To have told my Mum to piss off

[mmsmum]

My Mum is the biggest bitch out there, really she takes some beating

She is always making catty comments and snide remarks but she has gone too far this time

She has just told me my life is a mess. She said I have no job, no home, I have nothing. She suggested I move to 'where work is' (where ever the hell she thinks that might be) and says I've done nothing about looking for a job. She knows that I've been looking since August, she knows I have no childcare before or after school and she won't help so my hours are limited. She also knows I saw someone about doing a professional CV the other week so I asked her why she thought I did that if I wasn't looking for work and said 'you were probably bored' at this point I told her to piss off and hung up

I never give myself a break, I never let up on myself, I spend all my time caring for DC, for the dog, the house and I study pt. I spend hours every week trawling the web for jobs, then I call possibilities to find out exact hours and if there is anything (usually there isn't) I'll apply for it.

I'm about to come into some money and I think this is her problem. I lost the income I was getting from the csa last year and have struggled since and my Mum has been helping me out here and there, usually with food shopping and small bills like bt every few months. She knows I cannot get a mortgage and would need to spend every penny if I am going to buy a house outright but she seems to want me to give her her money back first and then wash her hands of me

Tonight was totally unprovoked, I had called her earlier in the week to ask if she would take me or lend me money for petrol so I could go see houses and this is when it came out that 'I can't buy a house' because I won't have enough left after giving her money. I said I needed to find somewhere for me and dc to live, if I rent my money will just be drained away into the pockets of someone else and I won't have anything to show for it and DC won't have any security, she also knows I'd have trouble renting with the dog. She also accused me of not looking at houses, which is ridiculous because I've discussed my searching with her loads of times, she knows I'm online looking everyday

Why is she such a bitch? I really hate that she genuinely seems to think my life is a mess, that I have nothing and am not trying to do anything with my life. I don't and never have spent my days sitting about doing nothing, being bored. This is something I expect from a total bitch, not from my Mum, or anyone's Mum

I had called her about something completely different tonight and she brought this up. It seems like she is determined to fall out and drive me away, I've never thought she liked me and I've always thought that she should never have had children. I could never ever say the things to my DD that she says to me, I could never even think anything like the stuff she says

She knows that that I am depending on her for a few things financially next week (one of the things is DD's school trip) but this is beyond her usual moaning, which is bad enough at times. What kind of Mum tells their DD her life is a mess? I don't know what to do, I get more understanding from my dog, I was stressed out enough without that conversation

I really need a friend right now but don't have anyone I can call. Argh! I do try, I know I struggle with stress and anxiety, something I don't think she has ever noticed but I was trying so hard to be positive and look to the future, I'd even compiled a new cv and just signed up for a Summer ou course, I'd even joined a weight loss group today but now I feel like crying but I'm not giving her the satisfaction! I would love, love, love to work, even people on fb know that! I am so bloody lonely on my own all the time I am desperate to get out and do something.

Can someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with my Mum? Does she believe the stuff she is saying? I'd really like never to speak to her again but I can't let DD down next week

Give the Op a break for gods sake.

I would gladly help my adult children in any way I could ( mine are only 9, 7 and 3 months) infact if my dd was on her own with a child I would be bending over backwards to offer her support.

OP pay the money back and don't ask for any more, don't visit if you don't feel welcome and keep trying to find work, you'll be fine in the long run.

only applying for jobs that are between the hours of 9 and 3 (probably earlier if you need to travel to collect her) is fussy. beggars can't be choosers. apply for all jobs, get one and then arrange childcare to suit the hours.

I think you need to be a bit more realistic about working hours. If you will be in a position to own a house outright (which it sounds like you will be), you will presumably have low outgoings each month and therefore will be able to afford wraparound childcare (ie, that which covers before and after school). And that's under the scenario where you wouldn't be eligible for state help with CC costs, which you may well be.

Yes, it would be ideal to be there for our children at all times, but in the real world, it doesn't work like that. I have two DCs myself (currently on ML) and I know things haven't always been easy, but we do what we have to do to make it work. If your financial situation is currently as bad as you say it is (and if you're relying on your DM for the most basic of things, it is bad) then you can't afford to have preferences over working hours as much as you would if you were in a good position with income. You need to be realistic, there are very few jobs out there with school hours only specified, so if you want a job, you need to come to terms with the fact that you will have to make some kind of CC arrangements. You will eventually find some CC setup that is suitable (and it sounds like you drive, so you can go further affield for CC and work).

