To feel as if I don't fit in anywhere

[Splogeandbodge]

I have plenty of friends, but I always feel like a fraud, as if I'll get "found out". Have to work really hard to know what to say to people, never feel natural and feel as if friendship is completely learnt behaviour for me, never instinctive. And felt really paranoid when didn't get invited to a school event last week. Feel terrified I'll end up like my family, my parents haven't really got many real friends who rely on them and vice versa. Don't know what I'm saying really, maybe that I'm worried that I'm a social misfit who's going to get found out.

I think the parent thing is very true. Mine (and dh's) parents were very social, there were always dinners, parties and drinking (far too much), and we are very social now. Dd is very good at social stuff, she always asks me how my evening was if I have been out etc, and the other day, when I had to go to a funeral, she asked me, what do you say to people going to a funeral? You can't say, hope you have a good time!

Made me realise how much they learn "on the job," as it were.

I feel this way too. Tho ACT has helped... I am a gabble box (talk wayyyy too much), so people don't see me as shy, but I feel so awkward, and some days would raher not go to work or even leave the house! BUT the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), has helped. I.e it is about Accepting you are how you are, and Committing to the things you value... SO by doing that you still face the challenges you just do it deliberately so to speak without fighting your true self! So I accept the anxiety (like today), don't try and pretend it isn't there,but am committed to going out the house etc despite it. I am realistic about what I will do on those days, and don't push to hard, but by allowing yourself those feelings and carrying on, it really helps... I do have bad dayd, today is one of them... really feeling soooo wound up and tense for no good reason at all!! (Actually shouldn't say that... there doesn't NEED to be a reason). But I WILL go and get my kids from school, I WILL say hi to others, and I WILL get all my work done for work tomorrow! sort of acknowledge the feeling, say hi to it (if you like), and then focus on my job or whatever.

Like I say... it don't make the feelings go away... BUT is MUCH better than focusing on the feelings by trying to ignore them, because the more you say , "don't think of a pink elephant" the stronger the image of a pink elephant in your mind!

Haven't read all the replies so sorry if I say the same as everyone else.

I too have had to learn how to do these things. I'm in my late 30s and only now feel that I have actually got somewhere.

My parents weren't sociable people and we never had people round so I spent my 20s learning how to do that. I would invite people round occasionally but would get very anxious and would probably appear nervous. Since I have had children I think that has forced me to do it more and you have such a good reason to do it! Plus I want my children to grow up feeling that it is a normal thing to do. I actually didn't know what to do with people when they came to my house.

I think I grew up not being sure of myself in friendships and assertive enough so got walked all over and have had to learn some of the social etiquette which takes a while to learn.

Keep practising, it does get easier.

Lots of good stuff here.

I have always had a few very close friends. Parents had about 3 friends between them, most social get togethers were family things.

I am also a bit face blind, so find it very hard to distinguish among a lot of people, and have had to get good at asking people's names for the umpteenth time. Until I know someone well enough, it's as if I can't relax in a convesation, and have to concentrate to have a proper conversation.

Like someone upthread, I too have just had a nice morning with friends and their children - to whom I am Nanna (midnightservant).

Sploge- interesting what you say about CBT. I may well look into it.

I absolutley agree with whoever said it is a learned behaviour and modelled by parents etc. As a consequence, I have been very keen to get my DD socialising a lot from quite an early age (wonder if she'll thank me for it in years to come, or if I'm overcompensating?!)

It was my late thirties before I knew enough about the skills needed for friendship to start to become more instinctual.

My dad doesn't have any friends. My mum went out with people from work occasionally. She is now in touch with 1 old school friend that she contacted through facebook. And they talk to the neighbours a bit. But that is it.

It has surprised me how much children learn, or don't learn, from just being around their parents. Both me and my OH have parents who had very long and happy marriages.

There are things we have done that just seem obvious to us that friends whose parents had a difficult marriage, have had to struggle to learn e.g. how to be emotionally intimate, but respect privacy. But at least there are books, etc to help you with marriages - none to help you with friends.

Why Men Lie and Women Cry, and other, similar books by the same authors have been very helpful for me. Although they are intended for couples to read so that each learns how to talk to the other, I found the sections on women (ie for the man to read) just as helpful as the sections on men.

I would also like to have been actively taught social skills at school!

Definitely social skills in schools! Role plays etc would be great, it is all about practice.

I actually agree with some of the courses they now run for children who are often bullied. I know some previous posters have said that this blames the child; but I think if it is focussed on improving social skills that this is very helpful.

I was bullied for about 5 months by a small group of girls. And I think part of the reason I was because I didn't know how to respond to somebody being nasty. I would just stand there and say nothing, while frantically thinking what do I do?

It's not just about what you have learned from your parents. Mine are in their 70s and 80s, have lived in several countries, yet still have friends from childhood. They have active friendships from every country they have lived in, and still make new friends now. Friends, not just acquaintances. We had frequent house guests, dinner parties, music-and-dancing parties, etc, all of which were reciprocated. My parents would still be doing these things, but they're getting tired, so they only entertain 4 or 5 times a year, now.

All I've learned is to I know what I'm missing through my lack of social skills.

I think my problem with small talk is knowing what to talk about, seems pointless.

