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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a baby?

67 replies

Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:41

Hi, sorry, I know there has been a similar thread today already but I really want a range of views ...

I'm 30 and I've never been in a relationship, whilst I realise that I am not "old" by any means it is starting to worry me.

I decided this summer that I would wait until summer 2013 and if I had not had any joy with finding someone I wanted to have children with I would fly solo and the best option seemed to be donated sperm with IVF with a possibility of egg sharing to reduce costs.

Can I ask for people's honest (but polite!) views on this and also is this the best way as a few things seem to suggest it would not?

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 20/03/2011 18:44

Sorry but why IVF? You can get donated sperm from a clinic, turkey baster from Sainsburys and DIY. Far cheaper then IVF and far less invasive.

shimmerysilverglitter · 20/03/2011 18:45

I would do this. I wasn't sure I wanted children and waited till in my thirties. I feel quite dizzy with relief when I think about how close I came to missing out on having a child. I was in a couple but he was useless and I am on my own with my dc now. It is hard work but worth it.

My thought is this. Before I had my kids I could go for months without feeling happy and fulfilled. Now I feel those things every single day, though obviously some days more than others Grin.

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 18:47

I think having a baby singly or as part of a couple you should ask yourself the same questions.

Can I provide financialy for this baby?

Can I whilst providing finiancially for this baby also give enough one on one time to him?

If you can do both there isn't an issue.

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:47

Because I haven't done it before and it's not the sort of thing you bring up at dinner parties :) hence why I am asking here, I suppose. IVF seemed the best way after trawling through various same sex/single parents pregnancy forums this last summer? Obviously if I DO go ahead it will be immensely important to me and I'll want everything to go smoothly.

OP posts:
HalfTermHero · 20/03/2011 18:48

I dont see anything wrong with this provided that you have the resources and the love to support and nurture a child. Maybe wait until you are 35-37 though. Anything could happen in that time. Good luck whatever happens.

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:48

Sorry for cross posts, thank you for replies.

I think I can answer yes to both questions: I have a well paid and secure job (in teaching!) so child friendly hours ... sort of ...

OP posts:
VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 18:49

Also haveyou tried match.com or eharmony or any of the other serious match sites? paid subscription and everything?

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:50

Thanks. Yeah, I have ... I just don't seem to be drawing 'em in! :(

OP posts:
VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 18:50

Well if you know what you are getting in to (and as a teacher you do) you must know if you can make it work.

Good luck to you! :)

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:51

Thank you! xx

OP posts:
VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 18:51

Well husbands are over rated anyway check the relationships section for proof of that! Grin

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 18:54

Lol yeah!

By summer 2013 I'll be nearly 33 and assuming everything 'works' first time nearly 34 when the baby arrives so i don't know, it's just everyone says after 35 you have to be SO careful ... that said my mum had me at 35 but she was 35 in the July and I was born in September so only just.

OP posts:
hairylights · 20/03/2011 18:57

Yanbu. Go the turkey vaster route though it's
easier and less invasive?

Will you donate me an egg in 2013 if I need one and if you're doing ivf? Grin

I'm still being tested to see what's up but if it's eggs Could be too old anyway by the time the investigations are done :(

Olessaty · 20/03/2011 18:57

I think a good parent is a good parent, whether they be as a part of a couple or on their own.

I do think you should take a realistic look at the difficulties being a single parent entails. It's not just about pregnancy and babies, there's a whole lifetime of being on your own with it, and it can be very tough. And very, very rewarding.

I've not met anyone, and I am nearly thirty now. I've had kids anyway Blush, and there are times when I really struggle with knowing my beautiful daughter struggles having no dad, but this is partly because she also sees her sibling having a very warm, loving relationship with his. And times I really struggle with the practicalities of being on my own. But would I change it, in the knowledge of those difficulties for both me and my DD, not in the slightest. I adore them, I make the best of my situation and I think it's enough. To be loved, wanted and cared for.

Onlyaphase · 20/03/2011 19:07

Sorry, still don't understand why you would choose IVF over donor sperm insemination?

IVF is expensive, time consuming and invasive. A cycle will take 6-8 weeks to complete and you will need to leave at least 3 cycles between attempts.

