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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he being a twat?

54 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 20:50

You will have to excuse me im possibly a bit arsy but im soo bloody jarred off with dp ive lost grip with whos in the wrong here.

Understandably me and dp are a touch stressed, weve been 'homeless' for 3wks and staying in a bnb.

Im not sure if hes tired or what but his attitude stinks, everything i do he rants at me for it.

anyway, we are all in one bedroom, dd is rather unsettled and keeps ending up in our bed, a couple of nights ago i woke up at 4am with no room to move so just got up and got in the bottom bunk, sometime in the night dd woke and bit my phone, and its broken completely, i was rather upset as it was given to me and there is no way on earth we can replace it dp told me it was my 'own fucking fault' for leaving it out, it was on top of a chest of drawers on charge, but anyway being a stupid girl i cried and he went off on one calling me spoilt etc so i just went and got showered, then after breakfast hes clearly in a mood, apparently i was 'bang out of line' expecting to just go and have a shower leaving him to feed the dcs. i mean wtf!!!! hes always been fantastic and we just go about our routine each picking up where the last left off.

the mood has carried on 3 days, and came to a head today when he realised hed not bothered to tell me the car insurance was due and we had until close of business to sort it, i tried everything i could and couldnt raise the cash cue slamming doors etc (at my mums house)
then dd runs through proclaiming she has pood and rushes out to the trampoline, ds and my sister guide her to the door in the enclosure and she trips, i grab her arm and lift her quickly so she doesnt fall, at this point dp slams into, twists my wrist and shoves me in the shoulder screaming at me to get the hell off her, my mum saw everything and has no idea why he reacted like it, hes adamant i man handled her, i did not.
anyway he then begins gathering up the childrens things saying hes leaving so i get my stuff and follow as we walk out the door he snatches ds hand from me and attempts to strap dd in while keeping ds away from me, i take ds and strap him in all the while hes talking at dd saying im evil and nasty and did mummy hurt you, dd keeps saying no daddy. i get in the car, not really wanting to but to scared to allow him to drive off with the children, he then drives slowly around and stops a few times really scaring me.

ive just tried talking to him and he just wont, hes decided hes too tired and has been asleep an hour.

i dont know what the hell i did, or is going on, hes snapped and is making me miserable. nd hes usually and has been for 6yrs lovely kind and helpful, please if you can see my errror, tell me.

OP posts:
girliefriend · 18/03/2011 20:57

errr no he sounds like a psycho - you need to take your children and go and stay at your mums imo.

mamas12 · 18/03/2011 20:57

get your kids and go stay with your mum until he has calmed down and apolofised to all of you.
unnacrptable behaviour, you don't deserve that at all.

twinkytonk · 18/03/2011 20:59

he's being a twat. There is no need for that and you did nothing wrong, go and stay with your mum for a bit.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:03

What the others said. Warning claxons are going off in my head - can't you hear them too?

fragglerocks · 18/03/2011 21:03

YANBU, he is being a twat. I think you need to take the kids and go to stay at Mums if you can.
It sounds like you are both under a huge amount of stress which whilst it doesn't excuse his behaviour may go a small way to explain why he's behaving how he is.
He is totally in the wrong though, maybe you need a night at mums, give him a chance to think and realise he needs to apologise and he needs to work with you, not against you through this tough time.
Hope you're ok OP, take care

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2011 21:03

is he normally like this??

i second getting away from him...

FabbyChic · 18/03/2011 21:05

What he has done is wrong, and Im not making excuses but the stress the man must be under is horrendous. Not being able to provide a roof for your family must be real hard. Struggling all the time with everything.

Think about it isn't it the mans job to provide? Yet he cannot provide you with your own roof.

It must be incredibly hard for all of you, is it possible you can actually get some time alone just the two of you? Try to get some kind of normality going on rather than what is going on?

saffy85 · 18/03/2011 21:07

Get yourself and your DC away from him until he calms down. An apology wouldn't go amiss either. You both sound like you've been through alot but he was bang out of line.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:11

No Fabbychic it is not a man's job to provide. It is two parents' job to provide for their family.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 18/03/2011 21:16

YANBU Your P is being a twat.

