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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is rude? kids' parties taking priority all the time.

102 replies

mickeynminnie · 13/03/2011 10:12

it seems that attending every kids' party going has become a priority for my friends.

this has happened 3 times to me now, I have invited friends and dcs for lunch on a Sat or Sun, they've accepted but then said their dc have a party to go to, so they'll have to leave early - but they'll come earlier, so we can spend a bit of time together. Inevitably they arrive late. So I've found myself hanging round at home for the morning, friends eventually arrive, 30 mins later sit down to lunch, have lunch, 30 mins later they leave to get dc to party. Leaves me feeling like a catering service. One lot stayed for barely an hour!

AIBU to think that if they've accepted my invitation they shouldn't accept the kids' party one too? If they've accepted the kids' party, they say they can't come to me and we find another date?

Everyone I know with kids in Reception, Yr 1 or Yr 2 seems to spend nearly every weekend going to children's parties! And are horrified at the idea that their dc should now and again "miss out" on a party.

Another friend had a go at me as we can't make her dd's 4th bday party as we have already accepted an invitation to see some other friends. (I do have young dc btw, perhaps I will change my mind once ds starts school? )

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 13/03/2011 21:53

YA sooooo NBU!!

Completely agree with you. There should be a balance. Childrens parties are not the be all and end of life, and it doesn't matter if they miss a few. Sometimes family and friends arrangements should come first.

Your friends are being v rude. Next time I would be v firm with the time - 'looking forward to seeing you as arranged, please come at xpm'

Dancergirl · 13/03/2011 21:57

'I can see why children - and adults too - would consider a birthday celebration to have more importance than a lunch with friends'

But children have to learn that the world doesn't revolve round them and sometimes, yes it's disappointing but M and D have an arrangement and you will have to miss X's party.

Children go to soooo many parties these days, it all gets a bit much. I blame the 'invite the whole class' mentality. I would be quite happy for my child not to be invited to every party going.

elphabadefiesgravity · 13/03/2011 22:09

YABU. If it came between expecting an adult to understnad that an arrangement has to change and upsetting my 6 year old by telling him that he can't go to his friend's party then I know which one I will choose.

its not just parties either, dd only found out 2 weeks ago she has to go for ballet exam practice next Sunday.

And some of us can only hold children's parties on Sundays becasue we work Saturdays.

ragged · 13/03/2011 22:12

Ahem, my some children don't get invited to hardly any parties at all. But I guess that's another discussion!

Where do you live, OP? I'll be your one token friend & parent of young children who never blows you off to take a DC to a party event.

Dancergirl · 13/03/2011 22:14

elpha - I would worry about a child who's never had to deal with a minor disappointment, it's part of life. I think it's extremely rude for an adult to change an arrangement because something else has come up.

WhatKatieDid · 13/03/2011 22:15

read the OP, elpha, that means you would have 3 weeks to tell the OP (your host) you couldn't make it and rearrange, really not what she's talking about at all!

MrsGravy · 13/03/2011 22:16

YANBU. I have been chuckling away at this thread to be honest - the idea that small children MUST go to every single party or they won't be adequately socialised is just so silly!!!

Balance in everything I say, as a family unit, sometimes the adults come first, sometimes the children. In the 'whole class party' phase there will always be another (usually very similar) party to attend within a matter of weeks, so missing a few really isn't going to devestate anybody. We make a special effort for small parties where my child has been one of a few invited, if I've accepted an invite I honour it. But, hell yes, I will turn them down if I've already made plans to see friends or family. My god, what kind of monsters would I be creating if my kids thought our entire weekend plans revolved around them and only them every single week?!

Dancergirl · 13/03/2011 22:18

Exactly MrsGravy, couldn't have put it better myself!

elphabadefiesgravity · 13/03/2011 22:22

I guess I come from the point of view that my children have to miss all Saturday parties, even if it their best friend, so to ask them to miss a sunday one too would be a bit tight on them.

They miss out on a lot of social activities with friends because of mine and dh's working hours.

Then again we never go to friends for Sunday lunch anyway. To be honest we don't really have many friends locally, dh works away so his work colleagues/friends are miles away and I havn't really got any friends as such.

WhatKatieDid · 13/03/2011 22:25

probably more important to teach the child good manners, such as honouring your word, following through with what you've said you'll do and not being frickin flaky than making sure they never have any tiny disappointment and always get exactly what they think they want at that moment, imho.

am surprised that anyone doesn't find the kind of behaviour the OP is talking about rude, tbh.

freshmint · 13/03/2011 22:27

I can see that elpha - if mine couldn't go to any saturday ones I'd be laxer about sunday

and mourn my roasts

pumpkinaobscura · 13/03/2011 22:28

I don't really understand this thread. Noone I know socialises on the weekend. We leave each other to our families. I've never considered whether party times are inconvenient. DD gets invited, she goes. She's missing 2 swimming lessons in a row for parties this month. So be it.

