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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think another mum needs to sort her childcare out?

57 replies

jessikart · 13/03/2011 23:51

I feel guilty even thinking this but...

DS has a sort of friend whose parents both work full time (I say sort of friend as said child is not very nice, can be a bit rough, and they do fall out fairly often). Normally this friend has a childminder, but in the last few months the childminder is either AWOL or not as reliable as she used to be, as I was asked at least once a week if I'd mind having friend after school. I always said yes, knowing what a nightmare it is when childcare lets you down when you're working.

But recently it's started to get a bit silly. The one afternoon a week (which was normally reciprocated) has started to become established as an accepted fact. Three weeks ago, I had him for two afternoons, another mum had him for two afternoons, then it was half term. Next week, it's me and the other mum having him for at least two afternoons each. DS really doesn't seem to like his 'friend' any more, and not only do I not like his 'friend', but I feel like his parents are taking the piss a bit. If they can't get a reliable childminder, the school has a brilliant after school club that at least a third of their class attend, and it would be far cheaper than a childminder (TBH, I do think that the 'friend' would benefit from being around other children more often...just not mine .
Am I being mean? I've been a working mum and I know it's awful to ask people for favours all the time, but I do feel like they're taking the piss.

OP posts:

Lulie110 · 14/03/2011 18:36

jessikart - how did it go today? How was your newly-stiffened spine??

Rabat · 14/03/2011 18:41

YANBU - I would have been miffed before now and put a stop to it so you are nicer than me!

YABU to suggest that this boy is the way he is because he is an only child. IMO children with siblings are just as likely to be like this.

AlistairSim · 14/03/2011 18:41

When my mum doesn't want to do something, she says "I can't, I have a bone in my leg"

People are generally to nonplussed to question this.

FellatioNelson · 14/03/2011 18:43

YANBU at all. Just start being out on days you know she'll be relying on you. Or say 'Oh I'm sorry, DS is not free to play that day - he has another friend coming over.' No explanations/justifications needed. I know that sounds mean, but some people are too thick skinned and parasitic to get the message until they suddenly find themselves stuck. Maybe it will make her think a bit.

scaryteacher · 14/03/2011 20:16

Remember that No is a complete sentence.

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2011 21:20

I don't think you should give any excuses, just say, as MoFo suggested, that you don't mind helping out in an emergency but you don't want to be putting in a regular two afternoons a week. It's shit that her CM let her down, but she needs to find an alternative, not expect you and this other mum to look after her kid for free all the time. And if she stops being friends with you as a result, then she was never a friend worth having. So there.

Ismene · 14/03/2011 21:25

YANBu to say no, although as rabat says, poor socialisation and manners are not solely the territory of only children, it comes down to the parenting not the number of children.

Although on the bright side, if he did have a sibling you would be looking after two ill mannered children.

Teachermumof3 · 14/03/2011 21:48

I can understand how/why you started helping her out as emergencies, but how did it spiral to you having her DS twice a week? I don't mean that in a nasty way-just how exactly? Has she asked if you would do this every Wednesday/Thursday for the time being? Or does she ring you at the last minute each time? Or ring you each Monday morning with a crisis for the week?

I think how it is done would depend on how I would react and what I would say. You are definitely not being unreasonable though!

MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 21:54

MadamDeathStare makes a really good point about you protecting your DD. You have nothing to feel guilty about - just say "No, I'm sorry I can't" and run walk away.

SugarPasteFrog · 14/03/2011 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ziva · 14/03/2011 22:23

omg this happened to me a couple of years ago.i used to take a little girl for an hour or so in the evening between school finishing and mum getting home.until mum started being late.very late.doing her food shop etc before collecting her DD.her phone would always be conviently off.

so one very pissed off week i presented her with a bill according to local babysitting rates.amazingly she suddenly had childcare sorted and no longer needed me.
i was being a walkover allowing her to leech off me.

zipzap · 14/03/2011 22:41

Ring up the mum and say that you're really sorry but things have changed at your end and you are going to have to postpone one of the 'playdates' for a while.

If she grizzles about relying on you for free childcare that day regularly then just repeat that you're sorry but it's not convenient any more, and that you'll be able to sort out another day when granddad has gone home and things have settled back down. And point her in the direction of the after school club if she complains about childcare again. If you feel really brave you can even say you think the regular free childminding playdates are becoming a bit much and the boys need a bit of space from each other for a while as they seem to be winding each other up (or be direct and truthful about her ds if you think she really is just using you rather than a real friend).

Then you just get the child one afternoon this week, ds will feel good because you have un-invited friend so he won't have to put up with him for another afternoon and you can do something nice together.

Also talk to the other mum beforehand - does she feel she is being taken advantage of too? Warn her what you are going to do so she can be conveniently booked up if friend asks her to step in at short notice for child care (and she can point her in the direction of the after school club too).

And no, you are definitely NBU - she is, given that there is a good after school club available!

berylmuspratt · 14/03/2011 22:45

They are taking the piss. However my DS is an only child and perfectly lovely thanks.

SugarPasteFrog · 14/03/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 14/03/2011 22:58

Whats with the 'only child' bashing? My ds is an only child and the school can't praise him enough, model pupil and all. The mums all want him to come to playdates hoping, in their words, that his good influence will rub off on their tearaways.

