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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really really dislike my friend's son?

61 replies

extremepie · 16/03/2011 12:05

I feel really guilty about this but I really can't stand my friend's son.
He is 10 going on 13, has a massive attitude and is just a generally very unpleasent person.
Part of me feels bad for disliking him because he's just a child and has not had the greatest of childhoods, but the other part of me says that is no excuse for acting like a knob most of the time!
I can't find a single redeeming quality in him, and he treats my kids like dirt which makes me even more angry and I find that when one of my kids is upset and he is in the house I automatically assume that he is responsible.
Am I a bad person for thinking this?
Just a few examples of his behaviour:

Picking up my then 3 year old and performing wrestling moves on him when repeatedly asked not to,
Writing on a piece of paper a 'letter' from 'santa' addressed to him assuring him that my sons would not be allowed any presents at Christmas,
Stealing my sons' Easter eggs and eating them,
Eating food in front of my kids that I've said they couldn't have,
Stealing money from my penny jar,
Telling my son to get out of bed and go downstairs so he would get into trouble,
Telling my son he would hold him down in bed until he went to sleep..

..I could go on!

Am I just being overly-sensitive because its my babies involved or is he really a selfish, inconsiderate, nasty little brat?

OP posts:
KnittedBreast · 16/03/2011 12:06

he sounds like he wants attention, not your place to deliver. dont let him in your home

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 16/03/2011 12:06

YANBU - you like who you like and as long as you dont give vibes to your mate it doesnt matter.

One of my close friends has a son who I dont really like......have known him since birth (post natal friend) and DS loves him...just never felt any warmth to him not that my mate would ever know

BristolJim · 16/03/2011 12:08

You're asking if it's unreasonable to dislike someone who steals from you?

Why?

Original poster
extremepie · 16/03/2011 12:11

KnittedBreast I think you are right that he craves attention but unfortunately can't not have him around at the moment as he lives with us! Not my choice but will be moving out soon (thank god!)

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 16/03/2011 12:15

These are serious issues, I say that because the last one is Shock

Does his mum not see this behaviour or attempt to do somehing about it?

He sounds very emotionally unhappy, I don't think YABU as if someone was treating my children that way, I would be worried for their welfare.

The stealing thing doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as the rest of the hings you have listed.

Have you spoken to his mum about this stuff?

docket · 16/03/2011 12:17

YANBU to feel this way given he's menacing your DC. That said, it sounds like he needs help.

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 12:17

Why is someone living with you against your choice?

logster2008 · 16/03/2011 12:17

If hes in your care then its your place to set the rules to him.

FabbyChic · 16/03/2011 12:18

Sounds like he has been on the receiving end of bad parenting, and not receiving enough attention at home, so much so it has made him the way he is.

He hasn't chosen to be like this, his parents and the way he has been brought up have made him this way.

If he causes you this much angst don't have him in your home.

Or when he is in your home, you parent him.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 16/03/2011 12:18

YANBU. You can't like everyone.

thinkingkindly · 16/03/2011 12:22

I think it is hard living with kids that aren't your own - as most step-parents already know. And if he is living with you, then it sounds like there is upheaval and disruption in his life. So the less pleasant aspects of his personality are bound to come out.

Stealing is an attention-seeking thing for a lot of kids; my DSS did it both times that I was pg with my DDs for example. The advice is to tackle the behaviour rather than labelling the child. It is very hard though. When you are angry with a child you can't really help him or her, I don't think. Just get through as best you can.

wellwisher · 16/03/2011 12:28

Do his parents live with you too? Confused

Original poster
extremepie · 16/03/2011 12:28

It's a complicated situation.
He and his dad are living with us temporarily, the mum and dad share custody of their son so he is with us for 4 days, then with his mum for 4 days.
His dad has spoken to her about him in the past but every post of hers I've ever seen on facebook is glowing (my little man, blah blah..). I'm sure she thinks the sun shines out his whatsit and he can do no wrong.
Oh, I almost forgot that at one point we used to babysit him on a saturday while his dad was at work.
During a meeting with social services (with his parents, not our issue), he lied to social services and basically told them that on the day he stayed with us he would look after our kids all day, make them food while we slept. He also claimed that we were upstairs (in a ground floor flat?) and that we had drug/drink problems.
This all led to us being investegated my social services!

But yes, you are right in that the things that worry me the most are what he's saying or doing to my children when I'm not around..

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 16/03/2011 12:30

Oh and this behaviour has been going on since I've known him (about 6 years), waaaaay before he lived with us, even before his parents broke up. He hasn't always had it easy, which is why I do feel bad for him sometimes :(

OP posts:
wellwisher · 16/03/2011 12:34

Is he having any kind of counselling? The lying to SS is worrying.

You need to be firmer, I think. He should understand that in YOUR house he has to follow YOUR rules and there should be consequences if he doesn't. His father should support you in this. I think given how old the child is, he should be able to get his head around that - and you would be within your rights to tell his dad that if things don't improve they will have to go.

4 days here/4 days there sounds like quite a disruptive residence schedule for a school-age child. Is that a permanent arrangement?

Original poster
extremepie · 17/03/2011 12:27

At the moment I think the 4 days/4 days thing is permanent, it's difficult and I'm not sure why they've done it that way but that's not my place to decide!

OP posts:
Strawbezza · 17/03/2011 12:31

How is he disciplined?

If he lives with you the same rules must apply to all the children. Seeing as it's your house that means your rules.

bupcakesandcunting · 17/03/2011 12:32

"Writing on a piece of paper a 'letter' from 'santa' addressed to him assuring him that my sons would not be allowed any presents at Christmas"

Sorry but this made me guffaw Blush

YANBU. He sounds like a little rotter. Bring down the ban hammer.

Vallhala · 17/03/2011 12:37

YANBU and I salute you for tolerating him. He would no longer have been welcome in my house after the SS accusations, if not earlier, regardless of his parents' problems and housing situation. IMHO my children are my responsibility and priority, not someone elae's and if my children and I are being made unhappy by a guest in my house that guest would be told to leave.

PoisoningPigeonsInThePark · 17/03/2011 12:40

I was about to write pretty much what Vallhala has just written. Except I would be giving his father a date now by which he and his son are to be moved out by.

SeeJaneKick · 17/03/2011 12:44

It sounds like he's at your home too much.

Why is he hving access to your son whn he is in bed? If your friend cannot find a babysitter then I think it sounds like you NEED to spend less time around her.

SeeJaneKick · 17/03/2011 12:45

Oh he LIVES with you! Well good God....it's too much! Your son is suffering because of this arrangement.

SeeJaneKick · 17/03/2011 12:46

You are worried what he is saying and doing to your kids when you're not there and yet you are allowing him to be with them still??

Get them out. They're not your problem.

brass · 17/03/2011 12:51

surely being investigated by SS because of his lies would be a deal breaker?

Why do you feel obliged to put up with all this?

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 17/03/2011 12:59

Umm WTF is his dad doing about all this, if he is living with you too? All you have said is that he has spoken to the boy's mum - but he is his parent too, and if they have 50/50 custody then he is responsible for setting boundaries and discipline just as much as the mother. I would be getting him to sort this out or ship out.