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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For Step DD to grow up!

87 replies

Piglet28 · 11/03/2011 18:31

DP has DD of 22 and still pays for her mobile phone bill, servicing of her car, 500 for holiday (we can't afford to go away) and she just recently asked for 4 new tyres not the cheap ones either and didn't even offer to pay towards them. She goes to Uni doing makeup but is also working, is it unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own things, and for DP to man up and be honest with her. She knows were really skint but seems to be constantly taking the P!

She has only ever seen our DS 3 times and didn't even bother to send a card for his 2nd birthday. To cut a long story short she wasn't happy when I got pregnant and acted like a spoilt child (she was nearly 20 at this time) and we fell out over it now she can't be bothered with the family except for seeing the rich grandparents and DP when she wants something.

I'm sick of her taking the P and whenever I talk to DP about this it is ignored. He is scared of having a row and upsetting her.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 12/03/2011 12:27

I agree that I still help out my DD and will always do so, with whatever she needs. But she does the same, as does the rest of my family.
It's how we function. I find it odd when other people I know don't do it.

Quattrocento · 12/03/2011 12:31

Dunno about having a car at university - is that necessary? Particularly if funds are short ...

Goblinchild · 12/03/2011 12:35

Depends on the transport possibilities from where she lives. My DD regularly has to walk the three miles because the bus service is crap.
And how much you have to carry.

Gotabookaboutit · 12/03/2011 13:28

Re the degree - Film/photographic/theatre make-up artists can and do earn a lot of money - if moneys an issue and some make-up artists work in the NHS and to be honest I find the sniffy attitude to a non academic degree pathetic. Its not a non degree like a lot of very academic degrees that have no practical application in the real world.

Re the OP - you should be grateful your husband still has a sense of responsibility to all his children not just his ''current'' one - He sounds like a good man. If it is stretching you financially to be honest tough - that's the choices you make when you choose to have a child with someone who already has children - and he probably does owe he a bit through guilt she has not had the benefit of his 24/7 parenting as your son does, so a bit of extra money is no great shakes while she is at UNI - Would she have had a car/holiday/tires if he was still with her mother - yes most probably, so why should she be disadvantaged because they are divorced? Or do you intend that as soon as your son turns 18 any financial help will be turned off? - you need to think about it from that point of view - not what its taking from you all the time.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 12/03/2011 13:32

I'm 22 and am Shock !

I would never DREAM of asking my parents to pay for my mobile phone bill, car or holiday!

Gotabookaboutit · 12/03/2011 13:38

And Milk - so what does that mean no one should ??? everyone's circumstances are different - pat your self on the back

MilkNoSugarPlease · 12/03/2011 13:41

She's 22 ,NOT a child!

If she wan't working then maybe I could see her asking for financial help for a bit of petrol or the odd bit of money here and there.

not paying her bloody phone bill, holiday or expensive tyres when I bet your ass the cheaper ones are just as good

amberleaf · 12/03/2011 13:47

Im with gotabookaboutit

OP at what age do you plan to cut your DCs off financially?

MilkNoSugarPlease · 12/03/2011 13:50

Oh and it's not about patting myself on the damn back, it's about realising I'm an adult and should take responsibility!

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2011 13:52

When a mum and dad are married (to each other) they are probably not going to fall out if they make sacrifices themselves in order to benefit their children (even when they are adults).

When you are in a step family, the chances are that the step parent will not be as happy for their money to be spent on non essentials for the adult step child as the actual parent. All parties have to accept that there will be different priorities for each person concerned. The dad has to accept that he is in a relationship and his money isn't just his own to be spent as he wishes. The income belongs to his partner too, so what she wants has to be considered. The adult step daughter also has to accept this and not take the piss by expecting her holidays to be paid for.
The step mum must also accept that her partner is a father and will always want to help out.

I can see that the tyres are a safety issue, so fair enough, and it is one thing to put a £10 top up on a phone so if DD gets stranded somewhere she can get help. It is something else to pay for a big phone bill regularly and pay for holidays.

I do think that there has to be consistency in attitude for both the children, so the OP must treat her DSD as she would want her son to be treated.

Goblinchild · 12/03/2011 13:54

Back to the relationship a parent has with their children as they grow up and over the decades.
Independence is something that should be introduced in stages, with support as necessary. From being a toddler,right the way through to 18+.
If you are independent, confident and never ask your parents for anything Milk, how did that come about?
What steps did you go through, did your parents support you?
Od r like a friend of my DD's, did your family throw you out at 17 and cut off contact?
That girl is independent and will never get help from her family, but she's a bit of an emotional wasteland with a lot of issues.

