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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL sticking to routine.

69 replies

poppyjk · 13/03/2011 20:55

So am i being unreasonable asking MIL to stick to a routine when she is looking after LO (8 months old)
She doesn't look after him much as im a SAHM and we tend to visit as a family!

All the times she has looked after him she hasn't sticked to my routine i have with him- quiet time, book/bath, bottle bed, and set times.
She will happily keep him awake for ages, and let him fall asleep downstairs (even though he is fine putting down on his own with cuddles upstairs in his cotbed. (my mother has no problems at all.)

Is it a step to far if i write down a list of what needs doing or just reinforce the routine (which really works well for us)

Another thing grating me is whenever we visit and we stay and put LO down there then head off later, she will deliberately ruin his quiet down by bouncing him about and even saying "oh you should be quieting down now" "bounce,boucne etc....."

Sorry long one..

OP posts:
MrsGravy · 13/03/2011 22:08

Agree with ssd.

How depressing :( Cruel and selfish?!

Honestly OP, as it's a one in a while thing, I'd just let it go. Yes, it would grate on me a bit if I had to deal with a knackered baby the next day but it's really not worth potentially upsetting or offending her over it. Grandparents like to spoil their grandchildren and enjoy spending time with them, it's a nice thing. Albeit with unpleasant consequences for you the next day!

Sidge · 13/03/2011 22:15

Well, if it's only occasionally then grumpy overtired children would be a small price to pay for a break from them.

But then I never get a break from my children, and they rarely get to see their grandparents, so a bit of a trade off wouldn't really bother me.

After all they'd only be tired and grumpy for one day as you'd have them back on track the next night.

Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 22:30

Cruel and selfish? - I don't understand...

Ok Sidge FP and your rightly so, own opinion! Just not the way i feel.
I think aswell that whenever anyone else has looked after LO, they think of me the next day/ evening later too (ask and stick to how i do things) as having fun, countless cuddles etc.

OP posts:
moajab · 13/03/2011 22:41

My parents inevitably hype up my children and throw all the rules we have out the window, for example if they don't eat dinner they don't get a pudding. At my parents if they don't eat dinner they get two helpings of pudding to fill them up! Of course it drives me up the wall, but they have built up fantastic relationships with my DCs and I think they benefit from having a different sort of relationship with them than to us.
By contrast my MIL would always follow any rules to the letter, but didn't really build up her own relationship with them, as she was too busy trying to be another parent.
I had/have wonderful relationships with my grandparents. And I'm pleased my children have that with their grandparents. My suggestion is let your MIL be a doting grandparent rather than having to be another parent, especially as it doesn't happen often.

pumpkinaobscura · 13/03/2011 22:46

YOur MIL sounds rude and inconsiderate but there's no way you'll change her so you need to weigh up which is more important for you, the atmosphere created by trying to get what you want or letting her do what she wants.

Clytaemnestra · 13/03/2011 22:51

If it's in the evening, and the OP isn't going out then it's not a break is it? Once the baby is down for the night it doesn't make any difference at all to the OP if he is in her house asleep or someone else's house, it's not some huge favour she must be grateful for.

I would ask her to stick to the routine please.

rubyrubyruby · 13/03/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/03/2011 23:31

I think ruby's right - Grandmas are there to do a bit of spoiling, and what your MIL is doing isn't that bad, in the grand scheme of things. She's not smoking around him, or leaving him to play with a pitbull terrier, or giving him cola to drink.

Actually, I think that it is good for children to learn to be flexible about their routines - and for parents to learn this too because it will make your life far easier. Emergencies happen, and routines have to go out of the window. Or there's a special event, and your little one ends up staying up late for it. Just make the next day a relaxed, laid-back and restful day.

RitaMorgan · 13/03/2011 23:37

Some of you need to chill out! The world won't end if your pfb isn't in bed on time every night.

If it was all the time then maybe you'd have a point OP, but staying up late occasionally with grandma isn't a big deal.

Original poster
poppyjk · 13/03/2011 23:37

I dont disagree GP are there for spoiling, of course they are! But putting their grandchild to bed at a reasonable hour doesn't seem much to me?! Especially as he is so young and has just settled into his routine and sleeping through! He knows when its bed time- from his routine beforehand, and he is so content and relaxed before bed. Whereas when he doesn't get to bed on time hes irritable etc. and is a real struggle to put to bed and stay in bed all night!
Fair enough, emergencies happen and routines do go out the window, iv experienced this already when we had to take a trip up to a+e, but if its not one... then i dont think a baby should be made to stay awake and fufil GP entertainment when she has had plenty of time during the day for it!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/03/2011 23:40

See this is what happens if you are a stickler for routine at home. I think it is really good for children to be a bit flexible when they are little, life can't always be the same every day.

If it bothers you that much then just say 'no thank you' when she asks to have him.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2011 01:55

YANBU! My mil always messed up my babies routines when they stayed over, she would wake them up at every oportunity just so she could play with themHmm

I was grateful that she wanted to babysit, and that she loves her dgc so much, but she wasn't the one who had to deal with miserable, over-tired, screaming babies the next day.

