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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL doesn't have to come with us EVERYWHERE??

75 replies

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 16:48

MIL lives abroad and comes twice a year to see us the grandchildren.

She usuall hires a nice apartment nearby (this is a tourist city) and makes that her base as our house is tiny.

She stays for a month to 6 week and comes every day at 8.00am and leaves for her apartment between 7.00pm and 9.00pm. I cook for her as well as the family as her arm is injured.

I think this is a bit much. I can't go shopping or do anything without MIL.

Today I had to take DD1 to the doctor .she's 3 and I was very worried about her...so DH came too as it was his day off and he also wanted to speak to the doc about her.

Mil said "Oh I'll go back to my apartment and call you later" so DH and I took DD to the docs and then went to a cafe for coffee. As soon as we sat down, MIL rang to say she was in another coffee shop and could DH go to meet her there...and what were we doing and what were "the plans"

I KNOW she only comes twice a year but 4 weeks of her right in my face is too much.

She comes food shopping with me, to drop DD1 off at school, to collect her again, to playgroup....EFFING EVERYWHERE!

or should I just shut up and put up?

AIBU to think I could have a fucking coffee with DH without her ringing to come and collect her so she can join us?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 11/03/2011 16:51

YANBU. This would kill me. Think you will have to say as gently as possible that you are not available at X time and will meet her later.

Can she do some babysitting, so you and DH can go out alone for a bit?

Think your DH ought to handle this, becausse it might be better coming from her son rather than her DIl

5Foot5 · 11/03/2011 16:53

Have you talked to your DH about this? You need to be sure you have a united front as it would be better coming from him.

Perhaps he could gently explain that while its great to see her that you would like some time on your own from time to time as well.

Maybe she could be persuaded to babysit so you can have an evening out together.

TWDA · 11/03/2011 16:54

Shut up and put up. She's there to see you lot ffs. Can she & your dh & kids not go off now and again and give you a break. Can dh not go off with her just the 2 of them? Or maybe she can look after dc's at yours while you go fo something? Just be thankful that 1) your dc's have their gran still 2) she makes the effort 3) she's not actually living at yours. Am in similar in laws position but they DO stay with us .

oldwomaninashoe · 11/03/2011 16:57

I think you are being a little mean.At least she comes to see her granddaughter and is interested in you. She is not sleeping in your house.
I am assuming she knows no one else where you live, perhaps this is something you could rectify.
It is only for a month once a year that is on average far less than 1 day a week if you spread it out over a year.

Original poster
SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 16:59

It's really intense. She's at my elbow from morning till evening. NOt doing her own thing ever.

If it were me I would WANT to go off and shop alone now and then ffs.

I KNOW its only 4 weeks but you bloody try it.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 11/03/2011 17:01

Is there any way she could come more often for a few days at a time? Or is that just too expensive?
That would make it less like a never ending IL marathon for you and also would make her less intense about wanting to squeeze every last drop out of her visit.

TWDA · 11/03/2011 17:03

I do try it! But remind myself that she's the woman who brought up my dh and is the grandmother to my dc's. Sounds like you need to get off mumsnet and go and talk to your dh instead. Like a mature adult would.

exexpat · 11/03/2011 17:04

This would drive me crazy. Even three or four days in the company of my (actually very nice) MiL is more than enough, and she doesn't follow me around. I think you need to see if either she can keep an eye on the DCs while you 'just pop out' somewhere (for an hour or two or three). Could you take up running to starbucks, or arrange for at least one night out with friends every week that she's there, to let off steam a bit.

belgo · 11/03/2011 17:04

I do understand.

Can you not ask her to babysit the children whilst you do the shopping, or even better, go out for a meal with your dh?

justcarrots29 · 11/03/2011 17:08

YANBU - she is imposing on your space and is definitely making it hard for you to have any down time. I would be extremely frustrated at the situation. Ask your husband how he feels. If he is happy with it then just gently suggest that they have a bit of time together or ask you MIL to have dc without you for a bit - make it sound like special time but you get some space at the coffee shop alone.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/03/2011 17:08

It would drive me a bit bonkers, but then the only reason she is there is to spend time with you.

