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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate being told how thin I am?

55 replies

blue2711 · 21/03/2011 11:30

It happens all the time and it's getting to me. I am really tiny but it's just the way I am. I'm only 5ft 1 so I'm pretty in proportion. I've always been very slim but I know since I had DS, who's 18 months, I'm even smaller than ever. My DH and close friends tell me I look lovely but acquaintances - particularly if they've not seen me for a while - often exclaim about how thin I am and I feel awful, really self-conscious and insulted. One woman the other day said 'Just look at your thin face!'

Surely this is just downright rude? I would never ever comment on how fat someone has got. What should I do or say to show people that they are hurting my feelings? Usually I just try not to react and change the subject but then their comments replay in my mind afterwards and make me feel dreadful.

Am I being over-sensitive? And does it really look that dreadful to be really slim? The media seems to be full of praise for 'real women' who have curves, but just because I haven't really got any I'm still a real woman! Anyone feel the same way?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 11:32

YANBU to be offended at personal remarks but is there any merit in what they are saying? 'Naturally thin' is one thing but 'chronically underweight' can be dangerous. Do you eat adequately? Have you lost more than 14lbs in the last 6 months? Are you in good health physically with regular menstrual cycles... or are you falling prey to viruses?

It is OK to tell people. 'That hurts my feelings and I'd prefer it if you didn't make personal comments'. But do think if there is any basis for their concern.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 21/03/2011 11:33

DD was told she looked frail the other day. I was furious because it was the school nurse.
OP, do you think the commenters may be jealous? I am the build of Robbie Coltrane so I don't know where DD gets her frailty from.

GeekCool · 21/03/2011 11:35

I've been told I'm 'too thin' by others, when at my own personal happy size. Which is a size 10. I'm 5 feet 7 and a size 10 for me is 10-10.5 stone, so not exactly light.

I agree that it can be rude to say things like that to someone, I think some people will see it as socially acceptable though.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/03/2011 11:36

My BIL said I looked too thin at the weeekend - I haven't seen him for about 2 months. I have lost about a stone recently but certainly don't think I am too thin - feel great, actually.

He told DP 'I prefer her with a bit more meat on her Hmm'

I was pissed off because he said to dd 'your mother is looking too thin, she looks like she has got anorexia' which made DD worry, and she asked me if I had an eating disorder. I was eating a great big plate of nachos at the time.

Claz1001 · 21/03/2011 11:37

YANBU. It is indeed rude! I've had the same problem for most of my life, although since having my dc2 I'm a bit bigger but still slim. As a teenager and throughout my 20s I used to desperately try to put weight on by eating myself silly but it never worked. Some people are just naturally slim. I know see it as a great thing, being able to eat what I like, but when you struggle to put on weight yet lose it really easily (and unintentionally) it can be just as tough as the other way around. As it seems to be quite rare most people don't understand it, I guess.

Claz1001 · 21/03/2011 11:39

now, not know!

MitchiestInge · 21/03/2011 11:40

people (friends I mean) never say 'you're piling on the pounds, steady on, don't want to end up obese/diabetic whatever' but they feel much more comfortable commenting on weight loss, even though it is surely worse for your health to be a bit over rather than under weight?

LostInTransmogrification · 21/03/2011 11:42

People don't seem to think that commenting on you being thin is offensive, but they would think twice about commenting if you'd put on weight. Part of it might be surprise as we are expected to struggle to lose weight after pregnancy, part of it might be a tiny bit of jealousy. Either way, your weight has nothing to do with how much of a 'real woman' you are! I lost weight when I split up with my ex and a colleague called me 'scrawny' although I was still 9 1/2 stone (don't ask what I am now!) if someone comments using that sort of word just smile and say " I prefer the word 'slender' myself"

mrsravelstein · 21/03/2011 11:43

a couple of years ago at a party, a random woman i'd never met before that night told me "you're very nice, for a thin person". suspect she'd have been appalled if i'd replied, "and you're very nice too, for a fat person"

Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 11:44

"it is surely worse for your health to be a bit over rather than under weight?"

Actually, it isn't. Being slightly overweight, ironically, means you are likely to be healthy and more resilient. Being clinically underweight - BMI below 18.5 - can be quite dangerous by contrast, because if you lose a few pounds due to illness you have no reserves. There is a difference between 'naturally thin' and 'chronically underweight', as I mentioned earlier but if people are actually shocked enough at the OP's new appearance to mention it, it could be that she has slipped from one to the other.

JenniL1977 · 21/03/2011 11:44

I get told this all the time, OP. I'm 5'6" and 8st9 - a healthy size 8-10. It's just the way I am - I eat like a horse and I've never put on a pound. We're just lucky, think of it that way. Although I envy my friends' boobs and hips!
I've been accused in the past of being anorexic! To which they got told to piss off, I eat three times what they do.
Take joy in eating chips when everyone else is avoiding carbs like the plague :)
What's annoying me now is that I'm 19wks pg, is everyone saying that I look like a python (I've got a nice neat little bump, and I'm not putting on weight elsewhere) and that I shouldn't be scared of putting weight on - I'm really not - and that the baby will be underweight if I am (I'm not underweight, I always thought putting on too much weight was a bad thing when you're pg, and the baby's measuring 22wks already - huge babies in my family!)
Chin up. Tell them to get stuffed. As long as you feel you're healthy, you are. They're just jealous.

