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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be silently fuming with mil?

57 replies

Theonlyexception · 21/03/2011 15:19

She is staying with us this week,until Friday. We live overseas. She has absolutely no qualms about trying to discipline my ds, telling him off etc, which is annoying as I am the parent. But what makes me so angry is that she has been saying to him that he is naughty. Whenever he does something wrong she'll go 'no, your naughty!' and I just feel like going up to her and shouting in her face 'no, he's not naughty! The behaviour is, but he isn't!' It is driving me mad. We have her until Friday...(give me strength!)

OP posts:
SolpadeineMaxed · 21/03/2011 19:03

'no, he's not naughty! The behaviour is, but he isn't!'

Eh?? Am I missing something? Are they separate?

If his behaviour is naughty then he is naughty, surely.

pinkthechaffinch · 21/03/2011 19:15

In our house, naughty is used relatively affectionately- but the dcs are sometimes called bad children by myself.

I'm aware of your thinking OP, and tbh I would take issue if a teacher, for example, called my child naughty or lazy

but tis different when its family.

holyShmoley · 21/03/2011 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northeastgirl · 21/03/2011 19:20

I agree with "That was naughty" rather than "you were naughty". It's a fine distinction, but an important one. I don't think it's psychobabble.

Agree the bigger issue is her telling him off, but she may think she's being helpful and supportive so you're not always the bad guy? Perhaps I give everyone too much benefit of the doubt

CrapBag · 21/03/2011 19:21

YANBU.

I don't like other people telling DS off when we are there, it pisses me off. I am the parent, it is down to me to decide what he is allowed to do and no one else. My ILs don't come here that often but when they do, they don't even have to set foot inside the door before they start telling DS off, it pisses me right off and I am strict with him.

I also don't like calling a child naughty, I tell DS is he being naughty. My nan started saying to DS that he was nasty and then he started saying to me "I'm nasty mummy" It was horrible. Self fulfilling prophecy, if a child is told they are naughty all the time, they will behave that way more.

I would politely but firmly tell your MIL that you prefer to tell your child off for the things that bother you and you are quite happy for him to do xxx and whatever it is she is telling him off for.
Also tell her that you do not like her calling him naughty.

"I also think it undermines the parent and is rude to correct peoples children when the parent is actually there." So do I.

altinkum · 21/03/2011 19:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolpadeineMaxed · 21/03/2011 19:50

I understand what you're saying, altinkum...but not all children who are badly behaved experience the situations you are describing.

altinkum · 21/03/2011 19:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannabeNigella · 21/03/2011 19:59

Altinkum you are so right! I agree 100%.

specialknickers · 21/03/2011 20:26

YANBU - OP, it's your house, your rules apply. My DC is only 15 months and we live abroad too so don't have the inlaws with us very often. When we do there's an obvious difference between what they think is acceptable behavior and what I do... I'm actually quite lax about things like playing with buttons and whatnot. I think it's fine, so never tell him he can't fiddle with teh telly (he tends to wander over, press a button, checks it's the same as it was yesterday then leaves well alone. It's his thing, fine by me). The inlaws though... oh dear, touching the telly is like touching God Almighty himself. I tend to just leave them to it. They dash over and admonish him and what for? No idea. It's their thing. The way I look at it, DS thinks they're a bit nuts and then they go home. No harm done, I just smile indulgently and let them get on with it.

Agree totally about the naughty thing by the way. Might be worth having a word about that one? You don't want your boy to think he's naughty. As I say, your house, your rules. Good luck!

Cat98 · 21/03/2011 20:46

Yanbu, I'd ask your H to have a quiet word with her (assuming he is on board.. if not you need to have the whole discussion with him!)

PoisoningPigeonsInThePark · 21/03/2011 20:47

I have the same specialknickers the DC seem able to grasp different rules different places it the grandparents who struggle.

IL its touching the computer - fine at their house DC are told to obey that rule by everyone - at our house DC are allowed nay positively encourage to use computer.

My parents its pencils - apparently DC are not allowed to have pencils Hmm as they could take an eye out with them Confused.

In our case we have got the grandparents to follow our rules in our house- eventually.

skybluepearl · 21/03/2011 20:55

i agree she should be saying the behaviours naughty - not the boy. don't want him labeling hismelf as bad. she would be better off with a less negative approach.

