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AIBU?

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Original poster

For Step DD to grow up!

87 replies

Piglet28 · 11/03/2011 18:31

DP has DD of 22 and still pays for her mobile phone bill, servicing of her car, 500 for holiday (we can't afford to go away) and she just recently asked for 4 new tyres not the cheap ones either and didn't even offer to pay towards them. She goes to Uni doing makeup but is also working, is it unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own things, and for DP to man up and be honest with her. She knows were really skint but seems to be constantly taking the P!

She has only ever seen our DS 3 times and didn't even bother to send a card for his 2nd birthday. To cut a long story short she wasn't happy when I got pregnant and acted like a spoilt child (she was nearly 20 at this time) and we fell out over it now she can't be bothered with the family except for seeing the rich grandparents and DP when she wants something.

I'm sick of her taking the P and whenever I talk to DP about this it is ignored. He is scared of having a row and upsetting her.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 11/03/2011 22:52

If he was still with her mother, he would do all of that and more. Why should it stop because he's now with you ? He is presumably an adult with his own free will ?

Tryharder · 11/03/2011 22:55

Hmm. Why shouldn't your DP help his own DD out if he wants to? When I was at uni my parents supported me financially (partially). TBH, you sound a bit jealous as if you think that money should be yours!

ENormaSnob · 11/03/2011 22:55

Is that in the uk darlene?

I am pretty certain that there is no legal financial resposibilty for children at uni here. It would be impossible for many families provide that support.

The majority of people I went to uni with got pt jobs and took student loans out.

From a csa point of view, did it used to be until the child was 19 if in full time education or 16 if not?

mmsmum · 11/03/2011 22:57

She sounds like a Daddy's girl!

Is the make-up issue because op said she is at uni? I don't know of any uni's that do make-up but really who cares? Surely the girl can do what she likes.

But there is a point about being responsible until she is 25, at least in Scotland, I think

pooka · 11/03/2011 23:00

But maybe Sassybeast, he might only be doing all this because he is not in a relationship with her mother any more.

And actually, I think that a 22 year old living with mother and father should not be expecting said mother/father to pay £500 for holiday, servicing of car, mobile phone, car tyres etc.

I feel a monty-pythonesque "I didn't have a car/holidays/mobile phone etc. when I was at university" coming on. Because I didn't, and certainly that was pretty common among all my friends. If you wanted extra luxuries over and above very basic living expenses, you got a part-time/holiday job to pay for them.

darleneconnor · 11/03/2011 23:11

10 years ago but yes in the UK

Rhinestone · 11/03/2011 23:31

The OP said she was doing make up at university. I fail to see how the study of make up takes three years and requires essay writing and final exams etc. But then it's probably not a university.

howlonguntiltheweekend · 11/03/2011 23:41

Or it isn't make up and it's actually something that has involved some sort of make up element (beauty, maybe even theatre studies (perhaps stage make up)?

Op it is your partner you should have the issue with not DSD. It can be strange to get your head round having a new brother or sister when you are 20 - particularly if her parents had also split up later in her life (rather than them being separated for most of her life). Hopefully the relationship will come in time with your DC and you.

Re: money it is up to her father what he spends. If this doesn't match what you feel you can afford as a family, you need to speak to him about that.

CheerfulYank · 12/03/2011 02:39

You have to legally support your kids when they're in college? Confused Seriously?

WellIShouldNever · 12/03/2011 02:45

Not your daugter, he had her before he was with you, so accept that maybe the daughter comes before you. Why do step parents think they have a right to come before their partners kids? They don't. Partners come and go, parents do not.

CheerfulYank · 12/03/2011 02:49

She's not saying she should come before the SD, she's saying the SD should stop acting like a spoiled ten year old.

Etalb · 12/03/2011 04:30

Its his daughter why shouldn't he help her out! Imagine when your DS gets to that age and in education and your DH says he won't help him - how would you feel! Why should she lose out because he dad has had another child with someone else! You just need to suck it up and let her Dad look out for her - that's what dads r for - however the ignoring your DS is poor but sounds like she is upset by the whole thing - treating her with cash is not going to solve this!! Put yourself in her situation - how would you feel?

Morloth · 12/03/2011 05:46

The stepdaughter isn't the problem, the husband is.

Of course she is going to ask her dad for stuff. If he can't afford it he should say 'No'.

FreudianSlippery · 12/03/2011 06:36

Etalb that's not what OP is saying. There is a big difference between helping out/supporting a grown up child and babying them with money - the DH is doing the latter. The DD is old enough to understand that they are skint and can't afford to help with things.

