to think this is rude? kids' parties taking priority all the time.

[mickeynminnie]

it seems that attending every kids' party going has become a priority for my friends.

this has happened 3 times to me now, I have invited friends and dcs for lunch on a Sat or Sun, they've accepted but then said their dc have a party to go to, so they'll have to leave early - but they'll come earlier, so we can spend a bit of time together. Inevitably they arrive late. So I've found myself hanging round at home for the morning, friends eventually arrive, 30 mins later sit down to lunch, have lunch, 30 mins later they leave to get dc to party. Leaves me feeling like a catering service. One lot stayed for barely an hour!

AIBU to think that if they've accepted my invitation they shouldn't accept the kids' party one too? If they've accepted the kids' party, they say they can't come to me and we find another date?

Everyone I know with kids in Reception, Yr 1 or Yr 2 seems to spend nearly every weekend going to children's parties! And are horrified at the idea that their dc should now and again "miss out" on a party.

Another friend had a go at me as we can't make her dd's 4th bday party as we have already accepted an invitation to see some other friends. (I do have young dc btw, perhaps I will change my mind once ds starts school? )

OP, how old are your children? Are they not rushing off to loads of parties too?

I think it is very important for children to go to the parties that they have been invited to as it's all about being part of the same social group. Particularly so for girls. However, I wouldn't stress too much about missing the odd one, especially if not a very close friend.

IME the children go to millions of parties in reception / Y1, and then it gradually tails off, thank God!

We now have the problem of evening/sleepover parties clashing with our plans for grown-ups only nights out

Just a word of warning - once the reception/yr1/yr2 parties tail off, commitments to other activities (sports etc) increase. There's rarely a free weekend in this house and we get booked up literally months in advance

Bonsoir - perhaps not in your experience. But certainly in most people's. Have a look at the huge volume of threads about friendship/bullying issues.

Just because there are plenty of threads doesn't mean it's a majority issue, though.

If parents adopt the kind of attitude that the OP puts forward, I understand why their children might have socialising issues.

BigTillyMint - mine are pre-school and a baby, both boys. ds only just started at pre-school so doesn't really know anyone yet, I don't know if they do class lists there but we haven't been given one and I'm not expecting lots of invitations for the remainder of the school year.

I had no idea that a whole-class party would be hotly anticipated, talked about before and discusssed in the week afterwards by a group of 4 or 5 yr olds - shows how much I have to learn! I would understand the desire to attend if it was a best friend or a small group of best friends going somewhere special though.

we do have invitations to parties, usually to those of my friends' kids, the odd one from people he used to go to nursery with. As I said in my OP we are missing one party because we have already accepted an inviation elsewhere and I'm not prepared to try and shoehorn it all in and end up being late / leaving early.

It's rude to make one arrangement and then try and shoehorn in another activity as well. YANBU about that. Children's parties are important to them though and it is understandable that the parents want to try and accommodate them. Perhaps in that instance the parents had only found out about the party at short notice and didn't want to offend you by changing arrangements already made with you.

I have accepted that now my friends and I have children of pre-school/infant school age weekends are tricky and we just see each other less than we used to. With proper friends you just have to play the long game and know that in a few years you'll be able to get an evening social life back on track.

I cancelled meeting up with a friend and her DCs because DD1 got a sudden invite to a party. DD would have been gutted not to go - there aren't that many whole-class parties in her school so I thought it was important. Friend wasn't offering us lunch, though.

Party invites seem to go out two weeks (max three weeks) in advance so it is hard to plan weekend events in advance. If your friends are making a habit of shoehorning you in, then I would ring to confirm the arrangement a couple of days before. If they say they have to come early/leave early etc then cancel. Or perhaps start having your get-togethers later in the day.

You are basically right, but it is so hard to coordinate kids' social arrangements and your own. There is no standard etiquette any more so you will save yourself a lot of irritation if you adapt.