However, now when they stay over (all 4 of them) she is desperate for them to be in bed asap, and she is the overtired, miserable screaming one the next dayGrin

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2011 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffronwblue · 14/03/2011 03:49

I think the question is whether she is really trying to undermine you or whether she just wants to have fun with her grandchild. I have had an undermining mother in law . For example , when I was an anxious older first time mother who had read too much about SIDS my MIL said "Oh don't worry about all that sleep on their back stuff, I will just put him on his front to sleep while you are out."

MrsBonkers · 14/03/2011 04:36

I agree with the sentiment 'pick your battles.'
If this is really upsetting you, rather than just bugging you a bit, then this might be a battle you pick.
Could you find a time to ask her what kind of routine she had with your DH? That way you are acknowleging her experience at the same time as showing routine is important to you.
Or next time she says LO isn't tired, say "I find a routine really helps him wind down. I'll write it down for you next time as I really appitiate you looking after him and want to make it as easy as possible for you."

seoraemaeul · 14/03/2011 05:03

Agree with picking your battles - the wee one is only 8 months old. You have SOOOO many things to get upset about in the next few years that this one will seem insignificant.
If you do decide to say something then be prepared for the fall out. Of course you may be lucky and she'll accept it, equally she may get very upset and either stop helping out with the baby (and when baby2 arrives you are going to want all the help you can get) or start to pick on you for even more things because you made her feel bad.
Only you and DH know which way things will go but seriously think it through before taking it further.

Bluebell44 · 14/03/2011 06:58

I'm on your side Poppy. If you can get your DH to explain to her that if he doesn't go to bed on time then you two have a very unhappy and grouchy baby the next day how can she argue. Could she really insist that her desires are more important? I hope not for your sake.

I do think this needs to be raised as it is going to spoil your feelings towards her. Perhaps you could "trade" for her taking him out in the pram by herself during your visits? Or something like that.

I would be annoyed too. I think it needs careful handling but should be possible unless she is quite dense! Good luck with it.

Bubbaluv · 14/03/2011 07:11

I tend to dance around these issues so I can address them without directly upsetting anyone.
In your case I would drop into conversation that (for some reason you dream up) your baby ended up staying up late and it made him terribly grouchy the next day.
No point upsetting someone who undoubtedly means no harm.

diddl · 14/03/2011 09:43

Well if it´s a case of MIL visiting you, why not just carry on with your routine yourself?Confused

Shelpit · 14/03/2011 10:15

Speaking as a Granny I would like to point out that my Grandchildren go to bed and fall asleep quickly when at home, but when they stay over with me it takes them forever to fall asleep due to the excitement of someone other than mum or dad putting them to bed.

So when you MIL said that your DS was up late, perhaps she meant it took him that long to settle.

Original poster
poppyjk · 14/03/2011 19:23

I think we are going to say something together, as in the way when we drop LO over say oh his bottle is at 6.15, he'll need a bath before hand (won't bath him tomo so she can wednesday) and just if he is in bed for 6.30 cause he woke early or we are picking him up for his next bottle at 10 and want him to have a few hours sleep as we don't want to pick him up any later as she has work the next day etc and so does OH.
I wish it was the point he was so worked up he wouldn't settle but she even said "oh we were playing and i didn't start putting him down till 9ish"- Even after me mentioning his routine before. My mum and brother (who has his own family) have have no problem putting LO down as long as he has his bedtime routine.
As iv heard before, our child, our way! and i do believe now she should respect both me and my OH by following our routine. And in the future, our ways on discipline, food etc. but that's to come!

OP posts:
ssd · 15/03/2011 19:50

posted earlier by Clytaemnestra Sun 13-Mar-11 22:51:21

"If it's in the evening, and the OP isn't going out then it's not a break is it? Once the baby is down for the night it doesn't make any difference at all to the OP if he is in her house asleep or someone else's house, it's not some huge favour she must be grateful for"

you try never having a babysitter for your kids, never having a night off or someone other than you or dh putting them to bed night after night, then tell me its not a break!!!!

I'd be grateful for anyone except me or dh putting the kids to bed whilst I sat on my arse, yes that would be a break!!!

ssd · 15/03/2011 19:55

ah poppyjk, you are due another baby, is that right?

sorry to smirk, but your precious routine and your "my way or the highway" attitude will be turned upside down and inside out soon!Grin

report back when your baby is born and your world is upside down, will you?

I can guarantee you , you will be grateful for any help your MIL gives

liggerscharter · 15/03/2011 19:57

I don't understand this thread at all?

Your not even one year old stays overnight at grannies even though you don't need a babysitter to go out or do anything and the baby sleeps through anyway so it doesn't give you a rest at night?

Why are you sending him? Just keep him with you if you want him to do things your way. It's pretty unusual to leave such a small baby overnight (IMO and IME) so why do it if there is nothing in it for you?

YABU scheduling him to such a degree though!

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/03/2011 20:03

I dread being a MIL, if my DIL told me how to look after a baby i'd be Angry

If you stop her babysitting it will bite you in the future when you need one or want a night out. Think yourself grateful she cares enough to want to do it, some people get no help at all and would swap places with you in an instant rather than have a hissy fit that things are not going their way with their PFB.