What subjects would be on the curriculum at the school where 'wankers' go to be trained?

[AgentZigzag]

I'm on a thread about estate agents and tiredemma happened to mention that she believed some people go to a special school to train to be a 'wanker'.

It made me think of the people I knew who'd been educated there, and wonder what was on the schools curriculum.

Lessons in Being A Patronising Twat? Where students can learn the art of not allowing anyone else their opinion, and how to shout down anyone who dares to put forward a different view to theirs as wrong.

Extra curricular activities where role playing exercises can sharpen the pupils skills in ignoring other peoples non-verbal language? Thus making it easier for them to miss cues that a person wants to go to bed when your visit has lasted past midnight, or that taking endlessly about themselves is always of interest to the other person.

You could perhaps also get a qualification in Selfishness, learn that the world does revolve around you, and you are entitled to demand both attention and financial support whenever you feel you need it (getting extra points for showing how sulking can make the other person feel you must be right).

What other subjects would there be do you think?

don't know, but you've made me smile

I think Advanced Narcassism would have to be a post 16 subject, entry would require good grades in Passive Aggressive studies and Selfishness.

I think you could take

Narcissism GCSE and A level (showing my age there!)

Perhaps a vocational qualification in Farting Around when meant to be doing Something More Constructive.
Say NVQ Tossing if Off and Endless Delegation

Closet Racism and Innate Homophobia Foundation Degree (with an optional unit on Watch Your Backs Lads, Puff In The Area and 100 extra credit if the My Best Friend Is Black unit is taken)

Not forgetting

How to Justify Domestic Violence and Get Away With It.

Wealth Creation (of the ConDemNation sanctioned kind of course...the type that involves making millions, bankrupting governments and sacking lots of people)

Advanced Management Speak

I loooove NVQ Tossing It Off, some highly qualified types in my workplaces have excelled in that one :D:D

There would need to be some sort of driving "skills" involved I think.

Such as slowing right down on slip roads and never ever indicating properly on roundabouts. Or anywhere else.

Advanced Petty Competitiveness (women just as good at this one)

Grammatically correct 'Wankers' sentence structure. All sentences must begin thus:

Can I be honest...
No offence but...

or end thus:

...but that's just me.

Wrist strengthening sessions?

I'm laughing/not laughing and nodding at these

It must be a huge school.

There are also some people I know who seem to have just taken evening classes.

They're not a full blown Wanker Of The Highest Order, but can display some of the wanker education they've had if they feel the situation demands it.

Not immediately obvious, but perhaps a higher level qualification would include Ignoring A Friend When Something Really Shit Has Happened To Them.

There could also be extensive courses in Annoying People With Your Children and Annoying People With Your Pets.

3 day training course in "I'm Not Being Funny But"

Deportment lessons to master that tricky stance, hands in pockets jingling loose change, legs splayed apart in masterful fashion.

Definitely specialist driving training; units to include Indicator Avoidance, Advanced Hand Signalling and Applied Sexism (extra credit for following a female driver and intimidating her).

Dating behaviour would have to be a whole other specialist subject. Pick-Up Lines alone could fill an academic year!

I know some people who appear to have a PhD in entitlement. Apparantly the prerequisites are Lack of Empathy 101 and I'm Too Busy 203.

Training course in Miming Sports Actions Randomly in the Middle of Conversations.

I believe there to be (publicly-funded, naturally) courses available in:

• "Benefits - How to Live Off Other People's Money For As Long As Possible"

• "Sociology - Identifying Ways To Make The UK Incohesive And Keep It That Way"

• "Socialism - Moral High Grounds, Hypocrisy and Getting Others To Clean Up After You".

'A' Level in Lubricants

"Talking to women's tits" up to Master level that one.

"How to generate a lot of email and Powerpoint presentations but not actually getting anything done or producing anything" BA (Hons)

"If you don't have a problem with it, then no one else can possibly have a problem with it." Phd course.

"If someone has a problem with something you don't consider a problem, then bully them" D Phil

"Emphatically head nodding while not actually listening to what is said to you" MAsters in Business STudies annex course

"If you aren't interested in it, then anyone who is interested in it is a fool" A level

"Why possessing a penis confers automatic intellectual ability and also the right to a woman who will do the stuff you don't want to do"

"Playing on a nintendo or your phone while sitting at a dinner table: why your friends admire you so much they won't think it rude" GSCE and up to MAsters level

Loving the concept of this... great thread

I had to phone a large government agency the other week and whereas I think 'wankers' would be a bit harsh, all the staff had certainly excelled in their Level 3 qualification in Passing the Buck Between Colleagues.

Good call majordan

'How to post on an internet forum and deliberately misunderstand the subject to imply the OP is a dirty trollope'

Chaos and mandy

Am I the only one thinking - but aren't a lot of these already on the curriculum at private schools?