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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really really dislike my friend's son?

61 replies

extremepie · 16/03/2011 12:05

I feel really guilty about this but I really can't stand my friend's son.
He is 10 going on 13, has a massive attitude and is just a generally very unpleasent person.
Part of me feels bad for disliking him because he's just a child and has not had the greatest of childhoods, but the other part of me says that is no excuse for acting like a knob most of the time!
I can't find a single redeeming quality in him, and he treats my kids like dirt which makes me even more angry and I find that when one of my kids is upset and he is in the house I automatically assume that he is responsible.
Am I a bad person for thinking this?
Just a few examples of his behaviour:

Picking up my then 3 year old and performing wrestling moves on him when repeatedly asked not to,
Writing on a piece of paper a 'letter' from 'santa' addressed to him assuring him that my sons would not be allowed any presents at Christmas,
Stealing my sons' Easter eggs and eating them,
Eating food in front of my kids that I've said they couldn't have,
Stealing money from my penny jar,
Telling my son to get out of bed and go downstairs so he would get into trouble,
Telling my son he would hold him down in bed until he went to sleep..

..I could go on!

Am I just being overly-sensitive because its my babies involved or is he really a selfish, inconsiderate, nasty little brat?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/03/2011 13:05

I don't have anything to add, I am just surprised it has gone on for so long.
YANBU to dislike the boy, DD has a couple of friends that I loathe but I seldom say anything. Her choice of friends wouldn't be my choice.

JaxTellersOldLady · 17/03/2011 13:05

Are you the Dads new girlfriend?

Why are they living with you?

Echo what Valhalla said. No way would either of them be staying in MY home, with MY child (ren) after lying to SS! Ultimate pisstake.

MadamDeathstare · 17/03/2011 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopylou6 · 17/03/2011 13:15

Why the hell do you have them living with you when you actually fear for your dc safety and the bloke caused you to be investigated by SS? Totally

MissyKLo · 17/03/2011 13:18

Why why why are you putting your kids through this? Think of your kids and sort it b4 something bad happens

brass · 17/03/2011 13:30

oh dear are you the dad's new girlfriend?

Vallhala · 17/03/2011 13:30

And please can you explain the fact that he lives with you "but not by my choice"?

Of course it's YOUR choice! It's YOUR home he's living in!

And YOU and YOUR children he's making unhappy and taking the piss out of.

ENormaSnob · 17/03/2011 13:34

I think you need to put your own children first tbh

Original poster

extremepie · 17/03/2011 15:39

Totally agree with what most of you are saying, I've struggled with this a lot over the last couple months (they have been living with us since nov 2010).
It's complicated, and I do feel obligated because I was living in a flat with my husband and kids until nov last year. Friend and son were living in the house we now all share.
We got told at short notice we had to move out because our landlord was getting rid of the place and we had nowhere to go, no money for a deposit, etc.
We moved in with our friend as he was planning on moving out with his new girlfriend to a bigger place anyway, with the intention that he and his son would be gone by christmas and we would keep the house.
Long story short, he broke up with his girlfriend and they still haven't left.
He assures me they will be leaving soon but it's really getting to me because I feel kinda powerless to do anything about it - I can't kick them out because it's only our friend's kindness that means I'm not homeless right now!
It's only a 2 bedroom, so all the kids share as there isn't anywhere else for them to sleep on the nights the boy in question is staying here, but I count the days until he is gone, quite frankly :(

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 17/03/2011 15:51

Eh move out and rent somewhere else. WTF are you thinking?
Also your 3 year old is not safe sleeping in same room as him, he hurts him, protect your baby and have him sleep in your room.

SeeJaneKick · 17/03/2011 15:59

Is his name on the tenency?

I think your best bet is to see your local housing association before that though go and see your doctor...explain all of this and get a letter from him or her to give to the housing association...this could get you re-housed.

If you cannot afford a deposit you could get a loan from the council...the DSS give crisis loans for this kind of thing and then you pay them back weekly...just a few pounds.

Call in to your local CAB and they will also help you.

Sort it out! You need to get out. It sounds overcrowded anyway.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 17/03/2011 16:07

Firstly you need to make sure your dc are safe - have the little one sleep with you at the very least.

Then you need to tell your friend that it's not working and either you need a date when they'll be going (in a slightly more tactful way than that obviously) or you'll have to find somewhere else to rent. And you'll have to find the money for a deposit from somewhere, loan from family? There have to be other options apart from homeless or where you are now.

Lying to SS about you, I am truly [shocked]. It sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster

extremepie · 17/03/2011 16:13

SeeJaneKick - it is overcrowded! Our friend is not on the tenancy, officially he isn't here!

