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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel all my efforts at being a good mum were wasted....

57 replies

bobbyshaftosgirl · 20/03/2011 22:31

Feel really weird today, SIL been round, she is totally chilled parent and actually probably a better mum than me even tho I've always frowned on everything she's ever done.

My DS is 1, hers is 2 months. I had EMCS and struggled to breast feed but persevered through the agony and have only just stopped coz I'm back at work. She went straight to bottle. I use cloth nappies, she doesn't. I limit the amount of TV DS watches, she sticks hers in front of TV all day. I won't let DS have biscuits etc., she's already talking about weaning with rusks, I saved up for ages so I could take a full year off work and took DS to loads of baby groups, she is going back to work in 2 weeks and putting him in nursery.

I know I'm a complete judgey pants and deserve a flaming but really am feeling that there is no benefit to anything that I've done, we are all different and that there is no right way to parent. My nephew is such a contented happy little chap, and mine is very clingy and if I'm honest a nightmare 'a challenge' sometimes. And now I've realised that, then I've also realised that I've wasted much time and energy getting stressed about conforming to all the things 'the books' say.

Needless to say my DS is a PFB? I'll probably let the next one juggle knives and live wild in the garden...

Anyway, back to the question, AIBU to feel all my efforts were a waste of time?

OP posts:

PoppetUK · 20/03/2011 23:19

Parenting is hard enough as it is (bugger you that find it easy :)). You don't need to be using that big stick already. With my first I did everything I could to do it the "right" way. Number 2 came along and I beat myself up because they were close in age and I couldn't do all the things with just one precious child. Number 3 came along and I don't have the time or energy to everything that I did with the first two. Thankfully you learn a few short cuts. Only experience can bring that.

We do all these things in the hope that as they get older we've created good habits, secure bases blah blah blah. I can tell you that as they do get older you start to see more of them pay off but also see a few that you could have relaxed on a bit. That's the beauty of hindsight.

Just make sure the decisions you make are allowing you to enjoy your child rather than get caught up in rights and wrongs x

fit2drop · 20/03/2011 23:20

chunkythighs
OP admits she sounds judgey, when actually all thats really going on in her post is an insecure mum who is comparing herself to another mum.
I think lots of us have done that at some point.
Your comments are harsh to someone who is obviously having a confidence crisis, nothing more.
Babies are very good at doing that to any one of us.

animula · 20/03/2011 23:21

You've said it yourself - there is room for a lot of variation in "good-enough" parenting. You parented your way ... and it's OK.

The real issue is that you clearly judge yourself very harshly: you stress about your decisions, and worry. that is: you're a worrier - and you worry (your) about parenting.

What you are really wishing, (in my opinion) is that you loved yourself, and your decisions a little more, and were less anxious and self-judgmental -- not (in my opinion) that you had watched more TV with your small infant.

Be a little less hard on yourself. Be happy. Be happy for her, too, and enjoy the fact that you have a lovely one year old, who has a lovely mother.

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 23:21

chunky, give her a break. she has already said that she knows how judgemental she was being. you are coming across as someone who is just out to kick someone while they're down.

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 23:22

I just don't get it, she slates her Sils parenting and then speaks about being afraid of being judged........It makes no sense.......however if that is being aggressive.......Then I'm confused and aggressive

fit2drop · 20/03/2011 23:25

she didn,t "slate" her SIL , she merely showed the comparrisons between their parenting styles and is questioning her own abilities.

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 23:32

Well I didn't pick up any compliments in her op fit.

No one more than me knows how difficult raising a child is- my best practice mantra is 'let me not completely fvck him up'.

I have have very supportive SILs as I am to them......parenting styles are supposed to be unique....

fit2drop · 20/03/2011 23:44

Well I didn't pick up any compliments in her op fit

No because she is too busy beating herself up

No one more than me knows how difficult raising a child is

WTF!!! THAT sentence alone HAS to be the most condescending, patronising arrogant and most selfish unhelpful sentence I have ever read on MN and thats saying something.

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 23:51

emmm, the death of my husband regressed my toddler to the point where he stopped walking and talking.........yea it seriously made me doubt my parenting skills but I didn't b1tch about my friend or familys.

chunkythighs · 20/03/2011 23:51

parenting styles-that is

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 23:53

"No one more than me knows how difficult raising a child is

WTF!!! THAT sentence alone HAS to be the most condescending, patronising arrogant and most selfish unhelpful sentence I have ever read on MN and thats saying something."

again, i agree with F2D

"parenting styles are supposed to be unique...."

no they're not, they're supposed to get the child raised safely to adulthood.

BooyHoo · 20/03/2011 23:54

"emmm, the death of my husband regressed my toddler to the point where he stopped walking and talking.........yea it seriously made me doubt my parenting skills but I didn't b1tch about my friend or familys."

i am sorry about the death of your husband. but that doesn't mean you know more than anyone else how difficult raising a child is.

animula · 20/03/2011 23:58

... and going back to the OP ...

most parents on this forum will identify with what you're talking about - it's so widespread a feeling it should have a name.

On a bad day, I compare my parenting to anyone and everyone: super-organised mothers (because I'm not super-organised); chilled mothers (because I'm not permanently chilled); hippy mothers (because I'm not always hippy); career mothers (because I failed to be a career + mother); etc. etc.

On a good day, I realise that I am human, and limited, and I do my best, and parent according to my desires and wishes ... and, no, I don't always reach my ideal, and that, often, I find achieving what I do is hard work, sometimes exhausting, sometimes frustrating, not always joy-bringing (well, not immediately gratifying ...) but, hey ho, that's because human perfection is an on-going thing, rather than realised in a static and absolute form.