MrsGravy · 13/03/2011 22:30

Socialising on the weekend isn't that hard to understand is it?! It's not like some kind of wierd activity - we're talking about meeting up for lunch not dogging

pumpkinaobscura · 13/03/2011 22:35

Not hard to understand, just doesn't happen

WhatKatieDid · 13/03/2011 22:37

Lol at mrsgravy and dogging. if you don't socialise that's fine, it's not an issue for you. But the OP chooses to socialise and her friends choose to accept, then let her down last minute or treat her as some sort of (free) canteen. If you did accept an invitation to socialise, would you think it acceptable to then behave like that because DD had yet another party? swimming lessons not exactly the same kettle of fish, noone is really putting themselves out for them and you've (presumably) paid for them, it's up to you if you waste that money by not having the lesson.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 13/03/2011 22:38

YABU

They are trying to meet the desires of the whole family - which they can do. If you only want to make lunch for them if they stay x amount of time you should tell them that.

Frankly I'd rather see my friends for an hour or two and still leave time for their kids to go to a birthday party than the child miss out or not see them at all.

You say you have turned down a party that your DS was invited to because you have something else on... it's much easier to do that when they are nursery age, because they don't even know that they're missing out - it's different once they're at school and know they're missing out on Fred's party because Mum wouldn't take them.

I'm not saying the world should revolve around them all the time, but a birthday party invitation is very important to children and it seems very mean to make them miss out when you don't need to.

nancydrewfoundaclue · 13/03/2011 22:39

pumpkin we're rarely on our own on a weekend - always seem to have a house full - which is just the way I like it.

I try to accomodate my DC's party invites as best I can. The older two are 4 & 6 and it does appear to be enormously important to them to attend parties. Certainly as far as DD is concerned you might as well be talking about the social event of the year when it comes to a classmates party. They talk about it for weeks beforehand and weeks after.

Original poster

mickeynminnie · 13/03/2011 23:00

MrsGravy - I think I love you, your name and your dogging comment!

ragged you're welcome for lunch any time!

and just to say it again for all those who can't read...

if guests don't want the child to miss out that's fine by me, they only have to decline the offer.
if they say they'll come early because they have to leave early then they should have the courtesy to stick to that.

OP posts:

erminghildahorstschatt · 13/03/2011 23:03

I certainly wouldn't allow my child to attend a friend's party if it were to interfere with my dogging commitments.

HalfPastWine · 13/03/2011 23:05

I think the whole kids party thing has got out of hand. My friend's daughter goes to at least two every weekend and last Sunday went to two in one day. I too have had invitations declined because she doesn't want her daughter to miss out on a party.

waffleanddaub · 13/03/2011 23:20

So we raise a whole group of children who can't deal with disappointment, or not being included? If they don't learn this when they are younger how do you help them do so when they are teenagers and coping with all the challenges they have then?

I agree with those who say the whole party thing has got out of hand. Not to mention the cost of it all. I sound like a bit of a grump but I have held parties and my DC have gone to them. They are enjoyable. I just think it's blown out of proportion.

sunnydelight · 14/03/2011 04:50

YANBU. In a family situation you meet people's needs as best you can, kids learn to deal with disappointment occasionally, if it's something they desperately want to do - like a best friend's party - you try and make it happen for them.

I find the idea that kids must go to every available party in order to be properly socialized totally bizarre, but if it works for you then go for your life. Manners are more important to me, and I think changing plans "because something better came up" unspeakably rude, but that's just my thing.

We have three kids well spread in age and we often socialise with other families with lots of kids at the weekends; there is rarely a "perfect match" for the kids so we all try and balance it as best we can. We had a lunch recently where one parent had to go and collect a child from somewhere between courses, and another situation where timings were difficult because of sports commitments so we shifted it to early supper rather than lunch. If we all waited for a time where none of our kids had something else on we would rarely see each other; that's obviously more of an issue with older kids though.

MoonGirl1981 · 14/03/2011 05:01

How strange. Round here parties happen on Saturdays between 3pm and 5pm.

Who are the oddballs having 11am Sunday children's parties?

No, you're not being unreasonable. If they've made plans with you then they've made plans with you. Cancelling or going early is rude.

That said, why doesn't one parent nip and and take the child to the party and then come back to you?

elphabadefiesgravity · 14/03/2011 10:01

I am the oddball having a party at that time becasue at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon both dh and I are at work.

Loads of parties at my chidlren's school are on Sundays.

erminghildahorstschatt · 14/03/2011 22:13

If you're planning a party, it costs money, you need to book the venue in advance (if not poss. to do at home), time slots may be already booked, other children may have a party on that day too. You might also want to get an entertainer, organise the food, party bags and so on. Then wait for replies from parents, chase them up and so on.

This is why when my dd is invited to a party alongside her pleasure that she's been invited I am unlikely to turn the invite down. If we'd already arranged a holiday, there was an emergency etc. then she couldn't go. Otherwise she would.

DD has her party this week. A couple of children can't come because of family commitments, that's fine. Luckily we don't know anyone who'd turn it down because they don't do meal time parties or parties between 3 and 5 on saturdays or they want to teach their children that life's not fair - so we've got loads coming.

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