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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel all my efforts at being a good mum were wasted....

57 replies

bobbyshaftosgirl · 20/03/2011 22:31

Feel really weird today, SIL been round, she is totally chilled parent and actually probably a better mum than me even tho I've always frowned on everything she's ever done.

My DS is 1, hers is 2 months. I had EMCS and struggled to breast feed but persevered through the agony and have only just stopped coz I'm back at work. She went straight to bottle. I use cloth nappies, she doesn't. I limit the amount of TV DS watches, she sticks hers in front of TV all day. I won't let DS have biscuits etc., she's already talking about weaning with rusks, I saved up for ages so I could take a full year off work and took DS to loads of baby groups, she is going back to work in 2 weeks and putting him in nursery.

I know I'm a complete judgey pants and deserve a flaming but really am feeling that there is no benefit to anything that I've done, we are all different and that there is no right way to parent. My nephew is such a contented happy little chap, and mine is very clingy and if I'm honest a nightmare 'a challenge' sometimes. And now I've realised that, then I've also realised that I've wasted much time and energy getting stressed about conforming to all the things 'the books' say.

Needless to say my DS is a PFB? I'll probably let the next one juggle knives and live wild in the garden...

Anyway, back to the question, AIBU to feel all my efforts were a waste of time?

OP posts:
mamatomany · 20/03/2011 22:37

I know what you mean there are times I feel I've wasted my energies but then maybe the children will appreciate the effort in years to come.

aliciasilverstone · 20/03/2011 22:38

YABU, you have done a fantastic job and most importantly have done it your way and the way that felt right for you and your DS, you sound like a great mum so don't think that you've wasted your time.

Sorry to hear your DS is a challenge at the moment, but who's to say he wouldn't have been exactly the same had you parented him differently.

Rosebud05 · 20/03/2011 22:38

In what way is she a better mum than you?

Aside from anything else, you can't possibly judge your totality of parenting by a year. They've just got different personalities - and have a long time ahead of them to change.

upyourdiva · 20/03/2011 22:39

YABU

Most babies are contented at 2 months they don't do much do they? A one year old will be on the run and may well seem like a nightmare but they ALL do this.

I had EMCS, FF, have never been particularly strict about TV or food it does'nt mean that I am better or worse than you but she is wrong to be talking about weaning at 2 months.

I have been in and out of night jobs since DS was born so that I could take him to baby groups etc but you know what I HATED IT so only went a handful fo times, my DS i now 4.7 and just as outgoing as any other child I know.

I'm happy for you that you could afford to keep back money for time off but unfortunately we are not all this lucky so some of us need to go back to work to pay the bills and keep a roof over our babies heads.

YANBU to feel annoyed about wasting time on books they give you so much expectations and if things don't go accordingly they really do cause a lot of angst.

SueWhite · 20/03/2011 22:39

OK, your children almost certainly will not appreciate the effort in years to come because they never do

But you have been/are being a good mother, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else is doing.

Slight sidetrack, but how are throwaway nappies better for the baby? I get they are more environmentally friendly

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 22:41

YABU

Everyone parents differently and every child is an individual. Carry on as you are you are doing the best YOU can do and in that sense the best mum your children will have :)

MorticiaAddams · 20/03/2011 22:42

YABU. Babies are people and have different personalities. You could bring another one up exactly the same as your first and it could turn out to be the most chilled kid in the world.

Your efforts are not wasted if you are mothering the way you feel happy but they may be if you are only doing it because you feel you should and not enjoying it.

Do your own thing.

bupcakesandcunting · 20/03/2011 22:44

There is no right way to parent, IMO. You do what works for you and your child and you do the best YOU can do. As long as you are doing the best that you can do, what else can anyone ask? You can be the textbook "perfect" mummy and still raise a terror. I've seen some, erm, less than perfect mums raise angelic bairns. Honestly, it comes down to personality and genes a lot of the time. Stop beating yourself up.

NewPathways · 20/03/2011 22:45

She has a starter baby OP Hmm

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 22:49

please please please dont hold yourself up against other mums.

tehre is already a difference in your situation that means tehy aren't comparable. your ds is alot older (in baby terms) than hers. hers may be content now, but fastforward to teething and the clingy phase and he mightn't be so contented.

try not to judge others, but equally, stopping judging yourself. you are being teh best mum your baby deserves and you have a gazillion more days of being a mum ahead of you before you get to the point where you can hand on heart say "i did my best but it wasn't right" (i dont think you will say that BTW.)

enjoy your baby and remember that every single mum and baby situation is different so dont compare, you have your reasons for doing things teh way you do and so does she.

FWIW i had my dcs 4 years apart and i am a completely different mum second time round. i am far more relaxed about not getting everything right. i am far more accepting of teh fact that i WILL get things wrong. it is trial and error, just because i try something taht doesn't work, doesn't mean i should never have tried it. we all learn by doing.

have more faith in your self and yoru decisions.
Smile

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 22:50

Sounds like you are fishing for compliments. I wonder why you are so competitive?

If you chilled a bit more your PFB just might chill out too!

PinkToeNails · 20/03/2011 22:52

Do what ever works. My friend did Gina Ford for both babies and it worked with one and not the other. Even twins can be very different.

You're doing a grand job. It's always easy to look at other people and think they're doing a better job - she may be thinking the same about you.

Original poster
bobbyshaftosgirl · 20/03/2011 22:53

Aw thank you, nice comments made me feel better.
Sue- about the nappies, no not necessarily better for baby, just another example of a lot of effort (washing etc) vs none for her but take your point, nothing to do with her ds being more chilled. Just think they are part of the whole 'why do I bother?' conundrum of tonight!

