or is he being a twat?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

You will have to excuse me im possibly a bit arsy but im soo bloody jarred off with dp ive lost grip with whos in the wrong here.

Understandably me and dp are a touch stressed, weve been 'homeless' for 3wks and staying in a bnb.

Im not sure if hes tired or what but his attitude stinks, everything i do he rants at me for it.

anyway, we are all in one bedroom, dd is rather unsettled and keeps ending up in our bed, a couple of nights ago i woke up at 4am with no room to move so just got up and got in the bottom bunk, sometime in the night dd woke and bit my phone, and its broken completely, i was rather upset as it was given to me and there is no way on earth we can replace it dp told me it was my 'own fucking fault' for leaving it out, it was on top of a chest of drawers on charge, but anyway being a stupid girl i cried and he went off on one calling me spoilt etc so i just went and got showered, then after breakfast hes clearly in a mood, apparently i was 'bang out of line' expecting to just go and have a shower leaving him to feed the dcs. i mean wtf!!!! hes always been fantastic and we just go about our routine each picking up where the last left off.

the mood has carried on 3 days, and came to a head today when he realised hed not bothered to tell me the car insurance was due and we had until close of business to sort it, i tried everything i could and couldnt raise the cash cue slamming doors etc (at my mums house)
then dd runs through proclaiming she has pood and rushes out to the trampoline, ds and my sister guide her to the door in the enclosure and she trips, i grab her arm and lift her quickly so she doesnt fall, at this point dp slams into, twists my wrist and shoves me in the shoulder screaming at me to get the hell off her, my mum saw everything and has no idea why he reacted like it, hes adamant i man handled her, i did not.
anyway he then begins gathering up the childrens things saying hes leaving so i get my stuff and follow as we walk out the door he snatches ds hand from me and attempts to strap dd in while keeping ds away from me, i take ds and strap him in all the while hes talking at dd saying im evil and nasty and did mummy hurt you, dd keeps saying no daddy. i get in the car, not really wanting to but to scared to allow him to drive off with the children, he then drives slowly around and stops a few times really scaring me.

ive just tried talking to him and he just wont, hes decided hes too tired and has been asleep an hour.

i dont know what the hell i did, or is going on, hes snapped and is making me miserable. nd hes usually and has been for 6yrs lovely kind and helpful, please if you can see my errror, tell me.

Beesimo, what good, caring and balanced advice. I wish I had people like you in my life.

Jjandthebeansloveunicorns - Good luck and I hope all works out for you

me to ninky, thats how i wish my mum was.

ilove, i will be. whenever i ask him to talk he usually sayes he doesnt want to because i have enough to deal with, how do i tell him id be dealing with less if he spoke.

My dp never likes to talk to me either when I ask. He always gets defensive verbally and ends up in a child like tantrum. I have found if I don't request we 'talk' and just start the conversation he is much easier to get talking.

Beesimo A voice of reason - great post! I'm also in a long marriage which has had its low points due to unemployment and stress etc but communication is definately the key

Good luck OP, I really hope you can work through this

I don't think the council will make you intentionally homeless if it was sold by his parent unless you did something that led to them selling but then they have to prove that you did this intentionally (read Shelter Housing Website and other council websites on intentionally homeless legislation and what you have to prove). The onus is on them to prove that you did something intentionally and not for you to prove that you didn't (if that makes sense)
Always appeal a decision and get advice from Shelter who will argue your case for free

If you go into Private rented - then you could get housing benefit help for your rent

You can get private rented even if your intentionally homeless

Yes I wish my Mum too

Could you explain a little about what happened with the house? Were you renting it and they sold it without you being aware?

thanks for all the advice there ninky, we spoke to our advisor today and apparenty shes having difficulty as we didnt have 2mnths notice and its family, but since the house is long gone no one can argue we could have stayed iyswim, she said a decission should be made monday, i can only hope!

right, trampoline incident may have looked like maanhndling her ...BUT there is no excuse for your dp to hurt you.

shouting and saying mummy is evil is abusive to you and the children.

Having a mood for 3 days is not acceptable either.

if you can't stay at your mum's go and stay somewhere else. (refuge?)my h was made redundant and stressed by that. he was violent. redundancy is not an excuse. losing your home is not an excuse. there is never an excuse apart from self defence and that has to be in proportion to the danger. your dp took it too far.

I am worried that you have given him the go ahead to do more. after the first incident the next and the next is easier. it is a terrible thing to be living in fear. Plan your exit carefully you don't have to put it into effect until you need it. And keep it secret. if you let this one incident go it can give the green light to him doing it again. Oh and my h started with pushing, I ended up in A&E getting glued back together. Don't let that happen to you.