FannyFifer - not that easy I'm afraid, especially when you have zero money for a new deposit, plus virtually no landlord will touch you when you are on housing benefit :(

My, now 4 year old, son usually climbs into our bed in the night anyway!

Our friend has assured us he will be gone within 2 weeks but we've heard that before!

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 17/03/2011 16:21

So who IS on the tenancy?

As I say extremepie,you can get help with depososits....or advice on getting rehoused through your local Citizens Advice Beureau.

Go...google them....google CAB and the name of yur town.

Call them up and if it's an answerphone, check their opening times and go too the office..ring the bell and someone will come out and make you an appointment.

Take responibility for your childrens health!

Forget all the "he said he'd be gone...he's still not gone" talk...

Sort it out yourself!

wellwisher · 17/03/2011 16:49

Can the 10-year-old sleep in the living room? Is there a sofa/sofabed? It's not ideal for children with such a big age gap to share a room even if they are blood relatives.

Is your friend working? What is he doing about finding another place to live?

Lucyinthepie · 17/03/2011 16:58

Hang on a minute, I think you are saying that legally you are now the tenants. In which case don't move out. Sit your friend down when the children are in bed and explain to him in words of one syllable that you appreciate how much he helped you in the past, which is why it is so hard to say what you need to. Tell him the very worst things that his son has done, which might be the physically violent things to your children, and possibly the theft. Hopefully his reaction will be horror. It seems to me that the solution until he finds a new home is that his son moves in with his mother full time until the new place is found. Your children are at risk, you can't allow this to drag on and hopefully if his father is a true friend he will recognise that.
It will be too late when this boy oversteps the mark one day in a fit of temper.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/03/2011 17:03

Are none of you on the tenancy agreement?

Surely if he lived there already when you moved in, it must be him, and not you?

Or was his ex girlfriend on the tenancy?

Poor little boy, he clearly does not know who his family is! But, not your problem.

I suggest you try to move out.

Can you try for a council house? You were made homeless, and now you live temporarily through the kindness of strangers, and you are not on the tenancy, then are you not really homeless?

Rabat · 17/03/2011 17:05

YANBU

I don't really like one of my nephews. I don't really several of my friends children. I try not to show it, of course!

perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 17:19

Oh for god sake, some people just dont help themselves. If the father can't house his son, that's too bad, son should stay with his mum full time until he can. Sounds like he desperately needs the one to one care from her.

Why on earth would you put your child through that, for all that time. The favour is long repaid. Help yourself, speak up and tell them to leave.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 17/03/2011 17:27

the lying and hurting your children would have tipped me over the edge too. agree with the advice you have been given, you need to change this situation asap before your dc are damaged any more by this boy, who clearly has problems. Feel sorry for him but you need to put your dc first i am afraid. His Dad def needs to hear this and step up to the plate to sort out a more manageable situation.

mathanxiety · 17/03/2011 17:35

Your accommodation situation is extremely dicey if you're not named on the lease.

You need to grow a backbone and stop being the victim here and also stop placing your DCs in danger. All that 'not by choice' is baloney. By doing nothing to find yourself an alternative you are actually choosing to put up with whatever crap this man and his child choose to throw in your direction and in your DCs' direction.

Stop hating the other child and do something proactive for your own children instead.

The child is none of your business but yours are. Tell the friend you're moving and find yourselves somewhere anywhere else, and tell the father the child is his problem and not yours.

Adversecamber · 17/03/2011 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adversecamber · 17/03/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaxTellersOldLady · 17/03/2011 18:15

Is this a LA house? Whos name is on the lease?

So you, your husband and your 2 children are living with a man and his son most of the week? In a 2 bed house?

Have a chat with your friend. If he is any kind of friend he will get himself sorted out PDQ and in the meantime tell him that the child must remain with the mother overnight and your friend can see him after school wherever he likes.

Its just wrong. How did you get into this situation and let it go on for so long?

Original poster

extremepie · 17/03/2011 18:27

We got into this situation mainly because we didn't have much choice at the time, it was either do what we did or be made homeless just before christmas!

My husband and I are on the tenancy, our friend is not to technically it is our house and we don't really want to move since this place is very well positioned for us for town and DS1's school (we don't have a car).

The 10yr can't sleep in the living room as that is where his dad sleeps :p

I think you are all right though and the only way to really resolve things is to talk to our friend about it, I don't want them here any longer regardless of how the son behaves as there is not enough space.

After the 2 weeks is up I will have a chat and give him a date when he will have to find somewhere else to go!

OP posts:

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