Fabby the OP is also under a great deal of stress but I don't see her physically assaulting him. What he did was inexcusable.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 21:17

He can be arsy, but who cant, hes never ever had a temper like this ever!
Its possibly not helped by the fact the house we lost was his mum and dads, they sold it, nice. and hes been turned down for 3 fairly good jobs due to no permanant address.

however he is being a twat.

i cannot leave now, dcs are asleep, which is a real battle to acheive, he is asleep and wearing his clothes in which are the car keys, i cant drive but the buggys in the car, im going to see how he is in the morning and then head to my mums, which i was doing anyway except he can do as he farking pleases.

alarm bells did ring yes, i felt scared, not something im used to.

Apparently though getting up when the children do to then have a shower is unreasonable, when we have plenty of time...?

OP posts:
lusciousliz · 18/03/2011 21:35

he isnt being a twat, he is worried and stressed out of his mind

give him some slack fgs

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:37

Some slack? For grabbing the OP's wrist, pushing her shoulder, screaming at her in front of their children and telling their daughter her mother is evil and nasty?

Er, no. I won't.

twinkytonk · 18/03/2011 21:39

Yes he's worried and stressed but there is no excuse to behave that way and scare the op.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 21:39

im pretty stressed to unbelievably, id never tell anyone he was evil let alone our children who are arguing the point so clearly listening

OP posts:
twinkytonk · 18/03/2011 21:40

or behave that way in front of the children.

It's not on, in fact i'd say completely unacceptable.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 18/03/2011 21:47

thats not stress, thats domestic violence.

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2011 21:48

winter.....its the beginnings of,imo,having been there myself....keep an eye out op.

FabbyChic · 18/03/2011 21:50

I know it takes two parents to provide, but generally the man feels he should be providing a roof for his family, specially if the woman is a SAHM, sorry if my post came across wrong.

FabbyChic · 18/03/2011 21:51

Sorry things are really bad for you, must be real hard times for all of you.

How is looking for housing coming along?

Ninkynonksmummy · 18/03/2011 21:52

Stress is awful but this behaviour is unacceptable. You do not deserve this. When problems start affecting the children then decisions need to be made. I Hope your ok? If this has never happened before then I would think he will be apologising and trying to make things right the 2nd that he wakes up.

beesimo · 18/03/2011 21:55

I am talking to you now as a older lady I love my husband and I always have but there have been many a time I could of put his head in a bucket and kicked it down the yard. Its times like this that you will look back on a think how the hell did we survive that. You say he has been a good DH so far that is the real man the problem is that you are now frightened but guess what so is HE. Don't run back to Mams tommorow morning don't start blaming or trying to convince just say to him 'yesterday was a really bad day for us can we try to make today a bit better' stay calm as you can. Then it a few days time tell him he frightened you and I am sure he will be sorry for it. Your real problems are caused by lack of money not lack of love. This is not the time to fall out is there any way your DM could have the children say for 2 hours twice a week so you and DH could go for a walk and have some time to chat over problems instead of having these flare ups?

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 21:58

Fabby, you did hit the nail on the head, hes beaten himself up for ages, i am a sahm. and also it was HIS family who made us homeless.

we are still awaiting the councils decission as to if its our own fault, no way we can go private due to the prices in our area, wed struggle to afford a one bed flat.

im feeling pretty tearful, weve been together for 6years and he is a mardy so n so but not violent. he might slam a door but never been rough. im now analysing everything hes ever done in a row and stressing majorly, i cant tear my family apart aswell as being homeless.

OP posts:
Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 22:01

Beesimo, thats a really helpful post, thank you.

my mum will have the children (she just lays on the guilt thick when she does) she has a 5yr old and 2yr old herself so shes pretty busy. Im tempted to ask, even if we just do the food shopping alone we talk alot when in the car alone and its a long drive.

im always asking him to talk to me but he never does.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/03/2011 22:04

he never talks to you.....but he managed to communicate his feelings in the incident you describe....be carefull!