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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my husband being a bit selfish?

98 replies

gallifrey · 18/03/2011 13:19

He does a lot of running and is really into adventure racing and mountain marathons.

This weekend he is doing a 2 hr adventure race somewhere which is 2 hours away.

Normally I would go with him but at nearly 38 weeks pregnant I don't really feel like it.

He's basically said that if I go into labour while he's away then he probably wouldn't get back in time, but if I went with him and went into labour there we could just go to the nearest hospital.

I'm annoyed that he is even thinking of going anyway, and if he's that worried about me going into labour he would stay at home.

Next week he has a 5 hour adventure race in the New Forest and apparently I've got to go to that and hang around for 5 hours there :(

Not impressed at all :(

OP posts:

HappySeven · 18/03/2011 15:18

If he wants to go and risk missing the birth then I think that's up to him but he really can't expect you to go with him or your daughter to give up her sleepover (can't be very exciting for a 7 year old to go along to a race).

I really wouldn't go. I can see there are hospitals everywhere but if the birth didn't go to plan and you ended up with a caesarean you could be in for a few days and nowhere near home. Not many of us do plan an emergency caesarean and statistically you're probably less likely to have it this weekend at 37 weeks than have one.

nobodyimportant · 18/03/2011 15:33

I don't think it is entirely up to him to miss the birth if he wants! What about supporting the OP while she's in labour. I don't think that's too much to ask, especially if she's in the habit of supporting his hobby!

My DCs were both early. I don't think it unreasonable to expect DH to hang around for 4 weeks out of his entire life to make sure he is there for the birth. It's very unlikely to be more than 3 weeks. It's nothing really!

Also 2nd babies tend to come a lot faster. My first was an epic ending in a cs. My 2nd was born in 2.5 hrs from first twinge to delivery. It's not that unlikely he'd be too far away to get there in time for the actual birth. Never mind support during labour. Never mind how the OP is going to get herself to the hospital. My DH had to get me dressed and drag me out to the car it was all going so fast.

OP YA most definitely NBU!

fedupofnamechanging · 18/03/2011 16:06

Your DH sounds selfish. Can't think why you have chosen to have another baby with someone who doesn't prioritise being with you at the birth. When this baby is born, don't let him fuck off every weekend, leaving you to look after two children on your own.

Inertia · 18/03/2011 16:09

He is being a selfish arse. YANBU.

If you go into labour while he is several hours away, who is going to look after your older child?

purplepidjin · 18/03/2011 16:23

YANBU, however I suggest you make a deal with him (Southampton and Poole Hospitals are both very good afaik)

Get him to book you a spa day here so that you can relax in comfort

PS what's the race? If DP weren't injured he'd probably be running it. He's in the New Forest Runners, they're a lovely group of people

plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 16:25

My Dh wouldn't go anywhere when I was near my due date just in case. I don't think I would like to be left on my own and face the possibility of giving birth on my own.

southmum · 18/03/2011 16:25

Hes being a total cock munch.

Tell him youre not going to the 5 hour race (why would you if not PG anyway???) and if you go into labour he will have to make his way back.

Actually I think it would be a bit irresponsible if you to go to the 5 hour race tbh. Dont get me wrong, Im all for keep calm and carry on when pg if you can, but that close to the EDD and for something so shite? Nah, you have a responsibility to be close to the hospital

And tell him to shove his races up his firmly formed racing arse

drcrab · 18/03/2011 16:37

YANBU... something similar happened when I was 36 weeks preg, when DH left me in Kent and buggered went off to Cornwall for his brother's stag weekend, and we have one very active 2.5 year old and no help. I ended up having to plan a whole load of activities around that weekend with my son's friends so that he'd be occupied and I'd have some 'help'.

He was even contemplating attending the wedding in Manchester(which was on the same weekend that I was due) if I so happened to have had the baby by then. He even thought that if there were no complications (ie, I give birth today, out tomorrow), we would ALL go up to Manchester.... a 6 hr drive away. And everytime he spoke to his family/brother, he'd say 'yeah, we hope to come...' (like WHAT?!).

YANBU.

Pandamoanium · 18/03/2011 18:58

I asked my DH for his opinion on this and he said he thought your DH was being totally U! And this is from the man who initially thought, when we first got together, that it was not U to expect me to make cricket teas all summer - as I said earlier, this was soon sorted out :)

We ended up supporting each other with our interests and also those of our DSs when they came along - without any one of us dominating all the leisure time.

plopplopquack · 18/03/2011 19:02

drcrab did you/he make the wedding?

Original poster

gallifrey · 18/03/2011 20:01

Please don't all hate him, he's normally the best most supportive husband and dad ever!

But I'm afraid when it comes to his running he's totally obsessed/dedicated.

