Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be silently fuming with mil?

57 replies

Theonlyexception · 21/03/2011 15:19

She is staying with us this week,until Friday. We live overseas. She has absolutely no qualms about trying to discipline my ds, telling him off etc, which is annoying as I am the parent. But what makes me so angry is that she has been saying to him that he is naughty. Whenever he does something wrong she'll go 'no, your naughty!' and I just feel like going up to her and shouting in her face 'no, he's not naughty! The behaviour is, but he isn't!' It is driving me mad. We have her until Friday...(give me strength!)

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/03/2011 15:21

What is wrong with your husbands mother telling off his child, if that child is being naughty?

feeblephoebe · 21/03/2011 15:22

no, he's not naughty! The behaviour is, but he isn't!'

you what?

you been reading those psychobabble books again?

Megatron · 21/03/2011 15:23

If you don't like the words she uses, tell her. And tell her how you choose to discipline your child. Assuming you do actually discipline your child that is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 15:23

It's an extrapolation of 'he's being naughty'. I think it's quite tame really and not something that I'd get worked up about but it's obviously annoying you. What is he doing that's naughty? If it's something specific, can you correct her when she says it so that your son get the right message?

I used to get told I was naughty when I was being naughty... it didn't do any harm and I doubt your DS will remember it.

Your MIL is obviously from a generation where it was quite common to call a child a naughty boy/girl, rather than call the behaviour. Do you think it's worth having a tactful word with her rather than seething in silence?

Original poster

Theonlyexception · 21/03/2011 15:24

I just can't stand the way she gets in his face and calls him naughty! And surely if I'm in the room, I should decide whether he is misbehaving or not rather than her.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/03/2011 15:25

What is all this crap about "its the behaviour not the child"???? the child is responsible for his/her behaviour, so therefore if the behaviour is naughty, then the child is being naughty.

saffy85 · 21/03/2011 15:26

YABU in the nicest possible way. If this the worst your MIL does WRT to telling off your DS you've done quite well really.

That said, I don't like other people telling off my DD when me or her dad are right there. But as for the "you're naughty!" comments does it really matter that much that you want to shout in her face over it? Can't you just keep correcting her over and over then there when she says it? Might annoy her enough to instead say "that is very naughty" (which lets face it, makes more sense really than "you're naughty").

Original poster

Theonlyexception · 21/03/2011 15:27

The thing is, ds is only two, and the behaviour is usually stuff that I wouldn't get worked up about. Turning lights on and off,pressing the buttons on the sky box. He's a typical little boy, into everything, not a 'naughty boy' iyswim.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 15:27

Agree Squeakytoy... it's how we were told as children and I don't see any issue with it myself.

OP... She's his grandmother and if your son is being naughty then she does have the right to say something. It takes a village to bring up a child, and all that...

Mother-goggles can be a bit blinkering sometimes.

cat64 · 21/03/2011 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

niccibabe · 21/03/2011 15:29

I don't mind close relatives telling my child to stop doing something - especially when they are babysitting However, I did gently say to FIL that DC isn't a naughty child - but is a child who does naughty things sometimes. I explained that I don't want DC to adopt the label 'naughty child' because then DC will do everything possible to live up to the label. FIL immediately understood and while he does still use the word naughty - he tends to say 'that's a naughty thing to do'

If you or DH can find a way of gently saying to MIL that your DC may behave (a bit?) better when handled this way, it might be less stressful all round.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/03/2011 15:30

theonlyexception... Yes but how is he to learn to stop doing that unless he's told. If he keeps doing it then he needs to be stopped. He's a typical child that does things unless he learns differently.

Nelly123 · 21/03/2011 15:30

In your home they should do what you want. I agree the behaviour is naughty. Could you have a chat with her about how you feel regarding how you articulate with your child? Maybe go for lunch or even better getter her own child to talk to her? My parents are of the opinion that you should say no to a child once a day as a matter of principle . Nowt as strange as folk -in this case my folks. Good luck

WannabeNigella · 21/03/2011 15:31

Yanbu OP. I never say my child is naughty, I always say that particular type of behaviour is naughty. In my opinion its like the old saying that if you tell someone something often enough they believe it and therefore it is important to say they are behaving naughtily not they are naughty.

My parents would never say such a thing to my ds and if they did I would promptly put them straight about not saying such things to him.

And before most of you jump on me about the whole "naughty" thing. I have no problem with you doing it your way, I just choose to do this my way, and agree with op.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 21/03/2011 15:31

Calling him a typical boy is just as bad as calling him naughty

niccibabe · 21/03/2011 15:32

Sorry OP - missed your post saying he's just into everything...