You're just having a down phase - it will pass. And you'll have good days, when things go well, and you feel very happy with how you've managed to parent (for a day, or an hour, or whatever ...).

BadaBingBang · 20/03/2011 23:58

Going back to the OP, your SIL's baby is only 2 months!! Maybe re-assess when they're 16. In the meantime, chill a little.

chunkythighs · 21/03/2011 00:03

I didn't mean to say that I know everything.....Just meant to say that I know that it can be really hard....I really dont get the OP negativity towards her SIL. Shes got a new born FFS

My point about parenting being unique is that the Op is overly concerned that her SIL is taking the easy way out while she did things the hard way. I see it as more of a so what? Whatever works for ya!

fit2drop · 21/03/2011 00:05

Im genuinely sorry about your loss chunkythighs and the problems that followed but I stand by my comment referring to you declaring you know more than anyone about how difficult it is to raise a child.
"

fit2drop · 21/03/2011 00:07

Sorry Chunkythighs , I cross posted before I read your explanation

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 00:08

ok think of this chunky

you have a really important exam coming up. you cram, you join a study group, you get tutored and you get stressed.

your fellow student isn't stressing at all about it, just taking it in their stride, not cramming or getting tutored, just studying as and when they feel like it.

now the exam hasn't happened yet so tehre are no results to be able to tell who had the best tactics for exam success but dont you think you would feel a bit resentful that it appears your friend can do the exam without having to put in anywhere near the amount of effort you have? you dont know if she has passed, but her confident approach really riles you becasuse you have given up alot of time and energy in order to pass while she appears to be sailing through.

it would get on your tits just a bit dont you think?

colditz · 21/03/2011 00:08

Op....

YANBU to feel that all your efforts were a waste of time.

I have two children. Ds1 was raised in a protective bubble. I checked salt contents, constantly stimulated, ironed sheets, timed tv, socialised with playdats, made playdoh, cutting and sticking and had long and rambling conversations about beetles etc.

Ds2 was raised almost of an afterthought. His first food was a banana I was holding, his first independantly sought finger food was his brother's peanut butter on toast, was told to SHUSH a lot, left to cry sometimes, dragged aorund where-ever his brother wanted to go, or where-ever I needed to be, and at nearly five, he has a complex inner world involving Sonic The Hedgehog and battling with sharks.

They might as well have been raised by two different people.

yet Ds1 is the one with the social and behavioral problems, and ds2 is the one who has just had the most glowing parent's evening I have ever heard.

Which leads me to believe that they were BORN that way. I did nothing wrong for DS1 and I did nothing (or very little) in the correct way for Ds2. One would think it must be Ds1 would would be clever and perfectly, almost gyroscopically well adjusted, but he has ASD and ADHD, and although very clever, has just been put onto a ritalin script because he NEEDS it.

parenting is NOT all. good parenting is essential to get the best from your child but what you actually get depends very much on what you were given in the first place. You cannot turn a dog into a cat, you cannot turn a non clingy baby into a clingy one, you cannot turn a screamer into a placid lump, and you cannot turn a normal child strange unless you COMPLETELY fuck it up, and you really have to be going some for that.

Cathycat · 21/03/2011 00:08

Getting back to the OP, I would also say don't beat yourself up. You're on a learning curve that's all. And we all learn something new everyday. I was very "by the book" with ds1 and he was a perfect child. I presumed (wrongly) that because I'd done x, y and z that he was a good eater, because I'd done x, y and z, he was an early talker. Well possibly but I think it was also his personality and a dash of good luck! And I 'began' to be Miss Perfect with ds2 ..... but then things didn't quite go to plan! He was a grumpy, screaming child who barely ate and didn't communicate! (Lovely in his own way!). Then along came number 3 who acted similarly to number 2. Then number 4 acted like number 2 - unpredictable! So I am agreeing with you. It is good to have ideals but it doesn't guarantee the child's behaviour. And nobody will give you a certificate either. But there are lots of little rewards on the way, just perhaps a bit less obvious to spot and not quite what you'd expected.

chunkythighs · 21/03/2011 00:18

Boo hoo, I dont agree with the analogy at all. The Op has a toddler in the making (not easy), her sister in law had a baby 8 weeks ago. The OP has commented that the newborn is being ff, watches tv and doesnt have a stay at home mom...........jeez does she remember how wobbly we all felt when we had our PFBs?

I'm getting the jealous vibe and competitivness from the op.

BooyHoo · 21/03/2011 00:22

ok. you dont get it. fair enough.

FabbyChic · 21/03/2011 00:23

Different parenting styles do not mean one parent is better than the other. Just remember that when your kids are ten they won't remember how it all started, and it certainly does not affect them at all how you do things.

Mine are 17 and 23, well balanced, well liked, respecful fantastic kids with successful futures ahead of them. I done everything the way your SIL done it.

It's about choice how you choose to do things, either way neither of you have done it wrong you have just done it your way.

animula · 21/03/2011 00:26

Really, chunkythighs? I'm getting a "vibe" of a woman who doubts herself - quite probably in many areas of her life - and is probably a little bit tired and anxious - and is tentatively trying out an unvoicable-in-RL-though on an anonymous (relatively) forum.

I feel empathy for your loss, and suspect you have had a difficult time, also. I wish you well with your parenting choices, and with your efforts to connect with others.

chunkythighs · 21/03/2011 00:30

LOL animula I connect fine - sleep well folks g'night

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