He is always asked on playdates, and I tend to do two to their one, mainly because he has no siblings at home and as a sahm, I like to help if I can. But that seems to give some people carte blanche to take the piss. Last year I received an email from the divorced H of one of the mums, asking me to look after his little boy of two for a few hours in the morning, to let him attend some meeting or other. Not even met the kid!

I emailed a big fat NO, no excuses, just no.

notmyproblem · 15/03/2011 11:48

Practise saying no. Seriously, practise it. Stand right in front of the mirror (or do it in your head) and say "sorry but I won't be able to take your child this week. No I can't do that." Then pretend to be the other mother, think of something she might say, then say again "no, I can't. sorry. you'll have to find someone else." Don't waste time and effort coming up with elaborate excuses because if you're not a natural at fibbing on the fly you'll trip over yourself, get embarrassed then end up relenting and saying yes again. So keep it simple: "NO" is your answer. End of.

The only person who can stop you being a mug and a doormat is YOU. People will be happy to walk all over you and use you to their convenience until you show them you can't. So stand up for yourself and do it! The first time is the hardest, it gets easier after that. Just keep saying "NO".

SlightlyJaded · 15/03/2011 11:58

Please please don't make an excuse. If you do, you will just have to make another one next week and the week after. People like your friend tend to be thick skinned and if you come up with an excuse this week, she will have not problem with asking you again and you will feel even more uncomfortable about inventing a plausible reason why you can't. Everyone will know it's a lie.

Just use BluddyMoFo's perfect line. It will be hard - I'm like you, just say yes to everything - but you will feel so relieved afterwards.

And if it makes it easier, simultaneously offer a suggested date for a play or tea in a couple of weeks time. This will show you are still happy to be friends and not cutting them off but you are just not going to be unpaid childcare.

Be Brave :o

atthecarwash · 15/03/2011 12:07

i had a friend who did exactly what you describe. I helped her out for about 6 months and then I thought...what am I doing? I've got enough on my plate as it is without looking after both her children too.

I came out straight with it. The result? She stopped talking to me as if I had been the bad person in all this !!! Then I felt a right mug for having been taken advantage of.
come out straight and see what happens, I don't regret doing it. Just wish I'd done it earlier

Chandon · 15/03/2011 12:13

I have a friend who tends to do this.

I manage the situation by occasionally saying I cannot do that day, even if normally I am free on wednesdays. I do this to avoid her "booking " me in for fixed days in the week.If she asks why, I do not give excuses but just say I think my DS needs a quiet afternoon as he's tired, or that I need to do homework with him.

However, if she has a last minute emergency, I am here for her. But I avoid being given a "day".

just start saying no occasionally.

And ditch the guilt.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 15/03/2011 12:14

YANBU - she does need to get her childcare sorted out and whilst people are all accommodating her...she thinks she has!!

Just say you have other committments now and cant do it anymore - tell her how fab the after school club is and she should try that.

I have issues with childcare sometimes now as our after school club has closed but I am very careful how I play it - fingers crossed for a new club to open and very soon!

discombobulatory · 15/03/2011 12:23

I had a friend who lived directly opposite me who went back to work and "temporarily" I had her children (4 and 6) every day after school for 2 hours. They were lovely kids and got on very well with my DC and I was doing the school run anyway so it was no big deal. This went on for 6 months - much longer than I had ever anticipated - at which point she gave up work and kindly bought me a massage as a thank you (?? £30 but I was still pleased as it was never about money, just friendship).

A year later, one of my DC was seriously ill and I couldn't do the school run any more (we had gone back to sharing it) so this "friend" drove EVERY DAY from OPPOSITE my house to school with her own DC in the car without ONCE taking my one well child, who missed a lot of year 3 as a consequence. UNbelieveable. I definitely felt I had been taken for a mug.

Do be nice to other people and DO continue filling in in emergencies, as that makes the world go round, but don't be a walkover if you can help it.

Honeybee79 · 15/03/2011 12:28

You sound far too nice for your own good! They're taking the piss. Put your foot down - it sounds like your DD could do with protecting from this!

MadamDeathstare · 15/03/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2011 13:14

You are a SAHM so you can look after your own DC, not someone else's.

Expecting you to do this regularly is actually showing you a huge amount of disrespect. She's saying that you have nothing better to do than provide free childcare for her. Being a SAHM does not make you the communities back up childminder.

Also she is getting all the benefits of going out to work and expecting you to work for free, because looking after other peoples badly behaved children is work.

You don't need to make excuses. You need to toughen up a bit and say to her that the kids are not getting on too well, that your DD is not happy with this situation and you won't be able to do this anymore. You owe it to your own children to put them first.

MoonGirl1981 · 15/03/2011 13:35

OMG!

My childminder became ridiculously unreliable and uncontactable a while back (turns out he was an alcoholic - marvellous) and I had to ask my friend (who's daughter is friends with my son) to look after my son every Thursday morning (I work nights, finish a 8am, partner has to leave at 7.30am) and walk him to school.

I felt soooo guilty about it but what could I do?

I ended up dropping my hours down. That wasn't the only reason but it was certainly the main one. I hated asking for favours all of the time (although I'd ALWAYS return them).

It is hard when you work and have children but I don't think that relying on other people is the answer.

If you feel bad for saying no just say your ill/need to go to Tescos/going to a friend's house. She'll get the messsage.

xxx

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