It always goes quiet in the winter we notice.

However, we do have rules.

No going in other people's houses without (a) asking your own parent's permission and (b) making sure the house owners don't mind either. I generally refer them out of the house. I don't want loads of children inside my home tbh!

No wandering off the cul de sac without parent's permission.

If going in the back gardens, make sure your parents know where to find you.

No answering back to grown ups, no really loud noises, no balls being kicked at cars and homes, etc.

And the main one - go and play, have fun and come back when you're hungry! :)

I tend to check out of the window every so often, or in the summer I can hear them outside with the windoes open anyway. But I can't always see her as the cul de sac is L shaped.

The parnts of the littler children - up to about 5-7 years depending on who they are, are out with them anyway.

golemmings · 22/03/2011 18:24

We played out as kids but always asked our parents permission to go round other people's houses. back gardens were for private stuff or formal invitations the road was for anyone and everyone.

We've now moved to a culdesac and it would be if dcs can play out like that. The kids here do, but they're all just a bit older.

In fact when we first moved in I met one of her neighbours when her daughter (then about 7) came round and offered to help me weed the drive. I figured that as long as we stayed in line of sight from her parents it was probably OK. We'd been out there about 5 mins before her mum came out to make sure she wasn't being a nuisance.

Culdesac living is fab when people aren't so nosy and so gossipy that they all know your business! (imho)

abfab1973 · 22/03/2011 18:27

Schemies.

Abr1de · 22/03/2011 18:33

Mine have always played outside with their friends. Still do, now they're 12 and 14. We all come from different walks of life but they get on and I love to see it. Part of being in a community.

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