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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH having a vasectomy at 27?

60 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 15:54

Im 29 weeks pregnant with number 3, we're fairly sure that our family is now complete.

I probably would have considered a possible fourth in a few years, if DH really wanted it but being honest, I really, really struggle with being pregnant and the thoughts of another pregnancy really fills me with dread. I dont think I could bear to this again (despite being very aware how lucky I am). Also, DH isnt looking for a fourth Smile, he says he feels very happy with our lot.

I can imagine most of you are thinking Im being premature considering number 3 isnt yet here but am pretty sure our family will be perfect for us after this ones arrival. We adore our babies but arent mad about the actual baby stage - love it when they are over 2 and can chat and interact more and are well.. easier - thats why we planned dc2 and 3 so close together - to get it over with so we could start to really enjoy them together.

We adore our dc (obviously) but want time to enjoy them properly. Any more additions to our house would significantly cut down on the time and attention we can give each child. Im thinking ahead here to the teen years (despite ours being just 5 and 1 at the minute) and want to give them alot of individual time.

Financially, we're working on it, we're ok compared to many and are young still. We're both working full time and Im studying for my degree - we both are fairly ambitious and have achievable career plans that should make us financially comfortable in a couple of years - financially comfortable for a family of 5 that is - in respect to the life we want for our children - some travel/ college fees etc... another would cause us to struggle.

In ways 4 sounds like a lovely rounded number but it goes against so many other practical things for us as a family and would affect our (current) dc. We've changed the car to a scenic to comfortably fit 3 car seats but another would mean we'd need a people carrier. We have a four bed house - we want each one to have their own bedroom - a little bit of privacy but with 4 children, 2 would have to share.

The cost of another one in childcare for another 5 years would cripple us! we're thinking that now, we'll be free from that horrible expense in roughly 4 years.

This came up recently when chatting some family members and DH said he was getting the "snip". The response was one of complete Shock and we were told (by everyone there) that we were absolutely insane to consider doing this when we were our age (25 and 27).

I had dd at 20, ds at 24 and this one (hopefully) will arrive when Im 25. We've spent alot of our 20s having babies, we dont intend to spend our 30s doing it to.

I have to admit it did make me think though. As so many times I've though I've known it all and I look back now and Blush - some things age can only teach you. Would it be insane to do something so permanent this young?

Would love to hear opinions. Should age be a deciding factor? the group we spoke to (the majority) seemed to think sterilisation shouldnt be considered before age 40.

OP posts:
NettoSuperstar · 15/03/2011 15:57

I was sterilised as a single woman, with an only child at 30.
It was the right decision for me.

rinabean · 15/03/2011 15:57

I don't think age should be a factor, only the number of kids you want.

Maybe they're being nasty and the underlying thing is that he will regret it "when" he leaves you and wants a new family. But if they want to be nasty that's their problem, not yours. :)

BettyCash · 15/03/2011 16:00

Depends how you both feel about contraception

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 16:05

Just realised the amount of mistakes in that post Blush.

Netto - no regrets at all?

Rinabean I considered that but as far as I know they like me (Im around a long time now Grin) and we get on well so dont think so (you never know though).

Bettycash I dont want to be on various things that mess with my moods for years. Also, (and again I know we're very lucky) we get pregnant very easily - dd was conceived when I was on the pill. None of its 100% and we've conceived 4 now (one miscarraige) on first attempt.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2011 16:05

He may find it difficult to get a doctor who will agree to the operation when he's under 30. A man I know, in his mid20's with 5 dc to 3 women asked his GP and was told no!

Itsjustafleshwound · 15/03/2011 16:15

Again, it seems like a pretty serious procedure to undergo and there is no guarantee (not 100%). Also, there are studies/evidence (??) linking the operation to testicular cancer .... so it isn't a risk free, simple procedure.

I would just think that if YOU don't want children YOU should do something and contraception/sterilization should not be a one-sided ... as you teach your children about contraception - there is a joint responsibility.

loopylou6 · 15/03/2011 16:17

Me and DH had our first child at 16 and our 2nd at 21. As we where sure we didn't want anymore DH had the snip at 27. We don't regret it. Ds is nearly 12 dd nearly 7 and we are nearly 29 and 30

Mrswhiskerson · 15/03/2011 16:17

I think you sound very happy with three and have a lot of sensible reasons, people will always try to talk you out of sterilisation but it is down to whatever is best for your family and you sound like you have a lovely happy family.
Can I just say how much admiration I have fir you working full time with two dc and studying for a degree is a admirable thing I wish I could be so well organised. Congratulations on your third dc I hope you all have a very happy future .

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/03/2011 16:20

Would you want another child if one of your children died? Would your husband want children with a new wife if you split up or died? These are horrible questions but these things might happen and you might then really regret your DH having a vasectomy.

