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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL doesn't have to come with us EVERYWHERE??

75 replies

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 16:48

MIL lives abroad and comes twice a year to see us the grandchildren.

She usuall hires a nice apartment nearby (this is a tourist city) and makes that her base as our house is tiny.

She stays for a month to 6 week and comes every day at 8.00am and leaves for her apartment between 7.00pm and 9.00pm. I cook for her as well as the family as her arm is injured.

I think this is a bit much. I can't go shopping or do anything without MIL.

Today I had to take DD1 to the doctor .she's 3 and I was very worried about her...so DH came too as it was his day off and he also wanted to speak to the doc about her.

Mil said "Oh I'll go back to my apartment and call you later" so DH and I took DD to the docs and then went to a cafe for coffee. As soon as we sat down, MIL rang to say she was in another coffee shop and could DH go to meet her there...and what were we doing and what were "the plans"

I KNOW she only comes twice a year but 4 weeks of her right in my face is too much.

She comes food shopping with me, to drop DD1 off at school, to collect her again, to playgroup....EFFING EVERYWHERE!

or should I just shut up and put up?

AIBU to think I could have a fucking coffee with DH without her ringing to come and collect her so she can join us?

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 11/03/2011 19:42

I think you need to put your foot down and claim that you're getting behind with your work. It's totally unreasonable of both her and your H to expect you to drop everything and amuse her all day, when he's off at work. When are you supposed to do your own work?

Also lines like 'take us as you find us...' 'you know your way around, help yourself to anything' or for more sledgehammer-ish hints 'do you have any favourite meals? perhaps you'd like to cook something here so the DCs can try it?', or just directly 'would you be kind and hang the washing out, I'm run off my feet' might help get across that you can't wait on her hand and foot if she's there longer than a weekend.

You have my sympathy.

OTheHugeManatee · 11/03/2011 19:42

Also, please have some . It sounds like you need it.

judgejudie · 11/03/2011 19:46

i think you are being pretty unreasonable, who wants to spend a holiday sitting in a coffee shop alone, or wandering round unfamiliar places by yourself

StayFrosty · 11/03/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 11/03/2011 19:58

Can't your dh keep her out of the kitchen after dinner so you can work? Or can you move your work area into your bedroom, go in there, and let dh visit with him mother?

Can you book her into a hand massage? www.purehands.co.uk/henryprofile.html

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:05

When I went to OZ with DH...DD1 was 2months old and we stayed with MIL and FIL for a month while we got our own place...I went out allone every day! I walkd miles (cant drive) discovering the area...why can't MIL do a bit of exploring? She's fit as a fiddle!

thanks for he to Frosty...off to get bum waxed!

OP posts:

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:06

Plus...as I said, this is a tourist town...there are amazing places to see...we do take MIL ut at least once a week for a day trip/nice meal whatever...she COULD bugger off herself once in a while!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/03/2011 20:10

I wouldn't want any adult with me continuously all day every day for 4 weeks twice a year . I would ask your husband how he'd feel if he was a house husband and had one of your parents shadowing him all day. Makes me glad I've always worked part time.
I would tell your MIL that you need some time to yourself for your sanity and that she might enjoy some time to herself as well to explore and look around. If she says she doesn't I'd still stick with the line that you do need time to do stuff.
1 month in every 6 with someone trailing around after you sounds way too much. I would never have started this, but then I'm antisocial and would prefer to have a job or stroppy relative than that situation.
You can go shopping without your MIL, you just need to start being firmer and arranging to meet her at 2pm instead of 8am. Be firm.

2rebecca · 11/03/2011 20:12

This isn't "a holiday" judge judie. It's 1/6 of the OP's life!

PinkToeNails · 11/03/2011 20:29

YANBU. I hope you manage to get something sorted. It would drive me insane if my MIL was always in my shadow for weeks at a time. I know she's only over once a year, but she could still give you a bit of space here and there. Obviously you don't want to hurt or offend her...maybe you could book her for a day's pampering. Then she could get the massage she desires...

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:31

She comes twice a year some years. I think I am going to get DH to tell her that comig on the school runs is too much. I know she wants to see the older child but then she should have come during the school hols no?

I think arriving at lunch will be better...I have my mornng then...

