Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frickin child free wedding in another country...

57 replies

spammywammy · 12/03/2011 10:36

Have namechanged. Here's one for the MN jury - sorry in advance, it's another child-free wedding scenario.

Ok, around Oct 2010, DH's close friend in Oz tells him he's getting married and can we come to the wedding because he wants DH for man duties. DH says, 'great. We'll be there in April 2011, so if it's then, we can come'. Friend says 'Yay, it's in April!'. Fine. Flights booked. V. expensive city hotel booked so we can be near them for their wedding.

Fast forward 5 months and we get an invite in the post. It's addressed to DH & I. Without wanting to assume anything, DH writes to friend asking if DS can come to the wedding (4yr9mo) No response. I got a bit fed up of waiting (it's now 4 weeks out), so wrote to them this week asking politely if we can bring DS. The correspondence since then has been:

Them: We weren't planning on having children at the wedding... it will be long and boring... the only exception is our DN's... the venue isn't right for children... we have a mate who has a babysitter you can share... etc

Me: Thank you for your response. We don't tend to leave ds with people he doesn't know, so DH will definitely be there, but I'll have to politely decline and stay back with ds. Have a fab day!

Them: Oh no, no, no! That won't do! We simply can't have it! You must come! It's just that we're v. concerned about the venue... and the long night... and the boringness of it... (they repeat the reasons given in their initial email) But, if you really, really can't leave ds with anyone, then he can come.

DH: We will do everything we can to find a babysitter for ds. We won't bring ds because that may upset other guests who've been told 'no kids'. Leave it with us.

That's as far as it's got, but I don't want to go now. I'm annoyed they didn't tell us it was a child-free wedding in the first place and they just presumed we could find someone to look after ds/ would be willing to leave him with any fecker in a country/ city we don't live in! Sure, DH has got lots of friends there... most of whom will be attending the wedding. We have 1 relative who can potentially look after ds, but ds doesn't know her. DH thinks we should suck it right up, accept they've been naive, but deal with it and go.

WWYD?

Disclaimer: yes, they can have their wedding any which way they like; child-free, dwarves in frilly tutu's if they like, their choice etc etc We understand this.

OP posts:
SeeJaneKick · 12/03/2011 12:30

No Tatty. I know many Australians, have lived there for a number of years and there is a more relaxed attitude imo. At leastin S.A.

TattyDevine · 12/03/2011 12:56

Well I am Australian and I lived there my whole life and I've never seen anyone dump children in front of a TV with a pile of sweets. I suspect this is more to do with your DH's parenting skills than his nationality, despite what you say!

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 14:33

I dont see the problem, even though they have not invited children in general they have been gracious and accomodating and told you to bring yours. They have been great and understanding....what more do you want from the poor sods!?!?!

Exactly!

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 15:09

Oh do jog on, valium. I want nothing from them, as I've already said.

They haven't so much as told me to bring ds as said reluctantly, 'if there really, really isn't anyone else who can possibly look after your ds, then bring him.' I'm not about to turn up with ds and risk being the twunt who got to bring their child whilst others were told 'no'.

Perhaps I'm in the minority of people who don't leave their dc with people they - or their dc - don't know. Fine. But I'm being made to feel like the difficult one; it wasn't me who wanted the child-free wedding ffs. We've been a family of 3 for 5 years. They invited 2 of us to their wedding in a country that we don't live in. Surely if they want their child-free wedding, they need to 'suck it up' and accept that some parents won't be able to come?

OP posts:
judgejudie · 12/03/2011 15:22

no way would i leave my kid behind

i would either take him or not go

end of

ExitPursuedByALamb · 12/03/2011 15:33

We had a similar situation. Invited to a wedding on a Saturday which required an overnight, but also attending a family wedding on the Friday also staying overnight. DD (6 at the time) was invited to the family wedding but not included on the invite for the Saturday wedding. We replied saying that unless DD could come with us then we would not be able to go as we would not have time to drive home from the family wedding to drop DD off with inlaws and then get to the second wedding. We were told that we could take her, and as it happened the only other child there was a girl of similar age who was related to the bride. The two girls had a great time playing and dancing together and I didn't feel at all guilty.

What age are the DN's of the couple. Maybe they will play with your DS.

potplant · 12/03/2011 15:41

I can't see what your dilemma is. You've been told you can take him so take him. If other guests get a bit sniffy about it so what? That's the B/G's problem not yours.

WipsGlitter · 12/03/2011 15:48

I think you are trying to make a problem where there isn't one. You were going to Oz anyway. They have said he can come, ok it's maybe not the most gracious of invites, but the fact that they did want a child free wedding and are now prepared to forego that is pretty generous (given some of the stuff i read here!) Go, take your DS and play it by ear if he looks really bored/tired slip out. I think most other guests will understand that you've come that far for the wedding and bringing your DS was the only way.

