Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For Step DD to grow up!

87 replies

Piglet28 · 11/03/2011 18:31

DP has DD of 22 and still pays for her mobile phone bill, servicing of her car, 500 for holiday (we can't afford to go away) and she just recently asked for 4 new tyres not the cheap ones either and didn't even offer to pay towards them. She goes to Uni doing makeup but is also working, is it unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own things, and for DP to man up and be honest with her. She knows were really skint but seems to be constantly taking the P!

She has only ever seen our DS 3 times and didn't even bother to send a card for his 2nd birthday. To cut a long story short she wasn't happy when I got pregnant and acted like a spoilt child (she was nearly 20 at this time) and we fell out over it now she can't be bothered with the family except for seeing the rich grandparents and DP when she wants something.

I'm sick of her taking the P and whenever I talk to DP about this it is ignored. He is scared of having a row and upsetting her.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 11/03/2011 18:38

YANBU at all she is basically an adult baby. She sounds incredibly like my half sister who is 22 years older than me. My dad was married before he met my mum and they had 4 children, including my half sister. When I was born she was 22 and married and behaved like a spoilt brat, resented me. We have never been close, she always found an opportunity to put me down, and now we dont speak. She is a toxic sister and my life is better without her.

Why dont you talk to your dp about it, its his daughter he has to sort it out and take a stand. She has to grow up or she never will. What happens to her when her dad is not there anymore!

FreudianSlippery · 11/03/2011 18:41

Ugh YANBU I am only 2 years older than your DSD and would not have acted like that.

However your DH is probably at least partly to blame for enabling this.

MrsKwazii · 11/03/2011 18:45

Agree with FS, she will continue to act like this for as long as your DP allows her to. He needs to treat her like an adult for her to behave like one.

Perhaps you could sit down and work out your monthly budget together so that he can see in black and white how much of your income she is costing.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/03/2011 18:46

Tough one here. You can only change things if your DP is prepared to put his foot down and say 'no' periodically.

How are your finances structured? Do you both put all your money into a pot and share everything or do you have your money and he has his? What I'm getting at is whether your DP is spending your money on his DD.

I think I would work out our monthly outgoings and get DPs share as soon as he gets paid. I'd factor into this money for holidays/luxuries. Whatever is left I would share out equally between me and DP. Then, if he wants to spend his money on his DD, then that is his business, but he wouldn't be spending yours too. If he runs out, refuse to sub him.

I think this can work even if you are a SAHM.

Also try the approach that he is not being a good parent if he doesn't teach her how to stand on her own two feet.

He should help her when she genuinely needs it, but shouldn't be paying her phone bill

curlymama · 11/03/2011 18:46

She is acting like a spoilt brat, but if that's how she would have been even if you and ds had'nt come along, there isn't much you can do about it. Your dh and her Mother should have taught her less selfish behaviour a long time ago.

Plenty of people get help from their parents while they are still in education, you shouldn't begrudge her that.

Rhinestone · 11/03/2011 18:48

She is a brat. You need to have firm words with your DP.

Did you say she is doing 'make up' at uni? WTF? How can you do a degree in that?

Maryz · 11/03/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 11/03/2011 18:56

He has raised a brat by the sound of it.

How long have you and DP been together?

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/03/2011 20:08

It doesnt seem wrong to help a child at uni even if they have a part time job around studies.

Presuming he pays for your new child and yourself, why would you begrudge him spending on his own child? She's still his off spring regardless of age.

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:13

Oh GOd put your foot down! That's awful! I would bemore angry with him than her...she hasn't got a baby and a wife has she!?

Nice if he wants to buy her some decent gifts for Birthdays and watnot...but she's 22! She can't get holidays when you dont unless SHE pays!

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 11/03/2011 20:13

Make up at uni? Is that a course?
And yes, giving holiday money is ridiculous!

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:14

Happy...the OP cannot have a holiday bt her DH is paying 500 fr his 22 year old to! No. 500 would get the OP and her DH a camping trip or a week in a caravan!

iscream · 11/03/2011 20:23

The 500 holiday money is unreasonable if you cannot afford a holiday as well. Perhaps make holiday plans and if she wants to join you fine, if she doesn't that is her choice.

Your dh is enabling her to have these expectations.

lady007pink · 11/03/2011 20:31

At 22 I was working - this girl is nothing but a spoilt brat. In fact, at her age I was buying presents for my dear parents in appreciation for all they had done for me.

OMG, I don't know what kind of parenting skills your DH and his ex-p have - they have failed miserably to have raised such a brat! Words fail me...

strandedpolarbear · 11/03/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyDaresYOU · 11/03/2011 20:42

My dp still helps out his boys(just like I would when my dcs are older) and they are my age but i'm shocked at the holiday money.But I have to say I don't blame your sd but your dh.He could of said no

shakey1500 · 11/03/2011 20:42

I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation with my 19yr old step daughter. Dh HAS contributed to this (now) state of affairs in that, out of misplaced guilt, overcompensated for being the absent parent. I've tried for years to gently persuade him that in the long term, it's not teaching her to become self sufficient, will do more harm that good and thankfully, over the last year he has scaled back immensely. The downside has been that her mother has blown the proverbial gasket and he's had some very nasty phonecalls from her. I'm not proud of the fact that I also had a massive row with her over it but having kept silent for the last 11 years, boy, did it feel good.

LadyBiscuit · 11/03/2011 20:46

I just can't get beyond her studying make up at university. FFS - degrees really are a bit of chip paper nowadays aren't they?

Sorry, agree with the others that unless your DP takes some control here, she is going to carry on taking the piss because that's how he's parented her. Could you say that you think it's setting a really bad example to your DS? I know he's only little but this won't go away I can promise you. And it's absurd that she can afford a holiday and you can't.

darleneconnor · 11/03/2011 20:46

how can you study make up at uni? Confused

he has a moral and legal responsibility to financially support her through her education

she does sound spoilt and not particularly nice but you sound like the wicked stepmother

I'd like to hear her side of this story.

ENormaSnob · 11/03/2011 20:51

22 year old spoilt brat.

ENormaSnob · 11/03/2011 20:53

Darlene, there is no legal responsibilty to financially support a 22 year old.

BlueCat2010 · 11/03/2011 21:15

I moved out of home when I was 16 and have supported myself fiancially since. If my parents wanted to help then it was up to them, and I appreciated the odd lump sum when I was struggling but never expected it.

For a 22 year old to be expecting daddy to pay her phone, holidays and all the other things is beyond a joke - more so when she can't be bothered with your family unit!

I would be having a somewhat heated discussion with your DH - pointing out that you don't mind the occasional 'help out' but not every time she says jump!

darleneconnor · 11/03/2011 22:36

if they are at uni there is, I knew someone who sued his parents because they didn't

shakey1500 · 11/03/2011 22:44

Surely that legal responsibility wouldn't extend to paying for a luxury such as a holiday though, would it?

JustaNickname · 11/03/2011 22:51

I can completely understand him helping out with everything bar the holiday money. Thats a bit ott.

Why is everyone so caught up with the fact she's studying make-up. I assume she's actually studying to be a beautician. Whats wrong with that? I studied to be a hairdresser and looked into doing beauty.

Swipe left for the next trending thread