Gotabookaboutit · 12/03/2011 13:55

She is 22 at university - most parents would help out . Not her fault her parents spilt up - re the expensive tyres thats up to her Dad to manage her expectations. Its up to the op to manage hers she has had a child with a man who has another child . As I said if her DS is to get no help after 18 then she can say something but I doubt that will be the reality of it.

Ans she may not be a ''child'' but she is still His child -

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/03/2011 13:56

Korma - excellent post.

And yes I expect a 22yo to fund their own lifestyle. And it doesn't mean you will cut your kids off in emergency! Of course you will want to help out your adult children if they really need it, but if they are earning a wage they should learn to live within their means - just like we have to.

Gotabookaboutit · 12/03/2011 14:03

And once again agree with Goblin - Its a managed transition - it make take long time /cost more money because the Dh was the NRP. So many people post how when their partners walk away from them they also walk away from the children. I admire this man for not doing this. And also lets be honest unless he always paid way over the CSA reccomended payments - either the DSD's mother/new partner/taxpayer has subsidised his 1st child upbringing one way or another.

BigChiefOrganiser · 12/03/2011 14:23

OP come back. I'd like to know when she started this uni course and how much longer until she finishes? And has she done one prior, or did she take time out from education, then go to Uni?

I think if your family is going without, then you cannot afford the level of support you are giving her. We will face this issue in 8yrs, and no just because I married and had children with someone who had a child already, doesn't me OUR family should go without while subsidising DHs oldest. After all her mother has had more children, so she will be in the same boat as us.

If we choose to support our children when they get to Uni, we'll only be able to do so if I work as well, which I plan to do.

I think you and your DP need to sit down, work out how much you can give her monthly, if you want to go down the support of a 22yo route, while leaving your family enough for treats too. She gets this amount until a certain time, agreed between you and DP, whether that's when the course she is currently on finishes, or age 23, then thereafter she supports herself.

allnewtaketwo · 12/03/2011 17:37

darlene "The DSD has got to 20 having her Dad's full attention. now she has to share that with the OP's DS. I dont blame the DP for trying to 'compensate' for this with a bit of extra cash."

So on that basis, every older child should receive financial compensation for their parents having a younger child?!?! What an odd supposition

allnewtaketwo · 12/03/2011 17:37

teehee - I must go after my parents for more cash, I'm so upset that they had my younger sister Hmm

beautifulnight · 12/03/2011 20:09

Sounds like guilt money to me. Would he listen if you told him he was abusing her? Because indulging to this degree is abuse and will - if it hasn't already - ruin her. God help her in the future and in her relationships. He is spending your family money - do you have a say in that?

btw 007 would you be my daughter? I could trade mine in if you like - anybody want my kids? Healthy, successful brats going cheap.

Changing2011 · 12/03/2011 20:12

Butt the fuck out - you knew he had a kid when you got with him. She has been in his life longer than you, deal with it!

allnewtaketwo · 12/03/2011 20:13

changing2011 - under what definition is a 22 year old a 'kid'?!

Changing2011 · 12/03/2011 20:16

doesnt matter - he has a daughter. Up to him what he spends on her. I bet OP would change her tune when its HER DS needing this that and the other while at Uni.

Goblinchild · 12/03/2011 20:16

'So on that basis, every older child should receive financial compensation for their parents having a younger child?!?! What an odd supposition'

But Op is not the girl's parent, she's a replacement. It does sound as if the father is trying a very difficult balancing act between his current partner, new child and old child.
What about the mother of the DD? What's her view? Is she able to help her daughter understand that the relationship needsto change?

LadyBiscuit · 12/03/2011 20:20

When I was at uni, I was pretty much on my own. I never ran a car (couldn't afford it) and worked evenings, weekends and during the summer. There were three of us all doing degrees at the same time. My parents would occasionally give us £100 here and there but if we wanted holidays we saved for them, if we wanted a phone, we paid for it and likewise with a car.

This has got bugger all to do with being the child of divorced parents and a lot to do with a hideous sense of entitlement which the OP's husband has allowed to fester.

Changing2011 · 12/03/2011 20:21

Basically this OP should get on with raising her own child and leave her DP to do the same! Makes me so angry when step parents start off on the charm offensive, then when their brood start trickling through the game is supposed to change to cater for their rules!

allnewtaketwo · 12/03/2011 20:33

"doesnt matter - he has a daughter. Up to him what he spends on her" - hardly. In most normally functioning couples, expenditure is a joint decision

Changing2011 - it sounds like you have a very large personal axe to grind, none of which has got anything to do with the specifics of this thread. This is not a child we are talking about here

"But Op is not the girl's parent, she's a replacement" - absolutely don't agree. I am in no way a replacement mother for my partner's children, what a silly thing to suggest that because a father remarries, he is 'replacing' a parent

Ladybiscuit - agree totally