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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think another mum needs to sort her childcare out?

57 replies

jessikart · 13/03/2011 23:51

I feel guilty even thinking this but...

DS has a sort of friend whose parents both work full time (I say sort of friend as said child is not very nice, can be a bit rough, and they do fall out fairly often). Normally this friend has a childminder, but in the last few months the childminder is either AWOL or not as reliable as she used to be, as I was asked at least once a week if I'd mind having friend after school. I always said yes, knowing what a nightmare it is when childcare lets you down when you're working.

But recently it's started to get a bit silly. The one afternoon a week (which was normally reciprocated) has started to become established as an accepted fact. Three weeks ago, I had him for two afternoons, another mum had him for two afternoons, then it was half term. Next week, it's me and the other mum having him for at least two afternoons each. DS really doesn't seem to like his 'friend' any more, and not only do I not like his 'friend', but I feel like his parents are taking the piss a bit. If they can't get a reliable childminder, the school has a brilliant after school club that at least a third of their class attend, and it would be far cheaper than a childminder (TBH, I do think that the 'friend' would benefit from being around other children more often...just not mine .
Am I being mean? I've been a working mum and I know it's awful to ask people for favours all the time, but I do feel like they're taking the piss.

OP posts:

Original poster

jessikart · 13/03/2011 23:56

Just realised I sound a bit nasty about this 'friend' - he can be lovely, but he's very obviously an only child who has never played with other children outside of school. He can be really nasty to DD (2), and whenever he's here I spend all of my time refereeing fights between DS, DD and 'friend'. He also has a habit of nicking toys from us, and not owning up to it. I don't think he's a bad kid, just not socialised enough!

OP posts:

snice · 13/03/2011 23:57

check in the mirror whether you have mug written on your forehead

seriously they are taking the piss

snice · 13/03/2011 23:58

and relying on the fact you are too nice/polite to say so

MissVerinder · 14/03/2011 00:02

FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 00:02

You need to come up with reasons if you just don't want to say no why he can't come. Pre-arranged appointments, or just say it is not convenient this week maybe another time.

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:02

Just checked the mirror...and from a certain angle...it says tea cup

OP posts:

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:07

FabbyChic...I know, I know, I know...I'm so crap at saying no though! I need to have a list of possible and plausible reasons why it's not a good idea. I don't think 'No, my arms have fallen off' or 'No, I'm dead' would cut it in the playground.

OP posts:

snice · 14/03/2011 00:07

I can imagine how you got sucked into this situation but you will have to put your foot down-its not fair on your own son to be forced into the company of someone hes not that friendly with anymore.

Practise saying 'no, I'm sorry I wont be able to do that'!

snice · 14/03/2011 00:09

you don't need excuses or plausible reasons -its your prerogative to say 'no'

BluddyMoFo · 14/03/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missnevermind · 14/03/2011 00:21

You could say
Sorry we have family stuff on I cant help out for a few weeks.
By then she will have leeched onto somebody else.....

SeeJaneKick · 14/03/2011 00:24

Jessi just tell her. I had this with a "friend" of DDs when they were in receprion and year one. The Mum was a single mum with a highly stressful profession so I kept filling in for her when her after school carer failed to provide what was arranged.

Eventally it was too much for my DD as the little friend was also an only child but one with many behaviour problems...not beause she had no siblings but because she'd not been socialised properly and was spoiled.

I told the woman I couldn't have her DD anymore so regularly and she promptly fell out with me!

So that proved she was only "friends" because I was a SAHM who was a mug!

Lckily they left the school not long after.

Just say that it's too much for DD who is reeally tired and you want to have less playdates ths term.

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2011 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:30

I know I can just say 'no', or the perfect line that BluddyMoFo has given but I am useless at standing up for myself - absolutely sodding useless!

This boys mum & I get on well (another reason I'm fearful of saying no, I think we could be good friends) - does anyone think it might be a good idea for me to suggest going out for a drink and then steering the idea to childcare? And saying how happy, well-adjusted and lovely the after school kids are?

OP posts:

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:33

totally crossposted there...

there is definitely a thrust that the other mother and I are currently SAHMs (I'm ill, other SAHM has a very young baby).

oh look! A heron!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 14/03/2011 00:34

Invent a doctors appointment or the dentist if you don't want to just say no. But be ready for her to ask for alternate days then be ready for an excuse for them.

Lulie110 · 14/03/2011 00:35

Exactly as Madam says, above. You have to choose to be a mug or re-set the boundaries. NB saying no does not make you a bad person!! And no to the drink idea, also (although clearly well-intentioned!).

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:41

RIGHT!

I will get through this week of being a Toby Jug Mug, and then I will think of some very good, plausible and inventive reasons why I cannot acede to her request. My Dad's coming to stay next week, so there's a cast iron excuse that I don't even have to invent.

Umm, but I may wander back in for some moral support and spine stiffening very soon after...

I'm just a girl who can't say no. To anyone. Or anything. Ever.

OP posts:

Lulie110 · 14/03/2011 00:45

Hurrah you!! But (referring you again to Madam's post), you don't need any explanations or excuses. Channel Mary Poppins...

Just say "I can't, I'm afraid" / "That won't work for us, I'm afraid" / "We have other plans" (only you know that the other plan consists solely as NOT offering childcare).

Then, of course, point out the heron. Maybe.

chipmonkey · 14/03/2011 00:45

jessi, the boy's mum gets on with you because she sees you as being useful. A person like that isn't good friend material.

Original poster

jessikart · 14/03/2011 00:48

Off to bed now, but thank you for suggestions, spine stiffening and related.

I would like to stay up longer, but I can't, I afraid. It's just not convenient.

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 14/03/2011 01:28

How come she's a SAHM and yet works full time?

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2011 02:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PorkChopSter · 14/03/2011 02:43

Why get through this week? Start now!

sunnydelight · 14/03/2011 04:10

Glad to hear you've made your decision, now stick to it There was a woman like that at our last UK school, my friend who had four kids of her own was always getting landed with another THREE because she is a very nice person who hates saying no. I am not so nice and was only asked once.

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