Agree with OP. These parties drive me mad. However, why is it always the mums that have to take the kids? Surely Dads should also do their share of taking the kids to these parties?

harsh Bonsoir! Don't you think it's rude for people to accept 2 invitations and mess someone around with changing times of arrival and announcing an early departure to suit themselves?

If people want to spend their weekends going to children's parties, fine. But they shouldn't expect me to sit at home waiting for them to arrive, serve them lunch and then wave them on their early way.

I'd have thought you would be hot on manners, clearly not.

Georgie - each time different friends have said "we'd love to come for lunch. oh but dd/ds has a party at 2. how about we come in the morning as we'll have to leave in time for that?" Fine I have naively said.

then they end up arriving late, because getting out of the house with kids on a weekend morning takes time, and the later you leave it the worse the traffic gets, so they arrive late, eat lunch and go!

Manners are difficult if everyone involved is trying to impose the agenda that suits them best without taking other people's priorities into account. That's the issue you've got with your friends.

Mickey - it is really rude to come, eat and go. You are right on that. But you need to find a different arrangement as clearly the lunch one doesn't suit friends with older children.

You are absolutely NBU Mickey.

If that's the case I'd just say we'll have to make it another day when you don't have to rush off. The problem is that you are trying to be a good friend and accommodate them, and then seething about it afterwards. That isn't fun and breeds resentment.

Bonsoir, you mean I'm "imposing" my agenda? Or my friends are imposing theirs? I have nil problem with being turned down if they have a prior engagement. I resent being messed about. I am also surprised that people put their dc's socialising above their own every single time.

Why not take your dcs to lunch where they know the adults and the children well? I know from some friends that their dcs sometimes barely know the kid whose party it is because of the whole-class inviting thing!

Georgimama, good advice. It's nice that people want to come for lunch, but not good that it leaves me feeling rather cross with them!

Just because there are plenty of threads doesn't mean it's a majority issue, though.

I'm not surprised that people put their child's needs above their own social lives - I do it continually.

Just don't allow yourself to be messed about. "No" is a complete sentence and an underused word.

"Is it OK if we come at 12 and leave at 1 as DD has a party to go to?"

"No. Perhaps we could do next Sunday instead?"

x posted with you there!

I also agree with Bonsoir. I think that childrens' parties are very important at primary school. DS is in reception and he has gone to every single party he has been invited to both in nursery and reception apart from one when he was ill so couldn't go.

Going to see friends can be rearranged - parties genearlly aren't.

eg this weekend PILs wanted to come and see us. Fine - I said to MIL to wait until I knew if a particular party was on Sat or Sun and she would come the other day. Far from being offended, she was very happy DS would have the pleasure of seeing his GPs and also the pleasure of going to the party.

OP - YABU IMO. Lots of people disagree but I think they are a great intro to socialising etc and DS absolutely adores them. We've had SIX so far in 2011 .

I think it sends a bizarre message to children if their social requirements are put ahead of the family as a whole.

Some of my best and longest enduring friendships are with the children of my parent's friends. We spent great days/weekends together growing up.
Also think that teaching children to socialise in an adult environment is incredibly important.

All the brats I know are the ones whose parents run around indulging their every whim and making sure they never 'miss out'.

Yes parties are important, but not every party.

A lot of conventional wisdom has been spouted on this thread (conventional being the operative word) - parties, sleepovers, holiday camps - are they really all that important? I certainly never did the last two of these. My DD gets invited to loads (always the same old routine/ faces, the learning curve is honestly not as steep as some people are implying it is). My DS is barely invited to any - guess who is the deeper thinker, full of novel ideas with an amazing imagination? Bopping around to Space Pirates and shouting out "yes you did!" a hundred times over to a hired entertainer are rather overrated these days

So children who don't go to whole class parties are better mannered and deeper thinkers? What a load of codswallop.

I would send ds1 to a party at 10pm on Christmas eve if he would only get invited to one, so YABU from my point of view.

Georgie - I'm not saying that children shouldn't go to these things, merely that it isn't necessary to go to them all. And IMO if the family has a prior social engagement then a party for one DC should get a 'thanks but no thanks'