Paying a 22yo's phone bill, holidays and car maintenance goes way beyond regular 'supporting' IMO - especially when you cannot afford it. To me, supporting at that age would be buying them a bit of food, maybe uni rent and course books. It's different where the parents are well off (that's a whole other debate though!) - but the OP isn't well off at all. My parents never have been and I grew up accepting that I had to make my own way, and I had a part time job from age 14.

I expect the responses would be similar even if this was about a bioDD.

ENormaSnob · 12/03/2011 09:13

Can anyone clarify the legal financial aspect please?

bronze · 12/03/2011 09:34

At the moment the ops dp is putting his dd before his ds.
Regardless of the op going without/ whos money is who/whether he is babying dd this is not fair.

You need big words with your dp op. Good luck with that

maddy68 · 12/03/2011 09:35

I think you are a bit unreasAble tbh. He is trying to support his daughter while she is at uni. I am doing the same. I Pay for the upkeep of my daughters car as well. And I wouldn't put cheaP tyres because I don't think they are safe!
The girl is worlking as well tbf to her. The only think I think is ur is the holiday money. But she is his daughter and if that's what he wants to do with his hard earned cash then I'm afraid you might have to suck it up a bit.

RustyBear · 12/03/2011 09:35

You don't have to legally support your children while they are at university but the student finance company assumes that you will unless they are: over 25 or
can prove they have been supporting themselves independently for three years, or
Are, or have been married/in a civil partnership, or have a child or
can prove that they have been estranged from their parents for at least a year or
Their parents live outside the EU and it would be dangerous to them to be assessed for finance, or impossible for them to send funds (this means in practice, not because they claim they can't afford it)

If none of these apply, then their income will be assessed and if it's over a certain level the student will only be able to borrow a percentage of the maximum loan (it was 75% when DD started, think it's now gone down to 70%) and the parents will be expected to make up the difference, or the student will have to work to make up the difference.
70% of the maximum loan won't pay for accommodation at many universities, especially if they are expected to spend their first year in Hall, and jobs are pretty thin on the ground - a lot of the traditional student jobs in many university towns are still being done by the students who graduated last year and haven't found another job yet.

darleneconnor · 12/03/2011 09:51

I wonder if the OP would object to giving her own DS this kind of financial help when he is 22? Hmm

The DSD has got to 20 having her Dad's full attention. now she has to share that with the OP's DS. I dont blame the DP for trying to 'compensate' for this with a bit of extra cash.

It's not like he's buying her a new car, giving a house deposit, paying for a wedding or other such huge expense.

Youllskimmer · 12/03/2011 10:18

You have to support your children through university if the court order says so.

And it does happen.

NinkyNonker · 12/03/2011 11:09

I don't think the phone and car things are unreasonable. Holiday, yes if you are broke.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/03/2011 11:16

Darlene - I bet she wouldn't and why would she? OP is not the bad guy here. Her DP is for giving in to his ADULT daughter's selfish demands.
Fuck me, 22 I had a full time job, a degree (and not a Mickey Mouse one like the OP's DSD's) and a car. All paid for by me out of my wages.
Only time I asked for money from my mum was when my car was damaged, and I needed £400 to repair it. I paid back every penny.

OP - Unless your DP starts saying no to her then there isn't much you can do. You certainly need to insist on drawing up a budget - not fair that she should get £500 for a holiday when it means you, your DP and DS can't afford one!!

Goblinchild · 12/03/2011 11:28

The problem is between you and your DP.
You need to help him build a different sort of relationship with his daughter, and that will mean gradual steps rather than cold turkey if your relationship with him is to survive well
My DDis 20, and I wonder how long you and DP have been together? She may still have a child-like relationship with him because it hasn't matured and changed over the years as they have worked things out.
We seem to have quite a few posters on MN who still want a child/mummy relationship with their own mothers, and want certain things to happen 'Because she's my mum'
So if change is necessary, you might have to put some planning and thought into it.
Dismissing her academic choices isn't a good plan IMO, puts her right back in the adult/child judgemental seat.

Youllskimmer · 12/03/2011 12:00

I always love the:

'when I was that age I used to get up before I went to bed do 25 hours work...'

I'll help my children through university, my parents helped me, it's what parents do.

There's a difference between helping and spoiling.
You want them to strive but not struggle and I don't think he is spoiling his daughter.