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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling really annoyed at DH for going off skiing for a week with mate while I'm at home, pregnant, looking after the kids

77 replies

mojoawol · 21/03/2011 17:19

Is this normal married behaviour? Not been married long, and if it wasn't for the fact that I'm pregnant, we would all be on holiday together, but because of pregnancy, clearly I can't ski so DH has decided that its ok for him to have his ski holiday whatever. AIBU to feel bitter and resentful??

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 21/03/2011 17:20

My DH did this when I was pregnant. Didn't bother me. No point him missing out as well. I guess it depends if you're feeling poorly, how many kids, etc to look after.

curlymama · 21/03/2011 17:21

YANBU to feel bitter and resentful. YWBU to show it or try to stop him from going.

onlion · 21/03/2011 17:22

as long as he doesnt come home with death slippers and a cookbook like mine did

jaffacake79 · 21/03/2011 17:23

YANBU to feel a bit annoyed that you can't go, but this is the perfect time to "bank" his holiday and declare that post baby you will have a little holiday of your own with your friends Grin

dollius · 21/03/2011 17:24

Why can't he take the kids skiing with him?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/03/2011 17:24

I guess it's OK to be a bit resentful but as curlymama says don't show it.

Are you heavily pregnant and can't fly? Is that why you can't go. Coz if you can fly you could still go maybe check with your midwife

headfairy · 21/03/2011 17:24

Sorry you're feeling fed up, I don't think YABU to feel bitter and resentful. How far along are you? I went skiing when I was 20 weeks pg and had a lovely time. I didn't bomb around, mostly only skiied three or four hours a day, the rest spent drinking hot chocolates and sunning myself in a cafe. Can you book yourself a spa weekend (that he pays for) for when he gets back?

VivaLeBeaver · 21/03/2011 17:25

Yes there was some bloke in our chalet this year there on his own with 3 kids. One a baby, one a toddler and the other about 5. Hats off to him. Dunno where his wife was.

upahill · 21/03/2011 17:25

Sometimes seperate holidays are necessary depending on the type of holiday, circumstance and other factors.

How far pregnant are you. Could you still gone on holiday and done other things/

If you didn't want to have a skiing holiday later on once you are all sorted with the baby.

That's how we worked it.

Original poster
mojoawol · 21/03/2011 17:27

Have bitten my tongue (and obviously not prevented him going), did suggest he take the kids, but that obviously wasn't his plan. Have already told him that he will be doing all the babysitting for the next 13 years. Just feeling bit pouty and left out, and tbh, bloody jealous!

OP posts:
diddl · 21/03/2011 17:29

Don´t know about normal or not but it sounds selfish to me.

If I couldn´t have gone my husband would rather have changed it to a holiday that we could have gone on together.

15yrs of marriage later, maybe not so muchGrin

maddy68 · 21/03/2011 17:30

It wouldn't bother me and to be fair its not as if you could really go with him and its only a week.
Think your hormones might be colouring your judgment x

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 17:34

Was the holiday planned before your pregnancy ?

that would be the crux for me

if knowingly planned since and clear that he would be going for a lad's holiday, why the hell didn't you say something at the time ?

it's no good feeling resentful now, stand up for yourself when these things are at the planning stage, fgs

Original poster
mojoawol · 21/03/2011 17:37

Diddl - selfish is exactly the word that I'm trying not to scream at him every time he texts saying what a fab time he's having!
But am also trying to be calm, not bitter and terribly cool about the whole thing. I'd still quite like it if there was a freak heatwave that melted all the snow in the alps overnight!

OP posts:
defineme · 21/03/2011 17:38

It entirely depends on what kind of equality you have within your relationship.

Dh is going away for 5 days at Easter. As a result of this I'm going to London this weekend and went to Manchester last half term. We also have hoildays with kids too. We never begrudge each other because we know it's fair.

I don't htink it's reasonable at all if you never go away. Sk ing is not a right! As you're pregnant I would put a note at the bottom of your calendar for an appropriate date(eg a date when you'll have sorted out expressing/feel like going away for sa night/spa day) and make sure you go away to do something fab.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 17:39

it's always a mistake to pretend to be "cool" about something you are quite obviously not cool about

that is why you find yourself pg and childminding while he has a whale of a time

think about it

BluddyMoFo · 21/03/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catinthehat2 · 21/03/2011 17:48

what PeterAndre said @ 17.34

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 17:55

cat, what about @ 17:39 ?

was that no good ? Wink

Original poster
mojoawol · 21/03/2011 17:55

The plan up until discovering pg was always to go skiing as family - then when realised pg, thought it unwise to go (didn't realise it was safe - am 22wks now, would it really be a good idea?), so dh decided to go with mate instead. Have expressed disappointment and think he's aware that am insanely jealous, but also didn't want to prevent him going or necessarily make him feel bad - as long as I get some fab gifts/time off/lifelong pampering etc

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 17:57

gifts ?

no, no

gifts are not a payback

only a proper girls holiday for you is enough payback, seriously

and "lifelog pampering" ? yeah, for a day or two is about as long as that is likely to last Wink

catinthehat2 · 21/03/2011 18:01

I'm not keeping up am I?
I concur with 17.39 as well.
I think for the purposes of this thread you can take it I will be in general agreement with what you are saying

Original poster
mojoawol · 21/03/2011 18:03

Agree with the girls holiday, that will have to wait a while tho (want to be able to neck shots and misbehave terribly), so will accept gifts and pampering in the meantime ....

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 18:03
Grin

what about other threads ?

will you not think of them ?

YellowDinosaur · 21/03/2011 18:04

Its unreasonable of him if you are really ill while pg. Otherwise I'm with everyone else who says theres no reason why you can't have separate holidays and this just means you have a childfree holiday in the bank for later when you need it.

Can't say YANBU anyway as I am off to New Zealand to visit my sister on Saturday while dh looks after the boys on his own! It was actually his idea. He is planning a holiday next year that he knows I wouldn't be up for so it all works out.

I personally think its really important to support each other to do things even though you are married. That said I would have struggled in your situation more because I would be insanely jealous that I couldn't ski too which I love. Too late now but I skiied when pg too - 14-16 weeks so not as far as you - and I know others who skiied till about 30 weeks. There is no reason why you can't as long as you take it easy and are not doing a load more excercise than you would have pre-pg.