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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is rude? kids' parties taking priority all the time.

102 replies

mickeynminnie · 13/03/2011 10:12

it seems that attending every kids' party going has become a priority for my friends.

this has happened 3 times to me now, I have invited friends and dcs for lunch on a Sat or Sun, they've accepted but then said their dc have a party to go to, so they'll have to leave early - but they'll come earlier, so we can spend a bit of time together. Inevitably they arrive late. So I've found myself hanging round at home for the morning, friends eventually arrive, 30 mins later sit down to lunch, have lunch, 30 mins later they leave to get dc to party. Leaves me feeling like a catering service. One lot stayed for barely an hour!

AIBU to think that if they've accepted my invitation they shouldn't accept the kids' party one too? If they've accepted the kids' party, they say they can't come to me and we find another date?

Everyone I know with kids in Reception, Yr 1 or Yr 2 seems to spend nearly every weekend going to children's parties! And are horrified at the idea that their dc should now and again "miss out" on a party.

Another friend had a go at me as we can't make her dd's 4th bday party as we have already accepted an invitation to see some other friends. (I do have young dc btw, perhaps I will change my mind once ds starts school? )

OP posts:

Original poster

mickeynminnie · 13/03/2011 12:03

babyapplejack - but I didn't say I didn't agree with parties, or people going to them, I was asking if IABU to think that people shouldn't accept two invitations with the result that someone (me!) is messed about. all the promises of arriving early come to nothing and then the guests go early. Your MIL example is perfect.

I admit I am surprised that some people would always always put their dc's socialising ahead of their own, even for an all class party just like any other but that's just an opinion, I don't think it's reasonable or unreasonable to be for or against that, it's just how people priorities their lives and those of their dc. But when it means you are putting other people out, you need to be up front and not try to do it all.

Accepting lunch at my house rather suggests that the adults do want their bit of social time, but can't bring themselves to say no to a dc party invitation. They need to decide which is the most important invitation for their family and stick to it!

OP posts:

figcake · 13/03/2011 12:05

Georgie - Not always, but most original thinkers start out as misfits, loners or likely to have a small group of friends outside of the social whirl (this can apply to their parents too )

pointydog · 13/03/2011 12:05

Being a deep thinker is over-rated.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:06

It depends on the party-if it is just one of those huge 'everyone goes' then I don't see why but if it is a true friend then it is more difficult. The adults give and accept the invitations-the DC hasn't had much of a say in the first place!Just go without DC.

pointydog · 13/03/2011 12:09

I think there are two simple ways around the op's problem.

Don;t invite people over more than a week in advance.
Think of other timings that aren't Sat/Sun bang in the middle of the day.

I can see why children - and adults too - would consider a birthday celebration to have more importance than a lunch with friends.

Georgimama · 13/03/2011 12:13

What pointydog said. I'd rather DS was popular, frankly. Being a "deep thinker" as a child didn't make my childhood noticeably happier than my happy go lucky brother's, nor my adult life any more successful. The opposite, in fact.

diddl · 13/03/2011 12:18

I think the problem is more with your friends trying to fit both things in & not managing tbh.

I would want to do both if possible as then adult and child are both probably doing what they would prefer.

Do these frinds not have partners who could take the child to the party whilst friend lunches with you?

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:18

I was a 'deep thinker' I don't rate it! It makes life hard. I would also have hoped, as a DC, that if I had a friend's party invitation that my parents may have let me opt out of lunch with family friends.(i.e. family friends tend to be parent's friends)

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 12:19

If I invited a family I wouldn't be at all offended if a DC went off to a party. Why does it matter if you have the rest?

E320 · 13/03/2011 12:31

Children's parties in the E320 world happen on Saturday afternoons between 3pm and 5pm. No exceptions. No Sundays, either. Possible weekday during school holidays.
I'd never invite anyone to lunch on a Saturday, but Sunday lunch is very different, can start at 11:30 and continue until supper time .
As for the socialising aspect, I think that is a load of codswallop. Mine certainly did not invite their entire class, just best/good friends. I thought it was more important for them to learn "discrimination" and to learn that not everyone "can" be best friends with their entire class.
As for having friends to stay the night or going to stay the night at a friend's house, I regarded this as something entirely different and nothing to do with being invited to tea parties at all.

pointydog · 13/03/2011 12:33

The E320 world must be tiny

WhatKatieDid · 13/03/2011 12:34

YANBU. If people have accepted an invitation to come to you, they should turn down other invitations.

Recently we had a party for DS turning 2, invited some v old friends of ours with 3 DCs. The mum told me that her DD had a party that morning, so they may be a little late. we were doing an open house style thing all afternoon so that wasn't a problem at all. She also said DS had been invited to another party that afternoon but had decided he wanted to come to ours more so all 3 DCs would be there, plus the two parents. On the day, at about 4.30/5, i got a text saying they wouldn't make it as DD had gone home to a friend's house from the previous party and was still there, DS had decided to actually go to this other party and the youngest DD was wearing shit cloths, so wasn't fit to be seen in public!!! I was fuming. I had done party bags for all 3, included all 5 in catering etc (as we did food for adults too). You always get drop outs from illness and stuff, so i was really annoyed that they didn't come for such silly/rude reasons!

