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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL sticking to routine.

69 replies

poppyjk · 13/03/2011 20:55

So am i being unreasonable asking MIL to stick to a routine when she is looking after LO (8 months old)
She doesn't look after him much as im a SAHM and we tend to visit as a family!

All the times she has looked after him she hasn't sticked to my routine i have with him- quiet time, book/bath, bottle bed, and set times.
She will happily keep him awake for ages, and let him fall asleep downstairs (even though he is fine putting down on his own with cuddles upstairs in his cotbed. (my mother has no problems at all.)

Is it a step to far if i write down a list of what needs doing or just reinforce the routine (which really works well for us)

Another thing grating me is whenever we visit and we stay and put LO down there then head off later, she will deliberately ruin his quiet down by bouncing him about and even saying "oh you should be quieting down now" "bounce,boucne etc....."

Sorry long one..

OP posts:
Sidge · 13/03/2011 20:58

If she only has him infrequently it really won't hurt for him not to stick to his routine. As long as he's loved, safe and happy does it really matter?

PaisleyLeaf · 13/03/2011 20:58

I know it's pesky when they're perhaps tired from it when you've got them back again afterwards. But really you're baby will see that 'this is how we do things at home' and 'this is how we do things at gran's'. So it shouldn't interfere with you're set times at home.

mnistooaddictive · 13/03/2011 21:00

How often does she look after him? If it is occasionally when you visit it probably doesn't matter. If she looks after him every week then that is the price of free childcare. It is very frustrating but i doubt there iis anything you can do about it.

comedycentral · 13/03/2011 21:05

I wouldn't worry too much if it was every now and then, I would just let her get on with it.

ssd · 13/03/2011 21:09

I don't think your MIL will take to kindly to you writing her a list of what your baby needs, she has actually done all this before.......

and just remember, your baby is only 8 months, the day will come when you can't wait for her to babysit him to give you a break so if I was you I wouldn't piss her off too much now

diddl · 13/03/2011 21:09

I can´t help thinking that if someone else is looking after them for you as a favour, then unless it´s going to be really detrimental to baby, they should pretty much do what works for them.

She obviously wants to spend time with him & enjoy him when she gets the chance.

Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 21:09

No she doesn't look after him much! rarely actually... we normally visit as a family, and boy it is very difficult for us when we get home!

Just when i hear he has been up till 9pm (his bedtime is at 6.30) playing i can really tell the next day how grouchy he is- not wanting to be put down on his own when he will normally happily play on his own!

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ConnorTraceptive · 13/03/2011 21:10

This falls into the category of picking your battles carefully. If it's an infrequent thing and doesn't affect him getting back into a normal routine with you then let it go. Babies are fairly adaptable. I have to turn a blind eye to my dad giving the ds cake for breakfast when we visit but hey ho!

MrsSnow · 13/03/2011 21:10

MILs generally just do their own thing regardless.

ssd · 13/03/2011 21:10

too kindly

ssd · 13/03/2011 21:11

so poppy she's babysitting so you can go out?

"Just when i hear he has been up till 9pm (his bedtime is at 6.30) playing i can really tell the next day how grouchy he is- not wanting to be put down on his own when he will normally happily play on his own!"

think yourself lucky girl and for God sake pick your battles

Icoulddoitbetter · 13/03/2011 21:17

OP I understand your frustration, my MIL was the same for quite a long time with my DS. I just kept reinforcing it every time we went, and eventually she started doing it my way.

I was quite uptight about it as it took DS a long time to start sleeping through, so I got really tense if his routine was broken, I was knackered! I know my MIL thinks I'm a crazy control freak but i did explain my reasons and she respected this!.

I know that one night doesn't make a huge difference, but in my head it did. Just because they are being kind enough to babysit for you, doesn't mean that they can completely ignore your routine requests, unless they are unreasonable, which your's definitely aren't.

Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 21:18

No im not going out lol! She insists she looks after him, im just sat at home watching tv this wednesday (evening shes looking after him). And the previous times its been the same aswell, havent actually been "out". Money is tight and im expecting no.2.

and i can understand she wantd playtime, cuddles etc. but when we see her it is weekends- and normally 5-6hours during the day?!

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Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 21:19

LO has just started sleeping through too..

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LittleMissHissyFit · 13/03/2011 21:22

Could you tell her that it's really distressing for him to be so tired and while you are sure a little stretching of his bed time is understandable, 9pm really does bring unreasonable consequences for everyone.

Or the alternative is that you let her have him for 2 days, so she gets the shitty end of the deal, the fall out... Grin

Keep explaining the whys, and talk about his despair when he gets over tired. All DC are the same if they haven't slept, my DS is 5 and he STILL bawls if he's tired.

compo · 13/03/2011 21:22

I wouldn't let her have him until his older to be honest
just visit as a family on a Sunday morning
let him stick to his routine in the evenings

Flisspaps · 13/03/2011 21:25

If you're not happy with the way she looks after him, then just say 'No thank you', especially if you don't need her to look after him - she can't insist if you don't say she can!

Booandpops · 13/03/2011 21:26

I would leave this one. Just not worth it. This stage will pass very quickly. When he is an exhUasting toddler she will be happy to put him to bed on time It won't effect him longterm other than a grumpy day after. Price to pay I'm afraid.

ssd · 13/03/2011 21:29

even if you are sat at home its still a break isn't it!!

and you'll find with no. 2 all routine goes out the window at first and you'll be desperatly glad of your MIL's help

as I said pick your battles

HoegaardenHappiness · 13/03/2011 21:30

Start as you mean to carry on. If she's not listening now then she'll never listen and it will only get worse.

Perhaps pick this battle so she knows she does it your way or it doesn't happen.

Ask nicely that she follows the routine. Write it out. If she doesn't then just make sure it's a while between visits.

8mths old should not be kept up til 9pm if they usually go to bed at 6.30pm. Personally I think that is cruel and selfish of her.

Good luck!

Icoulddoitbetter · 13/03/2011 21:43

OP ia she the kind of person you can sit down with and explain why this is important to you? Then you can guilt her into doing what you want!

Personally I have no qualms in being very vocal about what I want. The last time we stayed with MIL I went out to get food when DH was supposed to be putting DS to bed. When I got back, he was running up and down the lounge being egged on by DH, BIL, SIL and MIL. I made it very clear that I was not happy! As I said, they think I'm mad but I care not one jot.

ssd · 13/03/2011 21:49

Jesus wept. you lot Sad

who'd be a MIL, eh?

Sidge · 13/03/2011 21:58

I'm with you ssd.

I'd give my right arm to have my in laws local enough to help out occasionally with my children and wouldn't give a flying fart what they do with them when I'm not there as long as they are still alive when I get them back Grin

Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 22:01

Erm, not really the sort of person i could sit down and guilt trip! When i try and put LO down for a afternoon nap if we are at hers and its been a struggle for longer than 3mins or OH is putting him down, she will make the remark to one of us that "oh he isn't tired at all, he doesn't want to go to bed" He normally falls asleep in the next 5mins.. a little smug look from me (hidden)
Dont get me wrong she is wonderful with LO, sometimes a bit too much but you've got to bite your tounge on some things!
but this one... i just can't seem to.

It's not like my routine is "strict, to the dot" it just helps me and LO be happier, calmer at bedtime and for the next day!

Luckily iv just spoken to my OH about this and he agrees that his mum should follow the routine- heres hoping he will have the balls to say something!

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 22:05

Oh its not just cause she's my MIL, id still have the rant if it was my own mother btw.
And..
Sidge- "not giving a flying fart etc." wouldn't you prefer happy, not overtired alive children,then grumpy, overtired alive children?

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