I do understand why you were upset, but I think you went too far with how you spoke to your mum, and I don't think you're looking at your situation objectively (although I do understand why that's hard). You need to apologise to her and tell her why she upset you. She wasn't unreasonable about your debt to her though....

Five as I said it complicated, but my solicitor has told me it's workable, as I've already said

Atiat have you read anything I've said? Same to Enorma, I've explained about childcare, I had to take her out as i couldn't afford the fees. Captain I've already said I've applied for volunteering and I've said that I study already and had just applied for summer courses

Mrsbanana I would do anything for my DD too which is why it is so hard to understand the things my Mum has said to me. Thank you for being so nice!

Do you have experience of admin or cleaning jobs? What have you worked in the past? I only ask because I was looking for a job in June last year, I applied for 45 in 3 weeks, got 8 replies, 5 interviews and 4 job offers. I took one part time job on while waiting for the recruitment company to sort out the job i wanted. Full time and well paid.The majority of ones I didn't get replies for were admin or cleaning because I don't have much experience in those positions. I would also avoid calling to ask about the hours! Not a good first impression!

Are you in the uk?

If so then tax credits will probably pay towards your childcare. Unless you earn above a certain amount of course.

imvho, all I am hearing in your op and subsequent posts are excuses.

If you are on benefits you get most of the childcare paid for. If you can find a job for less that 16 hrs you get your childcare paid for. They do not advertise the fact but they do. You can have 2 jobs to make up the 16 hrs. I have been looking for a job for about 3 months and thers is hardly any part time work and what there is i apply for. The job centre said its really hard to get PT as no jobs about.

Ive got 3 kids under the age of 9 and my mam refuses to look after them which is fair enough. She had me at 15 my brother at 18 then one at 30 and one at 32. She now works full time and has a mortgage. She has had kids all her life and i wouldnt expect her to look after mine.

I wouldnt borrow money off your mam then she will think you are managing.

Hiden yes I might be entitled to tax credits in the future and that would help. When I've been looking at houses I've also been looking at the schools and what childcare there is if any and how hard it is to get into. DD was in after school care as i was working before and I kept her in while i was looking for work but it's gone on too long and I couldn't afford to keep paying so she is out and won't get back in as they have a two year waiting list. Those are some of the reasons I was feeling positive about the future, it doesn't help now though and mu Mum really brought me down. She knows why I'm upset, i told her but she still said all those things again

How old is the child?

Captain I have cleaned as part of other jobs and i have done admin. I've also applied for pretty much everything in between and made my cv skills based to target to job description. I have a degree but have left it off for some jobs though it doesn't seem to make any difference

I am not entitled to any benefits, complicated reasons, I actually think I might be now, but very little, and by the time they get it sorted I will probably have moved

Fifi I didn't know about the 16 hours thing and I didn't know you could have two jobs without one being massively taxed? I had two jobs before was the second one had a different tax code. It sounds like you and your Mum have a good relationship :)

Captain she has just turned 11, illegal here to have her home by herself otherwise I would look at jobs up to 4pm and have her call when she gets in. At the moment I have great neighbours she could go to for help if she needed but the law thinks she would be unsafe. She can walk home alone but can't be in her own home alone

Can I ask what part of the country you live in? You said your mother told you o move somewhere where there are jobs so was wondering if there is a shortage where you are.

Do you live in a council property? You said you are renting but also say you have no money (unless I misunderstood).

TBH I find your situation very

you could pay someone to be in the house for a few hours every evening when DD gets home.

Ld I am in Glasgow which is why what my Mum said is so ridiculous. I am not renting and do not live in council. It really is complicated but I was very close to the person who passed away and I am in there house if that helps explain. But I don't want to go into it, that's not relevant and it's not something I can talk about

Sorry to hear about your mum, she has a right to be concerned and to ask for her money back, but it would be better if she'd been more positive with you. It is unfortunate that you're borrowing money from her though as you are making yourself beholden to her. :(

Do you know how much you owe your mum? If the inheritance is enough to buy a house outright, surely you wouldn't need to pay her back so much that you couldn't afford a house? If I was you I'd only ask to borrow money for essentials (i.e. you don't need to pay for school trips - tell school you can't afford it as usually they are voluntary contributions), keep a list of what is owed and make a plan for how you'll pay your mum back and discuss it with her.

