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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a baby?

67 replies

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:41

Hi, sorry, I know there has been a similar thread today already but I really want a range of views ...

I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship, whilst I realise that I am not "old" by any means it is starting to worry me.

I decided this summer that I would wait until summer 2013 and if I had not had any joy with finding someone I wanted to have children with I would fly solo and the best option seemed to be donated sperm with IVF with a possibility of egg sharing to reduce costs.

Can I ask for people's honest (but polite!) views on this and also is this the best way as a few things seem to suggest it would not?

OP posts:

Littlefish · 20/03/2011 22:36

Your argument doesn't make sense. Adopting as a single parent means that you are planning to bring up a child with only one parent, exactly the same as if you conceive a child though donor insemination as a single parent.

Littlefish · 20/03/2011 22:36

My message was to SmilingHappyBeaver, not Rowan.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 22:38

Better off with 2 parents doesn't mean that it's better not to be born if you don't have 2 parents.

bringonthegoat · 20/03/2011 22:41

Being LP is hard - I cannot understtand why anyone would 'choose' it. Not an answer to your AIBU - just my genuine bogglement on my own situ!

SmilingHappyBeaver · 20/03/2011 22:55

Spidookly

Umm, no I don't think an "accident" with no father involved is fine... it's not ideal is it? But it's a very different situation to deliberately setting out to do something.

I guess i just feel sad that fathers seem so marginalised in our society. People have the attitude to "take them or leave them", and a general feeling that there's a good chance they won't stick around anyway. Which is a pretty depressing state of affairs.

I am lucky, my 3 DC's have a fantastic dad. He brings so much to their lives beyond what I can... not better things, just different things. Having kids is bloody hard work and i just don't get why you would knowingly want to do it on your own.

My point is that most people with maternal/paternal urges who want kids, will wait until they are in a relationship. The decision to start a family should be about the best time to do it for the CHILDS benefit, not just because the parent wants one RIGHT NOW, regardless of whether it would be in the best interest of the child. My point about the "lifestyle accessory" was to reflect our modern consumerist approach of going out to buy whatever the hell we want.

WassaAxolotl · 20/03/2011 22:58

I would carefully consider the higher likelihood of twins with IVF, compared to AI. Being a single parent looks very hard, and I don't know how those with twins manage!

SmilingHappyBeaver · 20/03/2011 23:00

spidookly · 20/03/2011 23:12

"The decision to start a family should be about the best time to do it for the CHILDS benefit, not just because the parent wants one RIGHT NOW, regardless of whether it would be in the best interest of the child."

What a load of utter bollocks.

A non-existent child doesn't have needs or interests. It doesn't exist.

People choose to have children because of when it suits them.

My children have a wonderful father that brings lots to their lives that I can't bring. I have a wonderful Dad and had two wonderful grandfathers. A brother I adore and a BIL I think is super.

It is possible to think that fathers are important and still think that people who want to become parents but who don't have a partner should be able to do so if that is what they think is best.

ninedragons · 20/03/2011 23:33

Well, I think the thing to remember is that life turns on a sixpence.

You wake up one morning in the same single rut, but by the time you go to bed that day your future partner could have walked into your life.

30 is young (have just popped out DD2 at 39 and a bit), but focus on changing the things that are within your control. Perhaps some therapy to change the way you feel about your looks? If you think you're unshaggable, it's going to become self-fulfilling. And if I were you I'd start saving like a maniac - if you do end up doing it as a lone parent in a few years, it would be great to have the money behind you to take a couple of years off if you wanted, or fund IVF if it turns out to be necessary. Money gives you all sorts of options.

A1980 · 20/03/2011 23:36

Oh don't get me started.... read my post a while ago from relationships

absolutely terrified I'm getting too old but can't afford one alone.

MiniMousse · 20/03/2011 23:57

It is not all bad to do it on your own.
I am single parent to dd (2) and work full time. I own my own house, and recieve no help from dd's dad who has decided being a parent is not for him. I went thru the pregnancy alone, dd's dad saw her for first year of her life and then buggered off.
But the truth is: I am happy, happy, happy in ways I could never have imagined. I count my blessings every day. I love my dd and to be honest seeing what some of my coupled friends (male AND female) have to put up with, I often think I am in a better situation in lots of ways.
Ok, people are telling you to wait it out for mr right, and I can see why. I tried internet dating etc but for whatever reason the right guy didn't come along, the wrong one did. He showed his true colours but I can never regret is as I have dd who is the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I am still single but don't feel the desperation to find a man before my biological clock burns out, the way I did before I had dd (which I am sure men can sense, adn find offputting).
The way I see it, I have all the time in the world to find the right partner. I didn't have all the time in the world to have a child. And despite the circumstances, it has been the absolute best thing I have ever done.
And two parents AREN'T automatically better than one. You can do just as good a job on your own.

sleepywombat · 20/03/2011 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffronwblue · 21/03/2011 02:12

Rowan good for you for addressing this before you are 40 and full of "what ifs." Having said this I have a friend who deliberately had a one night stand and got pregnant at 41. She now has a lovely little boy and does not regret any of it, as far as I know. I was 36 when I met my DH, married at 37, babies at 38 and 41.

I think the whole therapy/counselling route is a good idea. Once you have a child you will not have head space for years to think about your own needs and if you have any unresolved isssues ( as we all do) they are more likely to be exaggerated through lack of sleep and the intensity of wrangling a young baby.

Why not give yourself a couple of years to really put yourself out there, accept all invitations, volunteer, get fit, SAVE as much as you can, meet men so that you will have nice male friends for your child to get to know and see what happens.

Good Luck

CheerfulYank · 21/03/2011 02:39

I'm sure you're not ugly, darling!

Anyway, YANBU but I think, as others have said, that therapy to resolve some lingering issues might be a good idea first.

Good luck!

Morloth · 21/03/2011 03:45

I bet you are not ugly, very very very few people are, most if us are on a sliding scale of average.

But think the fact that you think you are is very telling.

In your situation I would get myself checked out physically to check for any obvious fertility problems (like PCOS or whatever), then make a firm promise to myself to get myself financially secure and ready for a baby at say 34. Then put it aside emotionally and get to work on my self esteem.

Then get out and enjoy life, husbands are nice to have (sometimes!) but they are not essential to having a happy fulfilled life, women have been managing on their own and raising children on their own forever. This whole set up of Mum, Dad and the two kids is a relatively new phenomena and is not always the ideal for everyone IMO.

1Catherine1 · 21/03/2011 04:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want a baby and I think you are being very sensible about planning it - emotionally and financially.

Some of your comments are concerning though. I know what it is like to go through school being picked on and called ugly and I know what it can do to your self confidence but like others I doubt your own perception of yourself is very accurate. I know this isn't what your thread is about but I think it is a really important issue that you need to address. My mother was a role model for me and her confident and strong manner was something I looked up to. As you intend to be the main role model to your child I think such big issues need dealing with first. I'm not suggesting that meeting a man will solve all your problems but I am saying that I doubt very much it is your appearance that is stopping you meeting someone and more likely it is how you come across to others as maybe being uninterested (I say this as I know I did this while in college and didn't realize till years later) which as you describe it is you don't know "how to". I also know what teaching does to your life and it really is one of those professions that can eat up your life if you let it - don't, have a social life.

Good luck Rowan!

SmilingHappyBeaver · 21/03/2011 11:02

Which part of the concept of "planning" don't you understand Spidookly? Are you saying my post is "utter bollocks" because you think most people don't plan for the needs of an unborn child before it exists, because it doesn't exist? I think you'll find most people do exactly that - it's called family planning!

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