TubbyDuffs · 21/03/2011 15:32

Just get in there first and deal with him how you want to, as I would get annoyed if a child (and I do have 3 of my own) was switching lights on and off and piddling about with the telly.

She's with you for a week, surely you can bite your tongue for that long.

If you can't, however, you could always explain how you want him disciplined and ask her to say "that's naughty" rather than "you're naughty" if that would help.

glasnost · 21/03/2011 15:35

YANBU but you haveto tell her and not seethe silently.

wannaBe · 21/03/2011 15:41

why in god's name do we need all the "the child isn't, the behavior is" psychobabble. IMO we are so obsessed with getting the wording right that we seem to lose sight of the actual issue..

curlymama · 21/03/2011 15:44

YANBU, I agree with you completely. I wouldn't want someone labelling my child like that either. Children do live up to what they are told they are. It's not rocket science to know that a child who is continually told that they are clever will grow up with more confidence than a child who is continually told they are stupid. This is a simelar thing, and you should put a stop to it. I wouldn't correct her infornt of ds, that will just confuse him and give him mixed messages, when children need to feel that the people that care for them all think pretty much the same thing about them.

Tell MIL that you don't like how she speaks to ds. Blame it on a book you read or something.

NoWayNoHow · 21/03/2011 15:49

I agree with you about the "naughty" thing, but only to the extent that I watch the way I say it. However, unless you're going to hand out instruction manuals with your DS when he is looked after by others, you're just going to have to accept the generational differences. So, in that respect, YABU.

However I take far more issue with you MIL disciplining your child while you're actually in the room with them. This is one of my biggest bug bears - I have friends who do it, they are so quick to tell of my DS that I can barely get a word in edgeways, and when I do, they literally talk over me!!

I think it's unbelievably rude, and I also think it sends very mixed messages - I think it undermines you as a parent. By all means, if I'm not there, feel free to handle a situation, but don't take over the raising of my child right in front of me. Bloody cheek.

By all means, if I'm not

sims2fan · 21/03/2011 16:38

I personally disagree with other family members disciplining a child if a parent is present. I think it's the parent's job, and unless they tell family members that they want help they should be able to do it how they see fit. My SIL once smacked our nephew (her nephew and mine) when he was a year old, and I told my husband (her brother) that if she ever did that to a child of mine I would be having words with her. Another relative by marriage I have heard say "if he (child aged 3) misbehaves around me I'll smack him. I'm not his mother, I don't disagree with smacking kids." No, but his mother does so you should bloody well abide by her discipline rules! So I understand it must be frustrating. I tell my husband not to get involved with disciplining our nephew when his mother is present. Quite often she lets him do things we never would, but that's up to her, and not up to us to interfere.

I have to disagree on the things you let your child do though. I have found that a lot of people make the mistake of letting little toddlers get away with things because it's 'cute.' Then the child gets older, still does the naughty things because he or she has never been taught not to, and it's no longer cute but very annoying. My brother thought his son was so clever when he began to open windows at about 18 months, that they laughed when he did it. Aged 4 all windows and doors had to be locked when they took him to visit people and the keys hidden, otherwise he would run/climb out and run away. When I went into teaching a wise teacher friend told me, "be strict about the little things and the big things won't happen." I think there's a lot of truth in that.

EssexGurl · 21/03/2011 18:05

DD is 22 months. She said yesterday "naughty [brothers name]". We laughed and she said it again. DS was being a right moody so and so and deserved to be told off. Was that wrong?

fedupofnamechanging · 21/03/2011 18:20

Yanbu. I dislike the idea of labelling a child as naughty. I think it's natural for 2 year olds to push boundaries and as the mother, it is your job to set and enforce them.

I think that if your MIL regularly looked after your child, then it would be more natural to see her correcting his behaviour, but as she is visiting from abroad and not there all the time, it would be much better for discipline to come from you.

I also think it undermines the parent and is rude to correct peoples children when the parent is actually there.

PoisoningPigeonsInThePark · 21/03/2011 18:43

I'd be less worried about the language - more about the undermining of you as a parents ie you decide what is or is not acceptable behaviour and how to deal with it. Surely all you need to say is -

I'll deal with this thank you - in a haughty voice and/or withering accompanying look being optional.

Or smile - we don't talk like that in This/My house.

Please do say that - he is allowed to do that.

That not an issue - please do not tell him off. Possible followed by - I've said that is not an issue with stern glance.

I'd appreciate it if you do did not do that (to MIL) with accompanying warm smile and change of subject.

That is not helpful - to MIL come along DC name and move to another room.

If you sit fuming only person who will be upset and hurt is you. Is is very possible your MIL is just trying to be helpful - or she could be deliberately trying to undermine you - I've had both type of behaviour from my family.

Flip

1 2 3