Dozer · 21/03/2011 21:13

YANBU, bad to label.

mueslimuncher · 22/03/2011 01:16

YANBU. My mil has done exactly the same with my ds. It has only happened the once (they live 4 hours away, so don't see them often), but I shall say something if it happens again (which I imagine it will). My son was just over 12 months old and was sat on her lap, whilst she tried to feed him some strawberries. He didn't want to be fed, and started squirming and so she tried to keep him there and called him a "naughty little boy." I think she is a twat. What's naughty about not wanting a strawberry shoved in your mouth by someone you've only met a handful of times?

I've seen the way she talks to her other grandkids (her daughter's boys) and I hate it. I get the feeling there will be some issues ahead.

Bubbaluv · 22/03/2011 01:31

It's a week - she won't scar him for life. If it was your DH who was saying it then it might be worth making something out of it, but a week with granny - neh. Just make yourself a cup of tea and relax. If necessary you could join in and say it slightly differently. Your MIL won't notice the slight change in your phrasing and will probably be happy you are backing her up.
It's just semantics so YABU.

aurynne · 22/03/2011 04:13

So, according with this nonsense theory, I understand that:

A child who is laughing and enjoying life shouldn't be called a happy child, it is only his/her behaviour which is happy.

A child who learns things fast and understands things in a split second is not, by any means, a smart child. He/she is only showing a smart behaviour.

You will get huffy if your child has the flu and someone dares to say that you have a sick child. The sickness is obviously completely outside of your child. You have "a child who expresses a particular sickness behaviour temporarily".

How about we forbid the use of any sort of epithets in case they label or traumatize the person who exhibits them?

I think I have taken as much bullshit as I can today...

fedupofnamechanging · 22/03/2011 08:55

The way I view it is if you were given 100 compliments and one criticism, it is the criticism that would stick in your mind, therefore it is important not to teach your children that they are the negative behaviour.

Labelling children as 'naughty' gives them no incentive to change the behaviour, because they think they are having to alter their whole personality. That is demoralising to a child, who cannot appreciate that really it is what they are doing and not who they are, which is being criticised.

But all that is by the by. The mother is unhappy with the way her MIl is speaking to her child. That is a good enough reason to say something, because we all have the right to raise our DC as we see fit, not how our families thing they should be raised.

brass · 22/03/2011 10:49

well put aurynne!

altinkum · 22/03/2011 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbaluv · 22/03/2011 21:49

My 3.5yo is sensitive enough to understand the difference (and I don't make a fuss about it). If I say he is a naughty boy he looks so hurt and says "No I'm a nice boy. I just cant be good ALL the time." (Or words to that effect).
If I say that was a naughty thing to do, he is much better at understanding why he's in trouble.
He's pretty highly strung though, to be fair.

exoticfruits · 22/03/2011 21:58

If his behaviour is naughty then he is naughty, surely.

They are two different things and YANBU, but I don't think it is really important, she is only there a short time and DCs are very adaptable and can cope.

poochela · 22/03/2011 22:22

I'm with aurynne and brass. And I'll also stick my neck out and say that I think that your MIL is trying to tell you that you're letting him get away with too much and storing trouble for later by letting him tit about with the sky box and light switches etc.

Your getting carried away with the word naughty and missing the bigger picture that you're kid may be acting erm......naughty?

Northeastgirl · 22/03/2011 22:27

aurynne - to complicate it further - a teacher suggested to me that when they do something good, you compliment the child eg "you're so good", but when they do something bad, you comment on the behaviour eg "that was lazy". At first I thought this was nonsense, but actually I do agree with it.

If I say "you're so good", then this is a nice message to hear so no problem that it's a strong message.

If I say "that was good", it's still a compliment but has less power

If I say "you're lazy" then the other person will be defensive and angry and may (in time) think of themselves as lazy.

If I say "that was lazy" then the other person may be more receptive to what I've said as it wasn't a personal attack.

In response to this, if you tell me that I'm stupid, it'll cause offence, whereas if you tell me my comments are stupid, then I'll be happy to respect the fact that we have differing views!

pigletmania · 22/03/2011 22:31

YABU of course your MIL has the right to discipline within reason her grandson if she sees he is being naughty. And yes a child can be naughty, he is the instigator of the naughty behaviour so he is naughty and needs to be corrected, how is he going to learn Hmm

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