Donor insemination can be done every month, is low tech and cheaper.

waterrat · 20/03/2011 19:17

rowan, when I was 30 I was single and also thought I would end up alone forever. When I was 31 I met my DP...my absolute soul mate and the best man in the world. I am still amazed at my luck - dont give up. I think what you are doing is perfectly sensible by the way - absolutely go for it. I think that being able to live your dreams is going to make you a stronger and more attractive woman anyway.

The only thing I want to say - totally off topic - is that I had a year of therapy, partly started because I was so down about not having relationships that worked out. It was the best thing I have ever done - completely life changing. I really looked back at patterns in my life, ways my family and upbringing had affected me and caused me to behave in certain ways regarding relationships. realising my choices had actually led me to where I was, I then saw that I could make different choices and really find the love I wanted.

I would really, really recommend it. You are young and have a long life ahead of you - if you are having trouble meeting someone/ haveing happy relationships, I would suggest that its absolutely worth the time and money to have a good look at that.

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 19:29

Onlyaphase, because I'm not an expert, I have looked around and that seemed be be the best option. I don't physically know how I'd, umm, get the sperm in and where I'd get it from. I'm grateful for advice, that's why I posted here - I'm not saying definitely anything :S

Thank you too waterrat - the problem isn't so much failed relationships as no relationships, I guess I lose hope as the years go by :(

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 20/03/2011 19:31

To be honest if you do go ahead, I wouldn't go down the IVF route straight away. It's expensive, stressful, invasive and has no guarantee of success. As someone who had to go through it multiple times, it's not something I would do if I had a choice.

I would try the artificial insemination route first off before IVF.

Good luck OP, whatever the future holds!

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 19:35

I believe you can order it online also there are clinics if you search for artficial insemination.

If you do it at home use a medicine syringe

stapledmythumb · 20/03/2011 19:38

can I ask (politely) for your view on why you have "never been in a relationship? "

batsintheroof · 20/03/2011 19:41

tips on meeting a nice guy

  1. do a course- i know you're a teacher but why not do night/weekend classes in something you enjoy? The logic is that loads of people meet at uni.
  2. get a really cute dog and take it for puppy classes!!
  3. volunteer at lots of different places- conservation work is good for meeting nice men
  4. again, conservation/volunteering holidays?
  5. wine and cheese evenings- (if you want a chef)
  6. join a local interest group
  7. lunge yourself begin conversations with fit men on trains/planes

ive just made all this up, but i think you're much more likely to find a nice guy who has the same interests doing an 'activity' rather than in a pub/bar etc ?

hissymissy · 20/03/2011 19:43

I understand where you are coming from Rowan. Although I have one DC, I always hoped for another one day. I'm now 34, and my dream seams to be fading from view, just out of my grasp. I've been a LP for over 5 years.

Some times I feel so lonely, and hopeless about finding the right person, and having another baby, it is like a physical ache Sad. I try to hold on to the fact that at least I have one lovely DS. I think you are doing the sensible thing, researching and considering it carefully. I would do the same if I could financially support myself.

Original poster
Rowan49 · 20/03/2011 19:44

Stapled my thumb, I don't know, I honestly don't - I guess it's a combination of lack of experience and lack of knowing "how" - but it gets so hard the older you get. I grew up constantly being told how fat and unattractive I was (I wasn't fat but hey!) so I guess I never even imagined anyone would look at me twice throughout sixth form college and university. I really envy those who are carefree and able to find relationships but for whatever reason I can't. I'd love to have a wedding and family home and the excitement of choosing a name but it doesn't look like it's for me and the thought of never having a child is unbearable.

OP posts:
suzikettles · 20/03/2011 19:45

A friend went down this route last year. She started the ball rolling by seeing her GP who was very supportive, did some initial tests for her and referred her to the local hospital fertility clinic.

Obviously she didn't qualify for much NHS help, but she was really heartened to find that she wasn't alone on the journey as there was lots of help available in terms of counselling, support groups and advice on what the options for her would be. She hadn't expected "the system" to be so supportive of her.

She found out that she would need to go down the IVF route in the end as routine investigations uncovered some fertility problems, but if that hadn't been the case she would have been treated with IUI I think.

In the end she didn't go through with treatment as counselling showed her that she wasn't actually ready to be a single parent, but she's planning to think about it again in a couple of years.

Good luck! i don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

feeblephoebe · 20/03/2011 19:47

do you have a support network

how will you cope if pregnancy is terrible and you can barely get from a - b

who will care for child in the event of your death

can you still go to work after being up 6 nights on the trot with two hours sleep