Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to want a baby?

67 replies

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:41

Hi, sorry, I know there has been a similar thread today already but I really want a range of views ...

I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship, whilst I realise that I am not "old" by any means it is starting to worry me.

I decided this summer that I would wait until summer 2013 and if I had not had any joy with finding someone I wanted to have children with I would fly solo and the best option seemed to be donated sperm with IVF with a possibility of egg sharing to reduce costs.

Can I ask for people's honest (but polite!) views on this and also is this the best way as a few things seem to suggest it would not?

OP posts:

kmr5025 · 20/03/2011 19:51

I was in a very, very similar situation and was single and quite lonely for a long time - I tried all the blind dates and dating sites with no joy. I was desperate for a child and investigated all the options (donor insemination, adoption etc etc) and definitely wanted to go ahead with doing it on my own. Then at the age of 37 I met my DH through work and after a whirlwind romance we ended up married 9 months after our first date and we now have a beautiful 4 month old baby boy . I was 1 month away from being 39 when he was born.

Sorry if I sound in any way smug - it's not meant to and I REALLY hated people telling me stories like this when I was single (!) but just wanted to say how from my own experiences your life can change dramatically and unexpectedly without any warning!

All that said however I don't think meeting a man is the answer to all of life's problems and so I think that if you want this and are sure you are financially, physically and emotionally ready for being a single parent then I think you should go for it.

vouvrey · 20/03/2011 19:52

Personally I'd rather have a one night stand than use donor sperm. I wouldn t want to have a baby with someone I'd never met.

Original poster

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 19:55

I couldn't do that vouvrey - you could pick up all sorts of nasties as much as anything else!

Thanks so much for all thoughts. Phoebe, I think these are difficult questions - all I can say is, I am healthy, I am used to doing things independently and I do have one living parent who I know would dote on a grandchild. x

OP posts:

matchesmatchesnevertouch · 20/03/2011 19:58

Well it's all very subjective, isn't it so I don't think any one of us has the 'answer'.

You are ONLY 30, it isn't that old - you should have plenty of years of childbearing in you yet.

I think you need to be very, very sure that it's a baby you want, and not a husband substitute - i.e. if you've been the kind of person who is always very happy to be single and never been bothered about finding a bloke but you feel you have something to offer a child, then go for it.

But, if what your heart REALLY desires is a man, but you think for whatever reason that isn't going to happen so you may as well have a family without one, then you maybe need to think long and hard?

matchesmatchesnevertouch · 20/03/2011 20:01

Sorry to sound gloomy but I don't think teaching is particularly child friendly until your children are school age. UNLESS you can do a job share?

Original poster

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 20:08

Matches, it's most definitely the right way round as it were, I have to be honest and say at this stage I wouldn't know what to do with a man if a millionaire who looked like Robert Pattison proposed!

I do know what you mean about teaching - I doubt a job share would be financially possible - but I do know my dad would take on at least one day's childcare a week (probably more ...) and I'd just have to find nursery/childminder. At least when s/he started school I would be there for the holidays :) x

OP posts:

stripeywoollenhat · 20/03/2011 20:11

i think you should consider the practicalities (having a child is the most full-time occupation that exists) but if you are satisfied that you can handle it and that it is fair to the little one, then i think you should go for it. but i think you have more time to make this decision than you think you do - maybe get your fertility checked out at 33, it should give you an idea how much pressure you're under.

and in the interim, i think you should forget about it, knowing that you are going to sort it out in due course, and try to have a good, adult time, because that will be severely curtailed by the onset of parenthood...

Original poster

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 20:16

Yeah definitely woollenhat! I really hope I won't HAVE to use this as an option, but if I got to say, 42/43/44 and had no children I just wouldn't be happy, I know I wouldn't. I have always wanted children. x

OP posts:

Figgyrolls · 20/03/2011 20:31

Rowan, you are 30, don't give up hope, I know many people who met the love of their lives later than that! None of whom had had proper "relationships", and you know if you don't have one in your time scale then you have a fall back option.

foreverondiet · 20/03/2011 20:33

Totally reasonable to want (and to have) a baby on your own if you are financially secure, but perhaps in the meantime really look at the reasons why you haven't been in a relationship, and do everything you can to try and turn this around, eg address self confidence issues mentioned (loose weight if you are overweight), improve wardrobe, register on all the online dating site, and do everything you can to try and meet someone. If its a primary school, ask the parents if their know anyone suitable (thats what happened to a teacher at my DCs school)

If you get to 2013 and this hasn't happened then go for it.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 20:37

I agree with the others. Keep this as your backup plan, but you have a good few years yet to meet someone. Really, 30 is not particularly old not to have met the person you spend your life with.

