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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frickin child free wedding in another country...

57 replies

spammywammy · 12/03/2011 10:36

Have namechanged. Here's one for the MN jury - sorry in advance, it's another child-free wedding scenario.

Ok, around Oct 2010, DH's close friend in Oz tells him he's getting married and can we come to the wedding because he wants DH for man duties. DH says, 'great. We'll be there in April 2011, so if it's then, we can come'. Friend says 'Yay, it's in April!'. Fine. Flights booked. V. expensive city hotel booked so we can be near them for their wedding.

Fast forward 5 months and we get an invite in the post. It's addressed to DH & I. Without wanting to assume anything, DH writes to friend asking if DS can come to the wedding (4yr9mo) No response. I got a bit fed up of waiting (it's now 4 weeks out), so wrote to them this week asking politely if we can bring DS. The correspondence since then has been:

Them: We weren't planning on having children at the wedding... it will be long and boring... the only exception is our DN's... the venue isn't right for children... we have a mate who has a babysitter you can share... etc

Me: Thank you for your response. We don't tend to leave ds with people he doesn't know, so DH will definitely be there, but I'll have to politely decline and stay back with ds. Have a fab day!

Them: Oh no, no, no! That won't do! We simply can't have it! You must come! It's just that we're v. concerned about the venue... and the long night... and the boringness of it... (they repeat the reasons given in their initial email) But, if you really, really can't leave ds with anyone, then he can come.

DH: We will do everything we can to find a babysitter for ds. We won't bring ds because that may upset other guests who've been told 'no kids'. Leave it with us.

That's as far as it's got, but I don't want to go now. I'm annoyed they didn't tell us it was a child-free wedding in the first place and they just presumed we could find someone to look after ds/ would be willing to leave him with any fecker in a country/ city we don't live in! Sure, DH has got lots of friends there... most of whom will be attending the wedding. We have 1 relative who can potentially look after ds, but ds doesn't know her. DH thinks we should suck it right up, accept they've been naive, but deal with it and go.

WWYD?

Disclaimer: yes, they can have their wedding any which way they like; child-free, dwarves in frilly tutu's if they like, their choice etc etc We understand this.

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/03/2011 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 10:42

YANBU. They should have made it clear from the outset that it was a child-free wedding. Nothing wrong with a child-free wedding in my opinion but they are out of order letting you book flights etc then springing this on you.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/03/2011 10:44

so they asked you in October, the wedding is the following April, the invites go out in March? Blimey that is cutting it fine

Go and take DS, don't cut off nose to spite face

They haven't issued a ban on DS so go with good grace - and those without their children - will they have come from another continent? Prolly not, so they can Suck It Up

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 10:45

They were naive and then made it up by inviting your dc..

If anyone gets arsey about you showing up with DS too bad, you have flown in from another country and that seems a good enough reason.

perfumedlife · 12/03/2011 10:50

If you don't feel good leaving ds with unfamiliar relative, take him! Their fault for putting such late stipulations on a wedding so far to travel.

PatriciaHolm · 12/03/2011 10:51

From your original OP it sounds like you were all planning to go to Oz, with DS, even before they mentioned getting married, so the wedding and it's child-free-ness would have had no impact on your flights, just the hotel?

They have been a little naive, in that way that people without kids can be. But at 4.9, I would imagine your son is at school? So relatively used to being without you, with other adults? Ours - almost 5 and 6.5 - would be fine with a babysitter for a day under these circs, and I don't blame the couple for assuming he would be. In fact we left ours with hotel babysitters at 2.5 and 1 for a child-free wedding in Nevis, and they were spoiled rotten Grin.

But if you don't want to do that, go and take him - they would clearly love you to be there - and I'm sure the other guests will be understanding given how far you have travelled.

suzikettles · 12/03/2011 10:52

But they've said you can bring ds so I don't see what the problem is Confused

SeeJaneKick · 12/03/2011 10:54

They haven't thought it out properly. My DH is Aussie and he and his mates tend to be VERY relaxed about dumping leaving 7 or so kids who don't know one another in a room with a DVD and a pile of sweets.

I have seen it with other Aussies too...I think it's another display of how relaxed they are. It caused us friction too...how I wouldn't play ball with this idea of "Oh they'll be alright" kind of attitude.

Just go...go and take the DC. They want you there that much is obvious.

throckenholt · 12/03/2011 11:01

take him with you and leave early if he is not coping. Sounds like there will be at least one other child there with "DN".

DaisySteiner · 12/03/2011 11:04

They've said he can come, not sure what more you want them to do/say tbh.

warthog · 12/03/2011 11:09

yabu

you were already planning on going.

they offered you a friend's babysitter which you refused.

they said you can bring him.

what more do you want?

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 11:09

Maryz - you're right - I'm thinking about this as a compromise.

Boys - we got the invite in Feb, but didn't get a response re. the child free bit until this week.

Patricia - That's right, it's more about hotels than flights as we were always going to go. Great that you felt able to leave your dc with hotel babysitters and I'm sure they're great.

SeeJane - you're spot on.

I think the only reason I'm reluctant to take him is that they're clearly reluctant to make an exception. Sure, they eventually said 'bring him', but not before they reiterated all their reasons for it being child-free.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 12/03/2011 11:10

Just take him.

Not surprised you are pissed off though.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2011 11:12

Your DH should have kept his gob shut.

Bring your DS.

YANBU.

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 11:12

Daisy/ Warthog - I don't want them to do anything ffs. It's up to DH & I to solve it now.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/03/2011 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 11:13

I am not seeing the problem really. Your child is not a tiny baby. He will be perfectly safe with the babysitter who is also looking after another child. I am assuming this babysitter is a person who your friends know and trust. You leave him at school already dont you?

They have also said you can take your child with you anyway, and I am sure other guests will be understanding if they know you are from the other side of the globe.

BluddyMoFo · 12/03/2011 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rabat · 12/03/2011 11:13

What maryz said Smile

DaisySteiner · 12/03/2011 11:18

Don't think my reply warranted a 'ffs'. You've asked for opinions. You sound like hard work - they've suggested several different options and none of them are right. I expect they don't really care whether you bring him or not, so just do what you want.

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 11:18

To all asking this question: what bloody more do you want from them? Answer: nothing. It's our problem to resolve.

Rabat - you & Maryz advice is looking like the answer tbh. Thanks. :)

OP posts:
lesley33 · 12/03/2011 11:23

Yes they should have told you in advance. But now after the exchange of emails YABU.

They offered a babysitter which you didn't want to use. They then said you could bring him. You said no you would sort it. You shouldn't have said this unless you were willing to sort it.

hairylights · 12/03/2011 11:51

You're cutting your nose off to spite your face

"But, if you really, really can't leave ds with anyone, then he can come."

go if you want to go, don't go if you don't want to.

Confused
TattyDevine · 12/03/2011 11:58

"They haven't thought it out properly. My DH is Aussie and he and his mates tend to be VERY relaxed about dumping leaving 7 or so kids who don't know one another in a room with a DVD and a pile of sweets. I have seen it with other Aussies too...I think it's another display of how relaxed they are"

I'm not sure what this has to do with being Aussie, to be fair. I am Aussie and was never subject to this kind of thing when I was growing up. Its not the kind of child-care arrangement I would go for either.

What a strange generalisation. Maybe its more about your husband and his friends than his nationality.

WipsGlitter · 12/03/2011 12:02

I'm lost. What are you having to "suck up"? I think you are making a problem where there isn't one. You have two choices just decide what you want to do.