OP posts:
bupcakesandcunting · 20/03/2011 22:54

Also agree with chunkythighs but didn't want to say! There is no point in being competitive or smuggy about your parenting.

I let DS watch 2 hours of television a day. He is three. On the surface this is probably bordering on social services material for most MNers but it's a strategy for me to be able to do stuff. 30 minutes in the morning whilst he eats his breakfast, I can get his school stuff ready, do dinner prep, put washing on. An hour late afternoon when I need to cook/put washing away/iron etc etc and half an hour after dinner sometimes if DH is late from work and I need to wash up etc. He isn't neglected and we do loads of other creative stuff together and he can write his own name, something my friend's 5 year old hasn't mastered. Not bragging but there are lots of weights and measures in parenting.

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 22:55

bobby, i used washables to save money because i was skint. i use disposables now. i dont think i was any better then than i am now (same baby)

hester · 20/03/2011 22:56

Well, I think you need to relax. And start accepting that there is no one right way to raise a child. My db and SIL have 3 kids, all now teenagers, and I have never, ever got their parenting style: seems to consist of equal parts letting them get away with murder and shrieking abuse at them. And, you know, their children are three of the most delightful, courteous, interesting, charming young people I have ever met. With one child they could have just got lucky, with three - well, they must have been doing something right. Can't see what myself, but I just have to accept that they must have been doing something right. I should add that there is no doubt they really love their children, and the children know that, and providing that is in place you can probably get away with a wide range of parenting styles.

The other thing to remember is that we are not in full control of how our children will turn out; they have their own personalities and sometimes our parenting styles demonstrate effect as well as cause. My dd was a clingy, complicated, fearful, intense toddler, and I know that other mothers thought I was over-protective and had caused her fearfulness. Were they right, or was my parenting a response to the child I had been given? I suspect the latter, as she has now pretty much grown out of those characteristics.

Your baby and your SIL's are still very young, and who knows what will happen in future. Relax, and don't see it as a competition.

fit2drop · 20/03/2011 23:00

bobbyshaftosgirl

Each of my Kids were brought up the same, Same rules, same routines, etc etc, They ALL had different babyhoods, One was fantastic, hardly knew I had her, One was very poorly so exceptions were made, One was so bloody independant she made me feel like she didnt need me (or anyone )at all.and one was a clingy limpet horror that was frequently found screaming and clutching my ankles if I as much as walked into another room Hmm

I survived , more important so did they and they are all now well adjusted adults with no more than the normal average human frailties.

Only advise I can offer is throw away the books
books are good and offer lots of good info about how things will happen , trouble is the baby doesn't read the books so doesn't know the rules and have no idea how he/she is supposed to respond to whatever parenting skill you have learnt that day.

Trust your own instincts, you cannot go wrong.

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 23:01

i agree with Fit2drop. throw away teh books. follow your instincts and trust your own judgement.

Original poster
bobbyshaftosgirl · 20/03/2011 23:05

Chunky - don't know why I'm so competitive if that's what it is. Just don't know why I got so hung up on doing stuff by the book when it clearly doesn't matter, I suppose I just read up, listened to advice etc and tried to follow it rather than just having the confidence to find my own way. I know I probably care too much what other people think, when actually they don't care at all, I mean who really cares what I feed ds and whether I stick him in front of tv all day (apart from his close family), I don't know why I think people will judge me, although actually I think I've just answered my own question, and realised it's probably because I judge others. It's horrible though and I will make a concerted effort to stop it.

OP posts:
roomonthebroom · 20/03/2011 23:06

YABU. You are a good mum, but try to relax a bit or you won't enjoy it.

I'm pretty laid back as a mum, FF from pretty early on, went back to work after 5 months as we needed the money, am relaxed about food and TV, but I didn't read any books about how to do it, nor did I have any close friends with DC so I had nothing to compare it to. When my SIL was pregnant she asked for tips on how to have a chilled baby like mine and said I should write a book about how to do it. The book would consist of the following advice 'if it feels right, do it. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Take no notice of people who think they have the right to tell you how to do it. The end.' Seriously, don't feel you are 'doing it wrong', you are doing it your way, so that's the right way.

I think it is very much down to the individual baby too- some are content, others aren't. You might do exactly the same things if you have a DC2 with totally different results. And vice versa. Plus 2 months is too young to tell what your DN will really be like. My 'contented baby' is now a fiesty 5 yr old who never sleeps the whole night in her own bed. That'll teach me for being so pleased with the good job I did :o

roomonthebroom · 20/03/2011 23:08

X posts with loads of people saying the same as me.

PinkToeNails · 20/03/2011 23:09

Yes. Bin the books. I stressed so much during the weaning stage be aide the oils said she was showing all the signs of wanting to eat, but she just wasn't interested for the first 8 weeks. Thought I must be doing something wrong as all the other babies were eating. When she was ready she changed over night.

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 23:10

bobby, why are you talking about you being judged when your OP was so horribly judgmental against your SIL?

You clearly think that everyone should parent one specific way (ie yours).

You're right, no one gives a crap about the minute details of how you rear a child as long as your family is happy, healthy and relaxed.

Would you like it if your SIL spoke about you in the same manner as you did her?

PinkToeNails · 20/03/2011 23:12

Sorry iPhone wisdom. My post makes no sense

Greythorne · 20/03/2011 23:15

Chunky thighs
You seem unnecessarily aggressive and confrontational

I know this is aibu but really