She isn't insisting that you give her a bed, so you haven't actually got her staying in your house.

Could she babysit one evening while you and DH go out, and then one of you could drop her back to her apartment afterwards?

Deliainthemaking · 11/03/2011 17:12

I feel for you both, she is probably making the most in here eyes

and you want some space, maybe a chat with DH? big hugs I know its difficult

saffy85 · 11/03/2011 17:18

YANBU but neither is your MIL I guess as she dont visit often.

Still if I had this arrangement with my own MIL I'd need sectioning. Can not think of anything worse right now

Original poster
SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 17:27

TWDA was not adressing you specifically. There are more people than you on the thread love.

OP posts:
kerala · 11/03/2011 17:33

I would find anyone, however much I liked them, with me all day everyday intolerable .

Its a tricky situation. I think I would be brisk and say things like "of course DH and I have to go to X am sure you wont want to join us" etc. Also try and make the most of babysitting to get some upside.

Abit late for this visit but we moved to be near my parents and from the outset we all sat down and decided to be utterly honest about how much contact we wanted. They say no to babysitting without a moments guilt and we can tell them when we just want to hang out on our own. It has worked really well so when we see each other its when we really want to rather than doing your duty. Perhaps before the next visit lay down some guidelines?

nectarina · 11/03/2011 17:34

YANBU, doing the maths this means 1/6 of your year. This sort of thing seems to crop up - sahms who have to entertain PILs. I'm not sure what I'd do about it though.

Want2bSupermum · 11/03/2011 17:35

You have my sympathy.... count your blessings and count to 10. It could be worse, you could have my MIL.

Might it be an idea to get her more involved in your daughters day to day activities, such as picking the children up from school/playgroup? This will get her out of your hair and give your children some 1-1 time with their grandma. I would also suggest they go to the playground together, granny with the grandchildren. Does grandma have any special skills (normally they include baking crazy good cakes and other treats)? If so, why not get granny to teach her grandchildren some of those skills?

Original poster
SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 17:39

She has jut left....early tonight. The change in atosphere is palpable. She;s kind of high octane iykwim? Too loud, too in the way, too pushy, too grabby....I can't bloody stand it.

OP posts:
Bumblequeen · 11/03/2011 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 17:42

That's right Nectarina...she once stayed (under our roof) for two months! It was winte and it snowed and we were stuck indoors!

Want2b she DOES get involved inn everything...but her arm is hurt so she cannot cope alone with my youngest DD who only just turned three and still runs off now and then.
Interesting to think how this would pan out if I was not a working from home parent.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 11/03/2011 17:43

Would she be willing to take your DD out sometimes without you, or stay in taking care of DD and give you a bit of time to do your own thing?

Original poster
SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 17:44

Well Mil is Aussie Bumble so their culture is like ours pretty much as far as family goes.

She has hurt her hand and keeps hinting for me to fucking massage it....sorry but go to see the doctor...I'm not cooking for her 3 times a day and doing personal stuff too!

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 11/03/2011 17:45

So she's injured and hence can't be left in charge of your DC, and you're supposed to be working from home but are playing hostess constantly? That does sound a bit trying.

ChorltonChick · 11/03/2011 17:48

YANBU - as someone who has teh vilest of all MILs, this would kill me!

LessNarkyPuffin · 11/03/2011 17:48

You need some breaks from her. If she's over for at least a month each time and does 8am-7pm it must be really intense. I couldn't stand having my mother around on those terms and I get on brilliantly with her. I'd try to plan breaks for yourself during that time so you don't get too stressed. You could meet a friend for lunch or send her off to visit a relative/have lunch with your DH.

Hope your DD's ok.