PureBloodMuggle · 21/03/2011 11:45

Yes it's rude, it's not nice to your appearance commented on in a negative way at all, especially if it's something that you don't have control over

but ask anyone who isn't thin and they think the media is full on against 'larger women' that is anyone over a giantly massive size 12 Confused

Saying that it's difficult for many people to see people who are very tiny to see it as something that happens out of their control as it's a very unusualy thing to occur

pinkytheshrinky · 21/03/2011 11:45

Blue - have you had your thyroid checked? \just a thought as my slim friend had this happen and it was noticeable for people to comment - turns out her thyroid was buggered....

But yes it is rude - people think it is ok to comment on thinness but wouldn't dream of telling someone they had put on weight

MitchiestInge · 21/03/2011 11:48

I might have been thinking of horses and dogs when I assumed it was healthier to be a bit leaner rather than sport extra podge (mild despair at own podge).

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 11:49

YANBU - I don't understand (as others have said) why it's generally seen as rude to comment on somebody being overweight, but if you're underweight it's fine to be called 'skinny' etc (it's not!)

happiestblonde · 21/03/2011 11:54

My Dad says I;m too thin. I'm 5"4 and 8 stone so a size 6-8 through regular exercise but I eat a lot to make up for that.

I HATE the 'real women' things, it's horrible, I don't think that becasue I'm under at size 12 I don't count as real.

HappyAsIAm · 21/03/2011 11:54

I have recently lost a stone in weight, which has brought me down to a size 10-12 (I used to be a good size 12), so I'm hardly skinny. An acquaintance told me last week that I was looking 'like a lollipop'.

My BMI is about 23. I would imagine her BMI to eb about 33. Of course, I had more manners than to point this out to her.

megapixels · 21/03/2011 11:57

YANBU. It is only after having two children that I've filled out a little and don't look super skinny. In my teenage years I used to really hate how thin I was because of the comments but there was nothing I could do about it. I was eating as much as I could but stayed thin. When I got to my early twenties I realised that much of the comments is down to jealousy from fatsos so embraced it!

Overcooked · 21/03/2011 11:57

I think there is a difference in commenting on someone's weight in a positive way versus a negative way. I.e. if someone had told OP 'I'd kill to have a waist that small', this is very different to the eating disorder comments.

However, I do agree that if a lot of people are commenting then you may need to make sure that you are feeling healthy and that you are within an acceptable weight range. It is not healthy to be tto thin - and it apparently does age you!

Original poster
blue2711 · 21/03/2011 11:58

Thanks for all your comments. You're saying all the things I try and tell myself and you're right, I am lucky that I can get whatever I want.

I don't really know if I'm underweight though... I really am tiny but I really do eat and I don't exercise other than running around after DS. And I do have periods - and conceived DS very easily when pretty much this thin! (In fact one friend said to me how surprised she was that I could get pregnant being so thin! Rude!)

Not sure about BMI - I'm 5ft 1 and around 7 stone. I would actually like to put on half a stone but have no idea how, I eat whenever and whatever I like already.

Like the suggestions about responding to the comments. Sometimes I feel like saying 'Oh, and look at your huge stomach!' but would never actually dare!

OP posts:
MitchiestInge · 21/03/2011 11:59

people shouldn't impose their weird distorted perceptions of body size and shape on others, somehow it's not ok to talk about needing/wanting to lose weight unless you are actually morbidly obese even if you could perfectly safely lose a couple of stone

Original poster
blue2711 · 21/03/2011 12:00

I mean 'eat' whatever I want, not 'get'! Now that would be nice...

OP posts:
Original poster
blue2711 · 21/03/2011 12:03

Oh, and I should add that I do feel pretty robust and healthy. I never really get ill and only feel as tired as constant activity with DS makes normal!

Might ask my GP about thyroid though.

And you're right about ageing, overcooked. Am sure my wrinkles would look better if I had a bit more fat on my face! Oh well.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 12:04

Your BMI is 18.5 which is borderline for clinically underweight and well below the 'normal' range of BMI 20 - 25. The BMI number itself is not as important, however, as the history leading up to it. You said at the start that you've lost a lot of weight in the 18 months since having your baby. Unintentional weight-loss is always worth checking out. If it's because you're not eating enough, for example, or that your diet is poor or irregular then you could have nutritional issues.... not apparent immediately, but over time. Some medical conditions make themselves known through weight-loss.... diabetes, for example, and the thyroid condition mentioned earlier.

If you'd always been 7st and in top condition it might not be a problem, but since you've lost weight and are having difficulty regaining it, it could be worth talking to your GP>

Original poster
blue2711 · 21/03/2011 12:09

Thanks, chil1234. I think my BMI when I got pregnant 2 yrs ago was 20 so it obviously has dropped. Having said that I've been between 7 stone and 8 stone my whole adult life. I haven't lost 'a lot' of weight recently, it's probably only a few pounds, but on me that really shows.

I will talk to my GP though.

OP posts:
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