FattyArbuckel · 12/03/2011 15:48

Agree with potplant - you are seeing problems here that aren't yours

suzikettles · 12/03/2011 17:01

You're massively over-thinking this imo. Stop trying to second guess how they really feel about your ds coming to the wedding, and definitely stop trying to second guess how guests who may (or may not) be feeling disgruntled about their dcs staying at home might (or might not) react to seeing your ds there.

Take him. Have fun. Leave if it stops being fun Smile

I think people who don't have dcs tend to overestimate how much entertaining they need at this sort of thing. Your ds will probably have a ball and it will all be fine.

SardineQueen · 12/03/2011 17:16

If you're going for a holiday anyway and the wedding is only one day then your DH can go and you can have a nice time with DS doing something else.

That's another option and the one I personally would go for (as it's obvious they don't want DS to go so rude to take him IYSWIM).

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 12/03/2011 17:53

SardineQueen That's what the OP was going to do but the b&g emailed back insisting that she must go.

I can see what you mean OP. Yes, they've said you can take your DS but only after blatantly making it clear they really don't want him there. They really should have accepted your DH going but you not.

suzikettles · 12/03/2011 18:09

See, I don't read it like that. I think there's a good chance that the b&g think that the ds will be bored (and possibly kick off, I dunno).

People seem to go to all sorts of bother with entertainment/activities for children at weddings these days, when most are quite happy to get a bottle of coke with a straw and sit under a table or weave in and out the slightly pissed people's legs and dance in the middle of the floor when no-one else is yet at the disco. Smile

If it were me then I'd take their change of heart at face value if I knew my ds would have a good time.

suzikettles · 12/03/2011 18:12

Sorry, what I meant by previous post was that because they haven't laid on craft tables and a magician Hmm then the b&g may think their wedding is particulary child unfriendly (likely erroneously).

Obv the op knows these people though and whether they really don't want the ds there just because he's under 18.

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 18:17

Chaotic - that's exactly how I feel. I made a decision based on their initial email and they didn't accept it. My point is, if you have a child-free wedding, then you should accept if parents can't come. They haven't accepted it, and now I feel obliged to either leave ds with someone he doesn't know, or bring him, knowing they don't want him there. I don't like either option and tbh, I feel a bit resentful that they've put me in this position.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 12/03/2011 18:25

Am I the only person on MN who LOVES child free weddings and the chance to have an adult evening out? He's nearly 5, FFS. Leave him with the babysitter the other people have, spend half an hour or so with him, to make sure he's OK, then go and PAAAARTAAAAAY! Grin

SardineQueen · 12/03/2011 18:25

This happened to us BTW, although it wasn't australia! I declined and then we got a telling off Hmm

I didn't go anyway. DD1 was exBF at the time and I really didn't feel there was a lot else I could do.

These things are tricky.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 12/03/2011 19:13

MrsSchadenfreude I have no problem with child free weddings. I've been to a couple sans dc myself and really enjoyed myself.

Original poster
spammywammy · 12/03/2011 19:17

...as have we and we've loved it. But both were in the UK and we were able to leave ds with friends/ family whom we/ he knows well.

OP posts:
activate · 12/03/2011 19:24

They've said you can take DS

so why did you follow that up with "DH: We will do everything we can to find a babysitter for ds. We won't bring ds because that may upset other guests who've been told 'no kids'. Leave it with us."

sounds not just that you want them to let you bring him but that you want them to be looking forward to it too

at the wedding nobody will notice or care that there's a 5 year old there - not one person will - and if they do then they will have to understand that you've travelled from far

Baggypussy · 12/03/2011 20:01

I really understand why you're pissed off, and also your reluctance to leave DS with someone you don't know.

If I were you I would tell them that you are bringing him (then they will expect him), but play it by ear. By the sounds of things you may get to know the other parents etc that are leaving their kids with the babysitter, and you may end up feeling more comfortable with the situation once there and decide to leave him too.

Really inconsiderate of the couple though. You have a child- not a dog.

iscream · 12/03/2011 20:52

If you don't want to leave him with someone, then don't go.

skybluepearl · 12/03/2011 22:31

just let them know that you will need to bring your son after all.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 12/03/2011 22:51

I wouldn't leave my 5 yo DS with a babysitter he didn't know, having taken him across the world. An evening at home in a familiar environment with a new babysitter, yes, but not away from home where he is more unsettled, for the duration of a wedding and reception. Maybe I'm soft.

Take him, just be prepared to leave early.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/03/2011 23:12

I'd also take a 5yo DC along and leave early if you need to, leaving DH to enjoy the party. Maybe borrow a blanket off a relative and pop him asleep in the corner if he flakes out. Are you taking a buggy?

I'm sure no-one will mind a kiddie exception if you're travelling half way across the world and as long as he's not disturbing everyone then I expect lots of people won't even notice!