If you've said you'll go somewhere, go!!!

saffy85 · 13/03/2011 12:51

YANBU It is very rude to make arrangements with someone and then cancel/change them when you get a better offer.

Different situation but my landlord has cancelled on me several times an hour or so before he is due to come round and twice has been because his DC have birthday parties to go too. So I've arranged my weekends so he can come round to check his house is still standing and turned down things for my DD to do for nothing.

The other reasons are worse though. "My wife has some shopping to do and I must look after the children".

buttonmooncup · 13/03/2011 13:27

YABU. I wouldn't want dd to miss out on a friends party. Even if it's not her best friend I wouldn't want her to be the only one not going. I think my friends/family would understand this and not expect me to drag a reluctant child round to dinner who would rather be at a party - surely that would be no fun for anyone?
Can't see why it would be an issue though - party invites we've had have always been sent in a few weeks advance of the party.

buttonmooncup · 13/03/2011 13:29

Obviously that is unless dd would prefer to go to lunch at a friends house - I wouldn't make her go to the party instead.

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/03/2011 13:31

Mine have activities on Sat morning, but plenty of people here still have Sat morning parties. Mine go to the 'key' ones (e.g. best friends/all class party if they haven't had an invite for a while), but I don't feel bad about turning the others down on the basis we are just not available at that time. The children know they can't attend all of them, and we try to take a pressie/card in if a special friend's party is missed. But they do get an awful lot of invites early on, and I don't want to spend every Sat morning doing that, and I've noticed that by Y1/2, more parents are realising this is inconvenient.

I think socialising with friends on Sun is lovely but only if you can be a bit flexible, I think nipping off to take one child to a party is fine, eating and running is not. But you will find yourself that your boys get invited to quite a lot of parties and they may get less keen to socialise with your friends than miss a great class party. I suspect you might start to change your mind a bit once you are the one juggling activities/parties and friends on the weekend.

Original poster

mickeynminnie · 13/03/2011 13:47

agh - I didn't say people should make their kids miss out on parties, though I am surprised that in some families parties always take precedence. I said I thought it was rude that people come, eat and run, in the name of getting to a party for their dc. If they're going to do that, I would rather they turned my invitation down! Or if they suggested coming early, that they did so.

once mine start having all-class invites then I might well agree to let them attend everything (), but if I do I won't then accept other invitations! But I've already turned down a party for my ds because we are set to see some other very dear friends who have dc the same ages as mine, who they've known since birth and who also count as friends.

also wouldn't bother me if only one adult came, or they nipped out to take the dc to the party and came back, but not usually practical round here given roads / traffic and distances.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 13/03/2011 14:02

if the family has a prior social engagement then a party for one DC should get a 'thanks but no thanks'

That sounds like basic good manners to me.

E320 · 13/03/2011 14:14

Pointydog The E320 world is vast and international.

pointydog · 13/03/2011 15:44

And parallel to most people's by the sound of it.

bigTillyMint · 13/03/2011 16:30

mickeandminnie It's a juggling act trying to keep everyone happy when you have school-age children with their own social lives. However, parents with children of the same ages try to understand the difficulties and work round it. Like coming for tea if it clashes with lunch, etc.

And yes, it gets very busy with sports clubs, etc, but at least they are on at the same time every week so you can plan round them.

ragged · 13/03/2011 21:18

Mick&Min: you sound like a lovely friend, inviting family friends around for lunch on a regular basis. I can't remember the last time we got invited by friends around for a meal (maybe once or twice in the last 6 years).

Oh, and yanbu, your friends are prats to mess you about like that.

freebreeze · 13/03/2011 21:30

No no no! Children's parties are not always the proiority. Otherwise they'll learn the world (or at least you world) revolves around them. NOT a good idea at all - goodness knows where that philosophy will get a family in the long term.
No, sometimes they'll go to a party on the week-end and sometimes they won't, 'cos the family have got other plans and that's OK. In fact it'll do them good to fit around you for a change!

freshmint · 13/03/2011 21:47

I have four kids.
If someone invites one to a party between 12 -2 or 1 - 3 on a sunday it makes it utterly impossible to make a sunday lunch and enjoy it with the other 5 of us. Either you aren't around to cook it or you are leaping up at 1.30/1.45 to get the kid.

Very antisocial. they are automatically refused.

If I have people coming round for sunday lunch and the dcs get invited to a party 3 -5, they still can't go because that would be rude for the kids who are coming to have lunch to see them.

They still manage to go to about a party every other week so I think they can survive. Usually on saturdays though

freshmint · 13/03/2011 21:48

ps we had 12 round for lunch today. 15 last weekend. that's like a party in itself

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