Womens aid 0800 2000 247

Fingers crossed for Monday. please post how your getting on

Loopyloops.

we started renting the house march 2010, due to our own financial issues they offered it us cheap, great we took it, it meant a 100mile move though. they were moving out to start a new business, running a pub, win win situation.

due to some huge family bereavements i spent a good 90% of my time back where i came from so his dad asked if wed like to move, we said no. anyway the pub started struggling quite soon after they started, then the pub over the road was re launched in a small village and they sunk like a stone, to even attempt breaking even the house had to go, so it went up for sale sometime in the summer, we decided to stay in the area and searched private rents, then just before christmas we were pretty much begged to keep the house, so we made plans to stay, got ds a place in school etc, then jan 3rd we went and visited mil and she announced its been sold, we were gob smacked the for sale sign had gone etc, so we make plans to leave and the sale comes quickly and by mid feb we are out, and go stay with my mum, thats pretty much it.

blackeyed, i have put it in my phone, under tescos. and i plan on keeping the buggy in the bnb from now on, i can walk to my mums in 10minutes if i need to and she would always have me, and i have a key if she wasnt there. i am so sorry to hear such terrible things happened to you, i appreciate the advice.

thanks ninky

I might be wrong but did you post just before you moved under a different name?

I'm not very good at remembering who's who but I remember someone with a similar story.

Were there problems before you moved?

ive always been JjandtheBean with variations on the end though. ive been absent from mumsnet since the summer though but i have posted a few times back then about my shit in laws and the huge mistake i made taking that house, even though i loved it dearly

i just woke him sobbing my heart out having read edgars thread, he gave me a huge hug and fell back to sleep, we will see how things go tomorrow im to wet and pathetic blubbering mess to refuse a hug from my normally lovely man, he can appolagise by breakfast

I'm sure I remember you (primarily because my dad has a pub so I know how difficult it is these days for them just to break even).

I think you need to bear in mind what others have already told you, that stress is no reason for him to become physical with you - everyone has some level of stress and they dont all react like this.

Once the line has been crossed, he can never go back and after he's done it once it becomes easier for him to do it again especially if you let him apologise and forget about it.

DV doesnt usually start with a full on battering but more likely a push or shove and it escalates from there - I'm not saying thats what's going to happen but more trying to make you aware of what could be so its good you have made a note of WA's number.

The council will be treating you as intentionally homeless as you didnt wait for the bailliffs to arrive which is what they (unreasonably) expect folk to do when they are given notice on a privately rented house.

Shelter can be excellent source of information regarding housing.

Don't know anything about MH issues but could it be that he has had a nervous break down? It sounds like he's gone into meltdown to me and what with it being so totally out of character....?

hes appolagised today and is very quiet, misfitless i will bear that in mind as it is totally out of character, he is well known amongst friends and family for being the sweet one, and he can tollerate dds night time antics triple the amount of time i can (i end up in the bathroom wanting to scream, counting to ten ready to start again) he is known for his patience.

hes said we will talk he just finds it hard and feels selfish doing it because i have alot to deal with on my own, i lost two relatives last year and have just started bereavement councilling.

well, as bee said today is another day, lets make it a better one.

thank you for all your kind concern i will be vigilant and leave at the first signs of a repeat.

How are you doing?

not to bad thanks, i have said several times now about the fact that he scared me and its finally hit him and he appolagised properly, basically i could tell it was heart felt.

things have been alot calmer, weve been on a good 2mile walk, well wander around a country park, ran round the play area with the kids and made a mess attempting to feed him melon while he drove.

hes said hed like to see a doctor about feeling like hes loosing it but is scared. ive said i will go with him if he wants or stay away and ill see where that goes. weve also decided to have a lifestyle change better food and more exercise and its making us feel better quite quickly and i really think if he spends an hour or so gym/swim that will help him de-stress and i plan to do the same.

OP, I feel for you so much. It sounds like a really stressful time for both of you. From what you say, this is totally out of character for him, so if you can I would forgive him the last few days (but keep those numbers handy that the others gave you just in case!) and hold on to the good times like the walk, country park and 'melon moments' today

I imagine that being cooped in one room is really stressful so more exercise like you suggest could work really well. It sounds like money is tight, but running, walking etc are all free and I think it is cheaper to go to the gym or swimming during the day than in the evening.

Just a suggestion, but as your mum lives close could you use her address as your 'permanent address' on job applications etc? Surely no-one will ever know you don't live there and you'll be able to pick up mail easily? That way DP (or you) couldn't be turned down for jobs simply for having no permanent address.

Good luck. Keep us updated x

Op I am so pleased he has apologised I expect hes bitterly ashamed off frightening you. I am also pleased that you went out for a walk as exercise will make you feel so much better and it will tire the kids out. Try not to eat crap especially sugar as it will lift you then drop you down again.I expect the worry of it all will be keeping you awake if it instead of counting your troubles count your blessings and honey DCs and DPs are a blessing. Try to make the BB as nice as you can think of it as your temporary nest not your prison. I don't think for one minute your husband has MH problems you'd have to a sociopath if you weren't stressed out in your situation it is perfectly normal that you both spun out the other day.

I was worried about you last night you are a lovely lass and your deserve to have a good life. Now Chin up eyes front march on.

Think about it isn't it the mans job to provide? Yet he cannot provide you with your own roof.

WTF?!!!! It's both partners job to provide. Yes, the stress must be hard but there is no excuse for his behaviour ... It's domestic violence and you need to get out.

Just to say, DH and I had a couple of months of homelessness late last year. It is so bloody stressful it can crack even the strongest people. We were at my Mum's not a B&B but it was still awful for our relationship. I hope you can get through it.