Personally I think 27 is too young even if you have the three kids you plan. I think most doctors won't do it before 30 and even then you'd have to be very sure. Also I think they normally like you to leave a little time after having a baby as during and after pregnancy can be weird times and perhaps not the best time to be making life long changes.

overthehillmum · 15/03/2011 16:22

I got sterilised at 24 Shock but it was right for me, I had two kids and didn't want anymore, I had to plead for it though as they weren't keen because of my age. I've never regretted it.

loopylou6 · 15/03/2011 16:22

Yes I think I read somewhere that the most recent child has to be a certain age before you will be considered.

sweetheart · 15/03/2011 16:24

this is something only you and your dh can decide. We have 2 dc's and are sure we won't be having any more. Dh went to the Dr for a consultation about getting the snip but for some reason I told him not to go ahead with it - it just didn't sit right because I couldn't get the "what if" scenario's out of my head.

Mrswhiskerson · 15/03/2011 16:24

itsjustafleshwound the sterilization procedure for a woman is a much bigger operation than it is for a man and since the op will have given birth three times
maybe it's fair enough her dh has the procedure?

iskra · 15/03/2011 16:25

Dp says he will get a v after this pregnancy, our second. I have to admit to a few qualms - he's 29 - but he's adamant.

BluddyMoFo · 15/03/2011 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YusMilady · 15/03/2011 16:27

I was sterilised at 30 - no questions asked. Not regretted it for a second. But I'm not typical of MNers cos I've got no kids, so maybe not the most useful example for you OP! [coat]

Mumwithadragontattoo · 15/03/2011 16:28

Bluddy - yes, sorry, meant her DH might regret it but came out wrong...

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 16:31

Sorry Itsjustafleshwound dont think I made it clear in my OP, dh is 100% this is what he wants to do, I've asked him a million times to think hard about it and consider the permanency and I could look in to something but he just replies that its what he wants and he doesnt want anymore dc.

I didnt realise there was a link to cancer though Shock - I hadnt came across this in any of our research. Must look into it further.

Oldladyknowsnothing that is absolutely ridiculous!!!!! Shock

Mrswhiskerson thank you so much for such a kind post. That was really lovely of you. Im having a bad day (just hormonal!!) and that really made me feel nice. Smile

mumwithadragontattoo we've considered the (God forbid) child dying scenario and no, none of our children are replaceable. Obviously I cant even begin to imagine how we would feel and dont really want to but I think we'd want that child, not another one if something terrible happened. Ditto to the new wife scenario - I've asked dh this and asked him to consider carefully. He says no, regardless of what happens with us, he still has 3 children and he just wants his 3 children as they are and no more. I know they are horrible questions but you are right. Have to admit I've also wondered about the fact that Im pregnant now/ ds is only 14 months playing a huge factor in this.

overthehill and loopylou thanks a million for posting your experiences - its really helpful.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 15/03/2011 16:31

Should also mention that since the snip DH's already quite high sex drive has rocketed ;)

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 16:33

Have to agree with MrsWhiskerson too there, female sterilisation is a far more complicated procedure as far as Im aware and think dh could go through something at this stage Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 16:34

Really loopy? (this was one thing dh was worrying about - that it would decrease)

OP posts:
PrincessScrumpy · 15/03/2011 16:36

dh is 30 and seriously considering it. I'm pg for the second time (both times only took one month of "trying") and this pg was always going to be the last - now we know it's twins, it's definitely the last. dh isn't quite brave enough to commit and I'll support him whatever, but I think that as long as you are sure your family is complete then it's fine - not sure from reading your post that you are that convinced though!

jesuswhatnext · 15/03/2011 16:37

my dh offered to have it done several years ago - he is ten years younger than me, is stepfather to dd, no 'bio' dcs of his own - i talked him out of it - i felt, particuarly when dd was small, should anything happen to me, he would be very likely to meet a younger woman - i would have hated the thought that an otherwise good relationship, one that would also have been good for dd, could be spoilt for the sake of a vasectomy - after all, the question of 'for or against' having dcs is a deal-breaker.

you sound very happy, congrats on number 3 - my advice would be to wait a few years before anything irriversible was done.

Mummy2Bookie · 15/03/2011 16:37

I wouldn't expect dhto get the snip. It's selfish to expect him to do it. Why don't you?

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 15/03/2011 16:44

I never for one second expected him to mummy2bookie its his body. He offered. He wants to, was his idea. I've said to him on numerous occasions to think long and hard and although it would be easiest (as its permanent and would stop all faffing about with various hormones etc for me plus the constant fear of getting pregnant anyway as we're very fertile), I have no problem looking into alternative contraception as I would never expect him to have a surgical procedure.

Just wondering now if we're mad at our age.

OP posts: