Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

or am I right to think this mum is just being lazy and taking an unnecessary risk?

83 replies

maxpower · 20/03/2011 09:32

DD is in reception. A classmate of hers lives 2 doors away from the school. However, to get to the school, the classmate has to walk up 3 sets of stairs (so ends up out of view of her house), through a wooded area with a public footpath running through it and round to the rear of the school building to get to the playground (from where the children go in to class). Her mum 'allows' her to do this journey alone. On a couple of occasions, other mums of children in the class have kept an eye on the girl as there are a few of us who think it's not safe for her to be doing this joureny alone. The girl is barely 4 1/2 and is very small for her age. Mum only has one child, she doesn't work and has no physical problems preventing her walking. I'm sure she only comes to collect her in the afternoon because the school wouldn't let the girl leave without an adult meeting her. It just strikes me that she's too lazy to do what has to be the shortest school run imaginable.

OP posts:

OmniaParatus · 20/03/2011 12:43

I also live 3 doors away from the school gates, there is a small road to cross leading to garages, then the path to nursery. I would never dream of allowing DS who is 3.5, to walk it on his own. I am 40 weeks pg and have a 2.5 DD and even though it can be a hassle to get us all ready for him to go to nursery, I will always go with him to nursery (he has to be signed in by an adult anyway) or to school once he is school aged.

How awful must the little girl feel when everyone walks up with their mum and dad and she is alone?

As others have said, I would have a word with the school to ask if they can send out a letter clarifying that children must be accompanied to and from reception by a caregiver because that is school policy. Say you have concerns about some children walking in by themselves, and point out the position the school will be in if anything happens to the child on the way to school. Hopefully that will get her to walk her own DD to school!

Youngmum7 · 20/03/2011 12:58

If there are a few of you who disagree with this and other parents have kept an eye on the girl too have any of them approached a teacher about this? Maybe if a few parents voiced their concerns the school would be more likely to take this seriously (although I see no reason why they shouldn't as I couldnt imagine sending my 4yr old to school on his own).

I love the walk to school with my son as I get to see him interact with his other classmates in the playground, make sure he's not upset about going to class that day etc, apart from the obvious serious danger the child is in, this mother is loosing out by not seeing her daughter off to school and I can't help but wonder what else she thinks is appropriate for her DC to do by herself.

Bloodymary · 20/03/2011 13:05

This is so WRONG.
I am another one for talking to the school.

Original poster

maxpower · 20/03/2011 14:07

thanks for your responses

it's ok Beesimo I was following you! onedge that's evil

the girl's mum never asks anyone to watch her daughter, it's just a few of us who go that way are sometimes passing when the girl leaves the house and we take it upon ourselves to keep an eye on her - but it's entirely off our own backs. Her mum clearly doesn't consider that her daughter needs to be observed all the way into the school. There are 2 routes into the schoool so there's no guarantee that any of us who know the girl will be coming in that way every day or at the right time, so it really is down to luck.

jdore they have a policy of handing the children over to an adult in the afternoon, but this problem occurs in the morning.

bramshott from what I can gather, there is no OH living with them so the day to day responsibility for getting her child there would rest with the mother. Although the girl is always correctly dressed and looks cared for, there is something about the mother's attitude towards her that comes across a bit worryingly. Very much a 'can't be bothered' attitude.

I genuinely hadn't thought about saying something to the school, but you're right, if I don't do anything and something happens, I'll feel guilty. Plus this might just be the tip of the iceberg in terms of other issues in the house hold. I'll think about the best way of bringing this up with the HT.

OP posts:

upyourdiva · 20/03/2011 14:28

Could you discuss it with the mum first?

If she is depressed or something then it is not going to help if the school are suddenly on her back for something that she thinks is fine.

Is your DD friends with the little girl?

If so I would approach the mum at home and invite her DD round to play or for dinner.

You can kind of judge by reaction if it is okay to say something, then just say something like 'Oh I noticed the other day that 'X' was walking to school alone and thought that if you were not sure about walking alone through the woods, we walk that way most days so you could accompany me if you like'.

It is not outright but might give her a kick up the arse knowing that it has been noticed.

If she persists to let her DD walk alone report it to the school.

Yellowstone · 20/03/2011 15:10

Four years old seems very surprising.

having said that, it hadn't occurred to me that I was emotionally neglecting my child, but though I always walk her to school in the morning (so that I'm quite sure she gets there also for a few minutes to talk in an otherwise very noisy household)she does now walk home on her own. She's almost nine (Year 4), the school is extremely content with the arrangement and my daughter (the youngest of eight and very mature for her age) seems entirely unfazed. If it's a sunny day she often plays with others in the playpark for a while before setting off home. She's lived all her life in the village and everyone knows everyone. How bad a mother would you rate me? She also roams around the village with her next siblings up (11 and 13) and other children in the village and they do have roads to cross. I think it's healthy, but still.

lesley33 · 20/03/2011 15:25

onetoomany - you are wrong. Some European countries do have very young children walking about unsupervised as a norm.

For example in the German part of Switzerland they make a big deal about the developmental stage of when children should be able to walk home alone.

Most children by 4 or 5 would be expected to walk home alone from nursery. The nurseries ime don't keep the children on site until they are collected; they simply open the door and let the children leave.

Original poster

maxpower · 20/03/2011 16:12

yellowstone I don't think you're emotionally neglecting your child - I think there's a great difference to a year 4 and reception aged child being allowed to walk somewhere alone. I would also point out that we don't live in a village - we live in SE London - the school is set in the middle of a nature reserve meaning there are lots of secluded areas around the route to school but similarly there are lots of roads around so if god forbid someone did grab hold of her, they could get away from there very quickly. It's also not the case that everyone knows everyone else - it's far too built up an area to expect everyone to know everyone.

lesley I'm amazed that 4 or 5 year olds are routinely allowed/expected to walk home alone - what sort of distance/environment does that involve? what happens if they get home and their carer isn't there for some reason?

OP posts:

MaisyMooCow · 20/03/2011 16:18

OP, please say something to the headteacher, this is unacceptable.

emeraldislander · 20/03/2011 16:24

to be honest, as a YR teacher I'd be horrified if one my kids were walking themselves to school and I have had conversations with parents about this in the past.

As it is a child protection issue I would contact the school in the first instance rather than the parent herself. It may be easier for the school to say it to the parent rather than you talking to her directly which the parent may take very badly. There will also be a record of this for the future, and it is likely that the school will keep an eye on the situation for the time being.

Original poster

maxpower · 20/03/2011 16:48

thanks emerald I wouldn't approach the mum directly as, as others have said, I don't know if there are other or mitigating factors.

OP posts:

mummyosaurus · 20/03/2011 17:05

I agree it's not ops responsibility, but I too would offer to walk her if it's on my way.

I wonder if there is more to this than meets to eye and there is something up with the mum? Maybe the mum needs some help.

Anyone know what would happen if OP did involve the headteacher? Would SS be called?

lesley33 · 20/03/2011 17:10

maxpower - 4/5 year olds wouldn't be expected to walk home in a large city - unless in suburbia. But in villages and towns they would. All of the children seem to play out, so I guess if the child's parents weren't there. the child would just go and play outside.

I think parents emigrating to Britain from that type of culture would get a shock here and until they knew what was okay, would probably be thought as neglectful.

upyourdiva · 20/03/2011 17:11

Max that is exactly why you should put it to the mum rather than just going in guns blazing.

If she is clinically depressed or has an unseen disability how would you feel if you thought parents were speaking about you and not to you?