OP posts:

PinkToeNails · 11/03/2011 20:32

Whoops...someone already suggested the massage...

LionRock · 11/03/2011 20:38

I couldn't handle that.

It sounds like she essentially decides when suits her to descend on you, it's not that you suggest she visits on a certain date for a certain duration.

The current issue seems to be that a routine is already in place "see you at 8am!" and you (completely reasonably) want to change this and want some control over your own life. If subtlety doesn't work then a more direct approach is needed. (Statements that you're doing something without her rather than "are you sure you want to come with us..." questions.)
I agree that you and her son need to agree on what's reasonable. (Does he spend all day with her when he's not at work? - I doubt it!) You say you live in a tourist area. Could you make suggestions or even arrangements for things for her to do on her own? E.g. "we're busy on xxx but I'm sure you'll enjoy xxx event if you don't fancy relaxing in your flat". Even spending money on booking something for her to do alone, a cheap facial on groupon or an afternoon tour of a museum etc may be worthwhile....

Good luck anyway

I can't believe that you are able to continue with your usual / preferred routine while she is around. I expect you are accomodating her in many ways each day.

LionRock · 11/03/2011 20:44

Also, if she's with you for about 12 hours a day then essentially she is staying with you - there's no real downtime for your family. The fact that she rents a flat is a red herring as far as your AIBU? is concerned.

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:47

True....the flat is just a bed to her. We got her some supplies in so she could make a meal/breakfast supper etc but she's neve there!

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 11/03/2011 20:47

This is my idea of hell op, all i can say is so sorry for you dear.

muminthemiddle · 11/03/2011 20:53

This is too much.
Agree with others, tell your dh you need to get your work done.
Hope you can work something out.

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 11/03/2011 20:55

DH has just spoken to me and sai that he has not thought about ho much time I am spending with his Mum....he will now arrange to ge them all out sometims and get her to come over at lunch time...

[collapses in relief]

Thanks for support everyone. I thught I was BU.

I am quite anti-social you see.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 11/03/2011 21:02

Your not antisocial, your bloody normal by my standards!
Although your mil sounds lovely and wants to spend time with you and the GC, she is not normal in thinking it is ok to play tag along all day long.

Oh, and judgiejudge is a troll btw, IGNORE.

Want2bSupermum · 11/03/2011 21:08

Ah - I bet the reason she is visiting now is because it is cheaper for flights and accomodation. Are you able to afford to offer that you help towards the cost of coming over during the summer holidays? If so, do it and have her come then when there are also more planned activities on offer and the grandchildren are out of school.

We spend a fortune on flights for family to visit us but we see it as the cost of us living abroad. It might be worth seeing if there is a better time of year for her to visit.

I would be wary of paying for massages. It is futile with my MIL as she wants me to go along with her. This will defeat the purpose of the activity and leave you further out of pocket.

Jacksmania · 11/03/2011 21:26

Oh I started reading this and thought "is she the MIL who picks her teeth?"
Don't know how you can stand it!!

Want2bSupermum · 11/03/2011 21:50

I suggest you reward your DH after he takes his mother out. Nothing like positive reinforcement!

helibee · 11/03/2011 23:55

Could MIL take and pick up eldest dd from school. Then she would get to spend time with her, it would give you time with dd2 and some time free from her.

I get on very well with MIL and to be honest it wouldn't bother me, but I know I'm in the minority. Its not fair if you have to work either, glad your dh seems to have taken this on board.

Hope you enjoy the rest of her time here without it being too chlostrophobic hugs

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 12/03/2011 00:09

School is a 5 minute walk away helibee...I'm now sitting up at mdnight to catch up and still have 2000 wors to write by tomorrow!

[taking a mn break]

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2011 09:59

If you had a job where you physically had to go into an office, then your MIL wouldn't expect to go with you. You have to make clear to her that working from home is no different.

My DH works from home sometimes, and I have had to make clear to my parents that he is actually working and not available in the middle of the day to do other things. You can't be flexible on this or you will continue to be working at midnight.

The way to put it to your DH is to ask if he would be prepared to do all his work at midnight, so that he could spend all day with your mother. Or ask if he'd be prepared to do it to spend all day with his own mum. If not, then he ought to understand why you don't want to do it

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