My parents were in the forces so we were stationed all over the world for at the most 2yrs at a time, I attended 14 schools then colleges. I always seemed to be the new girl and was always worried what others thought of me.

splog I think most of us think a bit like you at times. You have had some good replies here

Holding hands up to same issue here, so this is a very reassuring and interesting thread. Can you imagine the scene if we all had a meet up

We'd probably be very surprised to see some familiar faces from RL, some of the ones you'd least expect!

Also have many of the same issues. Am amazed at how many of us feel this way. I have major confidence issues with friendships.

Since moving to our village it has become much worse as it is very, very cliquey and appears impossible to break into friendship groups. I don't seem to be able to make new friends here at all and constantly worry that I talk too much or upset people unwittingly during conversation. Not sure where it comes from as my Mum is very gregarious and has always had loads of friends

I guess it can go either way with parents who are social. My parents are very tidy and I've had to learn that myself-maybe some skills have to be actually taught or be a shared experience. My mum just did all the tidying, mostly when I wasn't there. I talk to my dd and ds about what I'm doing to keep tidy so hopefully they'll pick it up. Do some parents kind of involve their children more in learning to be social and have friends? I know I try to with dd and ds.

Splogeandbodge, yes I do try to "involve their children more in learning to be social and have friends", but sorting out playdates etc causes me agonies . DD is a lot more sensitive about perceived slights from other children, whereas DS is incredibly easy-going and shrugs them off. Do find it hard to help her along her as my skills were so minimal as a kid, not helped by my Dad being a sociopathic loon....he told me once as he saw a friend coming up the path 'she doesn't really like you you know, hasn't been here for a while, obviously only coming because no-one else is around'. She'd probably been ill ffs. I must have been about 7. Not something I'll be repeating with mine .

I have this conversation with my husband all the time. My problem is that aside from him I find interacting with people for any length of time difficult (and if I'm being quite honest tedious!!). This includes my own family too...

How horrible for you bobthebuddha. I must admit I have feelings of nervousness for dd on playmates. Just want them to go well for her. I guess I feel sometimes that my mum didn't do me any favours by calling my definite bossiness as a child leadership potential! There's a fine balance between letting them find their own way and loving them as individuals and ending up with them not learning how to deal with people. Anyway, maybe example is better so I'll work on myself!!

MadMommaMemoo if it makes you feel any better I was just thinking the other day how nice you sounded while reading a thread you'd posted on!

Petisa, that's a lovely thing to say! Thank you, you've made my day :)

I know how you feel Splogeandbodge. I can be friendly and do small talk with people I meet on a regular basis, but can't seem to do friendships as such.
I like the thought of having close friends, but in reality I think I am a loner, though I wish I wasn't.
Once I start getting to know people they start to irritate/annoy me and I have definitely got worse as I have got older. I look around at people with friends and think "How do they do it? How are they so liked?"
I can be quite a grumpy, lazy person, so I can see why I might not necessarily be very popular and I think I am over-criticalof people(I think it in my head, not criticise them), so go off a person quite quickly.
I wish I wasn't this way, in a way I know what I can do to change things but at the same time find it too much of an effort iykwim.

I too have few friends and being an extrovert i wish i had more. My older 2 children have left home and my DS is at school here. When big kids were little we lived in London and I had lots of friends.

My self esteem is loww as well, and I want to be friendly to people at the gym etc, and I am friendly, but for some reason they dont follow it though and get really familiar. I worry what vibes I have in the past put out...but I know since I have felt better and happier in my life I am giving out good vibes.
The parents at my Ds's school are mostly very unfriendly, and I worry that they all have after school contact and dinner parties . I have had some mums round for coffee 2x now and they are friendly. Some though are extremely weird and very unfriendly to the point of totally ignoring you . Its horrible. How can folk be so cold ??
SandBodge you are not alone, and the fact that you worry about not fitting in makes you just like the rest of us. We all worry about fitting in. Now I am 50 yrs I dont worry so much cos I know I am not weird and do fit in and people do like me. But I dont bother to make the effort so much to try and fit in . If people like me, then fine, but if they dont then tough , they miss out. !!!

Lesley - some very good advice. I came from a similar set of parents. For many years, I would generally drift into friendships that became unhealthily intense and exclusive and would effectively result in me being placed on some kind of pedestal and even attracting the wrong type of affection altogether. Obviously, I easily became a magnet for possessive and controlling people.

I had a healthy circle of friends when the DCs were younger though even then, I would somehow revert to type and go off on an unhealthy tangent and end up being idolised by the one person in the group who was similar to the types of people I have befriended in the past.

At the moment, my best friend is someone who has moved away from our area (so we do not see one another as we did before and have to maintain our relationship via email which is a novelty in itself to me). However, she is probably the best example of healthy friendship I have ever come across and she may never know how much I am learning just through being her friend.

I also love befriending new immigrants as I understand their isolation to some extent and like to join them under their cloak of invisibility and get to know them. They tell me that I am one of the few mc British mums who actually wants to know them.

What is most strange is that I am brilliant at small talk, working the room, breaking the ice - almost too good (just like my own mother I suppose). The problem I have is with becoming part of a core groups of friends. I have an aversion to cliques, I like fringe types of people - revolutionaries, misfits, rock'n'roll. What I don't find interesting is people who (like myself) have been through the usual selective school-interesting gap year-university-City career-buy nice house route. I don't really know why I feel I don't have anything in common with them and have always gained no satisfaction in being in their company.