I'm not suggesting you go to the door and accuse her of anything just to say that you normally walk to school and you have noticed her DD walking alone and asking if there is any reason in particular for this or would she like some help.

edam · 20/03/2011 17:17

Afraid child protection practice would be to raise it with the designated senior person at the school, rather than talk to the mother. You can make things a lot worse for the child by getting involved yourself, rather than alerting the people who have a responsibility to sort this out.

SilveryMoon · 20/03/2011 17:28

I wouldn't bother trying to raise your concerns with the mother.
For the sake of the child, I would inform the head teacher of the school and leave it in their hands.

VivaLeBeaver · 20/03/2011 17:36

My gut instinct says its wrong and its certainly not something I'd do. There was a social services enquiry into 2 kids near me who were allowed to walk to the school bus stop on their own and they were about 7 and 9. That was only a few months ago, made the national papers.

But I used to walk myself to and from school when I was 5. As did a lot of other kids at my school, this was back in the 80s.

So why was it more acceptable then than now? Can't be traffic as OP doesn't mention any roads. If its stranger danger worries then the risk of child abduction, etc are no greater now then 30 years ago. So is it just a culture shift?

When my mum was 3 she had to get herself from one side of Nottingham to the other every day as it was WWII and my Gran had to go and work in some factory before nursery started. So mum had to make her own way there on the bus.

new2cm · 20/03/2011 17:47

So is it just a culture shift?

Possible, but also a greater emphasis on the prevention of accidents and ensuring the welfare of children.

FourFortyFour · 20/03/2011 17:54

At our school children up to and including year 2 are not released until a parent is there.

bilblio · 20/03/2011 18:06

YADNBU We live across the road from DD's nursery/school. They changed classrooms at Christmas but until then I could have looked out of the window and still been able to see her the entire route until she was at her classroom. But there's no way I would have done.
DD is only 3, but I imagine it'll be a few years until we stop taking her right into school.

WillowFae · 20/03/2011 19:09

YANBU. My daughter is nearly 4 and I was 'brave' enough last year to let her run across to put something in a bin which was on the other side of the main room in church this morning! Could see her 100% of the time, but it was still a big deal. No way I'd let a child walk to school on their own no matter how close it was!

Original poster

maxpower · 20/03/2011 19:32

that's interesting lesley - I'm pretty sure this mum is born and bred here though, so there's no such cultural misunderstanding

viva & newcm I agree to an extent re the culture shift. I walked to school with friends (including one girl older than me) from about the age of 7 onwards (in the 80s) and that involved crossing one very busy & dangerous road by ourselves and walking alongside farmfields. I'd certainly not let my DD do it nowadays. I guess as a society we're more frightened about what might happen now, albeit that the actual risks haven't dramatically increased.

upyourdiva I have a feeling that her mum wouldn't react well to anything she could perceive as criticism of her parenting style. She's very hard to relate to - most of the parents get on quite amicably - she won't really engage. I've tried to strike up conversation with her in the playground but she just doesn't respond. You get a bit of a 'what are you looking at' vibe from her. Besides, if there are underlying issues, I don't want to sound heartless, but I've got enough to deal with without taking on anybody else's problems. Plus I'm hardly in a position to signpost her to whoever would be best placed to help. I think I'll contact the school's welfare officer.

OP posts:

kitkat1000 · 20/03/2011 19:48

not read all the thread but would definitely say something to the school - my daughter is in reception and her schools policy is that they have to be accompanied to and from school until they are 8 - they even have to be collected at the door til that age , not just on the playground!

MissyKLo · 20/03/2011 19:58

Please please please tell the school and please do so tomorrow

This is an accident waiting to happen - what a bloody selfish and irresponsible mother she is

Please do this tomorrow and please let us know

missmehalia · 21/03/2011 13:34

So pleased you're talking to the school about it. Though I see the compassionate angle of volunteering to walk the little girl yourself, who will step in if one day you can't unexpectedly? It's taking on someone else's responsibility, and I'm so glad you can still see your boundaries within such an emotive situation.

Flip

1 2 3 4