I don't mind going with him normally, when he does orienteering our daughter does a yellow course too which she loves, and tbh I don't mind sitting and reading a book in the car for a few hours, I wouldn't in a million years go with him to a 5 hour race tho, but in his mind I'm nearer to him and near a hospital.
He's doing it as a pair with his mate, and doesn't want to let him down either.
I really don't begrudge him his hobby, he put up with me and my horse and competing every weekend for 6 years!!

The way I feel at the moment, I might have this baby very soon and then he won't be bloody going anywhere lol!

OP posts:

KMR281 · 18/03/2011 20:06

Right, not read all messages, so apologies if put foot in it - but your husband is being totally selfish.

My own dh does tons of running and trathlons and hugely long cycling trips etc so you do have my sympathies. If I were you, I'd put your foot right down. If he's prepared to miss the birth of his own child for a bloody race, he should expect to find his precious sports gear on the driveway when he gets home (burning).

When I was preggers with DS2 hd wanted to do a race up in Orkney, which was roundabout the due date - and just as well I said no effing way, as that is when ds2 duly turned up. And by the way, he can totally forget about any more events until you say he can leave you on your own. I hate to say it, but what a twat.

KMR281 · 18/03/2011 20:07

doh, so enraged, it's obv DH not HD!! need more wine..

PinkToeNails · 18/03/2011 20:13

YANBU

mumsgotatum · 18/03/2011 20:19

Sorry to say but your DH is being rather selfish and only thinking of himself. I would definately lay down the law if you can...and say no to the new forest thing. Goodness you are in very late pregnancy. Your Dh should be supporting you andbeing there for YOU. This is your time now

jenga079 · 18/03/2011 20:35

Why on earth would you go with him? DP and I both do adventure racing, but I can't imagine anything duller than going to watch one. There's nothing to see is there? Just some people in odd outfits running off and then running back? All the interesting stuff happens in the forest / up the mountain doesn't it?

I can sort of understand why he'd want to go, but PLEASE don't go with him. Choccies, crap magazines, feet up. Bliss!

jenga079 · 18/03/2011 20:36

Oh, but YANBU, I would go MENTAL at DP if he went that far away when I was due. I may let him go for a round of golf at the local course, but no further!

Original poster

gallifrey · 20/03/2011 19:23

Thank you to the people who have offered genuine support and ideas.

To the rest of you, who the fuck do you think you are calling my husband names like that and questioning his ability as a father????

For your information you bunch of man hating bitches he is 1000 times better than any man you have ever been with (obviously as you wouldn't hate them so much)
He is the best father and husband in the world and for one little oversight he is being slagged off by a load of fucking miserable old cows who don't know him.

I was upset and wanted a bit of advice and support, not for my husband to be slated in such an unsavoury fashion.

For your information, I went with him today and he is going next week with my blessing.

Not bothering to come on this site anymore.

OP posts:

Skimummy · 20/03/2011 19:34

Er...was going to say YANBU but seems a bit pointless now.

But for the record...my DH does similar to KMR281 - lots of running and cycling but always very early in the morning so it is not too disruptive. And any races are chosen jointly so they are somewhere interesting and DD and I can stay in a lovely hotel near child-friendly activities! I take full advantage of the guilt factor to get him to do more than his fair share after long training sessions .

It can be annoying sometimes but I would rather him be fit and healthy.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/03/2011 19:38

gallifrey, at the risk of stating the obvious, you came on this site to complain about your husband. You stated your case and people agreed with you had a right to be pissed off.

He is clearly not the best husband and father in the world, if we are to judge by what you posted.

No need for you to come one here and be so bloody rude.

Fact is, the truth hurts. Don't take it out on us, but direct your anger to where it truly belongs.

If you cannot handle honest opinion, best you do go elsewhere. Try netmums. You might feel more at home there

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 20/03/2011 19:38

Blimey! Have just read this thread and got to your most recent post OP - what happened there?! You posted at 8.01pm on Friday night in quite good humour, appreciative of the responses you've had, then you've posted tonight ranting and raving. There were only 6 posts after your last post, was it one of them that annoyed you? Had you just not read the other posts properly? Or are you just in a different mood tonight from Friday night? Because your latest post is very OTT, as is flouncing. Calm down.

HumphreyCobbler · 20/03/2011 19:43

was that the OP's DH by any chance?

FairhairedandFrustrated · 20/03/2011 19:49

It felt like a man's post

colditz · 20/03/2011 19:51

The best husband and father in the world????? really???

He expected you to sit in a car, heavily pregnant and disabled, and potentially labour in an unknown hospital, OR go to your own hospital and potentially labour and give birth alone.

yes, yes he's a keeper. PLEASE keep him - nobody else would want him.

colditz · 20/03/2011 19:52

As for manhating - nope, I love men, I just don't like selfish twats.

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