You should sign on for benefits - anything is better than nothing and it might be enough to pay for school trips/petrol money?

Could you put cards up locally about doing cleaning/ironing? Perhaps not your ideal job, but better than nothing and earning money might make you feel more positive about yourself and your situation.

how are you managing with no benefits or job, does someone pay your rent. I would put an appointment on with the jobcentre and they will help you sort your finaces out, yes me and my mam have a fab relationship

you probably are entitled to benefit op, it may be worth an enquiry. Childcare is dire here (i am in glasgow too) i hope to start college in august and have dd down for a nursery place already.

I assume you are waiting for house you are in to be sold in turn buying your own place? Most cleaning or admin jobs wouldnt fit round school. I hope you get what your looking for.

Your mum is helping you out which is why she feels she can say what she likes, i have an aunt like this. Ignore her and do what your doing. Personally i would go to the benefit agency to avoid asking her for more money.

It is not illegal to have a responsible child at home for short periods of time. I'm guessing if she is responsible enough to walk 20 minutes home then she'd be ok for a few hours herself? Also there must be loads of after school care in Glasgow. If you are really struggling then ask at the local college for childcare students who are looking for a bit of experience.

I think yabu about your mum, you have a situation that is not ideal but by no means completely unworkable. Apply for any job you can, pay back your mum and arrange childcare if you need it. I can kind of understand your mums frustration!

Buy your house and set yourself up with some security and then work out how much you "owe" her and a plan to pay her back, if she won't take it, post the cheques every month without fail so you've tried.
Then things will be back on an equal footing and you won't feel so beholden to her.

leeloo thanks, I live almost next door to professional ironers lol I don't even have a working ironing board, its a great idea actually but a very saturated market. I would be struggling to buy outright, it's a lot of money but houses are generally more so I am trying to seek out cheaper areas and fixer uppers, which I'd need a job to fix up!I couldn't not let DD go, everyone is going and there is no help available for it, it isn't even that much but I just don't have it. It's her one and only school trip and she's really looking forward to it.

Fifi I don't have rent. I haven't been to a jobcentre but I phoned once and the person was so unhelpful. She was looking at the same website I was trying to answer my questions! But I have seen other advisers and know that I'll be able to manage when I've moved and hopefully that won't be too long

Thanks Stac. I was the same when DD was 3 I had to put her name name 18 months in advance and had to join the board at after school care to get it set up properly

Captain she would be ok, but it is illegal, I was told by a social worker (not mine she was a client at my old job) not to do it as it isn't worth it if someone calls in. Don't childcare students go to college full time, i.e. 9 to 5? What should I do about my Mum if IABU, just listen to all her abuse?

Oh, ok.

I mean this in a not nasty way, but to a certain extent, I agree with your mother.

You seem upset about her not being around when you were a child and it comes across as if you feel owed something, like the ideal mother you always wanted.

I had a relationship like that with my mother and yes she has been very critical of my life. My solution is to not have asked her for one penny since I left home. I actually lent her money recently and I am a student, but needs must at times.

You said that you went to see someone to sort out your CV a week ago yet say that you have been looking for a job for much longer than that. Surely the CV should have been sorted out before all this time.

Why are you owning a car if you do not have the funds to run it? Can you not get the bus? Selling it would free up some capital to pay your own phone bill.

Your child is 11, surely it is not necessary to walk her to and from school if you need a job and cannot accomodate both? I would think she would be ok for a couple of hours at that age on her own if your work ended at 5 for instance. I was at home at that age while my mum was at work, as are many people's children. Sometimes you have to make those sacrifices in order to make a wage and provide for your family.

If you are going to buy a house and will pay back your mother after, why can't you pay her back at the same time and get her off your back? Wouldn't it be much simpler? Or at least make a large payment with a promise of the rest to follow.

Why do you have a dog if you have no money? They need financial maintenance too and it doesn't make sense when you cannot afford one to have one.

If you are unemployed, are you not entitled to benefits? Why isnt that sorted out?

There are so many things in your story that make me

It sounds like being a childminder would be very lucrative.

Is your mum envious of you inheriting ?

And is she related in anyway to them ?

And just say no to the school trip, you are not doing yourself any favours by it. Saying everyone is going does not justify spending money you do not have then complaining about the person who had to pay for it.