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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel as if I don't fit in anywhere

76 replies

Splogeandbodge · 15/03/2011 16:54

I have plenty of friends, but I always feel like a fraud, as if I'll get "found out". Have to work really hard to know what to say to people, never feel natural and feel as if friendship is completely learnt behaviour for me, never instinctive. And felt really paranoid when didn't get invited to a school event last week. Feel terrified I'll end up like my family, my parents haven't really got many real friends who rely on them and vice versa. Don't know what I'm saying really, maybe that I'm worried that I'm a social misfit who's going to get found out.

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2011 16:58

I've often felt as you describe, particularly at work. But I'm simply shy and it takes me ages to get to know and trust people.

You say you have plenty of friends. Are you comfortable with them? Do you feel you can talk to them?

lesley33 · 15/03/2011 16:58

I think if your parents didn't really have any friends, you need to learn as an adult how to have and keep friends.

My parents didn't really have any friends and although I have always had friends as an adult, it certainly didn't used to come naturally.

In contrast with my OH whose parents had loads of friends and who has no probem making and keeping lots of friends. My OH actually taught me in some ways about friendship by guiding me when they thought I wasnt getting it right.

Now at 43 I feel natural with friends as I know what to do. I know this probably makes no sense to someone for whom friendship comes naturally. But I have talked to 1 other person who felt the same.

So I hope feeling more natural with friends will come in time for you.

2plus2more · 15/03/2011 16:58

No advice, but I TOTALLY get how you feel...

manfromCUK · 15/03/2011 16:59

If it's any consolation, I feel much the same - always have. For eg. went to the tea and sarnies after a friend's funeral the other week - loads of people I haven't seen for ages but only talked to about 3 of them and felt very awkward - even worse being told to "mingle" by family members.

Cheria · 15/03/2011 17:00

I often feel like this too. In fact, since I moved to the countryside three years ago DH and I have hardly seen anyone socially - we are just really shy about meeting new people.

I don't know how to advise you other than to say you are not alone - I think a lot of people are shy and the confidence we see is just a front.

Original poster

Splogeandbodge · 15/03/2011 17:02

I could, but I guess I'm a bit afraid to reveal too much of this side of me. Not with all my friends, but a couple of really close ones who I feel would take it in their stride and I wouldn't feel weird afterwards. I can talk about all sorts of things with all sorts of people, but i am a bit afraid of people thinking I'm a bit weird and needy. dh knows I feel like this, but he's much more able to be himself and not stress about what people think of him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Splogeandbodge · 15/03/2011 17:06

Lesley, that really gives me hope. I do feel I get better and better at it- laugh at how I was fifteen years ago! It so is a learnt skill, and the thing that frustrates me is how often I learn by mistakes! I don't keep in touch with uni friends as much as I'd like, mainly because they know a (hopefully!) completely different person to the one I am now. Anyone know of books to help? Sounds utterly ridiculous, but think I might still have big old lessons to learn!

OP posts:

notsweatingthesmallstuff · 15/03/2011 17:23

Hi. To start with big hug , it sounds like you need it. I take it you are still at school, you dont say how old you are?

NickelTech · 15/03/2011 17:24

perfectly normal and natural.

i feel like that all the time.
:(

notsweatingthesmallstuff · 15/03/2011 17:29

Sorry, x posted, take it if you have a dh you are not at school! I am a grandmother who still feels like you do. I have a small group of close friends who I am happy with. I used to have more friends but as I have got older I have found out that I can be myself, not pretend to be someone else just to make people like me! Like you, my parents had few friends, so maybe there is a pattern to it. All I know is once I started accepting who I was, I became much happier, and people did't stop liking me!

MotherNight · 15/03/2011 17:37

I feel exactly the same, I try too hard with people then go home and berate myself for everything I said and didn't say and how I said it. :(

MadMommaMemoo · 15/03/2011 17:41

It's called having a low self esteem. Which can have a huge impact on your life.

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2011 17:43

MotherNight - me too, I'm always going home and berating myself. All these anxieties have surfaced again in the last few months after I became a mum and have met various other local mums.

MadMommaMemoo · 15/03/2011 17:48

One of the best treatments for low self esteem is CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy) there are many books about how to improve it but you can also do CBT course online. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Original poster

Splogeandbodge · 15/03/2011 17:59

Oh help! I'm def not still at school- friendship school maybe! That wouldn't be a bad idea actually- lessons on friendship at school!

OP posts:

MosEisley · 15/03/2011 18:05

YANBU. I think this is quite a normal way to feel. I agree with MMM that it is to do with low self esteem.

Naturally I am quite extroverted and come across quite confidently to others, but I still feel the way you describe, inside. I think that is because I've lost self esteem since being a SAHM.

What do you do for a living and do you think that helps?

MadMommaMemoo · 15/03/2011 18:07

It happens to us all. I regularly post on threads and get totally ignored and have to work really hard to not take it personally.

MosEisley · 15/03/2011 18:09

Then hopefully you'll take it positively that I've actively agreed with you on this thread?!

MadMommaMemoo · 15/03/2011 18:12

Oh yes Mos that doesn't happen very often

MotherNight · 15/03/2011 18:18

In most cases it probably is low self esteem, I can be quite good at pretending to be confident though. And I still don't get anywhere, I think for me personally, there is just something about me that repels people.

Chrysanthemum5 · 15/03/2011 18:48

I often feel like this. I come across as quite confident but I over analyse everything and I worry about not fitting in. I think it does come from a self esteem issue so I'm trying to work on that. I have a high profile job and my work colleagues all think I'm really confident and strong but really I'd like to think about being a SAHM but worry I'd feel even more out of place without the esteem my job brings me.

I'm finding this thread really helpful - I feel better knowing I'm not alone!

missismonky · 15/03/2011 19:17

I feel like this too. CBT didn't do anything for me. I would so love to be able to interact with people without feeling self conscious about everything. I think I repel people too. If someone does start being friendly, I get all spooked and withdraw, just doesn't come naturally to me at all.

I am moving to another country at the end of the year where I won't have even the small group of friends I have here, that is scary. I would love to be a nice, friendly, happy person. Some kind of mind wipe is what I need.

atthecarwash · 15/03/2011 19:31

Same feelings here too. My parents never had friends round for dinner, coffee etc and it's taken me a while to realise that I don't know how to do those things.

I've never invited anyone for dinner and tbh dh and I are so busy with kids and work that I keep telling myself that's the reason. Only yesterday I was talking to a friend and she said something about having people round for dinner on saturday....well, she's never invited us, noone has really even though I have plenty of friends. I guess it is a self esteem thing.

MadameDefarge · 15/03/2011 19:38

I believe the clinical term is "imposter syndrome"

I often feel it.

glassortwo · 15/03/2011 20:21

Where are all these confident chatty people
who seem to revel in making small talk, I feel very uncomfortable doing this,my mind just goes blank! But I seem to be surrounded by them in all social events, maybe they are all bluffing.

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