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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

this vituperation reserved for young parents

126 replies

MitchiestInge · 22/03/2011 10:25

for young mothers I suppose is what I mean, since people often only mention the father as a bit of an afterthought. Can someone explain why this special scorn is saved for young and unmarried women, particularly when plenty of us here have reproduced within really quite grim marriages?

OP posts:

TandB · 22/03/2011 16:20

Baby's development. The development of a baby.
Babies' development. The development of many babies.

TandB · 22/03/2011 16:22

Sorry. Hit post too soon. Meant to say that the course book was right!

detachandtrustyourself · 22/03/2011 16:26

Kung fu. Oh yes, that's it, thank you.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 16:27

a1b2 it's grammar, not grammer lol

There wasn't any special courses it my day or I was too old for them, I just went to the regular class with about 50 other Mums. I must admit I only went to 1 or 2 because I didn't like them, I thought they were very preachy

ScramVonChubby · 22/03/2011 16:33

NAgoo isn't that a bit simplistic?

I mean, I didn;t have mine until mid twenties onwards but I DID study later on with chidlren and it's not an easy option; also I know friends who had babies verye arly for reasons noje of us would ever choose- a young girl who'd been abused by her dad for nigh on a decade, ran straight out and got ehrself PG; ended up having all her kids removed (she loved them but her MH wasn;t solid sadly).

And another lass I know who took the decision becuase her fertility was already failing in her teens, she managed to fit in 4 (including a stillborn child) and is quite possibly the most amazing mother I ever met.

Oh certainly many cases are far simpler but I think there are enough exceptions to make me think that there's often a bit more to it than 'got drunk, got shagged, got pregnant'.

Besides it's not long ago it as the norm; Mum was PG at 17 (lost baby but was) and has been married to dad now for 43 years and they've never been on benefits (they do have a council house but in seventies where we grew up everyone did, and theyc an't move on for reasons that really aren't in their control- victims of a pensions collapse).

I'm not anti judging absed on aprenting but can't see that age causes a given standard.

detachandtrustyourself · 22/03/2011 16:38

mmsmum, oh yes, I was wondering about that spelling lol! I think it's "there weren't any courses" by the way. (was, singular, were, plural (courses)).

barmbrack · 22/03/2011 16:54

I love that this has degenerated into a spelling, punctuation and grammar thread.

minipie · 22/03/2011 16:56

In many ways I agree with barmbrack.

However, I don't judge the parents who have children they can't support without state help.

I judge the welfare system that allows (some would say encourages) this to happen.

I'd rather change the system so that direct benefits are not linked to having children. The money saved could be ploughed into indirect benefits - eg better education and social support.

Yes, I know I'm likely to get flamed for this.

LaWeasel · 22/03/2011 16:56

I know, was having a little giggle myself.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/03/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/03/2011 16:59

And sadly with funding for Sure Start going I can't see the YEP course carrying on. Which I think is a shame, I think its a very beneficial course.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 17:22

a1b2 you are right, it is weren't, not wasn't

Now that I'm watching my grammar and spelling I'm sure there will be many mistakes lol

I am surprised that there is a course teaching your mums how to claim benefits. I would much rather it was a course about childcare options, right and responsibilities as an employee etc I would like that even at my age

alemci · 22/03/2011 17:35

I agree with what you say Minipie. especially if after one the mum has a baby with someone else and is still reliant on state help.

I think our benefit system encourages this

VivaLeBeaver · 22/03/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/03/2011 18:49

I think its because the majority of young mums are unlikely to have been in a long term stable relationship, havent financially prepared themselves to become a parent and are more than likely reliant on the state to pay for their lifestyle choices. Many wont finish their education or be working.

Ensuring that any child is born into a stable loving relationship and having the means to provide for it are very important parts of being a good parent.

We actively encourage people to have children that they cannot support as the benefits system is too generous and its also a lifestyle choice for many not a safety net used short term. Stats show that children who grow up on benefits often go on to claim themselves as they have not had a working role model etc.

LaWeasel · 22/03/2011 19:07

What stats?

Show me.

At any rate none of the reasons suggested have explained why it is acceptable to sneer at any young parent in the street when you have no idea how old they actually are, their life circumstance, how they ended up pregnant and whether they (of the father) are supporting themselves or not.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 19:13

Happy really? I had no idea people made assumptions like that but it's nice to know what goes on in people's minds! Have ever thought about taking the time to get to know someone before simply judging them on age and parenthood?

Also, I get how people think that someones finances are their business if they think they are supporting them. But what the hell has my relationship status and education got to do with anyone?

You'd really look at me and make your mind up straight away that I wasn't in a relationship, I wasn't educated, never worked, choose benefits as a career, and can't be a good parent, and that my child won't ever work? wow

BertieBotts · 22/03/2011 19:18

I don't think it was an assumption, mmsmum, but a generalisation. I'm the first to admit that I wasn't mature enough to realise that XP was not a good person to have children with, I really thought we'd be together forever and everything would be wonderful.

CrapBag · 22/03/2011 19:22

Personally I am more negative towards teenage parents because I am the result of a teen pregnancy.

I had a shit life with my 'mother' before she fucked off and left me one day. My dad has always been around though.

Now my cousin and his ex are teenage parents and I feel so sorry for their DS. He is having a pretty crap time of it and I can only see it getting worse as the novelty has clearly worn off now.

I know people are different etc but my views are swayed by my very negative experience and that isn't going to change, no matter how many good teen parents there may be.

LaWeasel · 22/03/2011 19:27

I'm sorry to hear that CrapBag. I know everyone has their own triggers for stuff they judge, my mum was 29 and a married professional when she had me and she was a really difficult. Crap at parenting, abusive, and also fucked off for extended periods! Although she came back, which I have never appreciated TBH.

And when it's personal experiences I'm more forgiving of people being judgemental, but when it's just, oh teenage parents generally don't work, and generally aren't good at...

It says nothing about the individual.

It's like saying generally black people are lazy and expecting every black person you meet to be lazy and I don't understand why so many people don't bother to question this judgement and try and find out about the actual individual.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 19:35

Well I can assure you there is no need to feel sorry for my DD

I knew my boyfriend would fuck off eventually and gave him the option early on, I didn't plan my pregnancy but there was never any question about not having and keeping my baby, so i guess I made the decision then to go it alone even though I was willing to continue with the relationship and give it a try

I wish people would look at me for me, and not try to generalise or assume things

Nagoo · 22/03/2011 20:21

mmsmum people will look and judge and make assumptions about anybody.

hairylights · 22/03/2011 20:36

Women can't win. Too young, too old, too professional, too unemployed, too selfish, too selfless.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 20:37

Nagoo that's no help lol

Nagoo · 22/03/2011 20:40

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