It's just an age where you start thinking "oooh, I'm 30" and it seems so momentous. When you're 31 it won't seem so important :o

OTheHugeManatee · 20/03/2011 20:39

I say try Guardian Dating before you go for IVF. There are lots of intelligent, eligible men out there looking to settle down and have children with someone.

Original poster

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 20:49

I've tried Guardian - no luck!

I've tried most of the things listed, I'm not overweight (I am ugly though!) and I don't work in a primary school, so I don't know really what options are left as I honestly have tried.

OP posts:

ohboob · 20/03/2011 20:53

I can't talk about the baby situation but you wrote earlier that you'd grown up being told you were fat and ugly. Me too. It destroyed my confidence and it took me a long time to believe anyone could want to be with me. But therapy helped me massively and I feel much more attractive now. If you feel attractive then other people will find you so too. I promise. It's all about confidence and joie de vivre. I think you're writing yourself off, and I really understand that but you need to tackle it.

There are lots of men out there who also lack confidence and desperately want a nice woman to have babies with (match.com taught me that). Before you do anything would you please have some therapy, maybe have a makeover to make you feel special (not that you probably even need it) and concentrate on having some fun. I think you'd surprise yourself by finding someone. Seriously. I went through so much of my life feeling dreadful, with no interest from any men at all. A bit of therapy and I am literally fighting men off at present. And enjoying it very much too.

hairylights · 20/03/2011 20:56

Don't forget in all of this you have no idea how fertile you are or are not. You can take the risk of waiting but time is very important. Don't assume it's easy to get pregnan. ... For some people it sadly isn't.

hissymissy · 20/03/2011 20:58

ohboob, out of interest, did you have to pay privately for therapy?

GoldenGreen · 20/03/2011 21:06

I don't have useful advice on the meeting a man situation but I just wanted to say I think you are right re: IVF. Yes it is more intrusive than donor insemination but it is actually not that much more expensive now and has a better chance of success. So you could actually be better off doing 3 rounds of IVF than, say 6 rounds of donor insemination. Plus if you did egg sharing you would get much of the cost met. And if you respond well to the first round of IVF, you may have embryos to freeze for another cycle.

The only thing you need to consider is if you go for eggsharing you will need to do it well before you turn 35 as you will not be able to donate eggs after that. And also what hairylights says about fertility is very wise.

It sounds like you have done a lot of reading about this already but if you haven't visited the Fertility Friends website already, you should - lots of good advice on there.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ohboob · 20/03/2011 21:09

hissy I didn't initially; went on the NHS. I then paid to see someone privately so I could see who I wanted to see and didn't have to wait and it was honestly worth every penny. But I know I was very lucky to be able to do that.

BlackSwan · 20/03/2011 21:12

Rowan - it's tough enough being a parent without deciding at the outset that you want to do it by yourself and that you're happy for your child to go without a father. If you need to continue working, they're going to have to go without their mother for a lot of the time too. Although I'm sure that what you're considering is the right choice for some women - I think it's frightening! Being a parent is seriously hard work... you must be a much stronger woman than me to consider doing it alone.

PinkFondantFancy · 20/03/2011 21:19

YANBU - go for it! Hopefully you'll meet a nice man along the way as well but as hairy says, you just never know what your fertility is going to be like so if you're ready to have children now, why wait?

SmilingHappyBeaver · 20/03/2011 22:12

YABVU and selfish. Why anyone would want to set out to create a child without a father in its life is chilling.

OK, so not all fathers stick around, and some turn out to be crap dads, but a relationship failure is a very different situation compared to denying a future child the right to ever have a normal father figure from the outset.

Creating a child is an amazing thing, a physical expression of the love you have with another person. A child is not a lifestyle accessory, and having one in tow will certainly make any future search for a relationship that much harder.

Littlefish · 20/03/2011 22:21

Smiling - is it also "chilling" to want to adopt a child as a single woman (or man)?.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 22:23

I don't understand how something can be totally fine if it is an accident but totally wrong if it is planned?

Also - lifestyle accessory?

Really?

So women who want to have children one day are just hankering after a lifestyle accessory? Like a handbag?

Only the presence of a man makes it a valid non-shallow choice?

SmilingHappyBeaver · 20/03/2011 22:31

Littlefish - adopting is different because the child has already not had the best start in life. On that basis being adopted by a loving parent is of course preferable for the child. But in this case the child exists already. I still think all other things equal that it would be better off with 2 parents. There. I said it.

aliciasilverstone · 20/03/2011 22:35

Rowan, yadefinitelynbu to want to do this, but please don't write off your chances yet, you still have plenty of time to meet the right guy and settle down. But yes, if that doesn't happen, I think I would do the same as you.

Flip

1 2 3